Understanding of Religion

I think I'm beginning to understand more about religion and beliefs. I've calmed down a lot in my dislike for certain Christians and am really working towards being understanding. I think what bothered me the most was that few practice what they preach and spend the majority of their efforts micromanaging society (Granted, I tend to reside towards the left and am probably slightly clouded in how I view them).

Pope Francis has helped me more than anyone to see that it's not always the case. Sometimes, all it takes is one person to completely change your views and the amazing amount of compassion he has towards everyone just makes me speechless. The fact that he often goes against the flow of traditional views, helped to prevent me from seeing all Christians as insincere and corrupt. Strong words I know, and logically I always knew that they weren't at all like that (In fact, my family is all Christian and I've seen how kind they can be), but still when you're feeling emotionally confused and bitter sometimes you unfairly place labels on an entire group. One could say that I was doing the same thing that I really disliked about them.

Another thing that really help was Anthropology. I absolutely love it and one of the reasons I do is you get to talk about religions from around the world without arguing that your belief is better. You simply say that's what they believe, and recognize that it's valid for them to believe without disagreeing. Obviously, there are a few moral debates. I'm just generalizing here. The other really cool thing is you aren't trying to figure out if God is real, which saves a lot of headaches.

Now I can look at Christians from a more logical viewpoint and understand that they have a very valid reason for believing what they do. I still don't like them forcing their beliefs on others in political discussions and wish a lot of them were more understanding to others (although, again, I recognize that there are quite a few irritating people on the left that can be just as bad or worse)

I think when it comes to my own beliefs, I've become content with keeping it to myself. I'm beginning to realize that the labels I really wanted to put on myself and declare to everyone, really doesn't matter as much as I thought. Honestly, I tend to get along better with everyone when I just act instead of talking about it. If someone asks I have no problem letting them know, other than the fact that they're very flexible which can be confusing to even me.

So, I guess that's progress!

Regretfully Sorry

I'm going slightly crazy right now, and I apologize but I just need to get it out of my head. I'm trying really hard to be nice to myself, but it's so hard. I'm so mad at me right now. I'm so frustrated and it's all my fault. I'm a complete idiot. And I know this will come out as an over-reaction, but I don't think I should ever have kids. There are multiple reasons for it, but I'll just focus on the trigger right now.

I'm such an idiot, why do I care so much about being helpful to others. I know I shouldn't, everyone knew I shouldn't, but I'm an idiot. Why can't I see it? Why do I get so stubborn and ignore all reason for the sake of trying to be worth it? God, I hate myself right now.

I now have this damn kitten that I desperately need to get rid of. I tried to be helpful. I just made myself an inconvenience. I know they're talking about me, I know they think I'm completely stupid. Why did I have to inconvenience them?

I took it in because someone needed help and I just wanted to be helpful, but of course I'm unable to sense the reality of a situation. I was only supposed to have it for a week and then my friend backed out, and there was someone who wanted to adopt it, but I haven't heard back. It's just been a hell of a week.

I feel bad for the poor thing because our dogs refuse to get along with it and it has to stay in a crate most of the day. I unable to care for it like it deserves, and it seems this terrible week has suddenly caught up with me and I'm left feeling extremely frustrated.

So, I'm very sorry that my poor siblings are stuck with this kitten. It was rude and inconsiderate of me to stress them out. And I'm sorry to my dad, who's advice I refused to listen to because I have a compulsion to be helpful. Dammit self, get your shit together and remember to always sleep on it first.

Dating Doubts at Midnight

It's currently the middle of the night and my brain refuses to take a break. I've had a bit of a rough week which has caused me to have underlying frustration that I don't know how to deal with, which would be fine but it has pushed a few small worries to the surface. Here's my attempt to deal with those by getting them out of my head.

I've tried talking about relationships before, maybe not on this blog, but to various people and in my journal. However, they have been very little to no help at all. I think the fact that I've been struggling with this one for awhile and that it always seems to be hiding just below the surface is the reason why it popped up so strongly now.

Over the last few months I've felt a strong need or desire for a relationship. Maybe it's because I just feel that by now I should have had something like one or maybe it's because I've just been feeling a strong need for physical interaction like hugging or just touching someone. I don't really know how to explain it and I'm sure I come off as slightly crazy, and I know I'm way overthinking.

I'm not really ashamed that I haven't had a real relationship yet, because I don't think I was ever ready for one before now. I needed to become more confident in myself and figure some shit out. At least that's what I think 80% of the time. Every now and then that evil little whispering voice creeps in and says there's something wrong with me.

It doesn't help when someone else jumps in to point out what might be wrong. They learn that I haven't really had much dating opportunities and they can't help but try to fix what's broken. They say I send out a "certain vibe" of someone who's anxious or shy, that I have a baby face and look too young, that I'm too smart and intimate guys (solution was to dumb myself down), I'm too quiet, etc. Fyi, I actually have had all these pointed out to me.

Anyway, every time I enter a new social environment like a new job or school, I can't help but hope that I might meet someone who may just think I'm dateable. Hell, I've even thought of online dating already, but I made a promise to myself to try the real life stuff first and wait until my mid 20s before giving it a go.

Then let's take a step back and realize that I'm not even sure if I need a boyfriend. Sometimes, and I know this is a little stupid, I feel pre-destined for a solitary life, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I could quite easily see myself living by myself and enjoying it. There's just this feeling of there is nobody for you, you're just not meant to have a relationship.

Either way, I am waaaaay overthinking my life, as per always.

A Few Heart-Breaking Frustrations

In a few months I'll be heading back to my original home town to visit my family and friends, and I am exceptionally nervous. I will admit, I still hold some internal and semi-irrational grudges towards that town. Not that I really enjoyed my young adult years in this new one either. :P I never enjoyed the really religious feel of that small town, with lots "I'll pray for you"s or "It's God's will"s, and I enjoy it even less now that I have deviated from the religion I grew up with.

I feel as if I should be ashamed of the path I've chosen because I have disappointed so many people (even though a lot of people don't know it yet), but I refuse to just denounce my own thoughts for the sake of someone else's. It still hurts though to know that you've caused your parents' disappointment, yet I know that they hurt too because in their eyes I suppose I've gone down the wrong path.

At the exact same time, I have a hard time understanding why it effects them so much. I haven't used my beliefs or thoughts to belittle them or used them in hate. I haven't forced it upon them and I'm happy to answer any of their questions. I haven't kept it a secret, I've been completely open. It's not a cult (which I loosely define as having a charismatic all-knowing leader that gets followers to cut off their ties to everything outside of the group) and it's not a way of rebelling.

Just having a different view disappoints them and it's really hard for me to understand because I've felt Christianity pushed on me. I was not given a choice but Christianity, although I really appreciate my parents understanding of my struggle with it. I have people saying they'll pray for me or that God and Satan are waging a war in my mind, and I just have to accept it because "it's the intention that matters". Yet if I even dared to wear a pentagram, I don't think I'd even be allowed in their house. (FYI, the pentagram is not a sign of Satanism, the reversed pentagram is. Like the reversed cross, the reversed pentagram in modern use represents the opposite of the original symbol)

But I have to just accept it. Because it's their house and they have their rules. Somedays I think I can't wait to own my own house so I can force them to remove their cross and stare at my pentagram just out of spite, although I would never do so. It frustrates me that my parents won't allow tarot cards in their house, but I go along with it because of social expectations and I don't want them to feel like my spiritual view supersedes my respect for them (It doesn't, I value my family above all else).

I'd really like to come out with every one. I'd like to display that secret pagan board on Pinterest and wear a silver pentagram around my neck. But I don't think people are ready to understand it. Honestly, I feel that if I were to reveal it now, I would need to book a hotel room for my visit because I won't be allowed to stay in anyone's house.

Because of that, I don't really want to go. It hurts me that simply being honest about having a different view will completely change their perspective of me, although I don't entirely blame them. Yet, I hate the double standards. I can almost imagine not being allowed to talk to my young cousins (even though I would never bring up my own spirituality other than to say it's different if asked by them. The general view is not to convert and to wait until a child is eighteen before engaging in conversations about it if you're not their parent). I cannot say I'll pray for them unless I pray to their God (which doesn't really make sense because their god is a form of the divine, so they're very much the same), I cannot openly display my spirituality for fear of offending them, and I have to be afraid of losing them.

It's a very nerve-wrecking situation, that I'm not entirely sure how to deal with. I guess it'll just have to be a secret until I'm fully self-sufficient. Which is another 5 years... sigh

Acceptance

So, after my melodramatic post the other day I've realized that it may not have been the best way to reveal something although it was honest and in the moment of how I felt. I don't regret it right now, it would suck if I did, just have to deal with the aftermath.

This post somewhat ties in with it. I was journaling today and although I won't say what exactly I wrote, I though I'd share some thoughts just for the sake of sharing them. The reason I felt this strong desire to "come out of the broom closet" as a pagan witch, was my friends. This last year I've met a group of people who have (so far) completely accepted me without judgement or half-lies where I hid part of me to prevent judgement. People that like the same shows I do, who will gladly go what a fantasy movie with me and have curiosities similar to mine.

I can't stress how important that was for me. I'd never really had a close friend (or family member) who liked the same stuff I did, I just got used to feeling like the weird, eccentric one that people joked about and gave surprised "oh, really"s. It's nice to have them still spend time with me and value me even though they don't really understand, but to have someone who will gladly be eccentric with you and have the same excitement you do is completely different.

Insert warning about teenagers (although I am no longer one) abandoning their families to be a part of a friend group who will later ditch or use them here.

Yeah, I understand that, but it's so nice not to feel like the weird one! I have not changed one aspect of myself to fit into this group; I did not become pagan to fit in, I did not start dressing differently or watching different shows, etc. I was lead here out of my own curiosity and longing, and yes maybe my interaction with this group let some curiosity flourish, but it was always underneath the surface anyway. I was just afraid of revealing it before, of being made out as more weird than acceptable.

I would gladly buy my childhood friends a bible, a cross or talk with them about how they feel their relationship with God is going (provided they do not attempt to tell me I'm going to hell or try and convert me), and I will let them pray to God for me. Yet, I feel as if they would never ever do that for me. Ever. And if I ever said I'd pray for them, they would tell me to stop (btw, my faith doesn't believe that doing something against someone's will so it would be wrong to pray for them no matter how good my intentions are).

I want to feel the same kind of acceptance I feel when my parents send me links to tiny houses, where they are participating in my life without criticizing or trying to change it. They don't have to like the idea of tiny houses, but the recognize that I do and send what they come across my way or try to help me further my ideas. I cannot tell you how happy and safe I feel emotionally when they just send me a simple picture.

I don't expect that to happen right away. Knowing my family they will have a lot of questions, which is fair because I had a lot for them. My immediate family I have no doubt will at least tolerate me, with the occasional "that's complete bullshit, why would you believe in that" and so on. I expect it and know that they'll learn to get along eventually :)

A New Journal and Self-Identification

The other day I did end up picking up a journal and have decided to attempt to write in it. The nice things about a journal is that I know no one will read it for awhile and I can feel free to write about anything I want without fear of offending or having someone feel disappointed in me or my thoughts.

The downside is that I'm not sharing with I think with anyone else, so I don't get feedback on my thoughts. Unlike writing a blog, where I can pretend that someone is reading and understanding it right now, whereas no one might ever read my journal or realize how brilliant I really am. I'm not even joking about that last part, the egotist in me thinks that I am the most amazing thing on planet earth and people should be in awe of me. It's a weird situation because I'm part egotist and at the same time tend to dish out a lot of self-hate. I'm not sure how to feel about this. 

Anyway, the reason for this post, besides informing you that I may or may not continue to post on this blog, is confess a few current secrets that might offend my family. Why, who knows. I might be crazy. So let's begin. If I wind up disowned, this will be the moment. If not, then I guess they like me enough to keep around for awhile. 

I don't feel like my name fits me. I don't know what it is about it that makes it feel like it doesn't fit, but it just doesn't. Some of my nicknames feel ok (Leeshka and Leeshbet, I have no idea how they would be spelt), but my name (all three included) just feels odd. Don't ask me what would feel better, I don't really know. 

The feeling got worse after I started to work and everyone called me something similar but never my own name. I don't feel a connection to those wrong names either. Even telling people my name doesn't feel right. It could just be that it's how I'm feeling now, I don't know. 

I've thought about changing it, even though I don't have the names picked out yet, but am not sure how my family would take it. Probably not well. I'd probably be mocked for it and be gossiped about in private while slowly becoming that family member. 

Of course, I'm well on my way to becoming it, the stupid liberal hippie. Hell, even my dad thinks I'm going to turn into one. He's said it enough when talking about the philosophy course I'm taking in the winter. Then comes the confusion of is it wrong to be myself or at least how I perceive myself? Or should try to fit in or constantly care about not offending someone? 

SO CONFUSED!!! This is what happens when I have a restless night! 

Also, I'm a pagan witch. Tah-dah!

Philosophical Debates and the Slow Loss of My Mind

I love it how a single quote can cause my brain to spin out without any warning, and how I desperately need to write about it even though a part of me feels that it's completely useless because who wants to read about any of my philosophical ideas. It doesn't help that philosophy usually winds up with (as my dad put it) young adults talking about the meaning of life in a bar, showing off their intelligence and pretending that they are incredibly wise. That's paraphrasing of course, ain't no body got time to pay attention to their ranting parents. 

I'm not currently in a bar, nor do I have anyone to share my intelligence with save for the World Wide Web where this post will likely become lost is a jumble of cat gifs and badly misspelled Facebook updates, so we can pretend that I'm not egotistical even though we all know I am. 

The quote was just a stupid one line thing with no real deeper meaning; all it said was "I'd rather have an enemy who says they hate than a friend who secretly puts me down". I thought about it and realized that no, at this point in my life I'd rather live with the illusion that I'm well liked. Which means as long as I never find out that you hate my guts, I will happily accept the illusion as reality. Technically the illusion is only an illusion to those who know you hate my guys and reality to everyone else, so I doubt I'd be the only one living in reality 2.0. 

Here's where my brain starts wildly spinning for no reason, what makes reality reality and illusion illusion? Is reality reality simply because the majority believes it, because in that case we could say that since the only person who knows you hate me is you and the rest of the world sees us as friends, doesn't that mean that your hate for me is merely an illusion and our friendship is reality? 

To continue, does that mean that everyone lives an illusion based on their own perspectives so no one lives in reality at all? Is going by the majority even a good idea? We do it all the time for everything from grades, to sanity, to what we determine as healthy, etc. If we don't go by the majority then what the hell could we go by? Why do I even give a shit?

That is how erratic my thoughts can get, and we haven't even touched on if philosophy matters especially when we're under the reign of science, why we have a desire to debate what can never be proven, why are ideas like religion or spirituality needed, and how our all these thoughts are merely a series of neurons firing and what is consciousness. Whew, I'm pretty sure my head is dangerously close to spontaneous combustion. Also why do I care some much about disappointing them that I get nightmares about getting the wrong rental car?

Dating Issues

I feel a little ridiculous for constantly whining about my little problems; I recognize that I'm a very lucky individual and don't really have a difficult life. There are times when I just want to shut up and not bother to speak to anyone about the things that upset me in one way or another. Sometimes even blogging about it seems self-focused and attention seeking, like one of those "Shit White Girls Say" posts. 

I can't say for sure that I'm not seeking attention,  and I will admit to being self-focused, but I realize that bottling things up isn't healthy either. In fact, if I don't organize my thoughts I will wind up with a miserable night's sleep. I've thought about switching to hand-writing a diary, but I just worry that no one will know what's going on with me. Either way, the blog stays for now and I will continue to whine so feel free to ignore me.

I'm very muddled and confused today, I don't entirely know what's going in my head but I hope getting rid of a couple of thoughts that have been plaguing me recently will help me at least get a good night's sleep. 

For some reason, apparently I have decided that I need a boyfriend. What caused it, I don't know. I don't even know why I need one, except maybe for the expectation that I should have one by now. Plus, I think the teenage romantic ideal finally turned on in my head, which is terribly annoying and I wish I didn't have it because I don't have any romantic ideas about how a relationship will be. I don't expect a rom-com type of deal, more of just an "I tolerate this person" thing. 

It doesn't help that I work with a bunch of guys who are constantly questioning how odd I am for not having really dated anyone or for my unique likes in terms of hobbies. They find it weird that I've never gotten drunk, never go to parties, and enjoy just being at home. With all the questions and reactions, it starts to make you think.

I like who I am, I like me a lot. I enjoy getting excited over characters in tv shows, movies or books, and having a ton of information crammed into this skull. I like spending time by myself, I don't feel the need to drink a lot, and parties are filled with boring small-talk. Yet, I still worry that being me makes me too much of an outcast. 

I worry that I'm going to have to settle for the first guy my age who shows an interest in me, and I don't want to hang out with a partier who thinks of me as weird. I'd much rather prefer someone who's fine with just hanging out and watching movies. I guess I'm just worried that there's no one who would want to date me, as ridiculous as that sounds. 

Pretending

I think after awhile whining about your problems to people just becomes boring or pointless. That doesn't include this blog, by the way, here I mostly whine to myself. Constantly talking about being down just makes relationships awkward, no one likes the person that goes on an on about how shitty their life is. So, I just spend my time pretending that I'm ok. Of course, the frustration sneaks out every now and then, so someone asks why you're so quiet or how you're feeling. Usually I just brush it off with an I'm just tired today or I can't think of anything to say, it's just easier that way.

The only thing about pretending is that eventually it can get dangerous and you can wind up in an endless thought cycle, and no one knows. Which is why I like to blog about it rather than writing in a private diary. A few people I know have access to this so they at least know where I'm at and can attempt to intervene if it gets bad. 

I hate having to burden people with my problems, plus I'm old enough that I shouldn't have to rely on someone else to solve things for me, although I recognize that every now and then you do need help, but every down cycle shouldn't require someone.

Pretending is just easier than having to explain everything to someone who's heard it a million times. It helps to avoid lectures or the same envitable advice always given, and sometimes talking to someone just makes you feel more like shit than before. I hate explaining to others when I feel self-conscious about my appearance and would rather leave the store and deal with it myself. I don't want pity or people trying to cheer me up or make me feel better about myself.

I just don't want the stupid sympathy or deep talks. I want someone to know what's going on so they understand that I'm not trying to offend them, but I don't want pitying talk afterwards. 

Titles are Annoying

I've been feeling a little down the past few days, finding comfort in staying silent and being left alone. There are so many factors as to why, and I hope to explore some of them in this post. It may be a bit disconnected and hard to follow, but I blog more for my own sake than for readability. It's similar to a diary, with a few secrets left out to avoid hurting others, since I love being honest.

I've never really been confident in how a look and I hate to say it, but I often compare myself quite unfairly to my younger sister, a habit that I picked up after my mom mentioned comparing herself to her sister. I rarely ever reach the standards I have in my own mind and jealousy along with self-hatred quickly run me over. I try so hard to change my thoughts and be more kind to myself, but it feels like a losing battle. If I was true to myself, how I look wouldn't ever matter, since I value far more in myself than merely my appearance. I'd much rather be kind and compassionate, it makes me feel happier anyway, or intelligent and understanding. I want to cry when I think that I've been taught to worry more about my looks than my compassion, and although I wish to blame it on society, I know it can't be just it.

I have a hard time with my insecurity regarding how young I look, or when I think of the fact that I've only ever been on a single date, even though I really don't care whether or not I have a boyfriend. I think it just bothers me because it's almost like an expectation or sign that you're normal. I'm tired of worrying what kind of aura I give, whether I appear to be insecure or snobby or mad in other peoples minds. I don't want to care if the air I give is of someone who doesn't need a date. It shouldn't be important to me, I have so much else to offer that has far more value.

I want to be happy with me. I want to hide myself away and not spend a second worrying about how my outfit looks or if my hair's too greasy. I want to spend my time devoted to learning new things, gardening, playing with animals and just enjoying life. Why must I care so much about others minds?

And talking with my family has done nothing to ease it. Am I so conceited that every single conversation must be about me? Is that all I know? Am I trying to say things just for the emotional impact or do I actually believe it? I feel like such a conceited, lazy-ass who just spends her time bitching to people about society's rules.

I just want to quit life and hide. I want to be completely alone. I don't want to see or be around anyone, but rather than just whine about it I've tried look up ways that I could maintain my life without going outside. I've looked up so many online jobs, thought about selling things on Etsy and looked up prices of acreages everywhere in the province. I've read books on building houses and being off the grid. I'm trying to get there, and I'm not entirely sure what I'd do once I'm there.

Worries About Going Off Medication

I'm still debating whether or not I should go off my anti-anxiety drugs and my birth control, but after doing some research, I'm a little terrified. My reasons for discontinuing them aren't clearly defined with causes even more hesitation. I guess I'm not convinced that it's good for me. Maybe I'm just some sort of hippie, but I'm curious as to why I need them. 

For example, the reason I went on birth control was to help with acne. It has but I wonder if that's a valid reason to add another $70 to my expenses every month. At the same time, I'm afraid of going off it and winding up with tons of acne especially as my first year of university approaches. 

The withdrawal symptoms of cymbalta scare the crap out of me! According to reviews, doctors aren't much help either and it can take months to successfully get off of it. Things like brain zaps, increased anxiety/depression, mood swings, etc. And those are the people who tapered off their dose, not the ones who quit cold turkey! 

Why the heck wasn't I informed of this, before I went on the drug. I feel like such an idiot for not researching alternative drugs for anxiety or what the effects of Cymbalta were. Doctors don't even bother to give you various options and I'm really doubting their ability to properly prescribe drugs, they just seem to do a quick computer search. I lost a lot of faith in them when I got sick in high school, and it just keeps dwindling. 

I'm not entirely sure of what my plan is, but I think I'll continue the drugs until my supply runs out, then go down to a lower dose of Cymbalta. I'm very worried about how the stress of going to university will effect my chances of successfully going off drugs. 

A Few Stresses

One of my more annoying emotional warning systems is my dreams, as soon as they begin to get chaotic or seem more realistic, to the point where I can't tell if an incident occurred in my dreams or reality, then I know something is wrong. For quite awhile I've been having really odd ones, and the reason why I haven't communicated my stress to anyone is because I'm having a really difficult time defining the cause.

The best I've come up with is my anxiety over how people at work perceive me and my fear that I'm not capable of being an independent adult. I have no doubt that there are many small anxieties that are lying underneath. Just identifying something helps me to calm down.

After making a few minor errors at work, I've been embarrassed and worried about work. It's worse because I respect these people and want them to see me in a good light. As I wrote yesterday, I learned that I may have accidentally offended people, and while I don't think I was wrong, I don't want to offend people.

My problem is that I care far to about what other people think of me and I'm not entirely sure how to "not give a shit". Constantly worrying about other people takes up too much of my energy, and it's rarely worth while. It's impossible to think that I will be everyone's friend or always be seen in a good light, so I need to stop trying.

I've also been worried that I just don't have the ability to mindset to care for myself on my own. It's embarrassing to say, but I've even thought that it would just be easier for me to be committed to a mental hospital. I think I'd even enjoy a little, but that's beside the fact. I have no idea how to get what I want out of this society. I've tried thinking of the way I could, but I'm still having trouble. I've debated trying to get an online writing job, but I doubt it would pay much. I've thought about creating a company on etsy, but I'm not sure what I could offer.

To throw in a little optimism, I will figure it out eventually and I'm still a bit unsure of everything, but  I just have to trust that eventually it will all come together. I tend to think far into the future, but the amount of variables that could effect my life render any future plans worthless. Having a few future goals is a good idea, but they need to be flexible. All I can do is pick the choices that seem best in the moment and deal with what ever happens in the future. I'll need to remind myself more often

Medicated Introvert

There are quite a few things that have been tossing around in my mind lately and I've had a really hard time trying to place them into a format that makes sense to anyone, including me. I'll give it a go in this post, just to get a few things out there so they don't screw up my dreams for a fourth night.

Lately, I've been thinking about going off my medication. It's something I've been pondering for awhile, but has increased since I've gotten to know the expense it adds. I'm not sure why I had this idea, but I think it's because I haven't been quite feeling like myself. I feel as if my struggles with anxiety are part of me and it's as if I've skipped a few perception changing experiences that would have made me redefine myself. In other words, I feel like I've changed too quickly and a piece of my identity remains with the anxiety I've left. Rather than a slow transition and understanding of identity, it feels as if I've surgically removed part of my being.

I miss having that desperate need for alone time, because while I feel it lingering, I can't get satisfaction from solitude. It's as if I haven't really recognized that I needed my alone time for so long, because I haven't gotten that warning that says "hey, slow down the socializing or you'll burn out", and while I still haven't gotten that subconscious warning, my mind seems to have caught up and is now trying to let me know that I need it. But I just can't get that satisfied feeling of being alone.

I loved being an introvert, but now it feels like I'm caught in the middle. I don't feel like myself anymore and it worries me because even though I still had some issues to work out, I loved myself. I still have some lingering introverted desires, but I don't derive any comfort from allowing myself to give into them. I'm not re-energizing when I'm alone, I'm not enjoying taking time to read or write, and I just feel this state of not knowing where I stand.

I also want to learn how to deal with my anxiety on my own. I feel like its a project that unfinished, and someone decided to do it for me. I want to learn how to change my thinking process and anxiety is like having a warning, where now I'm still functioning under the same thinking process but I don't have the flashing lights that tell me I'm going too far, so I'm not working on changing it. While I'm grateful for its benefits and I have no doubt that even if I do go off it, I'll probably end up taking it again while I go to university until I'm a bit more settled. It's something I'll have to think about.

In a slightly un-related stream of thought, it's so annoying being a more introverted person. The amount of information I have to think about daily in order to fit into a more social group is exhausting. I've only found out the last little while that a lot of people at work were a little on-edge about me because I was quiet. It wasn't that I ignored them, no I said "Hi, how's it going?" every day and participated in any conversation that was initiated, but several people were really shocked to learn that one of my co-workers was able to have long conversations with me.

Do you release how exhausting it is to have to first remember (and as I mentioned this was something I had already been doing, and I still had to remind myself every day) to say hi and try to do at least a little small-talk, and now I feel obligated to try and force myself to converse because I don't want anyone to feel offended by my lack of speech. It's difficult and it's adding un-needed clutter to my head.

If I don't know you all that well, or we don't connect immediately, I'll fine pulling out a book and reading if the conversation dies down. It does not mean I don't like you or want to talk to you, it's not awkward for me at all, I just feel like the conversation is over and my obligation to be friendly has been met and now I can relax. I wish people would understand this! Eventually, I'm going to start learning that I don't need to be everyone's friend or add stress by worrying over who I'm going to offend next.

Rants from a Self-Worshipping Liberal

I am known to get hyped up about some things, especially regarding some my extended family's views. I have a couple of aunts in particular that can be pretty vocal about abortion rights. Most days I can brush it off and laugh, but for some reason I felt compelled today to write a reply on an aunts Facebook post. Probably because I like debates and I've got a new found need to share my opinion. It was a little nerve-racking since I usually ignore it and I'm afraid of what my family will think, not to mention I'm worried that I'm over-reacting.

It's a quite humorous link that she posted, the first paragraphs saying "It's time for all of us to understand that we are at war, and lives are at stake. The enemy -- the self-worshipping death cult known as modern liberalism -- has become increasingly vile, violent, and deceitful, and so we must become increasingly bold, fearless, and aggressive in our response." Personally, I find the writer to be someone who tries to exaggerate emotions to get a response, someone who clearly hasn't taken the time to look into opposing views or thought to see those who get an abortion as people with emotions. 

So, here's my rant on abortion rights. I'm pro-choice, I believe that educated individuals have a right to choose whether or not to have a baby, not because I think a fetus is worthless, but because forcing a woman to carry a baby she doesn't want to term is immoral. Giving a fetus more rights than an adult human seems ridiculous to me, and I can only imagine the emotions that woman would be having while carrying her unwanted baby. 

I don't believe that stopping abortion will stop the problem. I think that abortions will go underground  putting women's lives in danger, because they have no other choice. If you want to see a decrease in abortion rates provide women will birth control options and educate them, allowing them the opportunity to decide when having a baby who be best for both mother and baby. 

If you're so concerned about the potential of an individual, help out homeless children, and provide money and support to families who aren't able to give their children a good quality of life. Denying someone the right to their own bodies is wrong, if they are in the right mental state. I agree that abortions should be limited to a certain number of weeks, and I definitely don't agree with late-term abortions. 

Long story short, these women are people who usually are faced with a tough decision. Rarely is it a cold-hearted, "Fuck you, I want to par-tay!" and a lot of thought goes into the decision. Most of the time, these women care about the environment a child grows up in and want to have a child when their finances, emotions and lives are stable. These are people with emotions like anyone else and simply writing them off as murderers is an irresponsible use of the term. 

Little Mistakes

A bit of a downer post today, but I just need to work through some stuff so bear with me.  Also expect some foul language because I just feel like using it today. 

I'm feeling a little frustrated with myself because I'm making a bunch of stupid little mistakes. I hate it when this happens, especially since it enviably does. Just like in math, I've got the gist down and have everything right but then I have to go and make the tiniest fucking mistake and get the entire question wrong. I did it at my old job, forgot a couple of boxes in an aisle and missed a few details which got me in hotter water than I expected. And now I'm doing it again. 

I'm a smart individual. I know that. So, why do I constantly over-look things? I'm frustratingly absent-minded, constantly forgetting where I left something or having "blank-spots" in my memory where I can't quite remember where I put or any other details. It's getting me in trouble and I don't know how to fix it. The only thing I can think of is to have a physical list I have to check off to make sure I know what the hell I'm doing at my new job. Like a) made sure there were no dents or chips in windshield b)got keys from customer c)parked car d)hung keys up in proper place. 

I need to consciously remember exactly what I'm doing and it's hard to do. I wish I knew another way to stop fucking shit up. 

Who I Am

So, recently I was speaking with a co-worker about random things and the subject of my dating life popped up. As a young adult, this happens a lot and I generally don't mind it too much since I enjoy being very open and honest about myself. To sum up my dating life it would be non-existent; I've only been asked out twice and only accepted once. It's not like I purposefully choose not to date, I just don't have any offers plus I'm sure that I would find it very nerve-racking to have to establish a relationship with someone.

Anyway, the conversation wound up in the obvious direction of why I hadn't gotten many dates. To my amusement, he came up with the formula of me being too intelligent, guys who were intimidated by it or too shy and me looking too young for my age. His suggestion was to dye my hair blond and refrain from correcting people too much. I had laugh and found it more amusing than insulting. I'm sure he wasn't totally serious, either way I definitely won't be doing that.

I love who I am; both the ups and downs of it. I love everything from the way I look to how my mind works, and even accept (not necessarily love) how often I embarrass myself. There is no way on earth that I would ever dumb myself down to get people to like me, frankly I'd rather speak to someone who I can have a real conversation with than just small-talk with another who I don't connect with.

I'm very pleased with who I am and the person I'm going to become, because I know that I have the potential to be a big influence, even if it's just to a small group of people. I write because it not only helps me, because I have just that tiny glimmer of hope that someone will read it and find value in it. Whether or not that ever happens, I'm happy pretending that what I say will be heard.

To get back on track, I'm very conflicted about the idea of a relationship, because I know that I will be fine if I never end up in one. While there are benefits to having one, there are also benefits to being solitary. I'm not saying that I wouldn't enjoy the quirky romantic movie relationship and often I wish I could grab more hugs or cuddles, but I also recognize that reality doesn't work the same way that movies do and there's a lot more involved. That stupid awkward, get-to-know each other stage scares me more than I'd like to admit.

Religion and New Age Books

I like being honest, but I do tend to become silent occasionally when I feel insecure, when I'm afraid of aggravating a situation or hurting someone. I'm a bit hesitant to discuss this topic because it's something that isn't quite solid in my own mind yet and I'm a little afraid of bein made fun of. Despite that, as I've mention I use this blog as I way to work through ideas in my own mind, vent about things, and feel as if someone's listening, so be prepared for some rough honesty and undeveloped thoughts.

I've written a couple of blog posts quite awhile ago on some of my struggles with religion, but I've kept them to myself as of late for various reasons. I've found comfort in something that I'd like to keep to myself for now, until I feel secure in my beliefs. I'm glad to report that I feel very little bitterness regarding Christianity now and am happy for those who fall under that banner. I don't think I'd ever return to being a Christian, even though I enjoy reading the bible and some of its ideas, because I can't quite reconcile some of my personal beliefs with it and some of those who practice it. I have no issue speaking to others about it or using the word "God" since it's what most understand. 

I've read a lot of book about religion, read a few blogs and met people who think it's the cause of all evil in the modern world. I don't think I'll ever not believe in something, simply because it gives me comfort and helps to calm my mind when it gets a little out of control. I find satisfaction in having something to honour and prayer allows me to give up some control, plus I've always loved the action of praying. 

The hardest thing for me was trying to reconcile my personal beliefs, the beliefs I grew up with, and science. At first it was fear of what my family and friends would think that caused me to hide my views, and once I'd passed that checkpoint, I then was stuck fearing what other logical and intelligent people would think about me still deciding to believe in something so outlandish. During that time I read nearly any book that captured my interest and found my curiosity leading me to the new age section of the library. Most of those books were smuggled into the house and hidden in my room, because my mom would freak and my dad would laugh at me. My dad's reaction worried me the most because I really respect his opinion and, although his attitude often helps to bring me back to reality, I was starting to determine my own views. 

Although there are definitely some far fetched ideas over in new age, I'm going to say something a little controversial and tell you that they're not just for the crazies and some do have a lot of value. A lot of the ideas they're grappling with are the same ones that nearly every culture has grappled with, but without the structure of traditional religion or science, since a lot of them science has no answer for. Sure, you may come across a lot fluff, but you find it in the feel-good books of traditional religion as well.

For example, let's talk about the idea of what happens to the human soul when we die. Science says that we don't really have one (although it's still a bit unsure) and once our physical body fails, we cease to exsist, Christianity says either go to heaven or hell based upon our actions on earth, or whether we have accepted Christ, and Hindus and Buddhists both say that the soul reincarnates multiple times until we reach enlightenment. Obviously this is very over simplified. 

Now let's say that you didn't have a traditional religious structure to help you define things and weren't very satisfied with the scientific answer, what would you do? A lot of new age writers are faces with that problem and will search nearly anywhere for an answer they find adequate, often melding two or more beliefs together. 

What new age is, isn't just books by whack jobs, but books written by individuals that are trying to make sense of things in a very personal way. They work with ideas in a way that's almost rebelliously outside of society's rules and in a completely different direction than traditional approaches. The biggest thing reading those books have taught me is that everything is extremely personal, even religion, and unique to an individual. Although several individuals can share simpler beliefs and can be grouped together, each of them are distinctly different. That knowledge has allowed me to think personally about my beliefs and gave me the freedom to decide for myself what I think, even if it isn't the most mainstream and accepted idea. 

Just Meh

I've been having one of those blah weeks; I'm not stressed or anxious, I'm just feeling a bit dissatisfied again. It kinda revolves around work, but unlike my previous job I don't feel stressed or angry. I guess I just have a problem with keeping myself busy, because it feels like I'm drained due to work and yet if I wasn't working I'd just be extremely bored and unproductive. At the same time, socialization at work can energize me and make me feel great. I just need to find a way to balance out the two or learn to how to work at home. 

I feel completely drained and almost like my brain has given up and just accepted the way things are. Although there's a part of me that wants to rant about having to need a job and being unable to work the way I want to, there's another (more successful) part that just wants to suffer in silence and shut the hell up. 

Which is probably why this post is going to be such a short one. I wanted to get it out there, but I've just given up on trying to figure shit out... at least today. 

Co-Worker Rant

So after whining yesterday about my doubts regarding university, I thought I should take the time out of my day to whine about a different aspect of my life: work. 

There is nothing quite as frusterating to me as someone who denies they're at fault and refuses to stop blaming someone else. I had this today at work when a key disappeared after I'd given it to a co worker. He said I didn't give him the right key, although I did double check the tags before giving it to him and am pretty sure it was the correct one. So after a few minutes of arguing I figured I'd  try to restore the peace and gave a couple of no-one-at-fault senarios that he all shot down and then continued to blame it all on me. 

Even after several hours, he would throw in a "you gave me the wrong key" comment and remind me that he had seniority and I'm still new. Worst of all, I can't even talk to my boss about it since she and this guy are good friends.

Now, he's a very odd fellow to begin with and one that I find to be quite unprofessional and isn't the best communicator ever. He will skype chat with old friend during work hours, goes to the bathroom almost once an hour and will just disappear without telling anyone for 15 min at a time. My first or second week on the job, he told be I was being bossy and he still had seniority because I tried to rush him. He probably was right, but the tone and words he used sounded rude. I did tone it down and went out I my way to be super polite when I needed him to do something, and all was well until today.

The way he communicates with people is a little rude and condescending; I had already noticed he need to be right. He also will gladly gossip behind your back to people and loves to gossip to me about who was being rude to him. I usually play along, but I'm always taken aback when someone mentions what he's said about me. 

I have a feeling he'll prove to be a valuable teacher, even though he frustrates me, because he'll help me to learn what not to say to people and how to suck up to your boss. Unfortunately not all your life teachers will be ones you like, and often you discover what irritates and learn to do the opposite. It's immensely aggravating. 

University Doubts

I constantly go through cycles of feeling confident and of dissatisfaction with aspects of my life. My lows have thankfully been brought to a relatively stable level that doesn't completely throw me off balance, which means I don't feel as desperate for radical change and can work through them rather than have them run me over. 

My confidence in myself has drastically increased in the last month and with the aid of medication I don't feel as anxious all the time. I don't feel as if my agoraphobia is a problem, I'd even so much as say that it has disappeared and most of the anxiety I do feel is normal.

Because of this, I feel like I can say that my hesitance to go to university is not currently caused by social anxiety, although I don't doubt that as the time grows closer I will definitely be feeling it. Perhaps it's a subconscious anticipation of anxiety that causes my doubts, but  I really don't know. Like most of my posts, I'll be using this one to work through my thoughts, so don't expect me to have a good answer or even a decent argument. 

I've been doubting going to university before I applied, blaming my doubt on social fears and worries regarding trying to find the right classroom or feeling awkward, but now that I find myself at a stable and manageable level, I still have doubts that it's the right decision. I find that I'm now pinning them on my absolute hatred of high school (although some of the classes were ok) and am not looking for a repeat experience. 

I love learning, especially listening to a lecture, and love to think and write about it, but my inner hippie detests homework and tests because I think intelligence and understanding goes far beyond the two. I don't like being graded, somewhat because I'm a procrastinator and will find great stress in doing homework, and because the percentage I get does not at all reflect my understanding. Essays, which I prefer to a certain degree, are very subjective to the teachers personality. There are of course exceptions, but think of reading an online article and scrolling down to see the comments. There are inevitably some asshole ones, but even the intelligent reviews of it will have widely deferring opinions. 

A teacher disagreeing with certain word choices or a writers style (usually I get blasted for having too much personality) or even having a different opinion than the writer, might score it far lower than another equally qualified individual who thinks it portrays the idea well. To a degree, knowledge is very debatable. Even in science, you get multiple theories and have different individuals vying for each one. Knowledge is constantly changing and is rarely solid, there are many people in the same field with very different ideas and having my intelligence graded by just a single one irritates me.

I think it's just another one of my "why is society the way it is" problems. I don't know how to fix it, I just know I don't like it. 

Confession time; although getting a low level job was supposed to teach me that I need an education, I don't feel that way. I think I'd rather have a less stressful job that may pay less and use my knowledge in my writing than to have a job with more money. The only exception being if I find something I truly have passion in and enjoy working at. Although I find that I already have a passion for writing and expressing my opinions, even though I may not have a large audience. 

I do love to learn and I would gladly go sit and listen to lectures all day, then write about it or debate with people. I'd read nearly any book on any subject and maybe even look up workshops to help me with the more hands on stuff. It's not the learning about things that is a problem, it's being graded on it that causes me stress.

The Usual Stuff

Back to usual! I'm here to complain to you about my problems. ;)

I have to start my first day of work tomorrow and I'm beyond nervous. I've been having mini panic attacks for three days now. All it takes is a word or thought that sends my heart pounding, luckily it doesn't last long, but when you get one every hour it kinda ruins your day.

This time I'm really not sure I can do this. For once I really, really don't want to fight with myself to go somewhere. I just want to give in and not be so worried. Just to feel all this stupid stress dissipate. Even if I make it through tomorrow, I'll have to fight again the next and the next. Why can't I find something that I actually want to do enough to fight? I just fight out of responsibility, not because I want to have this job or because I'd like to learn something.

I'm tired of guilt being my motivation. There has to be something other than obligation that compels me to do something.

The Problem With Book to Movie Adaptations

This is kind of an extension from the post I wrote yesterday, simply because I have opinions that need to be shared; for what reason, I don't know.

I wrote a bit about how switching mediums as a way to breathe new life into a previously done idea. Each medium has a different way of telling a story, so you can actually take a story and plop it into a different medium to show different aspects within the story. For example, books allow a reader to create their own setting using their imagination, so every reader will essentially make the story their own. How they envision a character's appearance can be party due to a writer's description, but the reader also fills in a lot of blanks themselves based on their own experiences.

A movie is a more visual format. Costumes, scenery and characters are viewed by the audience rather than created in their minds. Movies usually have to fall within a certain time range, roughly an hour-and-a-half to two hours, with a few variances. They're usually completed in one shot, whereas a book can be put down and read during the course of several days.

There are a few things that make book to movie adaptations difficult. Just like I wrote yesterday about originals or classics, they already have a fan base. When someone decides on a book to turn into a movie, it's usually a pretty popular one. Which means a bunch of people have read it and enjoyed it in the original book format.

When you switch mediums, you have to alter the story. You can't fit as many details in two hours on screen as you can in a couple hundred pages in a book. That's usually the number one complaint a reader will have when viewing the movie. The second would be any changes in the plot. They alter the plot, usually to create more excitement, romance, etc for viewers because that's what viewers want. For people who didn't read the book, it makes the movie more entertaining.

There's a couple of things you can do to really make a book-to-movie adaptation successful, and the most important rule (in my own personal opinion, since I am a bookworm) is to treat it like a classic. This means follow some of the guidelines I posted yesterday:

• Wait a Generation: Wait for the hype to die down a little before trying to adapt a book into a movie. An example might be Lord of the Rings. When the movies came out most of the viewers who would be interested probably didn't read it before watching the movies. This is obviously a generalization, but I think LotR inspired a lot of people to pick up the books after watching the movie. 
• Add to it Don't Re-Do It: Rather than try to copy the original plot, do a prequel, sequel or have it focus on different events going on at the same time. Unfortunately, I can't really think of an example for it, although personally it's my favourite choice. 

Both of these rarely happen because often studios like to borrow the popularity of the original book to draw attention to the movie. In my opinion, this means that the quality isn't there. The worst they can do is break up the plot by trying to stretch it over multiple movies. There is a way you can do this, but every movie must have its own separate plot with rising action, climax and falling action under the major plot line that will span over all the movies. If you don't, you risk a movie that does nothing but build up and then its over. It's a big disappointment to viewers who now have to wait another two years for its sequel. Think of it being as disappointing and hated as the "she woke up and realized it had all be a terrible dream" line. 

I think remakes/adaptations should generally be avoided, with some exceptions. Going from a play to the big screen works due to the similar format that is just elaborated on. Going from book to tv show allows for a lot of detail, think Game of Thrones. If you are going to switch mediums, please choose to simply add on. It's a lot more interesting and it allows for creation rather than to simply reuse other ideas to death, plus you still get to use a bit of the original premise or world.

Why Movie Remakes (Almost) Always Suck

Ok, guys. Check this out. I'm not going to rant about my life today. I know! First I start being positive and then won't rant about my life, what kind of trauma have I been through lately?

Anyway, because I have opinions and currently have no one to share them with (except my dog who just sticks his tongue out at me and mocks me with his clueless brown eyes), therefore I shall pretend that you care about my opinions.

So, anyway, movie remakes! Actually, let's scratch that and put remakes of any kind of popular media including books, music, etc. Remakes generally occur when technology advances, and someone looks back at their favourite old movie/tv show/book/song and thinks "imagine what this would look like with todays technology". It's a valid thought, one I have often pondered myself. Could you imagine something like Star Wars with the technology that Avatar used? I'd love to see that!

Here's the problem, though. The favourite movie usually tends to be many people's favourite or a "classic". That's great, but that means that the original movie has a huge fan-base that have every second of that movie memorized and consider it a part of their childhood or what have you. That's a big issue because generally these fans do not like having someone mess with a classic.

One of the things you could do to avoid this, is wait until a new generation grows up; one who doesn't really remember the original. A good example of this would be Evil Dead. Evil Dead came out in 1981and became a cult classic. In 2013, a remake was released. For those less mathematically inclined, that's a 28 year period from the original to the remake. Now, the age range targeted for horror movies is approximately 13-30 years. If you're paying any attention, those 28 years means that the people who are likely going to see this movie probably didn't watch the original or experience the hype that followed, which could be why the remake ended up being successful.

However, that doesn't always work. Sometimes a film is such a classic, that even being generations apart doesn't work. Take Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho". It's probably one of the most popular movies to date. Did you know that in 1998 there was a remake? It flopped, big time. Unlike some remakes change the plot a little, it was a scene-to-scene remake, but it used modern (at the time) equipment. The reason it flopped was because the hype never died. It's such a classic that it's nearly everyone understands what you're talking about if you reference the famous shower scene.

Now, let's look back at Star Wars, simply because it's one of my favourites and the first thing that comes to mind when I think of a classic. Also, because it has been messed with over the years. The original trilogy was a huge hit, that fans are still geeking out about decades after it first hit theatres. Then the second trilogy came out, which didn't hit nearly the popularity the first did. Although to be honest, I don't have a huge issue with it. Jar Jar Binks probably wasn't needed, but I kinda liked the movies and they did moderately well in the box office.

Then came the sacrilege that was the editing of the original trilogy years after it was released. Just check out some of the amazon pages for the movies and you'll really see the disappointment and anger people feel towards it. You just can't mess with a classic.

The other way you can avoid a lacklustre remake, is by doing what Stars Wars did with the second trilogy. Take inspiration from the original and take part of it, but change the perspective by either making it from the view of a secondary character, filing in background story by doing a prequel, fast-forward into the future to view the repercussions of the original story's events, or by setting the focus on an alternative event occurring at the same time or a different world/country/etc. You still get to play around with the wonder of the world created by the original, but you're not replacing the original in any way, just adding to the story.

That kind of adding rather than replacing is why the second trilogy didn't completely fail. Buffy the Vampire Slayer changed the focus of the main character in Angel; which wasn't as much of a classic, but did manage to last for 5 years.

Another thing you can do is switch mediums. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was originally a tv show, but is currently being continued in comic format. You see that a lot when a book becomes a movie. Harry Potter and Star Wars both have continued their stories through approved fan-fiction. If you like Star Wars, you need to check out their comic omnibuses; if you love learning about back stories as much as I do, they're enjoyable.

Something to remember about switching mediums is that you can't keep the exact same story when you switch over. It's one of the things readers hate about when their favourite book becomes a movie (you've heard it, "The book is always better!"). They liked the book because of all the little added details, but whereas a book doesn't really have a time or page limit, a movie does. Condensing what took you days to read into only a couple of hours requires taking some stuff out and editing to allow it to work in its new format.

I could go on, but I think this post is long enough already. Long story short, I'm smarter than most of the people in Hollywood and they should really pay me millions to tell them how to do things. Remakes aren't always crap, but they are trickier to pull off when you're toying with a successful original. The easiest way to pull one off is to pick a shitty movie that didn't make a ton of waves but has a decent plot and turn it into a classic.

 Thanks for satisfying my need to converse (my favourite conversations have always been the ones where only I talk, blame my dad). I'm sure I'll wind up giving you another rant in the future. :)

A New Job

So, apparently that lasted roughly a day. In my defence, I have been busy. Yesterday, I went in for a job interview and was hired on the spot, which means that challenge is technically over. I also went to that university Welcome Night thing, which was ok. Didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know, but I still made it there.

I'm pretty sure I don't give myself enough credit for doing all that. I made it through some pretty awkward situations without running for the hills, and I don't really feel happy about it. I feel really anxious about that first day of work and the next university event. Like really anxious.

I'm very worried that this job isn't going to be a good one. Just because it's so unlike something I'd normally be interested in. Everyone I met seems really friendly and nice, and it looks like there'll be less pressure placed on employees vs the last job I had.

What worries me is just all the little social things you have learn. I know this sounds ridiculous, but there isn't really a specific place where employees park so I have to find a spot, then double check with someone to make sure its ok, and that really stresses me out. I hate those little things that you're unsure of, and although I know no one really cares or even remembers them, but I'm stressed about those tiny embarrassments.

I'll make it through it ok, it's just the anticipation and going through those experiences that kill me. In positive news, I did manage to hang out with and chat with a few people at the university thing. Other than the first ten minutes or so, I didn't really feel all that awkward. I also made it through quite a few little embarrassments with that job interview. They sent me to the wrong place, but I was very kindly directed to the correct spot. I made it through all those intact so that's saying something.

And most importantly, I went to both of those events without bailing or even thinking of bailing as a real possibility which is huge for me. Running away from something is my go-to reaction. Even when I was younger and got in trouble, I hide in closet to avoid facing it head on. Or like the time my mom got a ticket because my brother and I didn't have our seat belts on. I felt so bad I hid in my grandma's bathtub.

I would even say I'm pretty close to feeling proud of myself for not avoiding it.

The Happiness Challenge

Originally this post was going to be entitled "Why Basements and I Don't Get Along" and I was going to whine to you about how my future house will not have a basement (except a tornado shelter for when my sister comes to visit) because basements are a source of sleepiness and unhappiness for me. Probably due to the lack of sunlight.

However, after watching several TD Talks (because I hit my boredom level after practicing guitar, watching Looney Tunes and pinteresting for several hours), one in particular from Shawn Achor on "The Happy Secret to Better Work", I've decided to try something revolutionary for this blog. I am going to try positive blogging.

I know! How the hell am I going to do that? If you've read any of my past blog posts, you'll find only slivers of positivity usually because blogging is my way of venting frustrations and randomly thinking about things. Well, here's my plan: I'm going to attempt to set a goal. Now, usually my goals and I don't get along simply because I procrastinate to either set them or complete them. Tends to be a bit of both, I think. So, I give you permission to openly mock me if this goal falls through after three days.

Backstory time! I quit my semi-awful job a couple of weeks ago before I went on vacation. I'm now attempting to find another job and am struggling with a bit of frustration and anxiety. It happens when most of your day consists of Netflix marathons, Pinterest and microwaved meals. So, I feel bored, unhappy and stressed at the same time.

So, here's the goal. Until I get a new job, I will post something on this blog every day. The rule is as follows: every post must be positive. Even if I feel like crap and I tell you a sob story, I must list at least three positive things and the post must end on a happy note. (NOTE: I was going to add the additional rule of No Rants, but decided that I like ranting about random things, I'm just going to do it with a positive outlook now)

We'll see how this goes. Wish me luck, cross your fingers and send out a prayer because I will need it.

To begin the reign of positivity, here's a few tidbits. I've nearly caught up on the guitar lessons on Coursera. I may have had a solid fifteen minutes of frustrated crying over the weekend, but I did figure out how to play a chord and practiced reading music again.

In other news, I got accepted to university which is pretty cool. I'm going for a Bachelor of Arts and although I'm pretty nervous about it, I'm heading to a Welcome Night thing this week. So yay for me for trying to go!

I've also began story writing again. After such a long break, I'm not very confident that they'll be any good especially since I seem to be writing more for potential fame than for myself, so I keep working on the story concepts and reading articles like "Worst Story Openers" which I should never do because nearly every type of story opener is on there.

Besides, I consider writing to be extremely personal and, although I agree that you shouldn't use extremely over-used ideas like "Once upon a time" or the awful "it was all a dream" stuff, all you really need to know is grammatical and spelling rules for the most part. Everyone has their own preferences and it's always good to have people read it and give suggestions, but if I'd rather explore a character's internal struggles verses their outward appearance, I can totally shoot a "no thanks" your way.

Anyway, hope you have a good day. I will post something tomorrow with this new positive flair of mine, so stay tuned to see how that goes! :)