The Family Reject

I really hate that I'm writing this. Partially because I find the topic to be something from an over-emotional mind and partially because I feel stupid that I feel this way. Let's start off with this: although I often complain and rant about my parents and siblings, I love them like crazy. My parents are so supportive of me and they do their best to help me get the best life I could have. My siblings I love because of their many other traits that are often looked-over when I'm upset, and a little bit out of obligation on those days where I want to ring their necks. I know I'm loved in this family, however somedays I can't help but feel like the family reject. 

I think the biggest factor for these "emotional confessions" of mine is the compilation of many little irritants that are ignited by one or more small events that one would think to be inconsequential, but they wind up triggering either a rant or, in rarer cases, tears. The general event for today's rant/tears is "movie night". My dad and my visiting uncle, as well as my brother, decided to go see Safe House in the theatres. I usually love action movies, and my dad tends to (I blame this on him being unable to learn from past mistakes rather than something he does on purpose) over-look me, asking my brother instead. This time he did ask, but it just wasn't my kind of action movie so I passed. No big deal really, besides my mom and my aunt were planning on renting a movie, I could just watch with them. 

I should have known how it would turn out. It usually turns out this way every time my mom rents a movie. She and I have very different interests when it comes to movies. She likes drama and romance, the "chick-flicks" if you will, and the only time I watch romance is when it's piggy-backing on an action/comedy. Five minutes before we went to rent the movie, we had a conversation about my dislike of romance and drama. Ten minutes after, they rented a...chick flick. Yup, she has ears that don't hear. Of course, after I got up to go downstairs she makes a big deal about how I should have told her that I didn't want to watch that particular movie. Gee, thanks for making me feel like you care. 

And when I get downstairs, I start tearing up. I hate crying, it doesn't make me feel any better when I cry, in fact I feel worse because I wind up with a headache and a leaky faucet for a nose. I don't know why I want to cry, I just know the things that bother me. 

I feel like the outcast; the person who's always on the outside looking in. It seems that no one in my immediate family likes the things I do. It's hard for me to find some middle-ground or something in common with anyone. At least that's how I feel like at the moment, ask me again in a few days. I feel like what I enjoy isn't of any importance to anyone else, that they just don't care. 

My mom won't even watch 30 seconds of one of my favourite tv shows because it isn't her "kind of show". How the heck would you know? You haven't given it a chance. You have no bloody idea what it's about. I have a hard time finding someone to go to the theatre with me because they don't like the movies I do, in fact I've stopped asking them because it's the same thing. I'll go and watch the movies I don't have an interest in at all because I enjoy the company every now and again, and I believe that you need to allow people to watch what they want. 

That's one of the things that bugs me the most, especially when it comes to my siblings, and I'm sure they often have the same grievance with me. The fact that I feel like I constantly give, but that I never get any retribution. I often take my sister to Tims or Subway and pay with my own money, but it's extremely rare (like only once in the history of EVER) that she does the same for me. In fact, we've gotten into a few arguments about this. I'll often listen to them tell me about their day, but often when I try to tell them about my life they don't even bother to pretend to care. They never allow me to watch the movies I like with the rest of the family, I'll usually just watch them alone in my room on the laptop. They don't care that I've written two novels, my dad's the only one to have read even one. I spend over 1 year working on each one and I don't even get a good job smoothie or the opportunity to do something I want to do with the family. Granted, I didn't do something special when my dad finished his PhD, but if he wants, I'm game to do something he'd like to do. 

Somedays, today included, I feel as if I'm the one puzzle piece too many. I just don't mesh in with everyone else. Maybe it's my own fault. I enjoy being alone, so often they don't realize what I'd like because I tend to keep it more hidden. Not on purpose, it just goes along with that when you do things alone, people don't know what you do. Maybe I have, without knowing it, shaped myself into a puzzle piece from an entirely different puzzle. 

Thoughts: February Edition

It's been awhile since I've written down the thoughts from my green notebook, so there might be a lot. I actually really enjoy reading these after the fact because I think that there's some valid ideas...as well as a bunch of emotional rants. ;)

Irrational, illusionary fear. A fear that when thought about with a logical mind proves the individual an idiot. A fear that in the moment reduces me to a state of desperate escape. 


To release your mind to the world and say all that you want to say is the most freeing experience I ever was a part of. To let go of all concerns involving the fear of judgement in a maker that doesn't directly harm another person is to understand and learn about yourself. To constantly hide yourself from view and pretend to be someone else is to deceive yourself and lose your connection to your true thoughts and problems. By allowing yourself ftp opening show your flaws you prove yourself to be an individual and a human being. The flaws that we spend our lives hiding are badges of our own humanity. How dare we even try to cover them up. As long as our flaws do not harm others, then they should be exposed in, at the very least, a selective environment. Our flaws are also our strengths; my paranoias and the extreme way I experience them is a testament to my creative and imaginative abilities. If we hide our flaws, do we not also hide our strengths?


The goal of all things is to be perfect. Chemical solutions search for a state of equilibrium, the earth desperately tries to strike a balance between all elements, and humans cover up their flaws and are constantly searching of the fountain of youth. Perfection isn't a bad thing to aim for, but it must be kept perspective. Perfection is not possible for a human to obtain. We are too flawed. To be the best we can possibly be is what we should aim for, but we also must be aware of our limits and accept them rather than deny them.


I most certainly do not believe that people are inherently good, nor do I believe that they are inherently bad either nor are we entirely a blank slate. Genetics play a role in shaping an individual as does experience, but the general rule is that it is far easier to get what you want with bad intentions. Therefore, people will always have a tendency to take the bad path because it is the easiest. 


Can someone just "be"? Or must there be a purpose to life? Do we need to be productive to be deemed worthy? Does everything we do have purpose in some form? By thinking and reflecting, we still are productive because we create ideas, by exercising we fortify our bodies and by reading we strengthen our minds. Is there anything that can be considered just "being"?


I believe that everyone fears criticism; it's natural, no one likes to have their ideas belittled. However, criticism is what lies bad ideas and beliefs to rest, with some exceptions, and without it people become engulfed in a world created by their own minds. 


To what extent are my views governed by fantasied notions of honour and tradition. I have the desire to pass on something of myself to be remembered by, yet I wonder if it's a pointless endeavour. Does it matter whether I am forgotten years after I'm gone? Would I feel sad, angry or nothing at all? What good could I do after I've disappeared and what would leaving behind a trinket or piece of writing do?


I worry that I over-analyze and refuse to see the emotional side of things at times. It's almost laughable considering the mess of emotions I'm always jumping in and out of, although that could be the reason why I choose to analyze without them present. I find myself to be very conflicted between emotions and "rationalized" views. How can I find the balance?


I don't like conflict. I find it to be mostly pointless and more like the idea of brinkmanship than anything else. It doesn't resolve anything and only leads to stress as well as a high, unnecessary tension between people. The only solid way to resolve issues without too much backlash is by using forms of compromise. 

Chickening Out

Right now, I'm incredibly disappointed in myself...and I'm nervous about what I plan to write in this post. I hate what I do to myself. I hate that I like to ruin things for myself. I've talked about my agoraphobia in some previous posts and the fact that I have a really hard time forcing myself to go to school. As soon as I get one little excuse, I continue to use it. It's incredibly hard for me to make myself go to school and I don't know why. Yes, the agoraphobia does play a role, but I want to know why I chicken out so much.

Today's Truth: I went to school to go to math class, but I'd forgotten that we had an assignment due. I didn't want anyone to know, so I rationalized in my head that I was sick and needed to go home. Ten minutes into class and I left. I have not been feeling well for the last week. I've had a terrible cold that doesn't let me get much sleep (I sleep about 4 hours max. I usually wake up at 2am and just lie there until it's time to get up) and I feel very bloated. I constantly feel full, even when I haven't eaten anything, and when I do it, I feel like I've gorged myself and need to throw up. I still try to get, but all I can manage for a meal is a few crackers and a small drink. So, I haven't been sleeping and I haven't been eating, which has given me huge headaches and I have a hard time paying attention in class. So, yes, I have been sick although I probably could have toughed it out enough to go to class. 

Why is it so hard for me to push myself to do things? Why do I default to avoidance stragegies when something goes wrong, no matter how little? I'm ashamed of myself and at times I hate not myself, but the things I do. Why the hell did I just leave class? Why am I willing to screw up my grades and my future? Is there I future for me or am I so flawed that I'll never be able to have a real life? I want to know why I do this. I need to figure out how to stop myself from chickening out. Why I am so weak in self-control?

I've been trying to be as honest as possible when it comes to these blog posts and I've failed in some regards and succeded in others. There is a chance that my rationalizing has made me lie to you and I can't bring myself to admit it because I don't want people to hate me as much as I hate myself sometimes. 

I'm wondering if the fear of judgement or disappointment causes me to avoid things. The fear that if I go to class and I don't have my homework done, that my teacher will think I'm a loser or that I've some how let them down and now I need to face a form of humilation in order to make it better. The fear that if I let my parents know I've chickened out again, they'll reject me and yell at me, although they've done neither. I'm afraid of disappointing others, yet I continue to repeat the same actions over and over which leads me to disappoint them. 

I can sit in the car and yell at myself for everyone else. I did it on the way back from school today. I sat there and yelled, "Why can't you just go to class? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you really that stupid? You're screwing up your life. You're never going to be anything unless you man-up and work for it. You're nothing until you can provide for yourself. You're nothing because you won't ever be able to fend for yourself. You can't even get a frickin' job!" Over and over, I let myself know. It's much easier to hear it from myself that to have someone else tell me the same things in a nicer way. It's much harder to face my parents and have them tell me that I need to try to go to school than telling myself that I'm worthless because when I let someone else down it kills me, but when I only let myself down then it's more like "we already know you can't do it, why should you pretend to be worth something?". It's a horrible concept. They still have hope for me, I apparently have very little for myself. 

I feel like the worst child ever. They want the best for me, they want me to be able to do whatever I want to with my life; that's why they're disappointed every time I fail to follow through. My fear is that 10 years from now, I still won't have a job. I'll still be mooching off my parents because I suck at pushing myself to do something. I won't have a life. That's what I fear. I've contemplated a lot of things and in the back of my mind, there's the thought of running away or living on the streets because I don't want to be a burden. When's my breaking point? When will I hit rock bottom and finally figure out that I need to work hard to get out? 

I'm writing this post with full knowledge that I will be lectured by my parents. I'm writing this in all truthfulness, knowing that I a lot of what I wrote is dramatics, but it's how I feel. I'm writing this so that I don't have to kept this all inside, because even if no one reads this I can pretend that someone did and they understand. 

NOTE TO PARENTS: I'm so, so sorry! I'll be spending my day cleaning and cooking, and mentally reminding myself that I shouldn't chicken out.