Titles are Annoying

I've been feeling a little down the past few days, finding comfort in staying silent and being left alone. There are so many factors as to why, and I hope to explore some of them in this post. It may be a bit disconnected and hard to follow, but I blog more for my own sake than for readability. It's similar to a diary, with a few secrets left out to avoid hurting others, since I love being honest.

I've never really been confident in how a look and I hate to say it, but I often compare myself quite unfairly to my younger sister, a habit that I picked up after my mom mentioned comparing herself to her sister. I rarely ever reach the standards I have in my own mind and jealousy along with self-hatred quickly run me over. I try so hard to change my thoughts and be more kind to myself, but it feels like a losing battle. If I was true to myself, how I look wouldn't ever matter, since I value far more in myself than merely my appearance. I'd much rather be kind and compassionate, it makes me feel happier anyway, or intelligent and understanding. I want to cry when I think that I've been taught to worry more about my looks than my compassion, and although I wish to blame it on society, I know it can't be just it.

I have a hard time with my insecurity regarding how young I look, or when I think of the fact that I've only ever been on a single date, even though I really don't care whether or not I have a boyfriend. I think it just bothers me because it's almost like an expectation or sign that you're normal. I'm tired of worrying what kind of aura I give, whether I appear to be insecure or snobby or mad in other peoples minds. I don't want to care if the air I give is of someone who doesn't need a date. It shouldn't be important to me, I have so much else to offer that has far more value.

I want to be happy with me. I want to hide myself away and not spend a second worrying about how my outfit looks or if my hair's too greasy. I want to spend my time devoted to learning new things, gardening, playing with animals and just enjoying life. Why must I care so much about others minds?

And talking with my family has done nothing to ease it. Am I so conceited that every single conversation must be about me? Is that all I know? Am I trying to say things just for the emotional impact or do I actually believe it? I feel like such a conceited, lazy-ass who just spends her time bitching to people about society's rules.

I just want to quit life and hide. I want to be completely alone. I don't want to see or be around anyone, but rather than just whine about it I've tried look up ways that I could maintain my life without going outside. I've looked up so many online jobs, thought about selling things on Etsy and looked up prices of acreages everywhere in the province. I've read books on building houses and being off the grid. I'm trying to get there, and I'm not entirely sure what I'd do once I'm there.