Questions I Have Yet to Answer

I'm going to attempt to do a semi-positive post today. Gasp! I know, it's beyond shocking. Me, positive? The world is truly ending this month. My aunt asked me a question yesterday that I still haven't found the answer to. Or have, but it's not a very solid answer. So, I thought why not sure some of the questions that have been posed to me. The majority of these, I don't have an answer to. So, bear with me. ;)

My aunt had asked me, "What makes you feel loved?". It sounded simple, but it's always those simple ones that throw me for a loop. I've been feeling very emotionally levelled, meaning lately I've been very emotionless and have a bleak outlook at times. So, my first thought was "Have I ever truly felt loved?". I'm still in emotionless mode, and love is an emotion so I haven't been able to pinpoint a lot of exact moments, but reason tells me that I have felt loved. (I'd also like to acknowledge at this point, that my parents and family members are extremely loving and I've had an excellent life. So, no fault on their part!)

After thinking about it so hard that my brain nearly burst, the best I could come up with is the random, spontaneous things that you don't see coming make me feel loved. Even just the tiniest things, like someone paying for my coffee (tea or chai latte in my case) make me feel loved, and the person didn't even try! My mom once woke me up one morning when I was still pretty sick and handed me a chai latte. That blew me away, and still does! When I was little, I had a lot of nightmares, so my dad told me to make up stories in my head to help me get to sleep. That's probably the single piece of advice I love the most. I still do it, and use it as a coping mechanism when I'm stressed.

I like things that aren't done because it's customary, something spontaneous and has meaning to me. The person may not know they've made me feel loved, but when they do it without feeling like they have to, it means a lot to me.

Another couple of questions, I've come across is in regards to my anxiety is "who made you feel worthless" or "what I am protecting myself form". I'd have to say that I have a tendency to make myself feel worthless. I'm extremely harsh and judgemental of myself, I know this and believe me I'm trying to work on it. Someone may trigger something, by making fun of my makeup or outfit, and I take to whole new level. I will spent hours criticizing every little detail of that conversation and mentally hitting myself for looking like an idiot or embarrassing myself. It wasn't my problem, someone else was being an idiot. I'm still trying to remember that whenever I feel judged or criticized. If I like the way I look, no one else's opinion should matter.

I also don't know how to answer that second question. I don't know what I'm protecting myself from. Embarrassment, public humiliation? Those are my only two guesses. I have a hard time stepping out of my comfort zone (most people do) and I have a hard time making myself vulnerable. I only like being the centre of attention if it's for something I feel control in. For example, presenting or teaching a subject to a class. I love it. I like sharing the information I've gathered, it makes me feel very happy and confident. At a party, I'd rather slink away into the background or be glued to a friend's side.

I've probably mentioned this before, but a previous therapist of mine asked me "Is a person ever worthless?" It arose when I told her, I felt worthless because I didn't have a job and was having trouble with school. I was also afraid I'd spend the rest of my life living with my parents and never doing anything of value. I thought about it for a week straight, and finally came up with no. As long as I am able to think, I'm not worthless. Most of my work is done mentally; I like to think, write and read. You're not going to see physical results for those most of the time.

I'm not saying that I don't ever want to have a job, as I wrote in my last post, I'd really like the freedom it offers. My problem is getting myself there. In happy news, I did manage to hand in a resume the other day. My aunt and I were at DQ and she spontaneously asked me if I could ask for an application form. Spontaneous and something I like to avoid usually ends up with me staring into space like a deer in headlights. And yes, at first I was just like that. I did manage to make up the courage to go to the counter, got an application form, and filled it out, handing it in before I left. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I actually felt really confident.

My aunt has been great in helping me over come some of my fears about handing in resumes. I admitted that I often lied about handing in resumes, just because I didn't want to disappoint someone or look stupid. She suggested a code phrase that I could say every time I felt like lying about it, so that she would know that it's the time to be a bit more gentle with me.

It blew me away because I had tended to look at job applications as you hand it in, you succeed or you don't hand it in, you're a failure. There was never this grey area of, I tried. I never stopped to think about why I was unable to hand in a resume or what happened to prevent me from accomplishing my goal. All I know about past attempts was, tried and failed. Not why I failed. Or what I could do differently to allow me to succeed.

Either way, I'm feeling more optimistic today. Even if I have to hand in two resumes tomorrow. It shall be done!

Archery, Indecisiveness and Over-Thinking

So, random thought of the day: I'd like to learn how to use a bow and arrow. I loved archery the very few times I got to try it at some camp or something, and ever since have wanted to learn more. I haven't really told a lot of people about this desire of mine, partially because when ever I say something random like that, people think I'm joking or it's my interest of the week. Now, that could very well be. Maybe it is just one of my random desires that will disappear and rewaken the next time I watch a Robin Hood movie. Somedays I can't tell if it's just an impulse want or not.

The other reason is, for the last few years we've had a small yard and I can be very shy. By that I mean, I almost need a bow, target and a few arrows so I can learn by myself in the backyard because I'd be far to nervous to go somewhere to learn all by myself. I could be wrong, but I doubt that any member of my immediate family would want to go with me. I say immediate family because my friend group is limited and I don't think the two close friends of mine would be interested. (Note: I like having a small group of friends and have no desire to become more 'popular'). Either way, I'm sad that I can't just set something up in my backyard and start practicing. If I could, there would be archery-related things all over my Christmas list. :P

Going back to my random impulse to learn some new random thing (it happens a lot), it makes it insanely hard to settle on something. When I go shopping, I know exactly what clothes I want or what kinds of things I like. I'm very decisive when it comes to stuff like that. However, when it comes to my goals in life, I am the most indecisive person in the universe and I hate it. It is so frickin' irritating not knowing what the heck to do with yourself. The best goal I got is "get a job", which I actually would like to accomplish (it would be a lot more freeing to have extra money lying around, not to mention something to get my ass out of the house), but suck at working towards.  I procrastinate and skirt around the issue like it's my job. And my excuses are pathetic:

Hand in resumes today? Naw, I don't feel like putting on makeup today. It's more of a Friday activity. Don't feel like getting dressed up. I forgot and now it's too late in the day. It's after 5 and during the worst shopping time, don't feel like looking like an idiot in front of a crowd. Etc, etc, etc!

That's not even including my actual attempts. I can't count how many times I've done my make up, put on something nice and driven to the place only to chicken out and drive right on by. Maybe I'll actually go into the store and just wander around because I can't work up the courage to hand my resume to the person at the counter. Or, I'll manage to get myself to the counter, but wuss out at the last minute and buy a chocolate bar instead.

So, that's how the job quest is going. And the worst part is, I'll lie to people about it. My mom asks how the job hunt is going, I'll tell her I just handed in a few resumes. Yeah, I handed those things in a month ago and haven't bothered since. Or, I'll just try and avoid the subject completely by shrugging and going "haven't gotten a call back". No duh, I haven't handed anything in for a month! Granted, I have handed in a quite a few resumes and just haven't gotten a call back for any of them, but after that random spurt of bravery, I don't bother going back to hand in another. So, sorry parents. Your daughter has been lying to you and, to be truthful, doesn't see herself handing in anything anytime soon. She knows she has issues and that she needs the responsibility, so giving her another lecture will result in eye-rolling and probably an argument.

I have no idea what I want to do for school. I have no idea what kind of job I'd like after post-secondary. I don't know what kinds of beliefs I have. I don't know how to take people's advice. I am feeling insanely lost. All I want is a goal, it doesn't have to be big, but I need one. Even having another novel to write would be awesome, but I can't decide which one to write next! I hate the fact that my days revolve around googling things on the internet and just reading every article I can find. I can't even get myself to finish one of the books I've picked up from the library. Not to mention that I'm not sure when I'll move back in with my parents. Right now, I'm bouncing from relative's house to relative's house. It's so frustrating!

I know this comes from over-thinking and not shutting my brain off. I got that. I'm very aware of what's good or not good for me, I just have a hard time figuring out how to stop these bad habits. I just don't know how and it's a very helpless feeling. My dad keeps telling me to do stuff, volunteer and to act rather than think my way out. I sorta get what he's saying but at the same time it's like a foreign language. I need a goal before I can act; a solid one that won't disappear in a few days. How can I act if I don't know what to act on? It's like "Ok, I'll act. Now what? Do I write a novel, or learn archery, or go to school, or get a job, or learn to sew, or learn to cook, etc?"

Either way, I'm starting to reach the point where I'm tired of talking to people about my problems because I keep getting the same answers that are no use to me. I feel like I'm back where I was a few months ago, just feeling helpless and not knowing how to get out. I don't even know how I pulled myself out of this mood back then. The level of frustration is so hard to convey in words. I could use a poetic "falling into the fit of despair and being surrounded by a heavy veil of darkness so thick and confusing that I can't find a way to pull myself out", but it's almost too corny to me. It's more fit for a fictional story that to describe my life or feelings, or so it seems.

Sigh, so that's my update. Don't you love how I get the desire to write only when I'm in a depressed mood?

Giving up?

I know I wrote in a previous post (again, I'm too lazy to go back and figure out exactly which one) that I was going to make myself read a few books on Christianity as a last ditch effort. Now I'm wondering if I'm too far gone for that. I was talking to a few people about what I struggled with and as I described the Bible, it hit me that while I enjoyed the history, I hated the actual stories of people. To me it feels like mythology or a child's storybook. Some myth like Santa Claus that has been retold and dramatized to provide more entertainment for the viewing audience.

Don't misunderstand me, I don't look at Christians as brainwashed idiots for believing in it, I"m just telling you how I feel when I think of the Bible. I can't exactly travel back in time and prove or disprove all the stories in the Bible, so for all I know I could be the idiot.

My point is, how can I believe in a Christianity when I don't believe in its most important source? Is it even worth it to continue trying? I know, that as soon as you start thinking of giving up, it usually means you will, which concerns me. A relationship with God isn't worrisome, I find more comfort in that, but the Bible to me seems like a wall I can neither go over or through to reach Him. I suppose I'm very cautious and don't like placing my trust in a book. You can tell me God gave people the inspiration to write it, but people still wrote it, and then translated it, and translated it again and again. Not to mention over the course of history, how many parts of the Bible have been lost or added as filler or to further a political stance? People are corruptible and I have a hard time believing that the Bible has never been touched by that corruption.

I'm starting to think I'm a very negative person. Maybe because I've watched far to many crime shows, I've been left very wary of people. You know that "everyone is a suspect" line, I may have been taking that too literally...

Doggy Withdrawal

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that when I moved I found myself missing my dog more than my family, not that I don't love my family. Well, it's been a few months and I still find myself missing him like crazy! It's horrible, absolutely horrible! I'm writing this very early in the morning because as I was lying in my bed, I couldn't stop thinking about my puppy. It is a little sad, I know.

It's gotten to the point where I see a dog in a movie or out on the street and I'll spend the next few hour lamenting on the fact that I don't have on. I just want to pet and hug and love a dog. I really, really do. Why, you ask, don't you just get a dog then? Excellent question random web user, because I'm currently living with some extended family members who are very against having a dog in their house or on their yard. Trust me, I've tried. And tried and tried.

I have the possibility of moving in with an aunt who would be for having a dog, however it's going to cost some money to get one from the shelter. Contrary to my child-like mind's belief, they are not free if you rescue them. You still need to pay for all the vaccinations and such that the dog received at the shelter. Stupid rules.

So, here comes the fun part that speaks to my desperation. I am going to get a job, save up a bunch of money and buy a dog. Not only that, but my groggy brain is now explaining to me that I'll have to move here semi-permantly (originally, it was just for a few months, but now I'm thinking a year or more) for my future dog that I have yet to hold in my arms and love. Here's why, because back at home my puppy is an anti-social, yappy idiot (that I adore!) who would probably tear a new puppy to shreds, even though he's a little guy. So, my brain has informed me that a longer stay would be required to train a new puppy before introducing it to the devil dog that I haven't been able to love or hug and is making me go through all this doggy withdrawal.

Stupid emotions making me miss things. I need a do so badly! It's so hard to get how desperate I am across to people. They take it as a joke, but it hurts so much not to have a dog to love. Honestly, I can't even look at dogs anymore because it makes me far too sad and just leaves me with the mantra "I need a dog, I need a dog, I need a dog" that never shuts up! I've gotten to the point of hugging cats! I hate cats! I even have a favourite now. It doesn't even have a name, but I like it better than the other black cat that hangs around this house. I really don't like cats, but I'll hug nearly any type of animal companion. Reptiles, insects and birds excluded. Pretty much any type of loving furry mammal I would take. Notice the pretty much, there are exclusions there.

Ugh! Help me, I need a puppy. This sucks!

My Struggles with Christianity

'Sup random web-users and a few people I do know that are beginning to think I need some serious help. Guess what? I've been feeling frustrated and confused again! Yay! Yes, I do know that pretty much the entire course of this blog has been about confusion. Welcome to my chaotic life, you may want to leave before I drag you into the pit of despair.

Truth be told, I'm not really in despair at the moment. I actually feel relatively cool and calm, which is slightly shocking. I'm also relatively happy. What weird alien creature has taken over my body, you ask? I'm hoping a really cool one that plans to take me to its planet it to be revered as a wise and superior individual. Fingers crossed!

What am I here today to complain about? Excellent question, I'm glad you've asked. It continues the religious debate I had in my last post. And there goes all the random web-users leaving only the people I know to shake their heads whist sighing. I love you guys too! :) You may wish to preserve your delicate belief that I am doing things the way you'd be comfortable with by leaving this page now.

I don't think I'm a Christian. I mean, I haven't called myself a Christian in several months, but I still tried to fight to be one. Again, this is mostly based on the people within Christianity verses the actual religion (although there are quite a few parts of the religion I do struggle with. Yeah, I'm talking about the Bible. I'll get to that in a minute). I realize that people shouldn't be the ones who get to decide my own view on a religion. I get that, but I think everyone must admit that those around you need to be compatible for a mutual friendship to work. By compatible, I don't mean they have to like the same things you do or believe the way you believe, I mean that there has to be a connection. You can't hang around people who belittle or constantly judge you, you want to hang out with people who accept and have compassion for you.

Though Christianity preaches love and forgiveness, I usually regard the people who practice Christianity as hypocrites who preach hatred. I understand if you don't agree with someone's beliefs. I get that. But you still must show them some respect and treat them as if they have some value. You can't spend your entire life judging someone who is a little different and saying that they're going to hell. No, bad Christian! Stop judging and start showing some compassion. How can you expect people to want to be Christian if you're spending your time making them feel bad? I find myself far more willing to at least learn more about something if you approach me with kindness and respect than an all out verbal war. I've met some fantastic Christians who do that, but I see far to many that don't.

That could be because once you start looking for bad things you're going to find them. If you start looking for faults with a fine-toothed comb you're going to find tons of them, I understand. That's what I've been busy doing. I have been nit-picking. So, here comes another one of those semi-embarrassing moments where I get to say that I may have been over-analyzing some things and may be biased in someways. Shut up, it happens.

So, the people are a big factor and so is the Bible. I don't really see the Bible as a rule book. I, personally, have a hard time doing so for various reasons. First off, it was written by people not God. God may have given them the inspiration to write, but it was people's words. By the same account, couldn't any book written by a pastor inspired by God be of similar worth. I have a hard time understanding the Creation story, but I have a hard time understanding any creation story (includes scientific theories) because it will never be proven. Ever. We will never know how this universe came to be.

I also don't like the book of Revelation. Not because it scares me or is confusing as heck, but because I have a hard time wrapping my head around how a compassionate and forgiving God turns on people and obliterates the world. What about the younger people who live at that time, they wouldn't have had much of an opportunity to discover God. Some people only accept him in old age. But these young people wouldn't have as much time before they're doomed to suffer because they didn't have a chance to discover Him. I asked someone and they told me that the appeal of God would be so much stronger in that time, but the verdict's still out on that one for me.

I see the Bible more as a collection of thoughts by some very wise people and a historical record. I do not see it as the end-all holy book that must be obeyed to the letter and more as a guide where you don't have to agree with everything said, but offers some advice. I think it is a very valuable book, even if you're not Christian.

Anyway, I'll stop musing because I am losing my train of thought and that usually is not good. End point is the same as my last posts: I do not see myself becoming a Christian any time soon, if at all.

Tainted Religion

I think I'm done being logical for awhile. I say that now as I feel stressed and overwhelmed, but for some reason I have a voice giggling and saying "yeah right. Even this post will be filled with logical back-and-forth arguments." I'm not so fond of this voice right now, I think she may be in cahoots with both Reason and Logical Thought.

For the sake of my three com-pain-ions (Haha, see what I did there. It's ok to chuckle, I'm doing it right now. Yes, I do laugh at my own jokes), I feel as if I should aid a disclaimer. This should probably go for all posts on this blog: past, present and future. First off, what I write is what I'm feeling at the moment. It doesn't represent the entire course of my life or full spectrum of emotions. If it did, then this blog would represent a depressed and somewhat neurotic individual who is emotionally unstable and self-absorbed. While I am self-absorbed about 75% of the time, I like to pretend that I have control over my emotions. Since what I write is "in the moment", I will have many embarrassing moments that start with "There is a chance that I was wrong...". Also, for all you nit-picking readers (DAD!), I cannot cover all my bases in just a single post. It would take an entire novel to backtrack and include every possible vantage point. I still love you nit-pickers (Dad), but try not to read between the lines. Sometimes an author chooses to make a character wear black because it was the first colour to pop into her head, not as a symbol of mourning over the downfall of society and the rules imposed on people to make them fit into society (aka- loss of colour or loss of individuality). Sorry, it's true.

Whew! Anyway, the point of this post was to be completely open and honest about my religious struggles and my current state. I'm feeling very mad and helpless right now. I wish that I hadn't been raised in a particular religious group because even though I try to see it as something freeing, I can't help but see it as a restrictive idea. I feel as if the idea of spirituality has been polluted for me, as if my spiritual mind has been violated and dirtied, by the people I grew up with. I wasn't given a chance to find it on my own, my mind was molded with particular religious ideas imbedded in me and now that I'm looking for something spiritual, I'm still stuck with thoughts of how I should be not what I want to be.

It's horrible, because I can't break free. I can't explore other religions, I can't think of my childhood religion in any other light and I can't find peace in anything. I forever stuck on this repeating loop filled with guilt, habit and bitterness. I can't think of Christianity as anything other than what has been shown to me, even though I'm trying so hard to look. It ruined it for me. It's so frustrating, because now no matter what I choose, I will have to work through all this shit people have created for me. If I did it to myself, then I could understand the consequences and realize that I am to blame. But this sucks! It's like getting in trouble for something you didn't do and having to sit through your punishment while those who did it are out playing with their friends.

In all honesty, I don't want to be Christian. It doesn't feel right. I don't have the desire to learn more about and I feel little connection to it. The only reason I'm trying so hard to be it, is because it would cause far less guilt and disappointment for my friends and family, and I wouldn't been criticized for it. It's only for their sake that I'm trying. I don't hate it as a religion or spiritual path, I know many sincere and loving people who get comfort and happiness from it and I'm very happy for them. However, I don't see a spot for me in it. I can't imagine myself being happy with it and although I'm sure that it can be completely different from what I've known, it's always going to be tainted by my past experiences.

I've tried so hard to redeem it. And yes, I was very bitter for awhile. I far less bitter now and can see that it does good and isn't just filled with hypocrites. I have no desire to read any literature on it, but I'll try so I can at least say I've tried everything before giving up. I want to believe what I want and I've found some ideas I really agree with, but feel as if I can't accept them because it would disappoint my family. Because if I did I would be rejecting a big part of all their lives, and make people take a step back and see me as someone who is crazy or out-there. Everyone I've talked to says they hope my final outcome will be Christian. That's what they wish/pray for. Every part of me rebels against that, but is too afraid to tell the truth or show it.

Writing this down scares me because people I know can read this. Even scarier is to admit this face-to-face and have to tell people "I'm not a Christian anymore" or have them mock or make-fun of the things I do believe because they don't fall into mainstream ideas. I'm already the butt of the joke in my extended family by being different. I've been told that I've put on too much makeup or have 'black eyes' by trying out some more dramatic makeup looks. I've heard so many "Oh, dear" sighs of laughter after admitting one of my life goals or wants. It's frustrating because I want to be me, but I have to deal with a lot of bullshit even just to try something different. If someone walked into my room and saw the collection of books on my bedside table, I would never live it down. I've got a few books by the Dalai Lama, "Exploring the Levels of Creation", "Positive Energy", "The Power of Tact", "Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner", "The Other Side of Normal" etc. I don't necessarily believe in everything these books say, but I'm curious and I think that's ok, but I would suffer a lot of jokes and ridicule for having these books in my possession.

I'd better stop soon before I do manage to complete a novel filled with my feelings. I don't see myself as being Christian anytime in the near future. I see myself disappointing my family, dealing with ridicule and having a wide-varitety of beliefs. I'm clinging to what I know would be easier for my family to deal with, but longing for what I want.

Elusive Happiness

It's been quite awhile since I've last posted anything on here, and now I have a lot to say. Not in one shot, so don't you worry. I'll do my best to spread it out. ;) The last time I wrote, I spoke about my anxiety and fears about universities/colleges. That hasn't changed. Every time I read a facebook post from one of my friends on how they've moved into their dorm room or just began class, I feel ashamed and worthless. Like I've somehow failed my life and am now doomed to live an unfulfilled life. Yes, I realize how dramatic that sounds, but when is the last time emotions haven't been dramatic?

But looking back on all that has happened over the course of the last year, I'm proud of myself. I came very, very close to quitting high school. Very close to running away and giving up on school, to the point where I had everything planned out and a check-list prepared. My mind was an absolute mess and I couldn't sleep or pay any attention in class. Granted, near the end of the school year I used my anxiety as a crutch and an excuse, but I finished. I was seriously sick for nearly 5 months, missed over 60 days of school, and I'm very lucky to have graduated.

Even though I recognize that, I still feel ashamed that I'm not continuing my education...at least right now. I've also been greatly dissatisfied with my life. I don't know why nor to I know how to fix it. Being curious and interested in other's views, I picked up a book by the Dalai Lama called "The Essence of Happiness". Halfway through, I came to the conclusion that I don't think happiness is possible. At least right now, in this moment, I find that a life full of happiness seems impossible to obtain.

Perhaps, I'm far too objective and cynical or have a hard time thinking back to when I've felt happy. Maybe I'm just a moody teen who likes to wallow in sadness and whine about how awful the world is with a bunch of hipster quotes. (Side note: those really do get irritating after awhile. Like "Where's the good in goodbye"? Seriously, use your brain). I think I do have something wrong with me, however, because I've noticed that when I'm thinking back on emotions I have a very hard time thinking that my life has ever been different.

Because I'm a weird child, the other day I had to journal my thoughts on missing my family. I moved away recently and was a little worried about the fact that I haven't really felt a sense of loss after being away from my family. Haha, I even questioned whether or not there was something wrong with the way I bond with others. I quickly dismissed the fact that I'm a cold-hearted bitch, since I've missed my dog far too much and still cry while watching sad movies.

Therefore, my conclusion is that I'm slightly insane and need to practice on connecting my emotions now to my emotions of the past. :P

Anxiety and Education

There is an absurd amount of fear running through me right not, all regarding having to get an education. Aside from the chaos that is the post-secondary system, I am really afraid of my anxiety hindering me. I know that I'm already psyching myself out by thinking so, but I'm worried that I won't be able to cope with finding my way around a campus, having to talk to others or stepping way out of my comfort zone. I'm still struggling to force myself to go do recycling on my own, although I've done so a few times already.

I think that's why I've started to look more at distance courses and I'm just using a temporary move as an excuse. I don't know how I'll be able to continue on with any kind of productive life if I continue to give into my fear. Even if I did manage to complete a program completely on line, how will I be able to get myself a job?

The worst part about this is that I have no idea how to combat it. Saying "Just do it" doesn't help, nor do cliches like "Just think of it as a small step", in fact I've heard them too much and now I just completely ignore them. They hold no meaning or comfort to me, they're just like singing "Oh Canada"; you've done it so much on auto-pilot it's unlikely that you know the words off the top of your head or even stop to consider the meaning behind the song's words.

If getting out of a habit is like rewiring the brain, like I've heard so many times, then how do I do that? If I've been running the same script over and over again in response to a certain situation, it's not as simple as writing a new script and clicking enter. I've been struggling with religion lately and it's the same problem. How can I even try to learn about something else if I've been engrained with a certain belief since I was born? It has been wired into me and it then becomes incredibly difficult into believing something that, even if I do agree with the philosophy, goes against it.

Months ago, I wrote that I was afraid of being nothing. Of having no purpose or being a worthless waste of space. I still have that fear, although I've discovered that its core is guilt. I'm not worried of being someone who sits at home writing, researching and making little money. I'm worried about not being able to support myself and having to add to someone else's burden. It's the same thing with my religious worries, I fear having my family members tell themselves (if I agree with something outside of what I've been taught) that they're the reason for my different beliefs.

I am not nothing, I will never be nothing unless my brain no longer functions. There is always value of an individual so long as they continue to create, whether it be abstract or material. Yet, I worry that I will disappoint my family if I do not become the traditional idea of 'something' and that's why I fear not getting over my anxiety.

I'm Not Worthless

There are times when I wonder if I'll ever have a life worth living. All too often what should be a new and fun activity turns into a fear fest with me slamming on the brakes. Every time I fail at an attempt to face my fears, I feel as if I have just lost my shot at a future. As if this one activity or challenge determines all my future attempts at facing my fears. The only time I have ever succeeded at over-coming any fear is when my feelings of guilt outweigh it. Even as a little girl, when my mom was pulled over because I wasn't wearing a seatbelt, I couldn't take the guilt and hid in my grandmother's bathtub. I'm out of high school and I'm still hiding. Not once have I done something for myself. Never. Always for my parents or friends or grandparents or teachers...etc.

My mom finally cracked at me today and said probably the worst thing that could ever reach my ears, "You can't help someone who doesn't want it". Granted it was after I told her to stop telling me to "think of it as a small step" because it was too cliche and didn't hold any meaning, and after 2 hours of discussing my fear with her, I'm sure that she was tired of it.

I want to be able to face my fears. I want to walk outside my house without worrying about every little social interaction. I want to be able to get a job and do things I want to. I want help, but it can be hard to accept it.

I am not worthless, I am fearful. There is a difference. Every word that is written on a page or typed into a computer is not a word from someone who is worthless. I have worth. I'm still trying to figure out how to show others that worth, and it's not easy to. I feel as if every second spent with my family is a second that tries to destroy me. Every minute in the presence of any family member, extended or immediate, is a minute in which everything I do is criticized. In which, I am mentally beaten to the point where all I can do is curl up into the fetal position in a corner.

Right now, I am thinking of where I can sleep away from them. I have a cousin in my room, my brother sleeping on the couch, my parents upstairs. There is no where private. I need not to speak to them. I need them to ignore me as if I don't exist. I don't want them talking to me, I don't want them acknowledging me or worst of all giving me advice. I need to be somewhere without anyone. I've debated sleeping outside or in the car or in a closet because I don't want them to be here.

I don't hate them. I feel extreme loyalty and devotion to them, but I can't live with them anymore. I can't have them lecturing me any more. I don't need them to tell me to get a job, face my fears, just do it or try to read my mind. I would like them to leave me alone. I just need to be alone.

I'm tired and confused right now. I need to go to sleep, but I don't want to because then I'll have to deal with them in the morning. I wish I could go somewhere else, but I don't know where. I want help, but once something is said too many times it isn't help. Just like at a grad ceremony, after ten inspirational speeches, suddenly all those comforting words become uninspirational and draining.

Alternative Living

I swear, some days I think I'm crazy. I have a hard time trying to wrap my head around whether or not a thought is influenced by just some wacky emotions or if it's something worth considering. My fear whenever I write these thoughts or ideas down is the reaction my father will have. I'm not entirely convinced in his ability to analyze me because I disagree or grow frustrated whenever he tries. He makes me out to be someone who's every action is done in order to gain attention. Granted, I do try to gain attention sometimes, but I consider that to be normal for everyone. Maybe by analyzing me, he's trying to gain attention for himself or trying to seem smarter than those around him, however because I cannot read his mind I wouldn't know... yes Dad that was a hint! ;)

Anyway, my parents just came back from a trip and I'm sad to say that my anxiety has just shot up a few levels. I was almost excited, and a little bit sad because I'd just lost some of my freedom, when I went to pick them up, but five minutes in the car and I was ready to drive them right back to the airport. One of the things that bothers me is that they did nothing wrong, I'm just irritable and am nit-picking everything. My mother, especially, tends to tick me off. I'm still a little upset about the last few fights we've gotten into  and because it was never resolved, my frustrations have been building.

This is where my dad will really put on his analysis hat and begin to judge. Still love you Dad! :) Anyway, for some reason, I have the desire to runaway. Just to become homeless and forget about money. Well, at least use very minimal money. I know it sounds crazy, I know it's really hard to think of me being about to do it, but I just want to disappear. I've had this thought for awhile now, but it's gotten to the point where I'm being to plan out how I'm going to do it. I'd need to get a job in order to have some money to buy the things I need to get started, like a few gift cards and money for a bus, I've already made a mental list of the things I'd need to bring with me and have researched homeless shelters across Canada and how to backpack, etc.

My greatest fear, other than going into this blind and coming out feeling like a complete idiot after proving that I am unable to cope with a life like that, would be how my family feels after I leave. I don't want them to be constantly worried about me, or start blaming themselves or anything like that. I don't want them to guilty or upset because of me. As much as I want to just completely disappear and not have anyone know where I am, I realize that doing that would hurt my family and I would need to make an attempt to call them or email them every now and then.

For those who are questioning my sanity and ability to think of the future or consequences, I just want to make clear that I think that experimenting or thinking about alternative options is ok. I want to be able to try things out and I don't expect myself to spend more than a few months in that kind of lifestyle. In fact, I'd like to just try it out for a month, just to see how I'd be able to function. I'm curious to see how my shyness and anxiety would play out in that kind of situation, even though I'm terrified that I'll fail miserably.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I know it sounds a bit crazy and the majority of you are thinking that I couldn't ever be able to this, but I just need to get it out there.

Story: Chronicles of a Gryphon Keeper

Hey! I'm in a pretty good right now after two hours of some serious pampering and meditation, so I thought I'd share one of my newer stories with you. My writing has seriously changed since last year and I'm loving, so hopefully you will too! :)


3rd Day of the Rainy Season
6th Year of Reign of Amaranth,
The 17th Gryphon Keeper


To Whom It May Concern,

To think of the passage of time as if it's solely linear and as unstoppable as a stampeding elephant would cause me to laugh. For it is as far from such as I am from ever obtaining a stable level of sanity. Sanity happens to be a great enemy of mine for it only produces what has already been invented. Insanity is the realm of the greats, a place where thoughts are created and inventions made. For no one but one who is insane could ever dream of accomplishing what those who are sane deem as impossible.

These letters that I am writing to you, my unknown friend, might very well be the very spawn of my insanity. For some reason, the desire to write letters that detail my life and thoughts spring upon me while, in all places, I was trying to remove the gryphon that clawed at my hair with a vigor that only someone who has never lost the hope of having a great and glorious life.

So, read my letters if you suddenly have the odd desire to do so (I certainly hope that you don't discover said desire whist having a tiny devil rip out your hair) and learn how not to become a great gryphon keeper, for learning from others mistakes is most definitely better than learning from your own. Onwards now to my undoubtably wonderful thoughts! If such things do exist...

There must have been a time when I was normal, when the noise didn't affect me or cause me to run for the safety of a darkened alleyway. The must have been a time where I had a name and a family who cared for me; a time where I wasn't always alone and didn't have to fight for my own survival. There must have been something else or I wouldn't recognize the absurdity of my own situation.

I often wonder of my family and why I am no longer with them. It really can't be helped since people are always curious of what they do not know. As a girl I faintly recall being submerged in the idea that I was once a princess who was adorned in jewels and beloved by everyone. I would have had both a pet elephant that would carry me around not allowing my feet to touch the ground for even a split second and a striped tiger that would lay at my feet when I went to sleep, guarding me from the evils of the night. I knew, as that little street girl dressed in rags, that I must have lived that life. How could I have been born into this poverty and desperation?

So, I lived as a runaway princess for many years, a princess who was forced to scrounge in garbage bins for food and cut the clothes off a dead man so I could be warmed, until I grew to realize that I couldn't be the lovely princess I thought I ought to be. To come to such a realization is painful and heartbreaking. It made me give up on myself and caused me to become worthless in my own eyes. Yet I couldn't have lived my entire life in the bubble I had created for myself and the whole process was simply something I had to go through.

At what age I went through this process, I do not know for I am unsure of my own birth year. However I do believe to be after the Naesean wars and before the first attempted murder of Kalajhan's fifty-second king, making me no younger than six according to the diviners.
Shortly after the first attempted murder of the king, I began to be extremely bothered by noise, and therefore people by default. Instead of spending my days playing with my fellow street children, I choose to hide in dark, secluded alleyways until darkness took over and the noise began to fade. My odd habits did undermine my pickpocketing and stealing, since there were few people to steal from and those that were out late were people that you quickly learned you should not steal from lest you wish to have your head forcefully removed from your body.
Nonetheless, I was able to get by at the expense of many decent people who awoke to find both food and silver missing. On several occasions I barely escaped being found as I crawled out of windows with my dirty pockets filled with day-old bread and clanging bracelets. Fortunately, my love of silence allowed me to blend into the dark shadows.

Maybe it is that same silence that let me remain faceless and nameless, even to myself, for all those years. I do not regret those years I spent out on the streets living in a prison I crafted myself. I do not regret a single moment in my short life, for regretting even the smallest of moments would allow the darkness that drove the king's fourth son to his murderous ways to enter my own heart. One commits to darkness and evil only to prove their perceived worthiness. However, that worthiness is only an illusion and darkness only vanquishes the true worth of the individual.

To end this letter, I offer only an obvious piece of advice. Allow your worth not to come from what you possess, whether it be material things or intelligence, but from the acts you preform while using all that you possess. Is someone good because of the pureness of their thoughts or the kindness of their actions?


May the sand fall slowly in your glass
Amaranth, the 17th Gryphon Keeper

I know what I'm doing...mostly

I honestly don't know what to write. I'm tired of writing about what's bothering me, because I always feel like have to defend myself. Every time my name gets called, for anything, I'm immediately on edge and prepared to fight back. My name has become my most hated word and I cringe even when writing it on tests.

I'm so stressed and I feel so lost. I can't talk to my parents anymore and they were my go-to people when I got stressed or didn't know what to do. I resent them a little bit right now, because I don't feel like I can talk to them. Everything that comes out of my mouth has to be defended or I'll get called out on it, even if it's obviously an emotional state or when I'm really confused. It's stressful to have to defend both sides all the time. I have to state how I'm feeling, how I know it's wrong, how I want to change it, how I don't know what to change it, but I still know you're opinion on it, etc. I just want to be on my side right now. I'm tired of having to play both sides of the field; it's draining.

My friends feel distant, my extended family will probably think the same way as my immediate family and I can't talk to my therapist for 2 weeks. I don't really find that I have any opportunity to talk to any of my teachers this semester because I'm not really close to any of them, and frankly, student services causes me so much stress than help. I really, really need someone to talk to and I don't who.

I'm not going to defend or back up anything in this post. I don't care if you think I'm irrational, it's how I feel right now. I'm having a really hard time attending classes again. It's being to show physical signs now. If I feel like I'm doing something I don't like or if I feel extreme guilt, I get the urge to vomit. My neck muscles haven't un-tensed for over a week, I get constant headaches and I'm over-eating. Every day I have to go to school I feel that way. Everyday I feel guilt over something like procrastinating, lying to my parents about my attendance or skipping class, I feel that way. On the weekends when I lie in bed, I'll have panic attacks about having to go to school or finishing homework that I've procrastinated on. I haven't slept for a full night without waking up, for over 3 weeks.

I can't apply for a job. I'll go to the stores and park outside, only to wander around the store or walk past it because I can't work up the nerve to hand in a resume. I almost need someone to go with me and sit in the car while I apply; they don't have to come in, I just need someone there so I vent when I get out of the store. I'm tired of my dad saying "Just go in and do", because I can't. This may be an unfair comparison, but it's like telling a smoker to quit cold-turkey. It relieves my stress in one way because I don't have to go through that one unpleasant situation, but it causes more stress because I'm constantly feeling extreme guilt over it.

The more I skip class or can't hand in a resume, the worse it gets. I can be fine, then I miss one day of class and suddenly I can't do it. Last week, I missed Thursday because bad roads and then I couldn't get myself to go on Tuesday because I was afraid that I'd missed too much math and would now be deemed stupid.

I know what I'm doing hurts me, that's why I'm so stressed. So much guilt and anxiety have built up, and now there's a constant battle between the two. Generally, guilt wins because I really hate disappointing people, but every now and then the anxiety crushes me. I want help. I want to know what to do, but I can't ask anyone. If I tried, I'd probably get the "just do it" advice which doesn't help at all. My parents are frustrated, it's easy to see. They're as tired of it as I am and it shows in how they choose to handle the situation now. I can understand that, but every time they point it out, every time there's an argument over it, it only makes me feel worse.

It only makes everything harder. It makes it harder to sleep, to relax or to do work because I'm trying to de-stress and can't. I've tried watching tv, reading a book, taking a bath, listening to music, writing, etc, but nothing's helped. I've tried meditation to relax both my muscles and my mind, but I can't focus. I sit in class and remind myself of how much of a loser I am: "Why the heck couldn't you have gone to school yesterday? Honestly, how stupid are you? Get your frickin' life together!", "You're too quiet, why can't you be normal? Everyone else in this class has friends, but you're too shy to go and talk to someone. Even if you did, you'd probably be so awkward that they'd spend the next week making fun of you", "Why can't you do any of your homework? It would only take like half-an-hour, but you're too busy wasting time on those stupid 'did you know' sites. Can you imagine what your marks would be like if you did your work? Maybe then you wouldn't always feel guilty about disappointing your teachers" and "At least you used to write novels; you had a project and could say you were productive. But now, all you have is short paragraphs of random stories or thoughts. Who would want to read those?".

I'm really aware of what's going on in my head. I know what's right and what's not. Don't tell me to 'just do it', I've tried. Don't explain to me the consequences, I know what they are. If I didn't would I being feeling as crappy as I am? Every moment in a day that I procrastinate my stress levels go up. Every day that I sit at home watching shows on my computer, I feel like I've wasted it. I don't have much to look forward for. Weekends are now just days where my parents are around more often, which means more chances to get lectured. Holidays are the same. What do I have that I care about? I don't know. I care about my thoughts, that's it.

I'm back to the point of hating myself for being worthless. I hate myself because I know that I'll never amount to something. If I can't hand in resumes or go to high school, how can I get a job or go to university. If I don't have any money, how will I even be able to live? I've mentioned this before and my parents can disagree all they want but I still fear it. I fear the day that my parents are done with me, where they say that I'm too much work and I need to move out. I don't know what I'd do or where I'd go. I can just imagine myself having to live on the street and out of soup kitchens, because I'm doubtful that I'd ever get better once that's happened. Even now, I'm doubtful that I'll ever get better. I don't think I have enough courage or bravery to get better. I don't have the drive, and that's going destroy me.

The Family Reject

I really hate that I'm writing this. Partially because I find the topic to be something from an over-emotional mind and partially because I feel stupid that I feel this way. Let's start off with this: although I often complain and rant about my parents and siblings, I love them like crazy. My parents are so supportive of me and they do their best to help me get the best life I could have. My siblings I love because of their many other traits that are often looked-over when I'm upset, and a little bit out of obligation on those days where I want to ring their necks. I know I'm loved in this family, however somedays I can't help but feel like the family reject. 

I think the biggest factor for these "emotional confessions" of mine is the compilation of many little irritants that are ignited by one or more small events that one would think to be inconsequential, but they wind up triggering either a rant or, in rarer cases, tears. The general event for today's rant/tears is "movie night". My dad and my visiting uncle, as well as my brother, decided to go see Safe House in the theatres. I usually love action movies, and my dad tends to (I blame this on him being unable to learn from past mistakes rather than something he does on purpose) over-look me, asking my brother instead. This time he did ask, but it just wasn't my kind of action movie so I passed. No big deal really, besides my mom and my aunt were planning on renting a movie, I could just watch with them. 

I should have known how it would turn out. It usually turns out this way every time my mom rents a movie. She and I have very different interests when it comes to movies. She likes drama and romance, the "chick-flicks" if you will, and the only time I watch romance is when it's piggy-backing on an action/comedy. Five minutes before we went to rent the movie, we had a conversation about my dislike of romance and drama. Ten minutes after, they rented a...chick flick. Yup, she has ears that don't hear. Of course, after I got up to go downstairs she makes a big deal about how I should have told her that I didn't want to watch that particular movie. Gee, thanks for making me feel like you care. 

And when I get downstairs, I start tearing up. I hate crying, it doesn't make me feel any better when I cry, in fact I feel worse because I wind up with a headache and a leaky faucet for a nose. I don't know why I want to cry, I just know the things that bother me. 

I feel like the outcast; the person who's always on the outside looking in. It seems that no one in my immediate family likes the things I do. It's hard for me to find some middle-ground or something in common with anyone. At least that's how I feel like at the moment, ask me again in a few days. I feel like what I enjoy isn't of any importance to anyone else, that they just don't care. 

My mom won't even watch 30 seconds of one of my favourite tv shows because it isn't her "kind of show". How the heck would you know? You haven't given it a chance. You have no bloody idea what it's about. I have a hard time finding someone to go to the theatre with me because they don't like the movies I do, in fact I've stopped asking them because it's the same thing. I'll go and watch the movies I don't have an interest in at all because I enjoy the company every now and again, and I believe that you need to allow people to watch what they want. 

That's one of the things that bugs me the most, especially when it comes to my siblings, and I'm sure they often have the same grievance with me. The fact that I feel like I constantly give, but that I never get any retribution. I often take my sister to Tims or Subway and pay with my own money, but it's extremely rare (like only once in the history of EVER) that she does the same for me. In fact, we've gotten into a few arguments about this. I'll often listen to them tell me about their day, but often when I try to tell them about my life they don't even bother to pretend to care. They never allow me to watch the movies I like with the rest of the family, I'll usually just watch them alone in my room on the laptop. They don't care that I've written two novels, my dad's the only one to have read even one. I spend over 1 year working on each one and I don't even get a good job smoothie or the opportunity to do something I want to do with the family. Granted, I didn't do something special when my dad finished his PhD, but if he wants, I'm game to do something he'd like to do. 

Somedays, today included, I feel as if I'm the one puzzle piece too many. I just don't mesh in with everyone else. Maybe it's my own fault. I enjoy being alone, so often they don't realize what I'd like because I tend to keep it more hidden. Not on purpose, it just goes along with that when you do things alone, people don't know what you do. Maybe I have, without knowing it, shaped myself into a puzzle piece from an entirely different puzzle. 

Thoughts: February Edition

It's been awhile since I've written down the thoughts from my green notebook, so there might be a lot. I actually really enjoy reading these after the fact because I think that there's some valid ideas...as well as a bunch of emotional rants. ;)

Irrational, illusionary fear. A fear that when thought about with a logical mind proves the individual an idiot. A fear that in the moment reduces me to a state of desperate escape. 


To release your mind to the world and say all that you want to say is the most freeing experience I ever was a part of. To let go of all concerns involving the fear of judgement in a maker that doesn't directly harm another person is to understand and learn about yourself. To constantly hide yourself from view and pretend to be someone else is to deceive yourself and lose your connection to your true thoughts and problems. By allowing yourself ftp opening show your flaws you prove yourself to be an individual and a human being. The flaws that we spend our lives hiding are badges of our own humanity. How dare we even try to cover them up. As long as our flaws do not harm others, then they should be exposed in, at the very least, a selective environment. Our flaws are also our strengths; my paranoias and the extreme way I experience them is a testament to my creative and imaginative abilities. If we hide our flaws, do we not also hide our strengths?


The goal of all things is to be perfect. Chemical solutions search for a state of equilibrium, the earth desperately tries to strike a balance between all elements, and humans cover up their flaws and are constantly searching of the fountain of youth. Perfection isn't a bad thing to aim for, but it must be kept perspective. Perfection is not possible for a human to obtain. We are too flawed. To be the best we can possibly be is what we should aim for, but we also must be aware of our limits and accept them rather than deny them.


I most certainly do not believe that people are inherently good, nor do I believe that they are inherently bad either nor are we entirely a blank slate. Genetics play a role in shaping an individual as does experience, but the general rule is that it is far easier to get what you want with bad intentions. Therefore, people will always have a tendency to take the bad path because it is the easiest. 


Can someone just "be"? Or must there be a purpose to life? Do we need to be productive to be deemed worthy? Does everything we do have purpose in some form? By thinking and reflecting, we still are productive because we create ideas, by exercising we fortify our bodies and by reading we strengthen our minds. Is there anything that can be considered just "being"?


I believe that everyone fears criticism; it's natural, no one likes to have their ideas belittled. However, criticism is what lies bad ideas and beliefs to rest, with some exceptions, and without it people become engulfed in a world created by their own minds. 


To what extent are my views governed by fantasied notions of honour and tradition. I have the desire to pass on something of myself to be remembered by, yet I wonder if it's a pointless endeavour. Does it matter whether I am forgotten years after I'm gone? Would I feel sad, angry or nothing at all? What good could I do after I've disappeared and what would leaving behind a trinket or piece of writing do?


I worry that I over-analyze and refuse to see the emotional side of things at times. It's almost laughable considering the mess of emotions I'm always jumping in and out of, although that could be the reason why I choose to analyze without them present. I find myself to be very conflicted between emotions and "rationalized" views. How can I find the balance?


I don't like conflict. I find it to be mostly pointless and more like the idea of brinkmanship than anything else. It doesn't resolve anything and only leads to stress as well as a high, unnecessary tension between people. The only solid way to resolve issues without too much backlash is by using forms of compromise. 

Chickening Out

Right now, I'm incredibly disappointed in myself...and I'm nervous about what I plan to write in this post. I hate what I do to myself. I hate that I like to ruin things for myself. I've talked about my agoraphobia in some previous posts and the fact that I have a really hard time forcing myself to go to school. As soon as I get one little excuse, I continue to use it. It's incredibly hard for me to make myself go to school and I don't know why. Yes, the agoraphobia does play a role, but I want to know why I chicken out so much.

Today's Truth: I went to school to go to math class, but I'd forgotten that we had an assignment due. I didn't want anyone to know, so I rationalized in my head that I was sick and needed to go home. Ten minutes into class and I left. I have not been feeling well for the last week. I've had a terrible cold that doesn't let me get much sleep (I sleep about 4 hours max. I usually wake up at 2am and just lie there until it's time to get up) and I feel very bloated. I constantly feel full, even when I haven't eaten anything, and when I do it, I feel like I've gorged myself and need to throw up. I still try to get, but all I can manage for a meal is a few crackers and a small drink. So, I haven't been sleeping and I haven't been eating, which has given me huge headaches and I have a hard time paying attention in class. So, yes, I have been sick although I probably could have toughed it out enough to go to class. 

Why is it so hard for me to push myself to do things? Why do I default to avoidance stragegies when something goes wrong, no matter how little? I'm ashamed of myself and at times I hate not myself, but the things I do. Why the hell did I just leave class? Why am I willing to screw up my grades and my future? Is there I future for me or am I so flawed that I'll never be able to have a real life? I want to know why I do this. I need to figure out how to stop myself from chickening out. Why I am so weak in self-control?

I've been trying to be as honest as possible when it comes to these blog posts and I've failed in some regards and succeded in others. There is a chance that my rationalizing has made me lie to you and I can't bring myself to admit it because I don't want people to hate me as much as I hate myself sometimes. 

I'm wondering if the fear of judgement or disappointment causes me to avoid things. The fear that if I go to class and I don't have my homework done, that my teacher will think I'm a loser or that I've some how let them down and now I need to face a form of humilation in order to make it better. The fear that if I let my parents know I've chickened out again, they'll reject me and yell at me, although they've done neither. I'm afraid of disappointing others, yet I continue to repeat the same actions over and over which leads me to disappoint them. 

I can sit in the car and yell at myself for everyone else. I did it on the way back from school today. I sat there and yelled, "Why can't you just go to class? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you really that stupid? You're screwing up your life. You're never going to be anything unless you man-up and work for it. You're nothing until you can provide for yourself. You're nothing because you won't ever be able to fend for yourself. You can't even get a frickin' job!" Over and over, I let myself know. It's much easier to hear it from myself that to have someone else tell me the same things in a nicer way. It's much harder to face my parents and have them tell me that I need to try to go to school than telling myself that I'm worthless because when I let someone else down it kills me, but when I only let myself down then it's more like "we already know you can't do it, why should you pretend to be worth something?". It's a horrible concept. They still have hope for me, I apparently have very little for myself. 

I feel like the worst child ever. They want the best for me, they want me to be able to do whatever I want to with my life; that's why they're disappointed every time I fail to follow through. My fear is that 10 years from now, I still won't have a job. I'll still be mooching off my parents because I suck at pushing myself to do something. I won't have a life. That's what I fear. I've contemplated a lot of things and in the back of my mind, there's the thought of running away or living on the streets because I don't want to be a burden. When's my breaking point? When will I hit rock bottom and finally figure out that I need to work hard to get out? 

I'm writing this post with full knowledge that I will be lectured by my parents. I'm writing this in all truthfulness, knowing that I a lot of what I wrote is dramatics, but it's how I feel. I'm writing this so that I don't have to kept this all inside, because even if no one reads this I can pretend that someone did and they understand. 

NOTE TO PARENTS: I'm so, so sorry! I'll be spending my day cleaning and cooking, and mentally reminding myself that I shouldn't chicken out. 

The Problem with Family Living

Recently, I've been wanting more and more space, to the point where I'm actually wanting to move out and live on my own. First off, to my great annoyance, I know my parents are going to say that I need a job. Understood. To some degree I want a job and I plan on finding one. Save that lecture for Saturday.

The constant questioning of the things that I'd like to do with my life bothers me a lot and makes me feel almost like a loser. Every time I mention something I'd like to do in my future, I feel like I always have to brace myself to defend my own personality and wants. My dad has this terrible habit of saying that the things I'd like don't fit my personality. It bothers me so much that he "knows" more about me than me. "Knows" because I'm not entirely sure he really does. I don't like telling my parents about my dreams, because I feel like they'll rip them apart in seconds. That's one of the things I'd like to move away from.

I'd like to learn how to cook, but I hate it when my sister walks into the room and starts pretending to gag because she doesn't like it. I don't make her eat it, in fact I've started only cooking for myself because my siblings are picky eaters. Nonetheless, it still bothers me that I have to listen to my sister whine about whatever I choose to make for myself.

I'd like the ability to choose things without having to compromise for others. I'd like to be able to buy foods that are organic or healthy without my dad going all "this is stupid" on me. I'd like to be able to fail without having people re-affirm that failure as soon as they notice it. Living alone intrigues me, yet I understand how it can be difficult. There are somethings I'd like to try just to see if it works for me or not. My dad constantly questions my ability to be alone. He doesn't believe that I could live alone because I need the family communication. True, I do need family communication, but I'm not planning on moving to the other side of the world. I'd still still like to live in the same area and the ability to visit my family when I feel like it, but I think I'd like the freedom of living alone.

Now, we wait until my dad sends an email detailing why my thinking is flawed. I don't mind his emails, but for once a positive "maybe that would be something that would work for you" would be helpful.

Guilt

It's seems as if my life has been ruled by guilt lately. Almost every action I do either causes guilt or redeems me from my guilt. Going to school redeems me from the guilt of becoming nothing or throwing my life away, and to avoid the guilt I'd feel if I skipped it. Hiding the guilt has become a daily part of my life, though one can argue that guilt always remains and is one of the things that influences what we do to a good extend, but I'll try not to enter an argument about it. Either way, I'm tired of hiding it. I'm tired of being so confined in my own mind, and over-analysis of things. I enjoy my mind, but every little thing gets magnified and drives me into a tear-filled corner. 

I screwed up today and I feel a lot of guilt for what happened, yet at the same time I don't think it was my fault. My sister and I were supposed to have a hair appointment today, but she didn't remember that it was today (I wasn't given much information on the day and time of the appointment, over 2 weeks ago I was told that it was on the 19, but it didn't stick. I'll admit to that). So, her alarm went off an hour before. However, it was in downtown in an area that I was unfamiliar which made nervous because I wouldn't have enough time to figure out where it is. I get extremely upset when I get lost, especially when there's a set time I need to get somewhere. Not to mention the fact that I still needed to get dressed, wasn't feeling well at all and the car needed to be refilled!

I didn't realize that by cancelling the appointment it would cost my mom any money. I thought that it would be no big deal, that I was doing myself a favor by not going. I thought it would save myself undue stress and we could just rebook a later appointment. I seriously thought I was doing something right and that's what bothers me more than anything because I have even more stress right now. My mother is stressed out because I cost her money and, I'm guessing, she had a bad day. Meanwhile, I'm already emotionally (and physically) unstable and now I'm crying because I am a horrible person who just ruin the lives of everyone on the planet. That was an exaggeration (or over-exaggeration. Yes, Dad, that was meant for you) of how I'm feeling, but it still feels terrible. 

Well, I'm done for now. I just wanted to rant and try to figure out what just happened. Thanks for your consideration of my twisted thoughts and feelings.

Chores and Nagging

I'm going to attempt to write this post without saying that all parents suck and teenagers should be able to do anything they want. We'll see if I'll be successful or not, but that's my goal.

I've discovered that I get a lot more satisfaction out of things that I complete when I want to and without the help of parents informing me that something needs to be cleaned up. Granted, I am horrible at cleaning and occasionally I due deserve a kick in the pants, but I feel a lot happier if I come up with the idea to clean up by myself and accomplish it without the nagging support that most parents are eager to give.

I am a basement dweller. It's not that I particularly like to be underground, it's just the area with less traffic and people that might want me to do something or like to lecture me on how I am screwing up my life. Lectures, if repeated more than 10 times, are very ineffective and most of the time I'll tune out and pretend that every time we go out of the house as a family I do not get lectured. In fact, lectures will automatically make me aggressive and prone to having freak outs or arguments. Just as vacuum cleaners, alarm clocks, paper shredders and my mother yelling at me to clean up do. Those are the moments when I grit my teeth, try my best to hold my tongue and not say something that would cause things to escalate, and pop some earbuds in my ears to drown out annoyances.

Positive comments are more effective than negative (Hint: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar). So rather than force me to do something, attempt to give me more free reign while still suggesting a complete a task. For example, "Clean up now!" will cause me to get angry, but giving me a set 'due date' like "I'd like this cleaned up before supper" will make it easier for me to handle. Telling me anything in command form,  "You need to go back to school tomorrow" or "You need to get a job", is frustrating to me, but making small goals like "Try to be at school for at least 3 days next week" or "By the end of the week, you should have handed in at least two resumes" are less stressful for me and I'm more likely to do them.

I understand how I can be very frustrating. I understand how it can be hard not to order someone around when you need a task done. I'm aware of the fact that if I was in my parents situation, I probably would order my child around too. It's hard to break the mindset of ordering someone and transitioning to making small goals. I'm having a hard time doing this myself. I'm trying not to have bad self-talk, but to encourage myself and it's incredibly hard.

Nagging causes me more stress than you could imagine. It is one thing to bring up a particular topic, like "this room needs to be cleaned up" or "a job would allow you to have some extra spending cash", but when that topic is continually forced upon me I grow frustrated and angry. It makes me less likely to do it, because I want that satisfaction I get from accomplishing it when I want. Ask me once, set a goal and let me take care of it. If I don't, then you have full reign to stress me out and take away any of the privileges you deem to be fair punishment.

Today, the basement (where I dwell) was a mess because of me. When I was up this morning, I noticed that and made a mental note to clean up. All is well. Then my dearest father comes down and tells me to clean it up. The stress level rises. I get more frustrated because I already had the idea to clean it up and now he's ordering me to do it, robbing the satisfaction of being able to say "I did it all by myself without anyone asking me to". He didn't know that I already had the thought, so really I can't blame him for that. However, then he comes down every hour and tells me to clean it up. More importantly, he interrupts my de-stressing time (usually when I'm in my room listening to music) to tell me. Stress level grows even higher. In my mind, I'm refusing to clean up right after he asks me to because he's robbed that good feeling of doing something by myself again. I want to do it when I want to. Then he finally snaps and orders me to do it right away. The stress level has hit critical levels and my main job is trying not to start an argument that would probably result with me getting even angrier.

I finished said task when he ordered me to that time, to avoid another lecture. I was not happy and I do not feel like I've accomplished anything. In fact, I feel as if I've just cleaned up and he'll come down stairs to point out something I missed. That will be the level where my head will pop off and I will inwardly kill myself. (Note: here he comes, tell him to go away!!!!!) (Now he's ordering me to go on a drive with him, and to stop blogging until later. Go away!)  (He's gone)

So, in conclusion I'm a little bit psycho. I have issues with people ordering me around and my dad likes to both lecture and order me around. Somedays I can take it better, today I am in a crappy mood. Now, I will stop blogging and go on a drive with him (Code word for: "Let's talk and grab some coffee"), just to see what he has to say and maybe get a snack out of it.

Why Blog?

Awhile ago I wrote a couple of blog posts on religion and admitting my uncertainty was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. A lot of my friends and family are very religious and I was afraid that they would reject me because of my different views. I ended up mentioning this to someone and they asked why  I would post something like that if I was so worried.

I don't even know my exact reasons for posting it, but I'm glad I did. I think that it was my way of trying to get people to understand or trying something risky. Like I said, no matter my reasons at the time I'm so glad I did it. Becoming an open book and revealing almost every thought is such a freeing experience. I don't think I could ever convey the amount of peace and pride in myself I feel by writing my thoughts down.

I just wanted to address that because I had never thought about why I had done it. On to what's really bothering me. I'm getting worse. I chicken out continually. I can't even make myself go to the store at certain hours because I think, in this twisted mind of mine, that it's socially wrong to go shopping at hours before or later than 12pm-7pm. I feel ashamed. I feel like I'm a disappointment, like I've somehow failed life and that there's no hope for me.

I spoke with my therapist today and she asked what I plan about doing for the next school semester (how I'll face going to school). I don't know. I don't have a plan. In fact, in all honesty, I'm at the level of giving up. I just want to drop out of school, but what will happen when I do? What's going to change and what will happen with my life? Will I give up completely on everything? Will I become more of a burden than I am already? Help me, please. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to face this or how to get better. I need help but I don't know where to get it.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why am I so stupid? I ask myself these questions constantly and I realize what I'm doing to myself. I realize that I shouldn't hit myself when I do something "embarrassing" or "wrong", but all the same, hitting myself makes the feelings of shame and guilt go away. I'm not stupid in the fact that I don't realize what is wrong or right, I'm stupid because I continually listen to the irrational side of my brain and choose to run away from everything.

I realize that I'm harming myself being not going to school, avoiding certain areas and refusing to get a job. I know that I'm somewhat irrational. I don't think people realize how aware you are of your own problems. There's this constant awareness of everything that's going on and what influences my reactions. It's really interesting to know that, but I'd rather not have this much first-hand experience.

On another note, I'm even more nervous for my doctor's appointment. I'm very cautious about what doctors say to me now. I'm fearful that I'm going to go to this appointment and she'll think that I only have minor problems that she can't do anything about. I'm worried that they're missing something and I'll suddenly become extremely ill all over again. I feel like they've all just stopped listening and just assume what's wrong with me. I'm tired of all this crap; I'm tried of having no follow up and moving from one doctor to another.

That's all I can rant about for today, lest I break into tears. Hopefully, I'll get better. Hopefully, I'll figure out a way to go back to school again. Hopefully, I'll stop disappointing my mother. I'm tired of her looking at me like I've failed her and that I'm just a big pain. I want my parents to be proud of me so badly and I don't want to be a burden to them. I don't want them thinking I'm worthless and that's how I feel right now.

Wish me luck!