Feeling a Bit Better

I think I'm making it up or exaggerating it. It's weird because I go through periods where I'm completely calm and wonder why it was ever an issue, but a few hours later will burst into tears. And when I'm calm again, it's like it never happened.

It feels like I'm just pretending; maybe I am. I stayed home from work, yet I feel like I should be there. There's no real guilt for missing it, which was a little surprising. It helps me to conclude that I'm not heading into another avoidance pattern, at least not yet.

It's nice, though. Staying home where everything's quiet and not having any guilt. I feel like I'm being nice to myself, as if I'm treating whatever's going on as if it's an actual illness. It feels good. For once, I'm not really pressuring myself to get something done or enjoy the time off while I have it. I really like the feeling.

Obviously, I'm calm right now. My head still feels sore and over-filled, and I still have a lot of confusion. I think one of the reasons I'm having such a hard time figuring out why I have a freak out is that once it's over, my mind erases the details. I freaked out last night before bed, started crying and such, but I don't know why. I don't remember what lead up to it, just what happened afterwards.

In good news, my mom was really great at helping me out last night. She spent the evening trying to distract me and let me know that I could wake her up and she'd spend the night talking with me too. It was nice to know I had that option, even if I didn't need it. I'm often worried about inconveniencing people, so I usually won't wake them up I'll just wait until they're up. I know my parents said that I was always able to wake them up for anything, but I still don't like to.

I feel very weird. I'm calmer than I've been for quite awhile, peaceful even, but I don't think it's going to last. At least it's nice to post something less negative for once

A Little Bit on the Crazy-Side

So, I had a pretty bad freak out this weekend. I went relatively crazy for a few minutes, worry about nearly everything. Unfortunately, that freak out ended up completely destroying my ability to analyze myself and my emotions. Which means I'm having a very hard time describing what's going on in my head. 

I feel drained, tired, overwhelmed and spent the last 8 hours with a headache that ranked in the top ten worst I've ever had. I'm not sure if I'm exaggerating or playing-down how I'm feeling. I went to work today; it felt too normal. I've had random episodes of crying and feeling desperate. Desperate for what, I don't know. I feel too calm half the time and too emotional the other half. 

I feel more pushed to the side than I ever had with any other anxiety problem I've had. My mom's doing her best, but I don't think she understands how chaotic my mind is right now. She doesn't really seem like she's paying much attention, just kinda brushes it off, which I guess is partly my fault since I've only describe it in a very calm and meh manner. My dad's away on a trip and I know I can email him, but don't know what to say. 

I feel crazy. I don't think I've ever felt crazy before. I've felt afraid, mad, hated myself, etc. I felt somewhat sane then, at least the semi-logical part of my brain was functioning. I knew logically what was happening, even if my emotions didn't want to give me up. I don't know what's happening this time. I don't know how I'm feeling, I don't know why and I don't know how to convey it to people to find help. I'm trying my best here, but I don't know if I'm making it up because I think I should feel a certain way. 

I'm going to take the day off from work tomorrow, and maybe the next day. Surprisingly, it's not out of avoidance. It's not because I'm afraid of going or I'm lazy or anything like that. I'm not even sure if I should, or even want to, take the day off. When I'm home, I just want to do nothing. Just lay in bed the whole day. Why do I want to take the day off? Maybe I'm hoping that a day of nothing will recalibrate my brain, I don't know...

I went to the doctor today and they put me on something for anxiety; they said it would take about 2 weeks to see results. I hope it works, but I wonder if I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe I'm exaggerating how bad that one moment of craziness was because I'm bored or want attention. Maybe I want to spent my life suffering and moping about. Woe is me! Poor girl! What's wrong with me?

Am I exaggerating this? Did I write this for attention or for clarification? Do I want to sound crazy? I don't know. I'm so confused about everything. 

How I Deal with Stress

I'm going to let you in on a little secret, that isn't actually a secret to anyone I know. When I feel overwhelmed, I shut down. I go from confusion to tears in seconds. The trigger that generally causes this the most is something related to registering for school. For example, such a reaction was elicited when I attempted to sign up for a high school chemistry course only to discover that my parents kept none of my report cards (or if they did, they've now falling into the pit of 'never going to freakin' find it') and which contained information vital to my completion of the objective. Instant frustration tears!

But what freaks me out more than just signing up for a damn chemistry course, is whether or not I'll be able to complete it and what comes after completing it. Here's the thing, my self-control when trying to get shit down is nearly non-existent. It's pathetic. I was super proud of myself when I managed to stick to my coursera courses for over 3 weeks, but all it took was one weekend without any internet and the habit was broken. I reverted back to little miss lazy-butt and after a few half-assed attempts, have given up. At this point I'm too far behind and rather than take it as a challenge, I give up.

That's my nature. If things don't work out, give up. Avoid it, hide or runaway. Just like with work, things are stressing me out but I'm too afraid of having to start another job and all the awkwardness that follows. If I had anything close to courage, I would just pack up, move, and start all over again. However, I still live with my parents and have no idea how to be a fucking adult. I just mooch off of them like the jerky daughter I am.

University is the most terrifying idea I've ever come across. I have no idea what I'm doing, I feel like a complete idiot and I have no one to help me try to figure it out. Besides, even if I did manage to register, the little chicken shit that I am would wuss out and avoid all her classes. Because she's scared of looking like an idiot.

I feel absolutely pathetic. My life will stay at a standstill as my younger cousins and siblings go to university and make something of themselves. Everything I want to get out of life, I have no idea where to start. I don't want to go to university, I'm too scared and it's what I'm expected to do, even though I'm not convinced I want to. After all, how the hell will I get a good paying job unless I go?

Every time I start pushing myself forward, I feel like I fall back into the hole I just dug myself out of. When things start making sense and I think I've grown-up, I like to revert back to confusion and inner turmoil. I'm frustrated, myself and I are not even close to being friends anymore, and I'm about ready to crawl into a corner of my bedroom and never come out.