University Doubts

I constantly go through cycles of feeling confident and of dissatisfaction with aspects of my life. My lows have thankfully been brought to a relatively stable level that doesn't completely throw me off balance, which means I don't feel as desperate for radical change and can work through them rather than have them run me over. 

My confidence in myself has drastically increased in the last month and with the aid of medication I don't feel as anxious all the time. I don't feel as if my agoraphobia is a problem, I'd even so much as say that it has disappeared and most of the anxiety I do feel is normal.

Because of this, I feel like I can say that my hesitance to go to university is not currently caused by social anxiety, although I don't doubt that as the time grows closer I will definitely be feeling it. Perhaps it's a subconscious anticipation of anxiety that causes my doubts, but  I really don't know. Like most of my posts, I'll be using this one to work through my thoughts, so don't expect me to have a good answer or even a decent argument. 

I've been doubting going to university before I applied, blaming my doubt on social fears and worries regarding trying to find the right classroom or feeling awkward, but now that I find myself at a stable and manageable level, I still have doubts that it's the right decision. I find that I'm now pinning them on my absolute hatred of high school (although some of the classes were ok) and am not looking for a repeat experience. 

I love learning, especially listening to a lecture, and love to think and write about it, but my inner hippie detests homework and tests because I think intelligence and understanding goes far beyond the two. I don't like being graded, somewhat because I'm a procrastinator and will find great stress in doing homework, and because the percentage I get does not at all reflect my understanding. Essays, which I prefer to a certain degree, are very subjective to the teachers personality. There are of course exceptions, but think of reading an online article and scrolling down to see the comments. There are inevitably some asshole ones, but even the intelligent reviews of it will have widely deferring opinions. 

A teacher disagreeing with certain word choices or a writers style (usually I get blasted for having too much personality) or even having a different opinion than the writer, might score it far lower than another equally qualified individual who thinks it portrays the idea well. To a degree, knowledge is very debatable. Even in science, you get multiple theories and have different individuals vying for each one. Knowledge is constantly changing and is rarely solid, there are many people in the same field with very different ideas and having my intelligence graded by just a single one irritates me.

I think it's just another one of my "why is society the way it is" problems. I don't know how to fix it, I just know I don't like it. 

Confession time; although getting a low level job was supposed to teach me that I need an education, I don't feel that way. I think I'd rather have a less stressful job that may pay less and use my knowledge in my writing than to have a job with more money. The only exception being if I find something I truly have passion in and enjoy working at. Although I find that I already have a passion for writing and expressing my opinions, even though I may not have a large audience. 

I do love to learn and I would gladly go sit and listen to lectures all day, then write about it or debate with people. I'd read nearly any book on any subject and maybe even look up workshops to help me with the more hands on stuff. It's not the learning about things that is a problem, it's being graded on it that causes me stress.