I swear, some days I think I'm crazy. I have a hard time trying to wrap my head around whether or not a thought is influenced by just some wacky emotions or if it's something worth considering. My fear whenever I write these thoughts or ideas down is the reaction my father will have. I'm not entirely convinced in his ability to analyze me because I disagree or grow frustrated whenever he tries. He makes me out to be someone who's every action is done in order to gain attention. Granted, I do try to gain attention sometimes, but I consider that to be normal for everyone. Maybe by analyzing me, he's trying to gain attention for himself or trying to seem smarter than those around him, however because I cannot read his mind I wouldn't know... yes Dad that was a hint! ;)
Anyway, my parents just came back from a trip and I'm sad to say that my anxiety has just shot up a few levels. I was almost excited, and a little bit sad because I'd just lost some of my freedom, when I went to pick them up, but five minutes in the car and I was ready to drive them right back to the airport. One of the things that bothers me is that they did nothing wrong, I'm just irritable and am nit-picking everything. My mother, especially, tends to tick me off. I'm still a little upset about the last few fights we've gotten into and because it was never resolved, my frustrations have been building.
This is where my dad will really put on his analysis hat and begin to judge. Still love you Dad! :) Anyway, for some reason, I have the desire to runaway. Just to become homeless and forget about money. Well, at least use very minimal money. I know it sounds crazy, I know it's really hard to think of me being about to do it, but I just want to disappear. I've had this thought for awhile now, but it's gotten to the point where I'm being to plan out how I'm going to do it. I'd need to get a job in order to have some money to buy the things I need to get started, like a few gift cards and money for a bus, I've already made a mental list of the things I'd need to bring with me and have researched homeless shelters across Canada and how to backpack, etc.
My greatest fear, other than going into this blind and coming out feeling like a complete idiot after proving that I am unable to cope with a life like that, would be how my family feels after I leave. I don't want them to be constantly worried about me, or start blaming themselves or anything like that. I don't want them to guilty or upset because of me. As much as I want to just completely disappear and not have anyone know where I am, I realize that doing that would hurt my family and I would need to make an attempt to call them or email them every now and then.
For those who are questioning my sanity and ability to think of the future or consequences, I just want to make clear that I think that experimenting or thinking about alternative options is ok. I want to be able to try things out and I don't expect myself to spend more than a few months in that kind of lifestyle. In fact, I'd like to just try it out for a month, just to see how I'd be able to function. I'm curious to see how my shyness and anxiety would play out in that kind of situation, even though I'm terrified that I'll fail miserably.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I know it sounds a bit crazy and the majority of you are thinking that I couldn't ever be able to this, but I just need to get it out there.
