Hey! I'm in a pretty good right now after two hours of some serious pampering and meditation, so I thought I'd share one of my newer stories with you. My writing has seriously changed since last year and I'm loving, so hopefully you will too! :)
3rd Day of the Rainy Season
6th Year of Reign of Amaranth,
The 17th Gryphon Keeper
To Whom It May Concern,
To think of the passage of time as if it's solely linear and as unstoppable as a stampeding elephant would cause me to laugh. For it is as far from such as I am from ever obtaining a stable level of sanity. Sanity happens to be a great enemy of mine for it only produces what has already been invented. Insanity is the realm of the greats, a place where thoughts are created and inventions made. For no one but one who is insane could ever dream of accomplishing what those who are sane deem as impossible.
These letters that I am writing to you, my unknown friend, might very well be the very spawn of my insanity. For some reason, the desire to write letters that detail my life and thoughts spring upon me while, in all places, I was trying to remove the gryphon that clawed at my hair with a vigor that only someone who has never lost the hope of having a great and glorious life.
So, read my letters if you suddenly have the odd desire to do so (I certainly hope that you don't discover said desire whist having a tiny devil rip out your hair) and learn how not to become a great gryphon keeper, for learning from others mistakes is most definitely better than learning from your own. Onwards now to my undoubtably wonderful thoughts! If such things do exist...
There must have been a time when I was normal, when the noise didn't affect me or cause me to run for the safety of a darkened alleyway. The must have been a time where I had a name and a family who cared for me; a time where I wasn't always alone and didn't have to fight for my own survival. There must have been something else or I wouldn't recognize the absurdity of my own situation.
I often wonder of my family and why I am no longer with them. It really can't be helped since people are always curious of what they do not know. As a girl I faintly recall being submerged in the idea that I was once a princess who was adorned in jewels and beloved by everyone. I would have had both a pet elephant that would carry me around not allowing my feet to touch the ground for even a split second and a striped tiger that would lay at my feet when I went to sleep, guarding me from the evils of the night. I knew, as that little street girl dressed in rags, that I must have lived that life. How could I have been born into this poverty and desperation?
So, I lived as a runaway princess for many years, a princess who was forced to scrounge in garbage bins for food and cut the clothes off a dead man so I could be warmed, until I grew to realize that I couldn't be the lovely princess I thought I ought to be. To come to such a realization is painful and heartbreaking. It made me give up on myself and caused me to become worthless in my own eyes. Yet I couldn't have lived my entire life in the bubble I had created for myself and the whole process was simply something I had to go through.
At what age I went through this process, I do not know for I am unsure of my own birth year. However I do believe to be after the Naesean wars and before the first attempted murder of Kalajhan's fifty-second king, making me no younger than six according to the diviners.
Shortly after the first attempted murder of the king, I began to be extremely bothered by noise, and therefore people by default. Instead of spending my days playing with my fellow street children, I choose to hide in dark, secluded alleyways until darkness took over and the noise began to fade. My odd habits did undermine my pickpocketing and stealing, since there were few people to steal from and those that were out late were people that you quickly learned you should not steal from lest you wish to have your head forcefully removed from your body.
Nonetheless, I was able to get by at the expense of many decent people who awoke to find both food and silver missing. On several occasions I barely escaped being found as I crawled out of windows with my dirty pockets filled with day-old bread and clanging bracelets. Fortunately, my love of silence allowed me to blend into the dark shadows.
Maybe it is that same silence that let me remain faceless and nameless, even to myself, for all those years. I do not regret those years I spent out on the streets living in a prison I crafted myself. I do not regret a single moment in my short life, for regretting even the smallest of moments would allow the darkness that drove the king's fourth son to his murderous ways to enter my own heart. One commits to darkness and evil only to prove their perceived worthiness. However, that worthiness is only an illusion and darkness only vanquishes the true worth of the individual.
To end this letter, I offer only an obvious piece of advice. Allow your worth not to come from what you possess, whether it be material things or intelligence, but from the acts you preform while using all that you possess. Is someone good because of the pureness of their thoughts or the kindness of their actions?
May the sand fall slowly in your glass
Amaranth, the 17th Gryphon Keeper
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
I know what I'm doing...mostly
I honestly don't know what to write. I'm tired of writing about what's bothering me, because I always feel like have to defend myself. Every time my name gets called, for anything, I'm immediately on edge and prepared to fight back. My name has become my most hated word and I cringe even when writing it on tests.
I'm so stressed and I feel so lost. I can't talk to my parents anymore and they were my go-to people when I got stressed or didn't know what to do. I resent them a little bit right now, because I don't feel like I can talk to them. Everything that comes out of my mouth has to be defended or I'll get called out on it, even if it's obviously an emotional state or when I'm really confused. It's stressful to have to defend both sides all the time. I have to state how I'm feeling, how I know it's wrong, how I want to change it, how I don't know what to change it, but I still know you're opinion on it, etc. I just want to be on my side right now. I'm tired of having to play both sides of the field; it's draining.
My friends feel distant, my extended family will probably think the same way as my immediate family and I can't talk to my therapist for 2 weeks. I don't really find that I have any opportunity to talk to any of my teachers this semester because I'm not really close to any of them, and frankly, student services causes me so much stress than help. I really, really need someone to talk to and I don't who.
I'm not going to defend or back up anything in this post. I don't care if you think I'm irrational, it's how I feel right now. I'm having a really hard time attending classes again. It's being to show physical signs now. If I feel like I'm doing something I don't like or if I feel extreme guilt, I get the urge to vomit. My neck muscles haven't un-tensed for over a week, I get constant headaches and I'm over-eating. Every day I have to go to school I feel that way. Everyday I feel guilt over something like procrastinating, lying to my parents about my attendance or skipping class, I feel that way. On the weekends when I lie in bed, I'll have panic attacks about having to go to school or finishing homework that I've procrastinated on. I haven't slept for a full night without waking up, for over 3 weeks.
I can't apply for a job. I'll go to the stores and park outside, only to wander around the store or walk past it because I can't work up the nerve to hand in a resume. I almost need someone to go with me and sit in the car while I apply; they don't have to come in, I just need someone there so I vent when I get out of the store. I'm tired of my dad saying "Just go in and do", because I can't. This may be an unfair comparison, but it's like telling a smoker to quit cold-turkey. It relieves my stress in one way because I don't have to go through that one unpleasant situation, but it causes more stress because I'm constantly feeling extreme guilt over it.
The more I skip class or can't hand in a resume, the worse it gets. I can be fine, then I miss one day of class and suddenly I can't do it. Last week, I missed Thursday because bad roads and then I couldn't get myself to go on Tuesday because I was afraid that I'd missed too much math and would now be deemed stupid.
I know what I'm doing hurts me, that's why I'm so stressed. So much guilt and anxiety have built up, and now there's a constant battle between the two. Generally, guilt wins because I really hate disappointing people, but every now and then the anxiety crushes me. I want help. I want to know what to do, but I can't ask anyone. If I tried, I'd probably get the "just do it" advice which doesn't help at all. My parents are frustrated, it's easy to see. They're as tired of it as I am and it shows in how they choose to handle the situation now. I can understand that, but every time they point it out, every time there's an argument over it, it only makes me feel worse.
It only makes everything harder. It makes it harder to sleep, to relax or to do work because I'm trying to de-stress and can't. I've tried watching tv, reading a book, taking a bath, listening to music, writing, etc, but nothing's helped. I've tried meditation to relax both my muscles and my mind, but I can't focus. I sit in class and remind myself of how much of a loser I am: "Why the heck couldn't you have gone to school yesterday? Honestly, how stupid are you? Get your frickin' life together!", "You're too quiet, why can't you be normal? Everyone else in this class has friends, but you're too shy to go and talk to someone. Even if you did, you'd probably be so awkward that they'd spend the next week making fun of you", "Why can't you do any of your homework? It would only take like half-an-hour, but you're too busy wasting time on those stupid 'did you know' sites. Can you imagine what your marks would be like if you did your work? Maybe then you wouldn't always feel guilty about disappointing your teachers" and "At least you used to write novels; you had a project and could say you were productive. But now, all you have is short paragraphs of random stories or thoughts. Who would want to read those?".
I'm really aware of what's going on in my head. I know what's right and what's not. Don't tell me to 'just do it', I've tried. Don't explain to me the consequences, I know what they are. If I didn't would I being feeling as crappy as I am? Every moment in a day that I procrastinate my stress levels go up. Every day that I sit at home watching shows on my computer, I feel like I've wasted it. I don't have much to look forward for. Weekends are now just days where my parents are around more often, which means more chances to get lectured. Holidays are the same. What do I have that I care about? I don't know. I care about my thoughts, that's it.
I'm back to the point of hating myself for being worthless. I hate myself because I know that I'll never amount to something. If I can't hand in resumes or go to high school, how can I get a job or go to university. If I don't have any money, how will I even be able to live? I've mentioned this before and my parents can disagree all they want but I still fear it. I fear the day that my parents are done with me, where they say that I'm too much work and I need to move out. I don't know what I'd do or where I'd go. I can just imagine myself having to live on the street and out of soup kitchens, because I'm doubtful that I'd ever get better once that's happened. Even now, I'm doubtful that I'll ever get better. I don't think I have enough courage or bravery to get better. I don't have the drive, and that's going destroy me.
I'm so stressed and I feel so lost. I can't talk to my parents anymore and they were my go-to people when I got stressed or didn't know what to do. I resent them a little bit right now, because I don't feel like I can talk to them. Everything that comes out of my mouth has to be defended or I'll get called out on it, even if it's obviously an emotional state or when I'm really confused. It's stressful to have to defend both sides all the time. I have to state how I'm feeling, how I know it's wrong, how I want to change it, how I don't know what to change it, but I still know you're opinion on it, etc. I just want to be on my side right now. I'm tired of having to play both sides of the field; it's draining.
My friends feel distant, my extended family will probably think the same way as my immediate family and I can't talk to my therapist for 2 weeks. I don't really find that I have any opportunity to talk to any of my teachers this semester because I'm not really close to any of them, and frankly, student services causes me so much stress than help. I really, really need someone to talk to and I don't who.
I'm not going to defend or back up anything in this post. I don't care if you think I'm irrational, it's how I feel right now. I'm having a really hard time attending classes again. It's being to show physical signs now. If I feel like I'm doing something I don't like or if I feel extreme guilt, I get the urge to vomit. My neck muscles haven't un-tensed for over a week, I get constant headaches and I'm over-eating. Every day I have to go to school I feel that way. Everyday I feel guilt over something like procrastinating, lying to my parents about my attendance or skipping class, I feel that way. On the weekends when I lie in bed, I'll have panic attacks about having to go to school or finishing homework that I've procrastinated on. I haven't slept for a full night without waking up, for over 3 weeks.
I can't apply for a job. I'll go to the stores and park outside, only to wander around the store or walk past it because I can't work up the nerve to hand in a resume. I almost need someone to go with me and sit in the car while I apply; they don't have to come in, I just need someone there so I vent when I get out of the store. I'm tired of my dad saying "Just go in and do", because I can't. This may be an unfair comparison, but it's like telling a smoker to quit cold-turkey. It relieves my stress in one way because I don't have to go through that one unpleasant situation, but it causes more stress because I'm constantly feeling extreme guilt over it.
The more I skip class or can't hand in a resume, the worse it gets. I can be fine, then I miss one day of class and suddenly I can't do it. Last week, I missed Thursday because bad roads and then I couldn't get myself to go on Tuesday because I was afraid that I'd missed too much math and would now be deemed stupid.
I know what I'm doing hurts me, that's why I'm so stressed. So much guilt and anxiety have built up, and now there's a constant battle between the two. Generally, guilt wins because I really hate disappointing people, but every now and then the anxiety crushes me. I want help. I want to know what to do, but I can't ask anyone. If I tried, I'd probably get the "just do it" advice which doesn't help at all. My parents are frustrated, it's easy to see. They're as tired of it as I am and it shows in how they choose to handle the situation now. I can understand that, but every time they point it out, every time there's an argument over it, it only makes me feel worse.
It only makes everything harder. It makes it harder to sleep, to relax or to do work because I'm trying to de-stress and can't. I've tried watching tv, reading a book, taking a bath, listening to music, writing, etc, but nothing's helped. I've tried meditation to relax both my muscles and my mind, but I can't focus. I sit in class and remind myself of how much of a loser I am: "Why the heck couldn't you have gone to school yesterday? Honestly, how stupid are you? Get your frickin' life together!", "You're too quiet, why can't you be normal? Everyone else in this class has friends, but you're too shy to go and talk to someone. Even if you did, you'd probably be so awkward that they'd spend the next week making fun of you", "Why can't you do any of your homework? It would only take like half-an-hour, but you're too busy wasting time on those stupid 'did you know' sites. Can you imagine what your marks would be like if you did your work? Maybe then you wouldn't always feel guilty about disappointing your teachers" and "At least you used to write novels; you had a project and could say you were productive. But now, all you have is short paragraphs of random stories or thoughts. Who would want to read those?".
I'm really aware of what's going on in my head. I know what's right and what's not. Don't tell me to 'just do it', I've tried. Don't explain to me the consequences, I know what they are. If I didn't would I being feeling as crappy as I am? Every moment in a day that I procrastinate my stress levels go up. Every day that I sit at home watching shows on my computer, I feel like I've wasted it. I don't have much to look forward for. Weekends are now just days where my parents are around more often, which means more chances to get lectured. Holidays are the same. What do I have that I care about? I don't know. I care about my thoughts, that's it.
I'm back to the point of hating myself for being worthless. I hate myself because I know that I'll never amount to something. If I can't hand in resumes or go to high school, how can I get a job or go to university. If I don't have any money, how will I even be able to live? I've mentioned this before and my parents can disagree all they want but I still fear it. I fear the day that my parents are done with me, where they say that I'm too much work and I need to move out. I don't know what I'd do or where I'd go. I can just imagine myself having to live on the street and out of soup kitchens, because I'm doubtful that I'd ever get better once that's happened. Even now, I'm doubtful that I'll ever get better. I don't think I have enough courage or bravery to get better. I don't have the drive, and that's going destroy me.
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