Philosophical Debates and the Slow Loss of My Mind

I love it how a single quote can cause my brain to spin out without any warning, and how I desperately need to write about it even though a part of me feels that it's completely useless because who wants to read about any of my philosophical ideas. It doesn't help that philosophy usually winds up with (as my dad put it) young adults talking about the meaning of life in a bar, showing off their intelligence and pretending that they are incredibly wise. That's paraphrasing of course, ain't no body got time to pay attention to their ranting parents. 

I'm not currently in a bar, nor do I have anyone to share my intelligence with save for the World Wide Web where this post will likely become lost is a jumble of cat gifs and badly misspelled Facebook updates, so we can pretend that I'm not egotistical even though we all know I am. 

The quote was just a stupid one line thing with no real deeper meaning; all it said was "I'd rather have an enemy who says they hate than a friend who secretly puts me down". I thought about it and realized that no, at this point in my life I'd rather live with the illusion that I'm well liked. Which means as long as I never find out that you hate my guts, I will happily accept the illusion as reality. Technically the illusion is only an illusion to those who know you hate my guys and reality to everyone else, so I doubt I'd be the only one living in reality 2.0. 

Here's where my brain starts wildly spinning for no reason, what makes reality reality and illusion illusion? Is reality reality simply because the majority believes it, because in that case we could say that since the only person who knows you hate me is you and the rest of the world sees us as friends, doesn't that mean that your hate for me is merely an illusion and our friendship is reality? 

To continue, does that mean that everyone lives an illusion based on their own perspectives so no one lives in reality at all? Is going by the majority even a good idea? We do it all the time for everything from grades, to sanity, to what we determine as healthy, etc. If we don't go by the majority then what the hell could we go by? Why do I even give a shit?

That is how erratic my thoughts can get, and we haven't even touched on if philosophy matters especially when we're under the reign of science, why we have a desire to debate what can never be proven, why are ideas like religion or spirituality needed, and how our all these thoughts are merely a series of neurons firing and what is consciousness. Whew, I'm pretty sure my head is dangerously close to spontaneous combustion. Also why do I care some much about disappointing them that I get nightmares about getting the wrong rental car?

Dating Issues

I feel a little ridiculous for constantly whining about my little problems; I recognize that I'm a very lucky individual and don't really have a difficult life. There are times when I just want to shut up and not bother to speak to anyone about the things that upset me in one way or another. Sometimes even blogging about it seems self-focused and attention seeking, like one of those "Shit White Girls Say" posts. 

I can't say for sure that I'm not seeking attention,  and I will admit to being self-focused, but I realize that bottling things up isn't healthy either. In fact, if I don't organize my thoughts I will wind up with a miserable night's sleep. I've thought about switching to hand-writing a diary, but I just worry that no one will know what's going on with me. Either way, the blog stays for now and I will continue to whine so feel free to ignore me.

I'm very muddled and confused today, I don't entirely know what's going in my head but I hope getting rid of a couple of thoughts that have been plaguing me recently will help me at least get a good night's sleep. 

For some reason, apparently I have decided that I need a boyfriend. What caused it, I don't know. I don't even know why I need one, except maybe for the expectation that I should have one by now. Plus, I think the teenage romantic ideal finally turned on in my head, which is terribly annoying and I wish I didn't have it because I don't have any romantic ideas about how a relationship will be. I don't expect a rom-com type of deal, more of just an "I tolerate this person" thing. 

It doesn't help that I work with a bunch of guys who are constantly questioning how odd I am for not having really dated anyone or for my unique likes in terms of hobbies. They find it weird that I've never gotten drunk, never go to parties, and enjoy just being at home. With all the questions and reactions, it starts to make you think.

I like who I am, I like me a lot. I enjoy getting excited over characters in tv shows, movies or books, and having a ton of information crammed into this skull. I like spending time by myself, I don't feel the need to drink a lot, and parties are filled with boring small-talk. Yet, I still worry that being me makes me too much of an outcast. 

I worry that I'm going to have to settle for the first guy my age who shows an interest in me, and I don't want to hang out with a partier who thinks of me as weird. I'd much rather prefer someone who's fine with just hanging out and watching movies. I guess I'm just worried that there's no one who would want to date me, as ridiculous as that sounds.