There is an absurd amount of fear running through me right not, all regarding having to get an education. Aside from the chaos that is the post-secondary system, I am really afraid of my anxiety hindering me. I know that I'm already psyching myself out by thinking so, but I'm worried that I won't be able to cope with finding my way around a campus, having to talk to others or stepping way out of my comfort zone. I'm still struggling to force myself to go do recycling on my own, although I've done so a few times already.
I think that's why I've started to look more at distance courses and I'm just using a temporary move as an excuse. I don't know how I'll be able to continue on with any kind of productive life if I continue to give into my fear. Even if I did manage to complete a program completely on line, how will I be able to get myself a job?
The worst part about this is that I have no idea how to combat it. Saying "Just do it" doesn't help, nor do cliches like "Just think of it as a small step", in fact I've heard them too much and now I just completely ignore them. They hold no meaning or comfort to me, they're just like singing "Oh Canada"; you've done it so much on auto-pilot it's unlikely that you know the words off the top of your head or even stop to consider the meaning behind the song's words.
If getting out of a habit is like rewiring the brain, like I've heard so many times, then how do I do that? If I've been running the same script over and over again in response to a certain situation, it's not as simple as writing a new script and clicking enter. I've been struggling with religion lately and it's the same problem. How can I even try to learn about something else if I've been engrained with a certain belief since I was born? It has been wired into me and it then becomes incredibly difficult into believing something that, even if I do agree with the philosophy, goes against it.
Months ago, I wrote that I was afraid of being nothing. Of having no purpose or being a worthless waste of space. I still have that fear, although I've discovered that its core is guilt. I'm not worried of being someone who sits at home writing, researching and making little money. I'm worried about not being able to support myself and having to add to someone else's burden. It's the same thing with my religious worries, I fear having my family members tell themselves (if I agree with something outside of what I've been taught) that they're the reason for my different beliefs.
I am not nothing, I will never be nothing unless my brain no longer functions. There is always value of an individual so long as they continue to create, whether it be abstract or material. Yet, I worry that I will disappoint my family if I do not become the traditional idea of 'something' and that's why I fear not getting over my anxiety.
