Judgement

Why do I do this to myself? What the heck is wrong with me? I feel so judged by everyone. My mother is really getting tired of me missing school and I can understand why. She wants the best for me and wants me to try as hard as I can. I'm not sure if she fully understands how desperate I feel, and every time I answer her question with a "no, I didn't go to school" she looks so disappointed in me. I feel as if she judges me like everyone else.

I don't like it when she thinks all this is my fault. I don't like it when my sister says that everything I'm going through is no big deal. I understand why she's upset and doesn't like when I'm always talking with my dad. She feels as if she never gets any time to talk with him because of me and I understand that. I feel bad for taking up all his time and for being such a disappointment to my mother.

To be honest, at this point I'm just waiting for someone to give up on me. I'm waiting for the moment when someone just snaps on me. You want to hear why I'm avoiding school? I'm afraid of my teachers judging me for missing so much school, I'm afraid of my classmates remarks when I return, I don't want to do the lip dub in French and I want to wait until it's finished before going back, I'm afraid of the work that I'll have to do to catch up and I'm terrified of telling my teachers that I'm missing a week of school to go to Manitoba.

That's what I'm afraid of. That's why I won't go to school. I'm not oblivious to the fact that by avoiding it I'm making the situation worse and I'm just prolonging my stress. I realize this, but I can't help it!

Ashamed

I feel like such a loser today. I feel weak and pathetic because I'm unable to make myself go to school. I haven't been at school since Thursday of last week; the only class I've attended is English because I had to hand-in an essay. I've even started lying about it. I told my mom I went to Chem class yesterday, in reality I drove around downtown Edmonton for an hour. I can't believe I lied to her about that, I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about it.

This morning I tried to make myself go to Social, but as I was putting on makeup I made a mistake and couldn't fix it in time for class, so I skipped class. What the heck is wrong with me? And my stupid mind actually tried to rationalize it. My stomach randomly starts up every now and then (and has been a pain all morning), so I'm "sick". Then my mind reminds me of having to use public bathrooms or leaving class and how embarrassing that would be. And being judged by my teachers, that scares me so of course avoiding it will make it all better. Believe me, I know the faulty logic in every one of these excuses, yet they make me feel better for missing school.

I'm so stupid! In my last post I suggested that I might not be a fighter and I might not have the ability to get what I want out of time. My question still stands: At what point should I give up? All these ideas still hold true to me. I can't help it. I'm getting more and more desperate. I keep hoping for something to change, but nothing does.

 I'm in a constant limbo; like walking on a tightrope with no solid ground in sight. I want to runaway from everything, to just pack up and leave all my problems here, but I know that it won't work. My problems will follow me no matter where I go. I wrote an essay and in it I said that "when people run away from responsibility and towards their perceived happiness, in reality they're running from true happiness and peace" and "In order to accept responsibility, one must realize that by doing so they will gain inner-peace and pride in themselves". Hypocritical, isn't it? Sometimes I feel like everything I write is just a bunch of lies, even I feel like a lie.

Hopeless

Yay, another relapse into a depressed state. Please try to understand me, I know it'll be difficult in this post, but please try. I don't want to go to school. I'd rather have a packet from each of my teachers that I can complete on my own time at home and only have to go to school to write tests. At least for the next few weeks until Christmas vacation. It my just be my delusional mind, but nothing seems wrong about that to me.

A part of me sees nothing wrong with living life away from people or at least limiting the amount of people I have around me. The other part already thinks I'm bat-crap crazy and is calling the lovely hospital that gives people sweaters that let them hug themselves. The only problem I could foresee is the lack of money and inability to provide for myself. Maybe internet blogging or novel-writing would work for me. Yeah, I realize that it's an improbability.

I feel like everything is hopeless. I think that I've already missed so much school, causing this semester to go to crap and there's no way to salvage it. What will high school do for me? What am I getting out of it? Other than the opportunity to go to another school that restrains me in the same way that this school does. Why can't I learn what I want to? Why does there have to be restrictions on things? Is the amount of time spent in high school too much? Are there too many restrictions on teens as far as learning goes? Do we restrict learning to a point in which it becomes a useless, hopeless endeavour? What would work better?

Sticking with the topic of post high school, what will happen to me? Is there a job out there that would suit me or am I too much of a 'flip-flopper' to decided on one? Am I to the point where I've become hopeless? Will I always have this anxiety, will it always confine me and will I always give into it? Maybe I'm just not a fighter. Maybe I can't fight my way out of this or fight to get what I want in life. At which point should I just give up?

I fear that I will become nothing. I fear that I will become a waste of time and that nothing I do will ever have an impact. I fear regretting every single moment of my life and realizing that I screwed up everything. I fear what people will think of me if I do. I fear rejection. I fear abandonment. I fear the moment that I ruin everything and people will just get tired of trying to help me. I'm tired of asking people to help me. I'm tired of needing help. I fear the time that I lose everything; the moment that my friends and family finally have enough and say 'Get Out!'. I fear reality.


The fear that grips my heart
The fear that mars my being and deems it worthless
The fear that makes me hopeless
The fear that leads to more fear

The tears that run down my face
The tears that represent my struggles
The tears that prove my fragility
The tears that lead to the human within


The stories that make me laugh
The stories that let me live in a different world
The stories that I dream up
The stories that lead to more stories


The morning chai tea that's brought to me
The morning tea that makes me feel like someone cares
The morning tea that says 'someone remembered you'
The morning tea that leads to smiles


The music that makes me sing
The music that makes me dance
The music that makes me feel like a happy dork
The music that leads to my soul


The thoughts that threaten to destroy me
The thoughts that encourage my reconstruction 
The thoughts that remain hidden for fear of rejection
The thoughts that lead to understanding


The moments that darkness clings to
The moments that hope refuses to lose
The moments that cause me to think
The moments that lead to my creation

School and Agoraphobia

Well, my dad and I were talking today and I may have shown some signs of agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder in which people start to avoid certain situations and places because of the fear of having a panic attack in a place where it may be difficult or embarrassing to escape from. Let's look at why this might apply to me! :)

I really, really don't want to go back to school. In fact, I've just recently begun to think of going to Student Services and trying to figure out a way to do my school work here at home...at least until Christmas break. I'm afraid of falling too far behind in class or being judged by my teachers, I'm afraid of having my stomach start up and being embarrassed in front of the entire class, and I don't want to talk to anyone there. Maybe by getting my homework ahead of time and having the ability to work through it on my own without worrying about the same deadlines that the class has would give me the opportunity to catch up and I would worry less about problems with my teachers. This may be very flawed thinking, but my mind right now thinks it's a brilliant idea.

It's possible that I've always had agoraphobia. If I was late for class or couldn't find the right class and was afraid of being embarrassed, I would simply skip it. I don't like going to new places by myself because I might embarrass myself. Of course certain places are worse than others, going to a specific appointment or place is more nerve-wracking than going to a mall and just looking around. I also tend to really freakout whenever I get lost, because I may be late and make a complete fool of myself. I've never really looked at all these little 'quirks' at one time, but there's a definite pattern. I've also never really considered them to be too much of an issue, but seeing them all together it makes me feel like I'm way more screwed up than I thought.

Luckily, I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow so hopefully I'll have some idea of what I can possible do to help it. I still don't want to go to school (and I'm loving the idea of doing all my work at home) and I probably won't go tomorrow. I'm being honest here. For some reason, I don't want to be forced to go to school before Christmas break and have the, what I am almost sure is a, flawed idea that returning after Christmas break will be so much easier.

Anyway, that's all I have to say for now. Avez-vous une bonne soirée!

Stability!

I've been feeling surprisingly stable these past few days, and all the noise in my head has quieted down to a manageable level. There's still some chaos, but I don't feel on the edge...at least for right now. I haven't been feeling the greatest physically, which could explain why I'm doing well mentally. I can't recall exactly what my dad said but it falls along the lines of when something's going wrong, our mind goes calm and focuses in on trying to fix that one aspect. At least, that's what I got out of that conversation. :P

Either way, I welcome peace with open arms! It took long enough for my mind to get to this point and honestly, I feel like I can tolerate the physical pain better for the time being. Give me a couple more days and I'll start whining about that too. ;)

Sleep still hasn't been the greatest, but I've been getting more. I can't seem to sleep more than 8 hours though, and an uninterrupted sleep is still unattainable. School is still the very last place I want to be, even the thought gives me stress, and I still can't get myself to read any of the books from English. They're too depressing for me and so I've been reading nothing but fluff for the past few weeks in an attempt to keep my brain from exploding. Too many opinions and debates for a girl that needs to think everything through and doesn't like to choose one side.

My appetite is on and off. Today I had two lunches, but yesterday my portions of food were fairly small. I still fear losing too much weight and I'm hoping that I can gain some when I visit my relatives for Christmas. Luckily, both my grandmas are excellent chefs and I doubt that I will ever have an empty stomach while visiting them.

I have been keeping to myself a bit, and like to spend most of my time in the basement (which is usual for me), but I have no deserve to talk things through with people anymore. Like I said in an earlier post, now I just want something to be done and talking about it isn't helping. So, I've also tried not to have that many 'deep' conversations with my dad about how to handle my mind's craziness, partially because I don't want to talk anymore and I'm finding myself disagreeing with a lot of what he says. Although, I know I may have to agree with him in the future when all this is sorted out. Stupid smart side of my brain. Quit it! Just say he's wrong!

Anyway, I think that's about it. Nothing much has been going on and no more 'big' debates on politics, religion or human behaviour, which has been appreciated!

Thoughts: The November Edition

Some more thoughts from my notebook, enjoy! If I keep up with all this writing, I might have to have a monthly edition. :P


Words are meant to be powerful and emotional; any word that does not help to create meaning is not meant to be used. (This is more of a reminder to myself. I tend to add in a lot of filler words and I need to try and avoid that. Guaranteed, you'll find a lot of those filler words throughout all my blog posts)

Minutes without seconds; weeks without days. We cannot describe one without the other nor should we describe ourselves based upon one moment or one thought. As constantly evolving individuals, it's not possible to categorize us using only a brief moment in time. 


I fear what will be left behind when my physical body returns to the Earth. The recent deaths and the absolute grief and disruption among the school causes me to rethink what I want to happen after I'm gone. The selfish, attention grabbing me would want everyone to know of my physical death and to have memorials devoted to me. However, knowing myself and the shy individual I am, few would know me alive or remember me dead. Those who would miss me, I wouldn't want to feel grief. I would want them to read all of my writings and for them to understand the person I am (or was). I would want every last written thought, story or idea published and shared whether it be on paper or a blog or website. I'd hope that someone like me would read them and find comfort for themselves in it. I once thought of burying my body as an Egyptian pharaoh; to be mummified and buried in an underground tomb with all of my prized possessions. The idea behind this was to give future people a glimpse of what life was like for me. Although I still wish to be of use and give a window into the past, I'd prefer my writing to speak not my physical body which only served as a vessel for my being. Now, I'd say 'burn my dead body, give my organs to those who need them and don't bother to set up a tombstone.' My life was not spent in one place and neither should my body. Allow only my memory, things left behind and my writing to remain as a testament to my existence.


Remember not which should be forgotten
Shed tears not for memories that deserve a smile
Love all not only those who have earned it
Mourn not for a lost life that has been well lived
But rejoice in the blessed moments you were given


My mind is a constant, spinning mess and often I wish it would slow down for a minute so I could rest. Yet within that mess there are solid ideas and I'd rather spend days searching for them, then lose them for a little peace. 


Perhaps I'm too analytical about social relationships and the on-going chaos in my life has drifted into my thinking processes. Maybe my inner need for control in one of my last controlled areas amidst my own personal chaos has lead me to view everything in a very procedural, analytical manner. My mind, lately, has been on hyper-drive and keeps flipping between hundreds of ideas, not bothering to hang onto one for more than a moment. The idea may be returned to in the future, but still as only a flash, not with any substance or depth. 


I have noticed some changes within myself, such as the greater need for silence and peace as well as distance between myself and other people. I don't like being around people, listening to their mindless chit-chat that doesn't lead to any ideas, and I don't want to be disturbed by them. I want to be as free of restrictions and irrelevant subjects in my life as possible. Conformity and authoritarian structure bothers me to a great degree; I want to be able to learn and do what I'd like without being judged (marks or otherwise). 


I realize that there must be a constant standard used in school to compare individuals and determine the amount of knowledge gained. I am a believer in the thought that intelligence cannot be determined or 'graded'. Intelligence is such an indeterminate quality that involves itself in every aspect of life. How an individual communicates with others, memorization abilities, the ability to relate information to other topics and others, vary among individuals. There are so many factors to an individual's intelligence level that we can't possibly create an accurate measuring system to compare them all. It would be like comparing an octopus' ability to fit through the smallest hole with a plant's ability to photosynthesize. That's why I hate it when people try to determine someone's intelligence; fyi, IQ tests are a bunch of crap.


Yay! My fingers and wrists made it through all this typing! Hurrah! This means I deserve something chocolately. Oh, yeah. I know you're jealous. ;)

More Thoughts on Religion

It's a very new experience for me to question religion and try and figure out what it means to me. I've done so many google searches on various religions in order to get a little bit of an understanding of what is important to me. I don't feel 100% comfortable about speaking of other religions and their beliefs, just because I've only taken a very generalized look at everything. Not to mention that I still feel that forbidden/taboo feeling attached to speaking about it and questioning what I've been taught. Did I mention that I'm afraid of rejection? 'Cause I still am, although it has been getting better.

The concept of pacifism, I haven't really addressed with myself all that much. I like the idea of non-violence, but I do believe that people do have a right to defend themselves. Some religions that believe that all life is sacred (I do believe this in some regard, but not to the extent of others) and must wear a veil to prevent the harming of anything due to their speech or must sweep the ground in front of them, I think are taken too far. Though, to each its own. The killing of an individual is not necessarily something I believe in, whether the death is caused from direct or indirect actions. Yes, I do realize that elaboration is needed, but I'm not going to give it now. I haven't really developed a strong opinion on death penalties; keeping someone in prison for life when you know they'll never get out ever again is very costly. Oh, dear. I feel like a cold, heartless b***h right now for even comparing a human life to economics and money, but that is an argument that some people use.

I looked at various religions that dealt with the idea of reincarnation to try and get a better idea about it. My 'theory' (if you can even call it that) about 'host bodies' as merely a vehicle used to carry the soul around doesn't sit that well with me. First off, I don't at all feel like my soul has been through any other lifetimes and the thought of everyone using a 'recycled' soul over and over again just doesn't feel right. Then there are no (or very few) new souls and people wouldn't necessarily be individuals anymore. I don't believe in the idea that the soul would travel across species, I just can't believe that. Humans have a higher functioning power (at least that's what we like to think. It's just like the idea that dolphins are smart; so smart that they can train a human to stand at the edge of a pool and toss them fish) and we were built in God's image. Therefore, why would God move our unique souls through less sophisticated beings. Sadly, I have a feeling that when cockroaches take over the world I'll be the first one to go thanks to that comment. ;)

Anyway, one of the religions I took a quick look at was Sikhism and on Wikipedia (yes, I do realize that it isn't an accurate source) they had neat bullet points that explained some of their beliefs. One of them in particular, I found to be quite interesting: the idea of "blind spirituality" is prohibited. Maybe I don't view it the way they do, but I found it to be an interesting idea. I believe that blind spirituality is a danger. In my opinion, anything that is done blindly is a danger. Following certain rituals, prayers and so on without thinking of what you're saying or doing it without any meaning is just a display to others; to "prove" that you are spiritual. This goes back to my previous blog post, people are not perfect. We are flawed beings and by covering up our flaws to give the illusion of perfection, we prevent learning how to work around these flaws and are unable to help others in the same situation. Sikhism also prohibits any sacrifice (human or animal) or the eating of meat in a ritualistic manner, which I agree with as well.

Whew! My fingers are getting tired and there are still so many thoughts running through my head in regards to religion! :P Onwards I shall go!

If I choose to accept (and I am very close to doing so) the idea that all religions are merely branches on a tree and they are all connected to one holy being (displayed differently throughout them), I therefore must look at the various religious texts. I don't accept every idea that is present throughout the Bible, and I don't take the books of the Bible as the direct, authoritative word of God. I believe that people who were close to God wrote them, however, it was not God's hands that did so. They merely wrote down the histories and events, as well as their own interpretations and beliefs. We must interpret those ideas for ourselves and question what we read, as well as the circumstances surrounding the writing of the Bible's books. If a religious man today published a book about events in today's world and his theories under the umbrella of God, would we add that to the Bible? When did we stop adding books and why? If we did add the religious man's book, would we then blindly follow it as the true word of God? Is it possible for one of the books in the Bible to contain inaccurate information regarding history? If it is, is it then plausible to say that the books contain a slant on an issue?

Should we be allowed to possess property and other physical items or is the owning of such only fuelling greed and false ideas of superiority over those who don't own the same stuff? Should church be a rigid structure? I don't think so, I think church as everything should be fluid (in some regards) and move with society while maintaining moral standards. I don't believe that there should be a direct head of a church because as I've mentioned, humans are full of flaws and we have the potential to take advantage of a higher position. No one person should be given absolute power save for God.

Ok, I'm so done thinking for now. Gosh, my brain feels frizzled, but less chaotic than last night. Although I shouldn't rule out another breakdown, because as soon as I rest my head on my pillow, I'll get a plethora of thoughts and ideas. I might add another post with some of the ideas in my notebook (which is where I do most of my brainstorming) tonight, but we'll see how my wrists will hold up. ;)

Contemplating Religion

As I go through all of this inner chaos, I find myself questioning everything. What do I believe in? Is the religion I'm currently in what I believe in? Do I want to start looking into 'changing' religions? I don't know. Do I romanticize certain ideas over others just because they're different and 'exotic' to me?

There's a piece of me that wishes to believe that the soul/mind is a separate entity from the body and that there is never an 'end' for it. Part of me rejects the idea of a heaven or hell. To have a final place that is so definite makes me feel at unease. Maybe the soul/mind is recycled and bodies are simply its 'hosts'. Maybe I just like the idea of a host body because it makes for a good story. I don't know.

I don't reject religion in its entirety. I can't just stop believing in it...there has to be something there. Even if there isn't, I have to believe there is. The idea of all religion stemming from one tree, is a nice way to tie everything up in a neat little package, maybe that's why I like that idea. Is religion merely a human need to make life seem worth it or is true?

I almost feel the sting of rejection just for thinking these things. What I fear most is for my friends and family to reject me because of my questioning. I feel like it's such a taboo topic; to even dare to think these things feels like betrayal. But I can't be the only one who has ever gone through this, I'm sure tons of my friends and family have had these thoughts, they just don't talk about it. Sometimes I feel that people put up this air of perfection and unwavering devotion to God, but as humans we can't truly have that. We are flawed beings. Shouldn't we instead talk freely about our flaws and our doubts when it comes to religion, instead of falsifying our being?

It bothers me when people constantly use God as an excuse, as if using his name in a phrase will hold some sort of magic over everyone. "God wanted it to happen" or "If God wills it to"...maybe God allows it to happen to give us the opportunity to grow and fight for it. I doubt God hands us everything on a silver platter, we can't just wait around uttering those magic phrases and believe that something will just happen. We need to work for it.

All-in-all (as I go in a round-a-bout way, as my thoughts generally are), I believe that our flaws should be displayed and celebrated. Or at least, how we manoeuvre around these flaws should be celebrated. Perfection will never and can never be obtained by us, why do we act like perfection is the only option? We work so hard to cover up all of our flaws and give the illusion of perfection; it bothers me to no end! Besides, is there only one kind of perfection? Imperfection is perfection; our flaws make us who we are, they make us human. God created us with flaws for a reason, for what reason I don't know. Yet, He sees us as his perfect creation.

Arrgh! Confusion. So much confusion! I love how I start off with one idea and my brain completely goes of topic. It's a channel flipper, that's all I can say. Topic to topic to topic and back to topic A, then topic C and back to A, then B, etc. You should really read my notebook. I must spend the majority of my day writing down random and disconnected thoughts. Maybe I'll post some more, but for right now I'm tired and I need to quiet my brain not fuel the fire.

The Need to Get Away

I can't handle this much more. The inconsistency with everything is driving me crazy. My health has improved, but still isn't the best. Plus my stomach is very vocal which leads to both embarrassing and funny moments. My emotions fluctuate so often, I'm starting to feel insane. I can feel fine and stable for an entire day and then, without any warning, I'm back to feeling terrible. Usually I have a good sense of when I'm about to hit that level, but not anymore. 

I need to get away. The few moments I have alone when I stay home from school isn't enough. I need an actual break from everything, not these little ones. I need to go to an entirely different place, away from this house and everything here. There's too much chaos and emotions attached to here. I want peace so badly. I'm at my limit. I can't stress that enough. There's no longer an "I don't want to school to school" attitude, but an "I'm never going back" one. It's no longer an "I want more space" situation but an "I NEED to be alone or I'll explode" one. There's no maybe/if thing going on, I'm not longer just feeling a certain way, I'm following through with it.

My only issue with trying to get away is where do I go? I can't just walk out of this house and stay with a friend, not that I necessarily would if I could. I don't know if I could ever convey with words the desperation that I feel. I need to get away from this place. I need to be transplanted into a different environment, something new. Maybe this is my so-called "need for perfection" talking, but I just feel that being in a new environment that allows me to be solitary would help. I don't know if it actually will, but I want to try and find out. 

I need something to happen soon. I need a break from my habits, I need my world to be thrown upside down so I don't fall back into those habits. That's why I think a new environment would help because it would give me an opportunity to rebuild different habits. Maybe it wouldn't, but I need to try something new.