Pretending

I think after awhile whining about your problems to people just becomes boring or pointless. That doesn't include this blog, by the way, here I mostly whine to myself. Constantly talking about being down just makes relationships awkward, no one likes the person that goes on an on about how shitty their life is. So, I just spend my time pretending that I'm ok. Of course, the frustration sneaks out every now and then, so someone asks why you're so quiet or how you're feeling. Usually I just brush it off with an I'm just tired today or I can't think of anything to say, it's just easier that way.

The only thing about pretending is that eventually it can get dangerous and you can wind up in an endless thought cycle, and no one knows. Which is why I like to blog about it rather than writing in a private diary. A few people I know have access to this so they at least know where I'm at and can attempt to intervene if it gets bad. 

I hate having to burden people with my problems, plus I'm old enough that I shouldn't have to rely on someone else to solve things for me, although I recognize that every now and then you do need help, but every down cycle shouldn't require someone.

Pretending is just easier than having to explain everything to someone who's heard it a million times. It helps to avoid lectures or the same envitable advice always given, and sometimes talking to someone just makes you feel more like shit than before. I hate explaining to others when I feel self-conscious about my appearance and would rather leave the store and deal with it myself. I don't want pity or people trying to cheer me up or make me feel better about myself.

I just don't want the stupid sympathy or deep talks. I want someone to know what's going on so they understand that I'm not trying to offend them, but I don't want pitying talk afterwards. 

Titles are Annoying

I've been feeling a little down the past few days, finding comfort in staying silent and being left alone. There are so many factors as to why, and I hope to explore some of them in this post. It may be a bit disconnected and hard to follow, but I blog more for my own sake than for readability. It's similar to a diary, with a few secrets left out to avoid hurting others, since I love being honest.

I've never really been confident in how a look and I hate to say it, but I often compare myself quite unfairly to my younger sister, a habit that I picked up after my mom mentioned comparing herself to her sister. I rarely ever reach the standards I have in my own mind and jealousy along with self-hatred quickly run me over. I try so hard to change my thoughts and be more kind to myself, but it feels like a losing battle. If I was true to myself, how I look wouldn't ever matter, since I value far more in myself than merely my appearance. I'd much rather be kind and compassionate, it makes me feel happier anyway, or intelligent and understanding. I want to cry when I think that I've been taught to worry more about my looks than my compassion, and although I wish to blame it on society, I know it can't be just it.

I have a hard time with my insecurity regarding how young I look, or when I think of the fact that I've only ever been on a single date, even though I really don't care whether or not I have a boyfriend. I think it just bothers me because it's almost like an expectation or sign that you're normal. I'm tired of worrying what kind of aura I give, whether I appear to be insecure or snobby or mad in other peoples minds. I don't want to care if the air I give is of someone who doesn't need a date. It shouldn't be important to me, I have so much else to offer that has far more value.

I want to be happy with me. I want to hide myself away and not spend a second worrying about how my outfit looks or if my hair's too greasy. I want to spend my time devoted to learning new things, gardening, playing with animals and just enjoying life. Why must I care so much about others minds?

And talking with my family has done nothing to ease it. Am I so conceited that every single conversation must be about me? Is that all I know? Am I trying to say things just for the emotional impact or do I actually believe it? I feel like such a conceited, lazy-ass who just spends her time bitching to people about society's rules.

I just want to quit life and hide. I want to be completely alone. I don't want to see or be around anyone, but rather than just whine about it I've tried look up ways that I could maintain my life without going outside. I've looked up so many online jobs, thought about selling things on Etsy and looked up prices of acreages everywhere in the province. I've read books on building houses and being off the grid. I'm trying to get there, and I'm not entirely sure what I'd do once I'm there.

Worries About Going Off Medication

I'm still debating whether or not I should go off my anti-anxiety drugs and my birth control, but after doing some research, I'm a little terrified. My reasons for discontinuing them aren't clearly defined with causes even more hesitation. I guess I'm not convinced that it's good for me. Maybe I'm just some sort of hippie, but I'm curious as to why I need them. 

For example, the reason I went on birth control was to help with acne. It has but I wonder if that's a valid reason to add another $70 to my expenses every month. At the same time, I'm afraid of going off it and winding up with tons of acne especially as my first year of university approaches. 

The withdrawal symptoms of cymbalta scare the crap out of me! According to reviews, doctors aren't much help either and it can take months to successfully get off of it. Things like brain zaps, increased anxiety/depression, mood swings, etc. And those are the people who tapered off their dose, not the ones who quit cold turkey! 

Why the heck wasn't I informed of this, before I went on the drug. I feel like such an idiot for not researching alternative drugs for anxiety or what the effects of Cymbalta were. Doctors don't even bother to give you various options and I'm really doubting their ability to properly prescribe drugs, they just seem to do a quick computer search. I lost a lot of faith in them when I got sick in high school, and it just keeps dwindling. 

I'm not entirely sure of what my plan is, but I think I'll continue the drugs until my supply runs out, then go down to a lower dose of Cymbalta. I'm very worried about how the stress of going to university will effect my chances of successfully going off drugs. 

A Few Stresses

One of my more annoying emotional warning systems is my dreams, as soon as they begin to get chaotic or seem more realistic, to the point where I can't tell if an incident occurred in my dreams or reality, then I know something is wrong. For quite awhile I've been having really odd ones, and the reason why I haven't communicated my stress to anyone is because I'm having a really difficult time defining the cause.

The best I've come up with is my anxiety over how people at work perceive me and my fear that I'm not capable of being an independent adult. I have no doubt that there are many small anxieties that are lying underneath. Just identifying something helps me to calm down.

After making a few minor errors at work, I've been embarrassed and worried about work. It's worse because I respect these people and want them to see me in a good light. As I wrote yesterday, I learned that I may have accidentally offended people, and while I don't think I was wrong, I don't want to offend people.

My problem is that I care far to about what other people think of me and I'm not entirely sure how to "not give a shit". Constantly worrying about other people takes up too much of my energy, and it's rarely worth while. It's impossible to think that I will be everyone's friend or always be seen in a good light, so I need to stop trying.

I've also been worried that I just don't have the ability to mindset to care for myself on my own. It's embarrassing to say, but I've even thought that it would just be easier for me to be committed to a mental hospital. I think I'd even enjoy a little, but that's beside the fact. I have no idea how to get what I want out of this society. I've tried thinking of the way I could, but I'm still having trouble. I've debated trying to get an online writing job, but I doubt it would pay much. I've thought about creating a company on etsy, but I'm not sure what I could offer.

To throw in a little optimism, I will figure it out eventually and I'm still a bit unsure of everything, but  I just have to trust that eventually it will all come together. I tend to think far into the future, but the amount of variables that could effect my life render any future plans worthless. Having a few future goals is a good idea, but they need to be flexible. All I can do is pick the choices that seem best in the moment and deal with what ever happens in the future. I'll need to remind myself more often

Medicated Introvert

There are quite a few things that have been tossing around in my mind lately and I've had a really hard time trying to place them into a format that makes sense to anyone, including me. I'll give it a go in this post, just to get a few things out there so they don't screw up my dreams for a fourth night.

Lately, I've been thinking about going off my medication. It's something I've been pondering for awhile, but has increased since I've gotten to know the expense it adds. I'm not sure why I had this idea, but I think it's because I haven't been quite feeling like myself. I feel as if my struggles with anxiety are part of me and it's as if I've skipped a few perception changing experiences that would have made me redefine myself. In other words, I feel like I've changed too quickly and a piece of my identity remains with the anxiety I've left. Rather than a slow transition and understanding of identity, it feels as if I've surgically removed part of my being.

I miss having that desperate need for alone time, because while I feel it lingering, I can't get satisfaction from solitude. It's as if I haven't really recognized that I needed my alone time for so long, because I haven't gotten that warning that says "hey, slow down the socializing or you'll burn out", and while I still haven't gotten that subconscious warning, my mind seems to have caught up and is now trying to let me know that I need it. But I just can't get that satisfied feeling of being alone.

I loved being an introvert, but now it feels like I'm caught in the middle. I don't feel like myself anymore and it worries me because even though I still had some issues to work out, I loved myself. I still have some lingering introverted desires, but I don't derive any comfort from allowing myself to give into them. I'm not re-energizing when I'm alone, I'm not enjoying taking time to read or write, and I just feel this state of not knowing where I stand.

I also want to learn how to deal with my anxiety on my own. I feel like its a project that unfinished, and someone decided to do it for me. I want to learn how to change my thinking process and anxiety is like having a warning, where now I'm still functioning under the same thinking process but I don't have the flashing lights that tell me I'm going too far, so I'm not working on changing it. While I'm grateful for its benefits and I have no doubt that even if I do go off it, I'll probably end up taking it again while I go to university until I'm a bit more settled. It's something I'll have to think about.

In a slightly un-related stream of thought, it's so annoying being a more introverted person. The amount of information I have to think about daily in order to fit into a more social group is exhausting. I've only found out the last little while that a lot of people at work were a little on-edge about me because I was quiet. It wasn't that I ignored them, no I said "Hi, how's it going?" every day and participated in any conversation that was initiated, but several people were really shocked to learn that one of my co-workers was able to have long conversations with me.

Do you release how exhausting it is to have to first remember (and as I mentioned this was something I had already been doing, and I still had to remind myself every day) to say hi and try to do at least a little small-talk, and now I feel obligated to try and force myself to converse because I don't want anyone to feel offended by my lack of speech. It's difficult and it's adding un-needed clutter to my head.

If I don't know you all that well, or we don't connect immediately, I'll fine pulling out a book and reading if the conversation dies down. It does not mean I don't like you or want to talk to you, it's not awkward for me at all, I just feel like the conversation is over and my obligation to be friendly has been met and now I can relax. I wish people would understand this! Eventually, I'm going to start learning that I don't need to be everyone's friend or add stress by worrying over who I'm going to offend next.

Rants from a Self-Worshipping Liberal

I am known to get hyped up about some things, especially regarding some my extended family's views. I have a couple of aunts in particular that can be pretty vocal about abortion rights. Most days I can brush it off and laugh, but for some reason I felt compelled today to write a reply on an aunts Facebook post. Probably because I like debates and I've got a new found need to share my opinion. It was a little nerve-racking since I usually ignore it and I'm afraid of what my family will think, not to mention I'm worried that I'm over-reacting.

It's a quite humorous link that she posted, the first paragraphs saying "It's time for all of us to understand that we are at war, and lives are at stake. The enemy -- the self-worshipping death cult known as modern liberalism -- has become increasingly vile, violent, and deceitful, and so we must become increasingly bold, fearless, and aggressive in our response." Personally, I find the writer to be someone who tries to exaggerate emotions to get a response, someone who clearly hasn't taken the time to look into opposing views or thought to see those who get an abortion as people with emotions. 

So, here's my rant on abortion rights. I'm pro-choice, I believe that educated individuals have a right to choose whether or not to have a baby, not because I think a fetus is worthless, but because forcing a woman to carry a baby she doesn't want to term is immoral. Giving a fetus more rights than an adult human seems ridiculous to me, and I can only imagine the emotions that woman would be having while carrying her unwanted baby. 

I don't believe that stopping abortion will stop the problem. I think that abortions will go underground  putting women's lives in danger, because they have no other choice. If you want to see a decrease in abortion rates provide women will birth control options and educate them, allowing them the opportunity to decide when having a baby who be best for both mother and baby. 

If you're so concerned about the potential of an individual, help out homeless children, and provide money and support to families who aren't able to give their children a good quality of life. Denying someone the right to their own bodies is wrong, if they are in the right mental state. I agree that abortions should be limited to a certain number of weeks, and I definitely don't agree with late-term abortions. 

Long story short, these women are people who usually are faced with a tough decision. Rarely is it a cold-hearted, "Fuck you, I want to par-tay!" and a lot of thought goes into the decision. Most of the time, these women care about the environment a child grows up in and want to have a child when their finances, emotions and lives are stable. These are people with emotions like anyone else and simply writing them off as murderers is an irresponsible use of the term. 

Little Mistakes

A bit of a downer post today, but I just need to work through some stuff so bear with me.  Also expect some foul language because I just feel like using it today. 

I'm feeling a little frustrated with myself because I'm making a bunch of stupid little mistakes. I hate it when this happens, especially since it enviably does. Just like in math, I've got the gist down and have everything right but then I have to go and make the tiniest fucking mistake and get the entire question wrong. I did it at my old job, forgot a couple of boxes in an aisle and missed a few details which got me in hotter water than I expected. And now I'm doing it again. 

I'm a smart individual. I know that. So, why do I constantly over-look things? I'm frustratingly absent-minded, constantly forgetting where I left something or having "blank-spots" in my memory where I can't quite remember where I put or any other details. It's getting me in trouble and I don't know how to fix it. The only thing I can think of is to have a physical list I have to check off to make sure I know what the hell I'm doing at my new job. Like a) made sure there were no dents or chips in windshield b)got keys from customer c)parked car d)hung keys up in proper place. 

I need to consciously remember exactly what I'm doing and it's hard to do. I wish I knew another way to stop fucking shit up. 

Who I Am

So, recently I was speaking with a co-worker about random things and the subject of my dating life popped up. As a young adult, this happens a lot and I generally don't mind it too much since I enjoy being very open and honest about myself. To sum up my dating life it would be non-existent; I've only been asked out twice and only accepted once. It's not like I purposefully choose not to date, I just don't have any offers plus I'm sure that I would find it very nerve-racking to have to establish a relationship with someone.

Anyway, the conversation wound up in the obvious direction of why I hadn't gotten many dates. To my amusement, he came up with the formula of me being too intelligent, guys who were intimidated by it or too shy and me looking too young for my age. His suggestion was to dye my hair blond and refrain from correcting people too much. I had laugh and found it more amusing than insulting. I'm sure he wasn't totally serious, either way I definitely won't be doing that.

I love who I am; both the ups and downs of it. I love everything from the way I look to how my mind works, and even accept (not necessarily love) how often I embarrass myself. There is no way on earth that I would ever dumb myself down to get people to like me, frankly I'd rather speak to someone who I can have a real conversation with than just small-talk with another who I don't connect with.

I'm very pleased with who I am and the person I'm going to become, because I know that I have the potential to be a big influence, even if it's just to a small group of people. I write because it not only helps me, because I have just that tiny glimmer of hope that someone will read it and find value in it. Whether or not that ever happens, I'm happy pretending that what I say will be heard.

To get back on track, I'm very conflicted about the idea of a relationship, because I know that I will be fine if I never end up in one. While there are benefits to having one, there are also benefits to being solitary. I'm not saying that I wouldn't enjoy the quirky romantic movie relationship and often I wish I could grab more hugs or cuddles, but I also recognize that reality doesn't work the same way that movies do and there's a lot more involved. That stupid awkward, get-to-know each other stage scares me more than I'd like to admit.