Judgement

Why do I do this to myself? What the heck is wrong with me? I feel so judged by everyone. My mother is really getting tired of me missing school and I can understand why. She wants the best for me and wants me to try as hard as I can. I'm not sure if she fully understands how desperate I feel, and every time I answer her question with a "no, I didn't go to school" she looks so disappointed in me. I feel as if she judges me like everyone else.

I don't like it when she thinks all this is my fault. I don't like it when my sister says that everything I'm going through is no big deal. I understand why she's upset and doesn't like when I'm always talking with my dad. She feels as if she never gets any time to talk with him because of me and I understand that. I feel bad for taking up all his time and for being such a disappointment to my mother.

To be honest, at this point I'm just waiting for someone to give up on me. I'm waiting for the moment when someone just snaps on me. You want to hear why I'm avoiding school? I'm afraid of my teachers judging me for missing so much school, I'm afraid of my classmates remarks when I return, I don't want to do the lip dub in French and I want to wait until it's finished before going back, I'm afraid of the work that I'll have to do to catch up and I'm terrified of telling my teachers that I'm missing a week of school to go to Manitoba.

That's what I'm afraid of. That's why I won't go to school. I'm not oblivious to the fact that by avoiding it I'm making the situation worse and I'm just prolonging my stress. I realize this, but I can't help it!

Ashamed

I feel like such a loser today. I feel weak and pathetic because I'm unable to make myself go to school. I haven't been at school since Thursday of last week; the only class I've attended is English because I had to hand-in an essay. I've even started lying about it. I told my mom I went to Chem class yesterday, in reality I drove around downtown Edmonton for an hour. I can't believe I lied to her about that, I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about it.

This morning I tried to make myself go to Social, but as I was putting on makeup I made a mistake and couldn't fix it in time for class, so I skipped class. What the heck is wrong with me? And my stupid mind actually tried to rationalize it. My stomach randomly starts up every now and then (and has been a pain all morning), so I'm "sick". Then my mind reminds me of having to use public bathrooms or leaving class and how embarrassing that would be. And being judged by my teachers, that scares me so of course avoiding it will make it all better. Believe me, I know the faulty logic in every one of these excuses, yet they make me feel better for missing school.

I'm so stupid! In my last post I suggested that I might not be a fighter and I might not have the ability to get what I want out of time. My question still stands: At what point should I give up? All these ideas still hold true to me. I can't help it. I'm getting more and more desperate. I keep hoping for something to change, but nothing does.

 I'm in a constant limbo; like walking on a tightrope with no solid ground in sight. I want to runaway from everything, to just pack up and leave all my problems here, but I know that it won't work. My problems will follow me no matter where I go. I wrote an essay and in it I said that "when people run away from responsibility and towards their perceived happiness, in reality they're running from true happiness and peace" and "In order to accept responsibility, one must realize that by doing so they will gain inner-peace and pride in themselves". Hypocritical, isn't it? Sometimes I feel like everything I write is just a bunch of lies, even I feel like a lie.

Hopeless

Yay, another relapse into a depressed state. Please try to understand me, I know it'll be difficult in this post, but please try. I don't want to go to school. I'd rather have a packet from each of my teachers that I can complete on my own time at home and only have to go to school to write tests. At least for the next few weeks until Christmas vacation. It my just be my delusional mind, but nothing seems wrong about that to me.

A part of me sees nothing wrong with living life away from people or at least limiting the amount of people I have around me. The other part already thinks I'm bat-crap crazy and is calling the lovely hospital that gives people sweaters that let them hug themselves. The only problem I could foresee is the lack of money and inability to provide for myself. Maybe internet blogging or novel-writing would work for me. Yeah, I realize that it's an improbability.

I feel like everything is hopeless. I think that I've already missed so much school, causing this semester to go to crap and there's no way to salvage it. What will high school do for me? What am I getting out of it? Other than the opportunity to go to another school that restrains me in the same way that this school does. Why can't I learn what I want to? Why does there have to be restrictions on things? Is the amount of time spent in high school too much? Are there too many restrictions on teens as far as learning goes? Do we restrict learning to a point in which it becomes a useless, hopeless endeavour? What would work better?

Sticking with the topic of post high school, what will happen to me? Is there a job out there that would suit me or am I too much of a 'flip-flopper' to decided on one? Am I to the point where I've become hopeless? Will I always have this anxiety, will it always confine me and will I always give into it? Maybe I'm just not a fighter. Maybe I can't fight my way out of this or fight to get what I want in life. At which point should I just give up?

I fear that I will become nothing. I fear that I will become a waste of time and that nothing I do will ever have an impact. I fear regretting every single moment of my life and realizing that I screwed up everything. I fear what people will think of me if I do. I fear rejection. I fear abandonment. I fear the moment that I ruin everything and people will just get tired of trying to help me. I'm tired of asking people to help me. I'm tired of needing help. I fear the time that I lose everything; the moment that my friends and family finally have enough and say 'Get Out!'. I fear reality.


The fear that grips my heart
The fear that mars my being and deems it worthless
The fear that makes me hopeless
The fear that leads to more fear

The tears that run down my face
The tears that represent my struggles
The tears that prove my fragility
The tears that lead to the human within


The stories that make me laugh
The stories that let me live in a different world
The stories that I dream up
The stories that lead to more stories


The morning chai tea that's brought to me
The morning tea that makes me feel like someone cares
The morning tea that says 'someone remembered you'
The morning tea that leads to smiles


The music that makes me sing
The music that makes me dance
The music that makes me feel like a happy dork
The music that leads to my soul


The thoughts that threaten to destroy me
The thoughts that encourage my reconstruction 
The thoughts that remain hidden for fear of rejection
The thoughts that lead to understanding


The moments that darkness clings to
The moments that hope refuses to lose
The moments that cause me to think
The moments that lead to my creation

School and Agoraphobia

Well, my dad and I were talking today and I may have shown some signs of agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder in which people start to avoid certain situations and places because of the fear of having a panic attack in a place where it may be difficult or embarrassing to escape from. Let's look at why this might apply to me! :)

I really, really don't want to go back to school. In fact, I've just recently begun to think of going to Student Services and trying to figure out a way to do my school work here at home...at least until Christmas break. I'm afraid of falling too far behind in class or being judged by my teachers, I'm afraid of having my stomach start up and being embarrassed in front of the entire class, and I don't want to talk to anyone there. Maybe by getting my homework ahead of time and having the ability to work through it on my own without worrying about the same deadlines that the class has would give me the opportunity to catch up and I would worry less about problems with my teachers. This may be very flawed thinking, but my mind right now thinks it's a brilliant idea.

It's possible that I've always had agoraphobia. If I was late for class or couldn't find the right class and was afraid of being embarrassed, I would simply skip it. I don't like going to new places by myself because I might embarrass myself. Of course certain places are worse than others, going to a specific appointment or place is more nerve-wracking than going to a mall and just looking around. I also tend to really freakout whenever I get lost, because I may be late and make a complete fool of myself. I've never really looked at all these little 'quirks' at one time, but there's a definite pattern. I've also never really considered them to be too much of an issue, but seeing them all together it makes me feel like I'm way more screwed up than I thought.

Luckily, I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow so hopefully I'll have some idea of what I can possible do to help it. I still don't want to go to school (and I'm loving the idea of doing all my work at home) and I probably won't go tomorrow. I'm being honest here. For some reason, I don't want to be forced to go to school before Christmas break and have the, what I am almost sure is a, flawed idea that returning after Christmas break will be so much easier.

Anyway, that's all I have to say for now. Avez-vous une bonne soirée!

Stability!

I've been feeling surprisingly stable these past few days, and all the noise in my head has quieted down to a manageable level. There's still some chaos, but I don't feel on the edge...at least for right now. I haven't been feeling the greatest physically, which could explain why I'm doing well mentally. I can't recall exactly what my dad said but it falls along the lines of when something's going wrong, our mind goes calm and focuses in on trying to fix that one aspect. At least, that's what I got out of that conversation. :P

Either way, I welcome peace with open arms! It took long enough for my mind to get to this point and honestly, I feel like I can tolerate the physical pain better for the time being. Give me a couple more days and I'll start whining about that too. ;)

Sleep still hasn't been the greatest, but I've been getting more. I can't seem to sleep more than 8 hours though, and an uninterrupted sleep is still unattainable. School is still the very last place I want to be, even the thought gives me stress, and I still can't get myself to read any of the books from English. They're too depressing for me and so I've been reading nothing but fluff for the past few weeks in an attempt to keep my brain from exploding. Too many opinions and debates for a girl that needs to think everything through and doesn't like to choose one side.

My appetite is on and off. Today I had two lunches, but yesterday my portions of food were fairly small. I still fear losing too much weight and I'm hoping that I can gain some when I visit my relatives for Christmas. Luckily, both my grandmas are excellent chefs and I doubt that I will ever have an empty stomach while visiting them.

I have been keeping to myself a bit, and like to spend most of my time in the basement (which is usual for me), but I have no deserve to talk things through with people anymore. Like I said in an earlier post, now I just want something to be done and talking about it isn't helping. So, I've also tried not to have that many 'deep' conversations with my dad about how to handle my mind's craziness, partially because I don't want to talk anymore and I'm finding myself disagreeing with a lot of what he says. Although, I know I may have to agree with him in the future when all this is sorted out. Stupid smart side of my brain. Quit it! Just say he's wrong!

Anyway, I think that's about it. Nothing much has been going on and no more 'big' debates on politics, religion or human behaviour, which has been appreciated!

Thoughts: The November Edition

Some more thoughts from my notebook, enjoy! If I keep up with all this writing, I might have to have a monthly edition. :P


Words are meant to be powerful and emotional; any word that does not help to create meaning is not meant to be used. (This is more of a reminder to myself. I tend to add in a lot of filler words and I need to try and avoid that. Guaranteed, you'll find a lot of those filler words throughout all my blog posts)

Minutes without seconds; weeks without days. We cannot describe one without the other nor should we describe ourselves based upon one moment or one thought. As constantly evolving individuals, it's not possible to categorize us using only a brief moment in time. 


I fear what will be left behind when my physical body returns to the Earth. The recent deaths and the absolute grief and disruption among the school causes me to rethink what I want to happen after I'm gone. The selfish, attention grabbing me would want everyone to know of my physical death and to have memorials devoted to me. However, knowing myself and the shy individual I am, few would know me alive or remember me dead. Those who would miss me, I wouldn't want to feel grief. I would want them to read all of my writings and for them to understand the person I am (or was). I would want every last written thought, story or idea published and shared whether it be on paper or a blog or website. I'd hope that someone like me would read them and find comfort for themselves in it. I once thought of burying my body as an Egyptian pharaoh; to be mummified and buried in an underground tomb with all of my prized possessions. The idea behind this was to give future people a glimpse of what life was like for me. Although I still wish to be of use and give a window into the past, I'd prefer my writing to speak not my physical body which only served as a vessel for my being. Now, I'd say 'burn my dead body, give my organs to those who need them and don't bother to set up a tombstone.' My life was not spent in one place and neither should my body. Allow only my memory, things left behind and my writing to remain as a testament to my existence.


Remember not which should be forgotten
Shed tears not for memories that deserve a smile
Love all not only those who have earned it
Mourn not for a lost life that has been well lived
But rejoice in the blessed moments you were given


My mind is a constant, spinning mess and often I wish it would slow down for a minute so I could rest. Yet within that mess there are solid ideas and I'd rather spend days searching for them, then lose them for a little peace. 


Perhaps I'm too analytical about social relationships and the on-going chaos in my life has drifted into my thinking processes. Maybe my inner need for control in one of my last controlled areas amidst my own personal chaos has lead me to view everything in a very procedural, analytical manner. My mind, lately, has been on hyper-drive and keeps flipping between hundreds of ideas, not bothering to hang onto one for more than a moment. The idea may be returned to in the future, but still as only a flash, not with any substance or depth. 


I have noticed some changes within myself, such as the greater need for silence and peace as well as distance between myself and other people. I don't like being around people, listening to their mindless chit-chat that doesn't lead to any ideas, and I don't want to be disturbed by them. I want to be as free of restrictions and irrelevant subjects in my life as possible. Conformity and authoritarian structure bothers me to a great degree; I want to be able to learn and do what I'd like without being judged (marks or otherwise). 


I realize that there must be a constant standard used in school to compare individuals and determine the amount of knowledge gained. I am a believer in the thought that intelligence cannot be determined or 'graded'. Intelligence is such an indeterminate quality that involves itself in every aspect of life. How an individual communicates with others, memorization abilities, the ability to relate information to other topics and others, vary among individuals. There are so many factors to an individual's intelligence level that we can't possibly create an accurate measuring system to compare them all. It would be like comparing an octopus' ability to fit through the smallest hole with a plant's ability to photosynthesize. That's why I hate it when people try to determine someone's intelligence; fyi, IQ tests are a bunch of crap.


Yay! My fingers and wrists made it through all this typing! Hurrah! This means I deserve something chocolately. Oh, yeah. I know you're jealous. ;)

More Thoughts on Religion

It's a very new experience for me to question religion and try and figure out what it means to me. I've done so many google searches on various religions in order to get a little bit of an understanding of what is important to me. I don't feel 100% comfortable about speaking of other religions and their beliefs, just because I've only taken a very generalized look at everything. Not to mention that I still feel that forbidden/taboo feeling attached to speaking about it and questioning what I've been taught. Did I mention that I'm afraid of rejection? 'Cause I still am, although it has been getting better.

The concept of pacifism, I haven't really addressed with myself all that much. I like the idea of non-violence, but I do believe that people do have a right to defend themselves. Some religions that believe that all life is sacred (I do believe this in some regard, but not to the extent of others) and must wear a veil to prevent the harming of anything due to their speech or must sweep the ground in front of them, I think are taken too far. Though, to each its own. The killing of an individual is not necessarily something I believe in, whether the death is caused from direct or indirect actions. Yes, I do realize that elaboration is needed, but I'm not going to give it now. I haven't really developed a strong opinion on death penalties; keeping someone in prison for life when you know they'll never get out ever again is very costly. Oh, dear. I feel like a cold, heartless b***h right now for even comparing a human life to economics and money, but that is an argument that some people use.

I looked at various religions that dealt with the idea of reincarnation to try and get a better idea about it. My 'theory' (if you can even call it that) about 'host bodies' as merely a vehicle used to carry the soul around doesn't sit that well with me. First off, I don't at all feel like my soul has been through any other lifetimes and the thought of everyone using a 'recycled' soul over and over again just doesn't feel right. Then there are no (or very few) new souls and people wouldn't necessarily be individuals anymore. I don't believe in the idea that the soul would travel across species, I just can't believe that. Humans have a higher functioning power (at least that's what we like to think. It's just like the idea that dolphins are smart; so smart that they can train a human to stand at the edge of a pool and toss them fish) and we were built in God's image. Therefore, why would God move our unique souls through less sophisticated beings. Sadly, I have a feeling that when cockroaches take over the world I'll be the first one to go thanks to that comment. ;)

Anyway, one of the religions I took a quick look at was Sikhism and on Wikipedia (yes, I do realize that it isn't an accurate source) they had neat bullet points that explained some of their beliefs. One of them in particular, I found to be quite interesting: the idea of "blind spirituality" is prohibited. Maybe I don't view it the way they do, but I found it to be an interesting idea. I believe that blind spirituality is a danger. In my opinion, anything that is done blindly is a danger. Following certain rituals, prayers and so on without thinking of what you're saying or doing it without any meaning is just a display to others; to "prove" that you are spiritual. This goes back to my previous blog post, people are not perfect. We are flawed beings and by covering up our flaws to give the illusion of perfection, we prevent learning how to work around these flaws and are unable to help others in the same situation. Sikhism also prohibits any sacrifice (human or animal) or the eating of meat in a ritualistic manner, which I agree with as well.

Whew! My fingers are getting tired and there are still so many thoughts running through my head in regards to religion! :P Onwards I shall go!

If I choose to accept (and I am very close to doing so) the idea that all religions are merely branches on a tree and they are all connected to one holy being (displayed differently throughout them), I therefore must look at the various religious texts. I don't accept every idea that is present throughout the Bible, and I don't take the books of the Bible as the direct, authoritative word of God. I believe that people who were close to God wrote them, however, it was not God's hands that did so. They merely wrote down the histories and events, as well as their own interpretations and beliefs. We must interpret those ideas for ourselves and question what we read, as well as the circumstances surrounding the writing of the Bible's books. If a religious man today published a book about events in today's world and his theories under the umbrella of God, would we add that to the Bible? When did we stop adding books and why? If we did add the religious man's book, would we then blindly follow it as the true word of God? Is it possible for one of the books in the Bible to contain inaccurate information regarding history? If it is, is it then plausible to say that the books contain a slant on an issue?

Should we be allowed to possess property and other physical items or is the owning of such only fuelling greed and false ideas of superiority over those who don't own the same stuff? Should church be a rigid structure? I don't think so, I think church as everything should be fluid (in some regards) and move with society while maintaining moral standards. I don't believe that there should be a direct head of a church because as I've mentioned, humans are full of flaws and we have the potential to take advantage of a higher position. No one person should be given absolute power save for God.

Ok, I'm so done thinking for now. Gosh, my brain feels frizzled, but less chaotic than last night. Although I shouldn't rule out another breakdown, because as soon as I rest my head on my pillow, I'll get a plethora of thoughts and ideas. I might add another post with some of the ideas in my notebook (which is where I do most of my brainstorming) tonight, but we'll see how my wrists will hold up. ;)

Contemplating Religion

As I go through all of this inner chaos, I find myself questioning everything. What do I believe in? Is the religion I'm currently in what I believe in? Do I want to start looking into 'changing' religions? I don't know. Do I romanticize certain ideas over others just because they're different and 'exotic' to me?

There's a piece of me that wishes to believe that the soul/mind is a separate entity from the body and that there is never an 'end' for it. Part of me rejects the idea of a heaven or hell. To have a final place that is so definite makes me feel at unease. Maybe the soul/mind is recycled and bodies are simply its 'hosts'. Maybe I just like the idea of a host body because it makes for a good story. I don't know.

I don't reject religion in its entirety. I can't just stop believing in it...there has to be something there. Even if there isn't, I have to believe there is. The idea of all religion stemming from one tree, is a nice way to tie everything up in a neat little package, maybe that's why I like that idea. Is religion merely a human need to make life seem worth it or is true?

I almost feel the sting of rejection just for thinking these things. What I fear most is for my friends and family to reject me because of my questioning. I feel like it's such a taboo topic; to even dare to think these things feels like betrayal. But I can't be the only one who has ever gone through this, I'm sure tons of my friends and family have had these thoughts, they just don't talk about it. Sometimes I feel that people put up this air of perfection and unwavering devotion to God, but as humans we can't truly have that. We are flawed beings. Shouldn't we instead talk freely about our flaws and our doubts when it comes to religion, instead of falsifying our being?

It bothers me when people constantly use God as an excuse, as if using his name in a phrase will hold some sort of magic over everyone. "God wanted it to happen" or "If God wills it to"...maybe God allows it to happen to give us the opportunity to grow and fight for it. I doubt God hands us everything on a silver platter, we can't just wait around uttering those magic phrases and believe that something will just happen. We need to work for it.

All-in-all (as I go in a round-a-bout way, as my thoughts generally are), I believe that our flaws should be displayed and celebrated. Or at least, how we manoeuvre around these flaws should be celebrated. Perfection will never and can never be obtained by us, why do we act like perfection is the only option? We work so hard to cover up all of our flaws and give the illusion of perfection; it bothers me to no end! Besides, is there only one kind of perfection? Imperfection is perfection; our flaws make us who we are, they make us human. God created us with flaws for a reason, for what reason I don't know. Yet, He sees us as his perfect creation.

Arrgh! Confusion. So much confusion! I love how I start off with one idea and my brain completely goes of topic. It's a channel flipper, that's all I can say. Topic to topic to topic and back to topic A, then topic C and back to A, then B, etc. You should really read my notebook. I must spend the majority of my day writing down random and disconnected thoughts. Maybe I'll post some more, but for right now I'm tired and I need to quiet my brain not fuel the fire.

The Need to Get Away

I can't handle this much more. The inconsistency with everything is driving me crazy. My health has improved, but still isn't the best. Plus my stomach is very vocal which leads to both embarrassing and funny moments. My emotions fluctuate so often, I'm starting to feel insane. I can feel fine and stable for an entire day and then, without any warning, I'm back to feeling terrible. Usually I have a good sense of when I'm about to hit that level, but not anymore. 

I need to get away. The few moments I have alone when I stay home from school isn't enough. I need an actual break from everything, not these little ones. I need to go to an entirely different place, away from this house and everything here. There's too much chaos and emotions attached to here. I want peace so badly. I'm at my limit. I can't stress that enough. There's no longer an "I don't want to school to school" attitude, but an "I'm never going back" one. It's no longer an "I want more space" situation but an "I NEED to be alone or I'll explode" one. There's no maybe/if thing going on, I'm not longer just feeling a certain way, I'm following through with it.

My only issue with trying to get away is where do I go? I can't just walk out of this house and stay with a friend, not that I necessarily would if I could. I don't know if I could ever convey with words the desperation that I feel. I need to get away from this place. I need to be transplanted into a different environment, something new. Maybe this is my so-called "need for perfection" talking, but I just feel that being in a new environment that allows me to be solitary would help. I don't know if it actually will, but I want to try and find out. 

I need something to happen soon. I need a break from my habits, I need my world to be thrown upside down so I don't fall back into those habits. That's why I think a new environment would help because it would give me an opportunity to rebuild different habits. Maybe it wouldn't, but I need to try something new.

Back to Old Habits

It's official, I've reverted back to the incredibly stupid habit I gave up over three years ago. Every time I embarrass myself (not matter how small of an embarrassment) I pinch or slap myself and call myself mean names. I swear, I am my own bully. I know how bad it is and I hate myself every single time I do it.

My situation keeps getting worse and worse. My head feels like it will explode any second now and I want everything to stop. I'm not just feeling that way anymore, I NEED more space. I can't go back to school. I can't do any of this any more. I'm just done. D-O-N-E, done! I think I've hit my breaking point, because all of this chaos has driven me insane.

I'm done talking with people to figure it out, I'm done feeling like crap. I don't want to hear any noise, I don't want to speak with anyone and I need to be alone. Make it stop! Please just make it all normal again! I can't take it.

It's so easy for me to jump from one emotion to another, without any warning...even to myself. I'll feel perfectly fine one second, like I'm finally on a stable level, then one little thing will send me back into craziness. Last night, I felt fine. I had a nice chat with my aunt and grandma, and felt 100%. I was happy. Then all of a sudden, I'm finished with all this crap and I want it to stop. I don't know what suddenly made me feel this way or when it started happening. Did I wake up this way? Did something happen at school? I don't know!

Just make it go away. I just want to be done with this.

Finding Help

I call the Kids Help Phone yesterday in the middle of the night because I still couldn't sleep and I actually found it to be pretty helpful. It was a little weird at first since it was my first time trying anything like it, but the guy on the other end gave me some helpful suggestions on how to deal with my trouble-some teacher. I'm almost tempted to give all my teachers the link to this blog so they can try to understand everything a little better, but I'm afraid about what they might think and if they'll take offence to things I've written. Partially because I can be a drama queen at times and I often blog when I'm emotionally unstable or want to rant about something that's bothering me.

I do want to be understood. I so badly want to tell everyone what I'm think and how I'm feeling, but I'm so afraid of what will happen if I do. Will they judge and reject me? I don't know. I wish I could give out this blog address to every extended family member so they can know what I'm thinking. I want to be understood, almost everything I choose to do is about getting people to understand me. I write this blog for that very purpose; my novels showcase different sides and opinions I have and my own journal was written for 'future' people who want to learn more about people of this generation. What is it about me that makes me so hard to understand?

My mind is both my comfort and my curse. I am comforted by its dreams, yet driven insane by its reasoning and the chance for insanity. It worries me that I may one day grow insane. Insanity itself doesn't scare me as much as the possibility of loosing my ability to think, reason and create; that would devastate me. Same with becoming a danger to myself and others by forcing a strict, one-sided idea onto them. I prefer fluidity and the ability to change to fit the needs of people, to the strict, ridged moulds that regulate everyone.

I want less in life. I'd like a smaller house, no TV and no school. The main thing I'd like in life (for now), excluding all non-physical things, is a smaller one-floor, open concept house. That's about it.

Continuation...

I feel as if I should both vent and clarify some things for my sanity. I wrote about my understanding of my childhood and how I can't see the girl I was as myself. I do feel as if they were friends that I was unable to save. I'm sure a lot of people can't really understand the connection to their past self, and feel the same way.

For me, I don't see the transition from girl to girl as an evolution of myself. I see it as a failure of one and the success of another. All civilizations have to end, eventually they are unable to keep up with the demands of a society and a new power must take over. This doesn't necessarily mean that the new power is better than the old one, it only solves a problem the old one couldn't.

My mind continues to feel separated from everything else. It's as if it's the only thing that is myself. I feel almost like the main character in "The Host" by Stephanie Meyer; my body is not my own, but my mind is me. It's a really hard concept for me to explain, but I feel as if I'm only borrowing this body. As if it's only a vehicle that I use to get around. My thoughts lead me to ideas of reincarnation. Traditionally, I've never believed in it, but it feels like my mind has been around many more places than my body.

Which leads me to another thought-jump about different religions. I once watched a documentary about Ancient Egypt and a member of an excavating team said something that I've always found interesting. He believed that all religion steams from the same tree, none are "wrong". Couldn't God appear to different people in different ways? It feels wrong, almost as if I'm betraying my own religion, to believe that. Yet, it makes sense to me. All religions have similar pieces between them like a story of a great flood, an evil serpent and so forth. So, is it so unreasonable to believe that God, using his divine wisdom, decided to appear to people of certain regions in ways that would be understood by them. Just a thought.

I've been way less trusting of people and their opinions lately. I've just noticed it today, but I think it's been going on for awhile. I used to agree with most of my dad's ideas, but right now I feel as if we're not quite on the same wavelength. The things he says, although very reasonable and possibly true, don't feel as if they connect to my particular situation. I understand the reasoning behind them and where he gets the ideas from, but I can't accept anything he says right now. I can't really accept anyone's opinions.

One thing I've always had issues with when my dad and I talk is how he always seems to try and analyze me. Sometimes it can be very useful, but other times it can make me feel as if I'm not conveying my thoughts clearly enough or he just selectively chooses what will fit his ideas. He's always been a great person to talk to and usually understands exactly what I'm going through. Maybe he does now, but my mind won't accept it just yet.

I want to return back to my thought of isolating myself. I'm not sure if I posted it on this blog, but before summer I had the idea that I want to stay in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. I didn't want to have any distractions (no TV, internet), I just wanted to be there by myself with a few recipes, some books to read and a notebook or laptop to record my thoughts. For a weekend or maybe a week, I'd spend my time in silence in a different location away from the clutter of the house (not physical clutter, but the emotional clutter and distractions all around me) with some room to think. I'd really like that now. I just want silence and space with no restrictions on what I can or can't do around someone else's schedule. I don't want those annoying interruptions of having to drive someone somewhere or pick up something from the store. No yells of "clean up this!" or that annoying vacuum cleaner that makes me want to scream out in frustration (I swear, it's like the focus of all my annoyances. Every time I hear it, I have the urge to smash it with a sledgehammer).

One thing I thought was interesting during that conversation with my dad was the idea of volunteering. I think I'd like to do something like that where maybe I could mentor someone or talk with some people one-on-one. I've always wanted to feel a connection with someone younger than me and I'm constantly looking for similarities between myself and my sister or cousins. I want to be able to have someone confide in me freely and understand that I'm here to help them and won't judge. I want to help someone with their emotional issues and just sit there and listen. I've wanted to do something like that for a long while, but I'm just not sure how to go about doing it.

Ok, I think that's all for right now. Hopefully my mind has stabilized enough to give me a few hours of decent sleep.

Illusion vs. Reality

I was listening to my ipod today and came across the song "The Lonely" by Christina Perri. It got me reflecting on my life and I came across the somewhat obvious discovery that I don't view the girl in my childhood to be me. The girl in all the photos who I'm told is me, I don't see her as mine. Heck, my parents could have showed me a picture of my grandmother as a child and told me that she was me and I would have believed it.

I've had many identities over the course of my short years. I don't know where the definite line is drawn between them all, but they are as similar as a dark and light. To me, they're just friends...friends that I was unable to save. I don't know why I think of them as such (don't judge) but that's how I view it. I look back at them, and see their fears and troubles, realizing that there could have been so much done to save them. Those days that they cried internally, unable to let anyone know what was wrong, and I feel as if I should have wrapped my arms around them and told them everything was going to be ok. I didn't, though. I just stood by and watched as they collapsed and a new one took their place.

Just as I cannot see myself as one of those girls, I can't even look at myself in the mirror and see me as this person nor can I attach my name to myself. I swear, I feel faceless and nameless. This is where it gets into that whole grey area. I used to read some people's quotes about where illusion ends and reality begins and I thought they were nut jobs. I believe that the physical world I live in is reality, but my internal thoughts and emotions are up for discussion. How do I know that my thoughts are mine? How do I know that what I'm feeling is what I feel? Am I who I've been told I am, or am I mislead? The things I value are they important? The words I write, whether it be on this blog or in my novels, are they mine? Do I live in a fantasy that is as easily manipulated as one of my stories?

My mind feels separate from everything thing else. From the words typed on this page, the fingers that tapped on the keyboard and the eyes that witnessed it all. Nothing feels concrete, nothing feels like I can truly believe in it. I've never trusted the words of someone to the full 100%, especially when it comes to their view of me, but now everything they say feels like a lie as if they wish to mould me into what they want.

I want so badly to isolate myself. I don't ever want to go back to school, I want to spend every moment thinking and writing. Yet, it is obvious by what I've just written that insanity could easily result from being separated from the rest of the world. For crying out loud, I sound like I'm already on the verge of become a conspiracy theorist. Separating myself from everyone would mean less reality checks. I want silence, I want to be able to do as I want without the need to please someone.

Now for a break from reflection and on to ranting: You know where that last thought comes from? This afternoon I told my mom I was going on a drive to try and clear my mind. I drove around for about half-an-hour before I get a phone call: "Do you have any money on you?", "Nope.", "You want to come here and get my card?", "why?", "I need Tide to do laundry.", "Don't you have the other car there?", "Yeah, but I'm still in my pajamas and don't want to go out."

Lovely conversation. So I drove for 15 minutes to get back home because she was too lazy to change into clothes and get her own laundry detergent. When I say I need to go out to clear my head, that means I don't want to be bothered. That means that I don't want to worry about anything, I just want to think. I don't want to obey any rules, save for the traffic laws. I want a break from my life so I can calm down and think. Being asked to do menial chores that could easily be done by the person who needs it, ticks me off on even on the best of days. When I'm stressed, give me some room and get your own frickin' Tide! Please and Thank-you.

Yay, More Inner Chaos!

A week ago, I wrote this in my notebook while at school:

"I'm currently at a very delicate emotional level, one on which I rest on the edge of extreme sadness and depression. Little things have the potential to make me plummet into a turbulent sea where all my energy is devoted merely to fight against the waves of emotions that crash down over my head and threaten to take me under. I feel very unstable and at times I think of pushing everyone outside of my immediate circle away because of the fear of judgement and dragging them down with me. In some regards, I'd rather not deal with people than risk being rejected by them. To reject is often easier than being rejected."

What can I say about this? Dramatic, yes. Chessy, heck yes! That little bit about plummeting was me using all of the cheesy analogies and filing it under 'creative license'. Ok, so I do realize that it was written during a not so great period and a lot of teenage dramatics were thrown in. However, it leads me to say: I WAS RIGHT! 

Grrr...I hate being right. I have officially jumped head-first off of that edge with the goal of drowning myself. If you've noticed, I haven't written for a bit because I was at an almost stable point. Stability decided to go on vacation this weekend and left me to fend for myself. I have re-entered a chaotic mindframe, and I'm back to jumping back and forth between topics that leave me more confused than ever. 

My sister has been a great annoyance to me of late. She's been going on and on about moving back to Manitoba. It bothers me that she places the small town we used to live in on a pedestal and views it as a utopia when I think there are so many issues there. I find it to be more of a disillusioned society that shelters itself from the rest of the world. I do not regret ever living there because it did allow me to build a strong moral foundation, however,  ti is drastically different from the outside world and that makes moving away a culture-shock for people. There, the town becomes a vortex that sucks everyone back in; people leave, are afraid and come back. 

As a shy, closed individual I understand that desperate need for a safety bubble, but to forfeit you dreams and your potential for comfort reduces you to nothing. Gosh, I feel like such a hypocrite now. I love my safety bubble, but I do feel like it doesn't hold me back...much. All the things that I want, I can do so on my own. I realize that this sounds like the exact same thing anyone in that small down would say to defend their own choice to live there. This is the hard thing with life, how can we ever know what is reality or illusion?

I do understand the benefits of living in a closed community, but I also know of the benefits of living somewhere with a lot of varied people with different ideas. Another thing I both hate and love about my mind: my need to understand both sides of an argument and my inability to choose one. It would be so much easier to have a one-sided view, but having that would prove dangerous and debilitating to society. Stupid "nothing good comes easy" rule!

Ok, so now I have vent again. Do I feel any better? No. All my usual coping techniques are failing once again. Heck, I can barely sleep at night because I'm busy debating everything from politics to people's mindsets. It wouldn't be as much of a problem if I was only debating one at a time, but I like to jump from topic to topic. 

Anyway, thanks to the digital world for letting me create my blog of depression. :P 

-Asiemens

Down in the Dumps...Again

Today, I'm not doing so well. Once again, I've gotten worse health-wise. At least I've been getting my appetite back, although I'm very picky about what I feel I can it. No soups that aren't stock based, no take-out, no pizza, no fried anything, etc.

Emotionally, I've taken another descent into the realm of chaos. I'm not sure what test is used to diagnosis depression, but I'm pretty sure I'm getting close. I don't want to go outside and I've actually debating dropping out of school. A bit of an over-reaction, but I have no desire to go to school at all. I'm not going to drop out, because I know that a good education is needed, but I've really been re-evaluating what I want to do in the future.

I'm scared. I'm scared that my choices right now are the result of emotions and that I'll wind up regretting them in the near future. I'm scared that I might have lost too much weight. I'm scared that my life will wind up being worthless. For my English class, I've been reading "The Stone Angel" and it deals with an elderly woman named Hagar who reflects back at her life. I don't like it, most likely because it deals with my own fears of regretting my life and to be someone who once had such hope, but becomes nothingness. I've actually stopped reading the book a few chapters from the end because it's made me feel more terrible than I already do.

I want to cry right now and laugh, because I feel like such a crazy person. Forget about waiting till I'm 50 to be the crazy dog lady, my white fluffy pup and I already have that covered. He's almost as psycho as I am. ;) I want to talk to someone who won't lecture me. I just want someone to listen and not interrupt me. As the crazy person I am, I feel like everyone I talk to about this is judging me. Like I'm stupid and an emotional idiot. I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know what to do to make it better and I desperately need some help. That last statement does contradict my "do not interrupt or lecture me" thought, which may indicate my stupidity.

I'm on skype right now, waiting for my friend to call me. I've been waiting to talk to her for almost two weeks and I feel as if I'm going to explode unless I speak with her. It's not her fault that we haven't been able to talk. She's always been busier than I and she's too sweet to ignore me on purpose. A little blond maybe, but that's why I love her. :) I'm sad that I wasn't there when she got baptized this last weekend. I'm sad that I won't ever get to live near her again; that we'll never get to hang out at each other's houses on the weekend and go to the same school. We both have very different life-paths and sometimes I worry that we'll just lose each other as we move forward.

I've got to stop before I burst into tears. I'm sorry for all the downers lately and I hope that I'll be able to break out of it soon.

To give myself a little bit of hope:

I failed my way to success.
-Thomas Edison


Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.
-William Ellery Channing


Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
-Bernadette Devlin

Thoughts

So, for the past week I've been writing down a lot of my thoughts in order to ease the chaos that currently has set up residence in my head and refused to move out even with all the eviction notices I've sent it. Anyway, I figured I might as well share a few for the sake of doing so. I do realize that I may or have in the past made the same mistakes that I rant on and so forth. As far as you're considered, these were written during a period of emotional struggle and I'm lucky that they make any sense at all. Plus a few were written in Social Studies which explains the tone and the random insertion of politics. Enjoy!

Give me a moment alone with my thoughts and I shall reimburse you with many more. What you think and how you use them was never my concern.

Judge me by my exterior and be deprived of the true, reflective person underneath.

Remember the moments of sorrow lest you return to them. Recall the moments of happiness lest you forget them.

Listen to the words that remain unspoken because silence creates more than mindless chatter.

Let the words flow from the soul and spread their wings without restrictions or care of what others will think.

In English we are taught to write analytical and unbiased essays; in reality, no one can fully remove themselves from any piece of writing. We cover up this fact by using big, irrelevant words that successfully confuse even the most attentive individual and drown the reflective ones in a bottomless sea of bullshit. Although, in some cases, we must attempt to remain neutral, we should always aim for the words with the most meaning rather than use the empty words to give oneself an air of pompous condescension and imaginary self-worth.

There will always be conflict; we can never expect to have a harmonious world. It’s depressing to think so, but I find that all people cannot work together. Different ideas, influenced by childhood experience and the company one keeps, will always be in conflict with one another. Eventually, just like Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” theory, an idea will be overcome by another; someone must always win. The losing idea may still remain in bits and pieces, but will be over-powered by the winner and its influence. This does not mean that the losing idea cannot be revived and, if the idea holds merit, over time it will be. However, the process of revival is slow. If the quick revival and acceptance of an idea were to occur, it will always be caused by forced and aggressive conflict.

Always question your thoughts and ask where they came from. Be aware of what influences you and learn about the opposing views. Refrain from discrediting them immediately, think about them and realize why they came about. Rather sit on the fence than fall into the gnashing teeth of the rabid dogs on either side. Being a moderate does not mean the lack of decision, but the educated ideas of one who understands both sides better than they do themselves. Those looking for a quick and easy answer, and those who offer it, are fools asking to be bitten and turned into a rabid, brain-dead beast themselves. Their lives will be short-lived, but full of the spreading of the disease and unimportance. No matter how long it took to build a spot on the fence, these dogs can tear it down in minutes. Why do we bother than? Because it is better to try and fail in order to better society than to succeed through lies and decaying humanitarianism. A year of peace and humanitarian living is more beneficial than a decade of stable dictatorship. 

Pas d'appétit

Well, today has been kinda weird. I'm in a better mood and have started to find ways to de-stress. Writing random ranting blogposts is one of them, in case you haven't realized this. I've also started to read books again. I don't think I've read a novel for leisure in around 2 years. I tried, but my own writing kinda took over. So, my reading choices for the last 2 years have been either manga, non-fiction or books for my L.A. class. However, yesterday I finally started reading again...and I liked it! Usually, I've attempted to read a book but haven't been able to finish it because I either my mind likes to wander.

In other news, my appetite has been weird. I can't think of food without becoming disgusted and feeling nauseous, yet at random points I'll actually get the desire to eat something and as long as I don't think too much about it, I can eat a little bit. For breakfast, I had some toast and I managed to eat something for lunch, but for supper, i could only manage one samosa. Imagine someone forcing you to eat something utterly revolting and the entire time you were doing your best not to vomit all over the counter...yeah, that's how I felt trying to eat that samosa and it tasted good! Needless to say, I'm getting kinda worried.

I'm tired of being tired. I wake up and feel exhausted already an hour later. Every time I start to relax, my eyelids begin to droop and my breathing starts to get slower, which is the prelude to my deep sleep. Even right now, I feel like I have giant bags under my eyes (but I don't, I checked!).

That's all for now, because I'm too darn tired to write any more. ;)
-Asiemens

Just Plan O'Struggling

For the past two months, I have felt like crap. Recently I was diagnosed with colitis which still frustrates and confuses me because I don't have access to the information or support I need. I have yet to sit down and speak with a gastrointestinal specialist, and there isn't enough information on the web to satisfy my questions.

I feel constantly like a human bomb, just waiting to go off in someone's face. I'm either extremely angry or I want to cry all the time. I'm tired of faking happy. I just want to be miserable. I don't want to build any new relationships, I don't want to date and I don't want 'strange' people around. In the same breath, I want my extremely close family and friends to stop and listen for just a moment. Put away all you stupid electronic devices, forget about that stack of paper on the table, stop cleaning and just give me a hug. Stop and take the time to listen to me, to try and see how I feel. I need someone to shut up and listen, not to lecture me or to be a pompous, condescending jackass who feels the need to tell me what the heck I'm doing wrong. I don't give a shit. I just want someone to care.

I'm tired of going to school. I don't want to be there, I don't want to sit amidst the superficial idiots and listen to a ranting teacher try to teach me something I will never use. I want to be able to take the course I want, just the ones I'm interested without having to fulfill some sort of requirement. I just want to learn, I don't want to be judged or forced to be apart of something that I don't care about.

I'm tired of driving my brother and sister around. I'd rather give up my driver's license and walk to school than have my life interrupted every time they need to be somewhere. I didn't choose to do the activities they want to be apart of, and I most certainly didn't choose to become the 3rd parents who is always lacking respect and is treated like shit. So, dear parents, take my frickin' license (please do) and make your kids walk or make time to drive them yourselves. Also, please pay me back. All the little amounts of money I've been forced to give out, I want back. Those $5s and $10s add up quick, and I would like to be able to buy lunch at the flipping fantastic cafeteria at school (no kidding, it is the best food ever!!!).

So, there it is...my current rant. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed finally getting it off my chest, since this is the only bloody way anyone will listen to me. I'm sure I have missed various other pet-peeves, but we'll have to save them for some other time.

Farewell and remember, I'm not anti-social because I can't be social, but because the rest of the world is full of idiots.
-Asiemens

Plautdietsch

Right now, I'm really struggling with something. My parents and most members of my dad's side of the family speck Plautdietsch, which is essential the Mennonite language. I am Mennonite, and I don't like the fact that I can't speak Plautdietsch which I perceive to be a part of Mennonite culture. I have asked my parents in the past to teach me and they haven't. My mom tried for a little while to answer my questions on how to say certain things, but she says she's not that fluent in it. And unfortunately, there is no online course or tool to help you learn.

To be honest, in some ways I'm pissed that my parents didn't teach me it growing up. It would have been so much easier. I grew up listening to it, and I know some words and understand what is trying to be conveyed when some speaks it, but I don't know how.

This goes back to another issue I've been dealing with, which is the dying out of cultures and evolving society. Should we just let it happen? Is it the natural course of life to let languages and cultures die out? To what extent should we try and keep the culture or language? It feels wrong to let something die out, considering that we still have pieces from ancient Egypt, Greece, Rome, etc, but should we let it happen.

I feel like I should speak Plautdietsch. Maybe I would like to because it would make me different and unique, maybe I just have a desire to be connected to something from the past or maybe I just want to feel more Mennonite. I really don't know. Either way, I'm upset that I don't know it, and I'm upset that my parents didn't teach me when I was younger and won't teach me now.

-Asiemens

Child of Eternity

Here's a look at my newest project. Now, if you remember my first article (on vampires) I did some more research into it and came up with a pretty awesome idea. At least, I'm happy about it. I wanted to do something different so I came up with this idea of an Egyptian vampire. Ok, a bit weird. I know, but I think it'll be fun to write. Here's the intro into the story. (A huge thanks to people on writerscafe.org for letting me win some awards. Little things make my day)

The torches flickered as I walked by, down the cold, dank passageway. Flanking me on both sides were two of the men who had created this marvel and gifted it to me. One an architect, and the other the master builder. They were the only two who knew all the secrets to my underground palace other than myself, and for that they would pay.

The two men showed me around trying to impress me with the skill in which my palace was built. I wasn't entirely impressed, but it would have to do. After all, it was the best mortals could do.

I would rid the world of all morals if they were not so essential. They were the essence of life, an almost an ambrosia for immortals. Without them we would not be immortal. Instead we would fade away into little piles of dust. Disgusting little buggers.

Sadly, I was not yet immortal. I still had to suffer in this infernal form before I could truly live. My father, Ra, placed this curse on me as a punishment. In order to regain my immortality, I was forced to live a mortal life.

Being mortal repulsed me. Every time I looked into my polished, bronze mirror I felt ill. Mortals are such weaklings. They are like fragile pots; even if you try to put them back together they are still disfigured. Mortality was a plague of stupidity and death. They were fools. All those mortals were fools. Luckily they died soon enough; such a short and meaningless life span.

"This is your throne room, your highness." The architect practically leaped over the builder to say so.

I looked around. It wasn't bad. In fact, I had to admit that the mortals did a pretty good job. However, they had made an error. Beside my throne were two life-sized Anubis statues.

At first I was ready to make them pay for such a grievous error, but I soon had to chuckle at the irony. Anubis helped on the mortals journey into the afterlife and I was never going to the afterlife. At least, I wouldn't complete it. I would defeat him and take from him an eternity. We were enemies of the worst kind.

"Well done." I told them. They beamed with pride. Arrogant little buggers. Like they could ever accomplish any great feat without a superior leader to guide their hand.
I frowned at their arrogance and pride. "Unfortunately, your task is not yet finished." They stared at me, wide-eyed with their mouths hanging open. "I require more."

I stepped towards them, grinning as they tried not to turn and flee. Maybe they knew what was coming. Maybe their tiny brains had broken through the confines of their mortality and had suddenly realized what awaited them.

I lunged towards one, pulling a hidden dagger to his throat and drawing it across. Blood spurted everywhere, and he fell down to the ground, a gash in his throat. I turned to the second one. He started to plead and beg like those substandard beings that all mortals are. I didn't care. Before long, he joined his bloodied friend on the floor.

I knelt down and dipped my flinger in the still warm blood. I pressed it to my lips and tasted. It was good, so full of life and fresh. I couldn't wait till the day when I could drink from their veins and gain power. I licked my lips just thinking of it.

I climbed up to my feet and walked out of the throne room, glancing back only to admire and envy for what could have been and what was. Walking down the passageway, for the first time I noticed how the air was still and musky; smelling like that of an ancient tomb. I smiled, knowing that it was not yet ancient, but I knew that all to soon in the life of an immortal it would be. Death wasn't going to stop me. In face, death would free me. I would finally be an immortal one; a child of eternity.