In a few months I'll be heading back to my original home town to visit my family and friends, and I am exceptionally nervous. I will admit, I still hold some internal and semi-irrational grudges towards that town. Not that I really enjoyed my young adult years in this new one either. :P I never enjoyed the really religious feel of that small town, with lots "I'll pray for you"s or "It's God's will"s, and I enjoy it even less now that I have deviated from the religion I grew up with.
I feel as if I should be ashamed of the path I've chosen because I have disappointed so many people (even though a lot of people don't know it yet), but I refuse to just denounce my own thoughts for the sake of someone else's. It still hurts though to know that you've caused your parents' disappointment, yet I know that they hurt too because in their eyes I suppose I've gone down the wrong path.
At the exact same time, I have a hard time understanding why it effects them so much. I haven't used my beliefs or thoughts to belittle them or used them in hate. I haven't forced it upon them and I'm happy to answer any of their questions. I haven't kept it a secret, I've been completely open. It's not a cult (which I loosely define as having a charismatic all-knowing leader that gets followers to cut off their ties to everything outside of the group) and it's not a way of rebelling.
Just having a different view disappoints them and it's really hard for me to understand because I've felt Christianity pushed on me. I was not given a choice but Christianity, although I really appreciate my parents understanding of my struggle with it. I have people saying they'll pray for me or that God and Satan are waging a war in my mind, and I just have to accept it because "it's the intention that matters". Yet if I even dared to wear a pentagram, I don't think I'd even be allowed in their house. (FYI, the pentagram is not a sign of Satanism, the reversed pentagram is. Like the reversed cross, the reversed pentagram in modern use represents the opposite of the original symbol)
But I have to just accept it. Because it's their house and they have their rules. Somedays I think I can't wait to own my own house so I can force them to remove their cross and stare at my pentagram just out of spite, although I would never do so. It frustrates me that my parents won't allow tarot cards in their house, but I go along with it because of social expectations and I don't want them to feel like my spiritual view supersedes my respect for them (It doesn't, I value my family above all else).
I'd really like to come out with every one. I'd like to display that secret pagan board on Pinterest and wear a silver pentagram around my neck. But I don't think people are ready to understand it. Honestly, I feel that if I were to reveal it now, I would need to book a hotel room for my visit because I won't be allowed to stay in anyone's house.
Because of that, I don't really want to go. It hurts me that simply being honest about having a different view will completely change their perspective of me, although I don't entirely blame them. Yet, I hate the double standards. I can almost imagine not being allowed to talk to my young cousins (even though I would never bring up my own spirituality other than to say it's different if asked by them. The general view is not to convert and to wait until a child is eighteen before engaging in conversations about it if you're not their parent). I cannot say I'll pray for them unless I pray to their God (which doesn't really make sense because their god is a form of the divine, so they're very much the same), I cannot openly display my spirituality for fear of offending them, and I have to be afraid of losing them.
It's a very nerve-wrecking situation, that I'm not entirely sure how to deal with. I guess it'll just have to be a secret until I'm fully self-sufficient. Which is another 5 years... sigh
