Questions I Have Yet to Answer

I'm going to attempt to do a semi-positive post today. Gasp! I know, it's beyond shocking. Me, positive? The world is truly ending this month. My aunt asked me a question yesterday that I still haven't found the answer to. Or have, but it's not a very solid answer. So, I thought why not sure some of the questions that have been posed to me. The majority of these, I don't have an answer to. So, bear with me. ;)

My aunt had asked me, "What makes you feel loved?". It sounded simple, but it's always those simple ones that throw me for a loop. I've been feeling very emotionally levelled, meaning lately I've been very emotionless and have a bleak outlook at times. So, my first thought was "Have I ever truly felt loved?". I'm still in emotionless mode, and love is an emotion so I haven't been able to pinpoint a lot of exact moments, but reason tells me that I have felt loved. (I'd also like to acknowledge at this point, that my parents and family members are extremely loving and I've had an excellent life. So, no fault on their part!)

After thinking about it so hard that my brain nearly burst, the best I could come up with is the random, spontaneous things that you don't see coming make me feel loved. Even just the tiniest things, like someone paying for my coffee (tea or chai latte in my case) make me feel loved, and the person didn't even try! My mom once woke me up one morning when I was still pretty sick and handed me a chai latte. That blew me away, and still does! When I was little, I had a lot of nightmares, so my dad told me to make up stories in my head to help me get to sleep. That's probably the single piece of advice I love the most. I still do it, and use it as a coping mechanism when I'm stressed.

I like things that aren't done because it's customary, something spontaneous and has meaning to me. The person may not know they've made me feel loved, but when they do it without feeling like they have to, it means a lot to me.

Another couple of questions, I've come across is in regards to my anxiety is "who made you feel worthless" or "what I am protecting myself form". I'd have to say that I have a tendency to make myself feel worthless. I'm extremely harsh and judgemental of myself, I know this and believe me I'm trying to work on it. Someone may trigger something, by making fun of my makeup or outfit, and I take to whole new level. I will spent hours criticizing every little detail of that conversation and mentally hitting myself for looking like an idiot or embarrassing myself. It wasn't my problem, someone else was being an idiot. I'm still trying to remember that whenever I feel judged or criticized. If I like the way I look, no one else's opinion should matter.

I also don't know how to answer that second question. I don't know what I'm protecting myself from. Embarrassment, public humiliation? Those are my only two guesses. I have a hard time stepping out of my comfort zone (most people do) and I have a hard time making myself vulnerable. I only like being the centre of attention if it's for something I feel control in. For example, presenting or teaching a subject to a class. I love it. I like sharing the information I've gathered, it makes me feel very happy and confident. At a party, I'd rather slink away into the background or be glued to a friend's side.

I've probably mentioned this before, but a previous therapist of mine asked me "Is a person ever worthless?" It arose when I told her, I felt worthless because I didn't have a job and was having trouble with school. I was also afraid I'd spend the rest of my life living with my parents and never doing anything of value. I thought about it for a week straight, and finally came up with no. As long as I am able to think, I'm not worthless. Most of my work is done mentally; I like to think, write and read. You're not going to see physical results for those most of the time.

I'm not saying that I don't ever want to have a job, as I wrote in my last post, I'd really like the freedom it offers. My problem is getting myself there. In happy news, I did manage to hand in a resume the other day. My aunt and I were at DQ and she spontaneously asked me if I could ask for an application form. Spontaneous and something I like to avoid usually ends up with me staring into space like a deer in headlights. And yes, at first I was just like that. I did manage to make up the courage to go to the counter, got an application form, and filled it out, handing it in before I left. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I actually felt really confident.

My aunt has been great in helping me over come some of my fears about handing in resumes. I admitted that I often lied about handing in resumes, just because I didn't want to disappoint someone or look stupid. She suggested a code phrase that I could say every time I felt like lying about it, so that she would know that it's the time to be a bit more gentle with me.

It blew me away because I had tended to look at job applications as you hand it in, you succeed or you don't hand it in, you're a failure. There was never this grey area of, I tried. I never stopped to think about why I was unable to hand in a resume or what happened to prevent me from accomplishing my goal. All I know about past attempts was, tried and failed. Not why I failed. Or what I could do differently to allow me to succeed.

Either way, I'm feeling more optimistic today. Even if I have to hand in two resumes tomorrow. It shall be done!

Archery, Indecisiveness and Over-Thinking

So, random thought of the day: I'd like to learn how to use a bow and arrow. I loved archery the very few times I got to try it at some camp or something, and ever since have wanted to learn more. I haven't really told a lot of people about this desire of mine, partially because when ever I say something random like that, people think I'm joking or it's my interest of the week. Now, that could very well be. Maybe it is just one of my random desires that will disappear and rewaken the next time I watch a Robin Hood movie. Somedays I can't tell if it's just an impulse want or not.

The other reason is, for the last few years we've had a small yard and I can be very shy. By that I mean, I almost need a bow, target and a few arrows so I can learn by myself in the backyard because I'd be far to nervous to go somewhere to learn all by myself. I could be wrong, but I doubt that any member of my immediate family would want to go with me. I say immediate family because my friend group is limited and I don't think the two close friends of mine would be interested. (Note: I like having a small group of friends and have no desire to become more 'popular'). Either way, I'm sad that I can't just set something up in my backyard and start practicing. If I could, there would be archery-related things all over my Christmas list. :P

Going back to my random impulse to learn some new random thing (it happens a lot), it makes it insanely hard to settle on something. When I go shopping, I know exactly what clothes I want or what kinds of things I like. I'm very decisive when it comes to stuff like that. However, when it comes to my goals in life, I am the most indecisive person in the universe and I hate it. It is so frickin' irritating not knowing what the heck to do with yourself. The best goal I got is "get a job", which I actually would like to accomplish (it would be a lot more freeing to have extra money lying around, not to mention something to get my ass out of the house), but suck at working towards.  I procrastinate and skirt around the issue like it's my job. And my excuses are pathetic:

Hand in resumes today? Naw, I don't feel like putting on makeup today. It's more of a Friday activity. Don't feel like getting dressed up. I forgot and now it's too late in the day. It's after 5 and during the worst shopping time, don't feel like looking like an idiot in front of a crowd. Etc, etc, etc!

That's not even including my actual attempts. I can't count how many times I've done my make up, put on something nice and driven to the place only to chicken out and drive right on by. Maybe I'll actually go into the store and just wander around because I can't work up the courage to hand my resume to the person at the counter. Or, I'll manage to get myself to the counter, but wuss out at the last minute and buy a chocolate bar instead.

So, that's how the job quest is going. And the worst part is, I'll lie to people about it. My mom asks how the job hunt is going, I'll tell her I just handed in a few resumes. Yeah, I handed those things in a month ago and haven't bothered since. Or, I'll just try and avoid the subject completely by shrugging and going "haven't gotten a call back". No duh, I haven't handed anything in for a month! Granted, I have handed in a quite a few resumes and just haven't gotten a call back for any of them, but after that random spurt of bravery, I don't bother going back to hand in another. So, sorry parents. Your daughter has been lying to you and, to be truthful, doesn't see herself handing in anything anytime soon. She knows she has issues and that she needs the responsibility, so giving her another lecture will result in eye-rolling and probably an argument.

I have no idea what I want to do for school. I have no idea what kind of job I'd like after post-secondary. I don't know what kinds of beliefs I have. I don't know how to take people's advice. I am feeling insanely lost. All I want is a goal, it doesn't have to be big, but I need one. Even having another novel to write would be awesome, but I can't decide which one to write next! I hate the fact that my days revolve around googling things on the internet and just reading every article I can find. I can't even get myself to finish one of the books I've picked up from the library. Not to mention that I'm not sure when I'll move back in with my parents. Right now, I'm bouncing from relative's house to relative's house. It's so frustrating!

I know this comes from over-thinking and not shutting my brain off. I got that. I'm very aware of what's good or not good for me, I just have a hard time figuring out how to stop these bad habits. I just don't know how and it's a very helpless feeling. My dad keeps telling me to do stuff, volunteer and to act rather than think my way out. I sorta get what he's saying but at the same time it's like a foreign language. I need a goal before I can act; a solid one that won't disappear in a few days. How can I act if I don't know what to act on? It's like "Ok, I'll act. Now what? Do I write a novel, or learn archery, or go to school, or get a job, or learn to sew, or learn to cook, etc?"

Either way, I'm starting to reach the point where I'm tired of talking to people about my problems because I keep getting the same answers that are no use to me. I feel like I'm back where I was a few months ago, just feeling helpless and not knowing how to get out. I don't even know how I pulled myself out of this mood back then. The level of frustration is so hard to convey in words. I could use a poetic "falling into the fit of despair and being surrounded by a heavy veil of darkness so thick and confusing that I can't find a way to pull myself out", but it's almost too corny to me. It's more fit for a fictional story that to describe my life or feelings, or so it seems.

Sigh, so that's my update. Don't you love how I get the desire to write only when I'm in a depressed mood?