Giving up?

I know I wrote in a previous post (again, I'm too lazy to go back and figure out exactly which one) that I was going to make myself read a few books on Christianity as a last ditch effort. Now I'm wondering if I'm too far gone for that. I was talking to a few people about what I struggled with and as I described the Bible, it hit me that while I enjoyed the history, I hated the actual stories of people. To me it feels like mythology or a child's storybook. Some myth like Santa Claus that has been retold and dramatized to provide more entertainment for the viewing audience.

Don't misunderstand me, I don't look at Christians as brainwashed idiots for believing in it, I"m just telling you how I feel when I think of the Bible. I can't exactly travel back in time and prove or disprove all the stories in the Bible, so for all I know I could be the idiot.

My point is, how can I believe in a Christianity when I don't believe in its most important source? Is it even worth it to continue trying? I know, that as soon as you start thinking of giving up, it usually means you will, which concerns me. A relationship with God isn't worrisome, I find more comfort in that, but the Bible to me seems like a wall I can neither go over or through to reach Him. I suppose I'm very cautious and don't like placing my trust in a book. You can tell me God gave people the inspiration to write it, but people still wrote it, and then translated it, and translated it again and again. Not to mention over the course of history, how many parts of the Bible have been lost or added as filler or to further a political stance? People are corruptible and I have a hard time believing that the Bible has never been touched by that corruption.

I'm starting to think I'm a very negative person. Maybe because I've watched far to many crime shows, I've been left very wary of people. You know that "everyone is a suspect" line, I may have been taking that too literally...

Doggy Withdrawal

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that when I moved I found myself missing my dog more than my family, not that I don't love my family. Well, it's been a few months and I still find myself missing him like crazy! It's horrible, absolutely horrible! I'm writing this very early in the morning because as I was lying in my bed, I couldn't stop thinking about my puppy. It is a little sad, I know.

It's gotten to the point where I see a dog in a movie or out on the street and I'll spend the next few hour lamenting on the fact that I don't have on. I just want to pet and hug and love a dog. I really, really do. Why, you ask, don't you just get a dog then? Excellent question random web user, because I'm currently living with some extended family members who are very against having a dog in their house or on their yard. Trust me, I've tried. And tried and tried.

I have the possibility of moving in with an aunt who would be for having a dog, however it's going to cost some money to get one from the shelter. Contrary to my child-like mind's belief, they are not free if you rescue them. You still need to pay for all the vaccinations and such that the dog received at the shelter. Stupid rules.

So, here comes the fun part that speaks to my desperation. I am going to get a job, save up a bunch of money and buy a dog. Not only that, but my groggy brain is now explaining to me that I'll have to move here semi-permantly (originally, it was just for a few months, but now I'm thinking a year or more) for my future dog that I have yet to hold in my arms and love. Here's why, because back at home my puppy is an anti-social, yappy idiot (that I adore!) who would probably tear a new puppy to shreds, even though he's a little guy. So, my brain has informed me that a longer stay would be required to train a new puppy before introducing it to the devil dog that I haven't been able to love or hug and is making me go through all this doggy withdrawal.

Stupid emotions making me miss things. I need a do so badly! It's so hard to get how desperate I am across to people. They take it as a joke, but it hurts so much not to have a dog to love. Honestly, I can't even look at dogs anymore because it makes me far too sad and just leaves me with the mantra "I need a dog, I need a dog, I need a dog" that never shuts up! I've gotten to the point of hugging cats! I hate cats! I even have a favourite now. It doesn't even have a name, but I like it better than the other black cat that hangs around this house. I really don't like cats, but I'll hug nearly any type of animal companion. Reptiles, insects and birds excluded. Pretty much any type of loving furry mammal I would take. Notice the pretty much, there are exclusions there.

Ugh! Help me, I need a puppy. This sucks!

My Struggles with Christianity

'Sup random web-users and a few people I do know that are beginning to think I need some serious help. Guess what? I've been feeling frustrated and confused again! Yay! Yes, I do know that pretty much the entire course of this blog has been about confusion. Welcome to my chaotic life, you may want to leave before I drag you into the pit of despair.

Truth be told, I'm not really in despair at the moment. I actually feel relatively cool and calm, which is slightly shocking. I'm also relatively happy. What weird alien creature has taken over my body, you ask? I'm hoping a really cool one that plans to take me to its planet it to be revered as a wise and superior individual. Fingers crossed!

What am I here today to complain about? Excellent question, I'm glad you've asked. It continues the religious debate I had in my last post. And there goes all the random web-users leaving only the people I know to shake their heads whist sighing. I love you guys too! :) You may wish to preserve your delicate belief that I am doing things the way you'd be comfortable with by leaving this page now.

I don't think I'm a Christian. I mean, I haven't called myself a Christian in several months, but I still tried to fight to be one. Again, this is mostly based on the people within Christianity verses the actual religion (although there are quite a few parts of the religion I do struggle with. Yeah, I'm talking about the Bible. I'll get to that in a minute). I realize that people shouldn't be the ones who get to decide my own view on a religion. I get that, but I think everyone must admit that those around you need to be compatible for a mutual friendship to work. By compatible, I don't mean they have to like the same things you do or believe the way you believe, I mean that there has to be a connection. You can't hang around people who belittle or constantly judge you, you want to hang out with people who accept and have compassion for you.

Though Christianity preaches love and forgiveness, I usually regard the people who practice Christianity as hypocrites who preach hatred. I understand if you don't agree with someone's beliefs. I get that. But you still must show them some respect and treat them as if they have some value. You can't spend your entire life judging someone who is a little different and saying that they're going to hell. No, bad Christian! Stop judging and start showing some compassion. How can you expect people to want to be Christian if you're spending your time making them feel bad? I find myself far more willing to at least learn more about something if you approach me with kindness and respect than an all out verbal war. I've met some fantastic Christians who do that, but I see far to many that don't.

That could be because once you start looking for bad things you're going to find them. If you start looking for faults with a fine-toothed comb you're going to find tons of them, I understand. That's what I've been busy doing. I have been nit-picking. So, here comes another one of those semi-embarrassing moments where I get to say that I may have been over-analyzing some things and may be biased in someways. Shut up, it happens.

So, the people are a big factor and so is the Bible. I don't really see the Bible as a rule book. I, personally, have a hard time doing so for various reasons. First off, it was written by people not God. God may have given them the inspiration to write, but it was people's words. By the same account, couldn't any book written by a pastor inspired by God be of similar worth. I have a hard time understanding the Creation story, but I have a hard time understanding any creation story (includes scientific theories) because it will never be proven. Ever. We will never know how this universe came to be.

I also don't like the book of Revelation. Not because it scares me or is confusing as heck, but because I have a hard time wrapping my head around how a compassionate and forgiving God turns on people and obliterates the world. What about the younger people who live at that time, they wouldn't have had much of an opportunity to discover God. Some people only accept him in old age. But these young people wouldn't have as much time before they're doomed to suffer because they didn't have a chance to discover Him. I asked someone and they told me that the appeal of God would be so much stronger in that time, but the verdict's still out on that one for me.

I see the Bible more as a collection of thoughts by some very wise people and a historical record. I do not see it as the end-all holy book that must be obeyed to the letter and more as a guide where you don't have to agree with everything said, but offers some advice. I think it is a very valuable book, even if you're not Christian.

Anyway, I'll stop musing because I am losing my train of thought and that usually is not good. End point is the same as my last posts: I do not see myself becoming a Christian any time soon, if at all.

Tainted Religion

I think I'm done being logical for awhile. I say that now as I feel stressed and overwhelmed, but for some reason I have a voice giggling and saying "yeah right. Even this post will be filled with logical back-and-forth arguments." I'm not so fond of this voice right now, I think she may be in cahoots with both Reason and Logical Thought.

For the sake of my three com-pain-ions (Haha, see what I did there. It's ok to chuckle, I'm doing it right now. Yes, I do laugh at my own jokes), I feel as if I should aid a disclaimer. This should probably go for all posts on this blog: past, present and future. First off, what I write is what I'm feeling at the moment. It doesn't represent the entire course of my life or full spectrum of emotions. If it did, then this blog would represent a depressed and somewhat neurotic individual who is emotionally unstable and self-absorbed. While I am self-absorbed about 75% of the time, I like to pretend that I have control over my emotions. Since what I write is "in the moment", I will have many embarrassing moments that start with "There is a chance that I was wrong...". Also, for all you nit-picking readers (DAD!), I cannot cover all my bases in just a single post. It would take an entire novel to backtrack and include every possible vantage point. I still love you nit-pickers (Dad), but try not to read between the lines. Sometimes an author chooses to make a character wear black because it was the first colour to pop into her head, not as a symbol of mourning over the downfall of society and the rules imposed on people to make them fit into society (aka- loss of colour or loss of individuality). Sorry, it's true.

Whew! Anyway, the point of this post was to be completely open and honest about my religious struggles and my current state. I'm feeling very mad and helpless right now. I wish that I hadn't been raised in a particular religious group because even though I try to see it as something freeing, I can't help but see it as a restrictive idea. I feel as if the idea of spirituality has been polluted for me, as if my spiritual mind has been violated and dirtied, by the people I grew up with. I wasn't given a chance to find it on my own, my mind was molded with particular religious ideas imbedded in me and now that I'm looking for something spiritual, I'm still stuck with thoughts of how I should be not what I want to be.

It's horrible, because I can't break free. I can't explore other religions, I can't think of my childhood religion in any other light and I can't find peace in anything. I forever stuck on this repeating loop filled with guilt, habit and bitterness. I can't think of Christianity as anything other than what has been shown to me, even though I'm trying so hard to look. It ruined it for me. It's so frustrating, because now no matter what I choose, I will have to work through all this shit people have created for me. If I did it to myself, then I could understand the consequences and realize that I am to blame. But this sucks! It's like getting in trouble for something you didn't do and having to sit through your punishment while those who did it are out playing with their friends.

In all honesty, I don't want to be Christian. It doesn't feel right. I don't have the desire to learn more about and I feel little connection to it. The only reason I'm trying so hard to be it, is because it would cause far less guilt and disappointment for my friends and family, and I wouldn't been criticized for it. It's only for their sake that I'm trying. I don't hate it as a religion or spiritual path, I know many sincere and loving people who get comfort and happiness from it and I'm very happy for them. However, I don't see a spot for me in it. I can't imagine myself being happy with it and although I'm sure that it can be completely different from what I've known, it's always going to be tainted by my past experiences.

I've tried so hard to redeem it. And yes, I was very bitter for awhile. I far less bitter now and can see that it does good and isn't just filled with hypocrites. I have no desire to read any literature on it, but I'll try so I can at least say I've tried everything before giving up. I want to believe what I want and I've found some ideas I really agree with, but feel as if I can't accept them because it would disappoint my family. Because if I did I would be rejecting a big part of all their lives, and make people take a step back and see me as someone who is crazy or out-there. Everyone I've talked to says they hope my final outcome will be Christian. That's what they wish/pray for. Every part of me rebels against that, but is too afraid to tell the truth or show it.

Writing this down scares me because people I know can read this. Even scarier is to admit this face-to-face and have to tell people "I'm not a Christian anymore" or have them mock or make-fun of the things I do believe because they don't fall into mainstream ideas. I'm already the butt of the joke in my extended family by being different. I've been told that I've put on too much makeup or have 'black eyes' by trying out some more dramatic makeup looks. I've heard so many "Oh, dear" sighs of laughter after admitting one of my life goals or wants. It's frustrating because I want to be me, but I have to deal with a lot of bullshit even just to try something different. If someone walked into my room and saw the collection of books on my bedside table, I would never live it down. I've got a few books by the Dalai Lama, "Exploring the Levels of Creation", "Positive Energy", "The Power of Tact", "Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner", "The Other Side of Normal" etc. I don't necessarily believe in everything these books say, but I'm curious and I think that's ok, but I would suffer a lot of jokes and ridicule for having these books in my possession.

I'd better stop soon before I do manage to complete a novel filled with my feelings. I don't see myself as being Christian anytime in the near future. I see myself disappointing my family, dealing with ridicule and having a wide-varitety of beliefs. I'm clinging to what I know would be easier for my family to deal with, but longing for what I want.