It's been quite awhile since I've last posted anything on here, and now I have a lot to say. Not in one shot, so don't you worry. I'll do my best to spread it out. ;) The last time I wrote, I spoke about my anxiety and fears about universities/colleges. That hasn't changed. Every time I read a facebook post from one of my friends on how they've moved into their dorm room or just began class, I feel ashamed and worthless. Like I've somehow failed my life and am now doomed to live an unfulfilled life. Yes, I realize how dramatic that sounds, but when is the last time emotions haven't been dramatic?
But looking back on all that has happened over the course of the last year, I'm proud of myself. I came very, very close to quitting high school. Very close to running away and giving up on school, to the point where I had everything planned out and a check-list prepared. My mind was an absolute mess and I couldn't sleep or pay any attention in class. Granted, near the end of the school year I used my anxiety as a crutch and an excuse, but I finished. I was seriously sick for nearly 5 months, missed over 60 days of school, and I'm very lucky to have graduated.
Even though I recognize that, I still feel ashamed that I'm not continuing my education...at least right now. I've also been greatly dissatisfied with my life. I don't know why nor to I know how to fix it. Being curious and interested in other's views, I picked up a book by the Dalai Lama called "The Essence of Happiness". Halfway through, I came to the conclusion that I don't think happiness is possible. At least right now, in this moment, I find that a life full of happiness seems impossible to obtain.
Perhaps, I'm far too objective and cynical or have a hard time thinking back to when I've felt happy. Maybe I'm just a moody teen who likes to wallow in sadness and whine about how awful the world is with a bunch of hipster quotes. (Side note: those really do get irritating after awhile. Like "Where's the good in goodbye"? Seriously, use your brain). I think I do have something wrong with me, however, because I've noticed that when I'm thinking back on emotions I have a very hard time thinking that my life has ever been different.
Because I'm a weird child, the other day I had to journal my thoughts on missing my family. I moved away recently and was a little worried about the fact that I haven't really felt a sense of loss after being away from my family. Haha, I even questioned whether or not there was something wrong with the way I bond with others. I quickly dismissed the fact that I'm a cold-hearted bitch, since I've missed my dog far too much and still cry while watching sad movies.
Therefore, my conclusion is that I'm slightly insane and need to practice on connecting my emotions now to my emotions of the past. :P
