There are times when I wonder if I'll ever have a life worth living. All too often what should be a new and fun activity turns into a fear fest with me slamming on the brakes. Every time I fail at an attempt to face my fears, I feel as if I have just lost my shot at a future. As if this one activity or challenge determines all my future attempts at facing my fears. The only time I have ever succeeded at over-coming any fear is when my feelings of guilt outweigh it. Even as a little girl, when my mom was pulled over because I wasn't wearing a seatbelt, I couldn't take the guilt and hid in my grandmother's bathtub. I'm out of high school and I'm still hiding. Not once have I done something for myself. Never. Always for my parents or friends or grandparents or teachers...etc.
My mom finally cracked at me today and said probably the worst thing that could ever reach my ears, "You can't help someone who doesn't want it". Granted it was after I told her to stop telling me to "think of it as a small step" because it was too cliche and didn't hold any meaning, and after 2 hours of discussing my fear with her, I'm sure that she was tired of it.
I want to be able to face my fears. I want to walk outside my house without worrying about every little social interaction. I want to be able to get a job and do things I want to. I want help, but it can be hard to accept it.
I am not worthless, I am fearful. There is a difference. Every word that is written on a page or typed into a computer is not a word from someone who is worthless. I have worth. I'm still trying to figure out how to show others that worth, and it's not easy to. I feel as if every second spent with my family is a second that tries to destroy me. Every minute in the presence of any family member, extended or immediate, is a minute in which everything I do is criticized. In which, I am mentally beaten to the point where all I can do is curl up into the fetal position in a corner.
Right now, I am thinking of where I can sleep away from them. I have a cousin in my room, my brother sleeping on the couch, my parents upstairs. There is no where private. I need not to speak to them. I need them to ignore me as if I don't exist. I don't want them talking to me, I don't want them acknowledging me or worst of all giving me advice. I need to be somewhere without anyone. I've debated sleeping outside or in the car or in a closet because I don't want them to be here.
I don't hate them. I feel extreme loyalty and devotion to them, but I can't live with them anymore. I can't have them lecturing me any more. I don't need them to tell me to get a job, face my fears, just do it or try to read my mind. I would like them to leave me alone. I just need to be alone.
I'm tired and confused right now. I need to go to sleep, but I don't want to because then I'll have to deal with them in the morning. I wish I could go somewhere else, but I don't know where. I want help, but once something is said too many times it isn't help. Just like at a grad ceremony, after ten inspirational speeches, suddenly all those comforting words become uninspirational and draining.
