Today is my fearless day. I'm so tired of being afraid of everything. Afraid of what people think, afraid of being abandoned, afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of expressing my emotions, afraid of trusting people. It's so hard to be afraid all the time. After over two decades I'm still terrified that at any moment my family will abandon me. I'm afraid that I'll disappoint them over and over again, that they'll be annoyed by me or I'll be an inconvenience, and they'll just have enough.
I've heard or read that being afraid of vulnerability isn't the fear of being hurt, but being hurt so badly you can't recover. That you don't trust yourself or think you're strong enough to deal with being hurt. I think I'm a strong person, I think that despite my procrastination and laziness when something goes wrong I can lift my head up and work hard, and deal with it. So, today is my fearless day. The day where I won't be afraid of being abandoned, hated, mocked or an inconvenience.
I can often come across as cold or unfeeling, half the time I don't even have a clue of what my emotional state is. Sometimes I'm just neutral. The thing is, I feel a lot. When we went to go see a broadway play, at the end I almost cried because I could just imagine what the actors felt. I could imagine them dreaming, practicing, and trying so hard. I could imagine how it must feel to put on a performance in front of a large group and then to see them all stand up and applaud your work. I could imagine how happy, how incredible that must feel to not only do something you love but to have others appreciate it and validate your hard work.
I love my family and friend more than they could know. At any point if someone needed a kidney or liver I would be the first one there. Sometimes I feel like my brother finds me to be an annoyance, like I'm just kinda there in his way. It hurts because I love him so much and I wish I could talk to him about what's bothering him or help him out. I remember being little and the first thing I'd do in the morning before anyone else was awake was to go into his room, put him properly on his bed and tuck him in.
I love to make people happy, and hate to be a bother. Sometimes, I try too much. I'll try and help them against my own interests, sometimes it gets me into trouble later on. I hate how selfish I can be sometimes, especially when it comes to money or how when I was younger I'd always give my friend the smallest or worst piece of candy because I wanted the better one.
I expect everyone at some point to give up on me. To think I'm too lazy, too messy, too much of a procrastinator, too cold, too weird, or too much trouble. I don't fear it, I expect it. It feels like it will happen, and I'm just biding my time until my world comes crashing down. I'll have borrowed too much money from my parents, I'll exasperate them with my procrastination or messiness, I won't get the grades I should in school, and I'll just wind up being more trouble than I'm worth. Every part of me expects this to happen and it's terrifying. I feel like if I somehow don't manage to perfect myself, it'll happen. I love them so much and I'm so scared that it'll happen. I'm absolutely terrified that I'll be kicked out.
I want to stop being so afraid of everything. I want to learn to trust people, including myself so that if trust fails, I can still support myself. I just want to stop being so afraid of what people will think, say or do. So, my goal is to learn to be fearless. To just enjoy things now, and stop worrying about what-ifs. So today, I'm going to have a fearless. I'm going to practice not being afraid, just for one day.
