Worries About Writing

I like to classify things in an attempt to make sense of them and I like to label myself so I know who I am. It's an overly simplified way of thinking and I don't always stick to it, but it's how I like to start working through things.

You know on your first day of school, when the teacher asks all the students to tell the class something about themselves? Well, mine was always "I'm a writer" or "I'm an author" or something to that effect. Having written two books was a big source of pride for me, especially since I was (and still am) not all that confident in myself.

I stopped writing novels over two years ago. I didn't have a clear choice of what to write next and then I wound up sick. I haven't written any fiction after I graduated, since I usually wrote when a class bored me.

Not having a clear idea of what to write, frustrates me. Not having written in such a long time, frustrates me. But it scares me to think that I may never write again, that I suddenly don't need it. I can't remember what it felt like to have a great idea running through my head as I scribbled it down. I just feel frustrated.

I don't know how to start a story anymore. It's almost like I've forgotten how to write. I'm scared to lose one of my self-proclaimed titles, because I just might not be an author any more. I know I'm over-thinking it, that just jumping in and struggling to piece words together on a daily basis will help me to remember, but let me steam in my worry and frustrations until I can force myself sit down in my spare time.

More Frustrated Rants

My week has been crap. Got a discipline notice at work (that I feel was undeserved) and it seemed to be the key to release all my other inner demons. All that anxiety and avoidance that I felt I had recovered from, has returned in all it's former glory. 

So, what do I do? The only logical thing that one can do when suffering self-doubt, picking up one of those self-help books. You know the ones with the cheesy title that sound empowering like "How to Become a Badass", the ones that are feel of all sorts of peppy "you can do it!" talk, and the ones that have you rolling your eyes but keep reading it just in case it turns out to be the thing that changed your life. I haven't come across one book yet that's really inspired a huge life change, most of them seem to creep me out. You just know that there's some creepy dude sitting back in his chair with money stacked on his desk, laughing at the idiots who bought his stupid book. 

Every time I read some of these books, I come to the realization that a) I hate these books and b) I want to stay miserable. I don't have any desire to practice any of their methods, I just want to wallow in my misery for a little while longer. I want to stay miserable because I don't know what to do to fix myself, and know that eventually I'll just have to accept it until the next time something sets me off. 

I'm just so frustrated with my life. I don't want to have an asshole boss who likes to bully me around because I look young and am anxious to start conflict, I don't want money to be the biggest factor in my life, even though it is. I don't want to have to stay at a job just so I can pay for my car, I want to be able to find a job that I enjoy (something I could do on my own from home would be extra nice) instead of waiting around for the magical transformation of my boss. 

The problem is I can't find a way around it. Maybe twenty years from now I'll be in a position to work around it, maybe by then I'll have enough money to make my life enjoyable. But I'm not sure if I'm willing to wait twenty years. Do I want to spend the next few years being miserable in hopes that it'll get better?