Ashamed

I feel like such a loser today. I feel weak and pathetic because I'm unable to make myself go to school. I haven't been at school since Thursday of last week; the only class I've attended is English because I had to hand-in an essay. I've even started lying about it. I told my mom I went to Chem class yesterday, in reality I drove around downtown Edmonton for an hour. I can't believe I lied to her about that, I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about it.

This morning I tried to make myself go to Social, but as I was putting on makeup I made a mistake and couldn't fix it in time for class, so I skipped class. What the heck is wrong with me? And my stupid mind actually tried to rationalize it. My stomach randomly starts up every now and then (and has been a pain all morning), so I'm "sick". Then my mind reminds me of having to use public bathrooms or leaving class and how embarrassing that would be. And being judged by my teachers, that scares me so of course avoiding it will make it all better. Believe me, I know the faulty logic in every one of these excuses, yet they make me feel better for missing school.

I'm so stupid! In my last post I suggested that I might not be a fighter and I might not have the ability to get what I want out of time. My question still stands: At what point should I give up? All these ideas still hold true to me. I can't help it. I'm getting more and more desperate. I keep hoping for something to change, but nothing does.

 I'm in a constant limbo; like walking on a tightrope with no solid ground in sight. I want to runaway from everything, to just pack up and leave all my problems here, but I know that it won't work. My problems will follow me no matter where I go. I wrote an essay and in it I said that "when people run away from responsibility and towards their perceived happiness, in reality they're running from true happiness and peace" and "In order to accept responsibility, one must realize that by doing so they will gain inner-peace and pride in themselves". Hypocritical, isn't it? Sometimes I feel like everything I write is just a bunch of lies, even I feel like a lie.