"I'm currently at a very delicate emotional level, one on which I rest on the edge of extreme sadness and depression. Little things have the potential to make me plummet into a turbulent sea where all my energy is devoted merely to fight against the waves of emotions that crash down over my head and threaten to take me under. I feel very unstable and at times I think of pushing everyone outside of my immediate circle away because of the fear of judgement and dragging them down with me. In some regards, I'd rather not deal with people than risk being rejected by them. To reject is often easier than being rejected."
What can I say about this? Dramatic, yes. Chessy, heck yes! That little bit about plummeting was me using all of the cheesy analogies and filing it under 'creative license'. Ok, so I do realize that it was written during a not so great period and a lot of teenage dramatics were thrown in. However, it leads me to say: I WAS RIGHT!
Grrr...I hate being right. I have officially jumped head-first off of that edge with the goal of drowning myself. If you've noticed, I haven't written for a bit because I was at an almost stable point. Stability decided to go on vacation this weekend and left me to fend for myself. I have re-entered a chaotic mindframe, and I'm back to jumping back and forth between topics that leave me more confused than ever.
My sister has been a great annoyance to me of late. She's been going on and on about moving back to Manitoba. It bothers me that she places the small town we used to live in on a pedestal and views it as a utopia when I think there are so many issues there. I find it to be more of a disillusioned society that shelters itself from the rest of the world. I do not regret ever living there because it did allow me to build a strong moral foundation, however, ti is drastically different from the outside world and that makes moving away a culture-shock for people. There, the town becomes a vortex that sucks everyone back in; people leave, are afraid and come back.
As a shy, closed individual I understand that desperate need for a safety bubble, but to forfeit you dreams and your potential for comfort reduces you to nothing. Gosh, I feel like such a hypocrite now. I love my safety bubble, but I do feel like it doesn't hold me back...much. All the things that I want, I can do so on my own. I realize that this sounds like the exact same thing anyone in that small down would say to defend their own choice to live there. This is the hard thing with life, how can we ever know what is reality or illusion?
I do understand the benefits of living in a closed community, but I also know of the benefits of living somewhere with a lot of varied people with different ideas. Another thing I both hate and love about my mind: my need to understand both sides of an argument and my inability to choose one. It would be so much easier to have a one-sided view, but having that would prove dangerous and debilitating to society. Stupid "nothing good comes easy" rule!
Ok, so now I have vent again. Do I feel any better? No. All my usual coping techniques are failing once again. Heck, I can barely sleep at night because I'm busy debating everything from politics to people's mindsets. It wouldn't be as much of a problem if I was only debating one at a time, but I like to jump from topic to topic.
Anyway, thanks to the digital world for letting me create my blog of depression. :P
-Asiemens
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