Today, I'm not doing so well. Once again, I've gotten worse health-wise. At least I've been getting my appetite back, although I'm very picky about what I feel I can it. No soups that aren't stock based, no take-out, no pizza, no fried anything, etc.
Emotionally, I've taken another descent into the realm of chaos. I'm not sure what test is used to diagnosis depression, but I'm pretty sure I'm getting close. I don't want to go outside and I've actually debating dropping out of school. A bit of an over-reaction, but I have no desire to go to school at all. I'm not going to drop out, because I know that a good education is needed, but I've really been re-evaluating what I want to do in the future.
I'm scared. I'm scared that my choices right now are the result of emotions and that I'll wind up regretting them in the near future. I'm scared that I might have lost too much weight. I'm scared that my life will wind up being worthless. For my English class, I've been reading "The Stone Angel" and it deals with an elderly woman named Hagar who reflects back at her life. I don't like it, most likely because it deals with my own fears of regretting my life and to be someone who once had such hope, but becomes nothingness. I've actually stopped reading the book a few chapters from the end because it's made me feel more terrible than I already do.
I want to cry right now and laugh, because I feel like such a crazy person. Forget about waiting till I'm 50 to be the crazy dog lady, my white fluffy pup and I already have that covered. He's almost as psycho as I am. ;) I want to talk to someone who won't lecture me. I just want someone to listen and not interrupt me. As the crazy person I am, I feel like everyone I talk to about this is judging me. Like I'm stupid and an emotional idiot. I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know what to do to make it better and I desperately need some help. That last statement does contradict my "do not interrupt or lecture me" thought, which may indicate my stupidity.
I'm on skype right now, waiting for my friend to call me. I've been waiting to talk to her for almost two weeks and I feel as if I'm going to explode unless I speak with her. It's not her fault that we haven't been able to talk. She's always been busier than I and she's too sweet to ignore me on purpose. A little blond maybe, but that's why I love her. :) I'm sad that I wasn't there when she got baptized this last weekend. I'm sad that I won't ever get to live near her again; that we'll never get to hang out at each other's houses on the weekend and go to the same school. We both have very different life-paths and sometimes I worry that we'll just lose each other as we move forward.
I've got to stop before I burst into tears. I'm sorry for all the downers lately and I hope that I'll be able to break out of it soon.
To give myself a little bit of hope:
I failed my way to success.
-Thomas Edison
Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.
-William Ellery Channing
Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
-Bernadette Devlin
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