I think the biggest factor for these "emotional confessions" of mine is the compilation of many little irritants that are ignited by one or more small events that one would think to be inconsequential, but they wind up triggering either a rant or, in rarer cases, tears. The general event for today's rant/tears is "movie night". My dad and my visiting uncle, as well as my brother, decided to go see Safe House in the theatres. I usually love action movies, and my dad tends to (I blame this on him being unable to learn from past mistakes rather than something he does on purpose) over-look me, asking my brother instead. This time he did ask, but it just wasn't my kind of action movie so I passed. No big deal really, besides my mom and my aunt were planning on renting a movie, I could just watch with them.
I should have known how it would turn out. It usually turns out this way every time my mom rents a movie. She and I have very different interests when it comes to movies. She likes drama and romance, the "chick-flicks" if you will, and the only time I watch romance is when it's piggy-backing on an action/comedy. Five minutes before we went to rent the movie, we had a conversation about my dislike of romance and drama. Ten minutes after, they rented a...chick flick. Yup, she has ears that don't hear. Of course, after I got up to go downstairs she makes a big deal about how I should have told her that I didn't want to watch that particular movie. Gee, thanks for making me feel like you care.
And when I get downstairs, I start tearing up. I hate crying, it doesn't make me feel any better when I cry, in fact I feel worse because I wind up with a headache and a leaky faucet for a nose. I don't know why I want to cry, I just know the things that bother me.
I feel like the outcast; the person who's always on the outside looking in. It seems that no one in my immediate family likes the things I do. It's hard for me to find some middle-ground or something in common with anyone. At least that's how I feel like at the moment, ask me again in a few days. I feel like what I enjoy isn't of any importance to anyone else, that they just don't care.
My mom won't even watch 30 seconds of one of my favourite tv shows because it isn't her "kind of show". How the heck would you know? You haven't given it a chance. You have no bloody idea what it's about. I have a hard time finding someone to go to the theatre with me because they don't like the movies I do, in fact I've stopped asking them because it's the same thing. I'll go and watch the movies I don't have an interest in at all because I enjoy the company every now and again, and I believe that you need to allow people to watch what they want.
That's one of the things that bugs me the most, especially when it comes to my siblings, and I'm sure they often have the same grievance with me. The fact that I feel like I constantly give, but that I never get any retribution. I often take my sister to Tims or Subway and pay with my own money, but it's extremely rare (like only once in the history of EVER) that she does the same for me. In fact, we've gotten into a few arguments about this. I'll often listen to them tell me about their day, but often when I try to tell them about my life they don't even bother to pretend to care. They never allow me to watch the movies I like with the rest of the family, I'll usually just watch them alone in my room on the laptop. They don't care that I've written two novels, my dad's the only one to have read even one. I spend over 1 year working on each one and I don't even get a good job smoothie or the opportunity to do something I want to do with the family. Granted, I didn't do something special when my dad finished his PhD, but if he wants, I'm game to do something he'd like to do.
Somedays, today included, I feel as if I'm the one puzzle piece too many. I just don't mesh in with everyone else. Maybe it's my own fault. I enjoy being alone, so often they don't realize what I'd like because I tend to keep it more hidden. Not on purpose, it just goes along with that when you do things alone, people don't know what you do. Maybe I have, without knowing it, shaped myself into a puzzle piece from an entirely different puzzle.
I so feel your pain. It's hard to feel so isolated and misunderstood by people we love and who we feel should know us best. The mother/daughter thing is the hardest! I don't know if your grandma is alive, but sometimes that connection skips a generation. Before I get too in depth here, go take your mom to see the movie This Means War...it has all the action that you will love and the romance your mom will like. It is hysterical and I think it will really help you bond and heal.
ReplyDeleteI used to write poetry that was really depressing and Poe-like and my mom would just refuse to read it. I don't think I ever got over it and I don't write hardly at all anymore. She pushed me into my journalism writing career but I burned out too young. My wish for you is to keep up the armor so that you don't stop writing. Our families are sometimes the worst people for support as writers and artists...ask any coach who works with artists...It's pretty common. You may want to find someone outside of your family to help with your writing.
Of course that doesn't help with feeling like the odd man out. What I can assure you of is that your parents love you, even if they don't have great communication skills or know how to relate to you. Unfortunately, most people are self-involved and they may not be sensitive enough to understand how you are feeling without you spelling it out for them when you are calm or writing a letter to reach out when it comes from a place of love. I think when you approach something out of love and explain that you just want to be close to them and share things that are important to you once in a while so you feel understood and not like you are on an island, hopefully, fingers crossed, they will get it if you ask something really specific...Like on a scale of 1 to 10 that you watching this tv show with me for 30 minutes will make mean more to me than you can even imagine...
But maybe it still won't work. I have a teenage daughter who refuses to watch any tv with me but wants me to watch her play video games on end or you tube videos because she wants my company and wants to share with me. I try and I do sometimes but sometimes I have so little clue what is going on, I fall asleep which crushes her but I can't help it. She won't go to any movies with me because she says she doesn't like movies... And she won't play any board games with me because they are not her thing. So, sometimes, we have near and dear family members that don't like the same things we do but there still is love there. We just have to find that connection for someone that gets our entertainment likes elsewhere because you literally can't make someone like something...My daughter is the most precious thing to me but she probably feels misunderstood a lot. She definitely has a communication style that is much more like my husband...I am a talker and she is not and she often doesn't get me and tunes me out. Families aren't perfect and we aren't often wired the same but accepting that is important and not judging it is important and doing the best we can to be kind to one another is the best we can do.
Finding even one friend that gets you helps you make it through the day so I hope you can open up enough to find that person if you don't already have that friend. Hang in there. We're all doing our best. We are only humans and need to cut ourselves some slack and don't be too hard on yourself. Take care.