Questions I Have Yet to Answer

I'm going to attempt to do a semi-positive post today. Gasp! I know, it's beyond shocking. Me, positive? The world is truly ending this month. My aunt asked me a question yesterday that I still haven't found the answer to. Or have, but it's not a very solid answer. So, I thought why not sure some of the questions that have been posed to me. The majority of these, I don't have an answer to. So, bear with me. ;)

My aunt had asked me, "What makes you feel loved?". It sounded simple, but it's always those simple ones that throw me for a loop. I've been feeling very emotionally levelled, meaning lately I've been very emotionless and have a bleak outlook at times. So, my first thought was "Have I ever truly felt loved?". I'm still in emotionless mode, and love is an emotion so I haven't been able to pinpoint a lot of exact moments, but reason tells me that I have felt loved. (I'd also like to acknowledge at this point, that my parents and family members are extremely loving and I've had an excellent life. So, no fault on their part!)

After thinking about it so hard that my brain nearly burst, the best I could come up with is the random, spontaneous things that you don't see coming make me feel loved. Even just the tiniest things, like someone paying for my coffee (tea or chai latte in my case) make me feel loved, and the person didn't even try! My mom once woke me up one morning when I was still pretty sick and handed me a chai latte. That blew me away, and still does! When I was little, I had a lot of nightmares, so my dad told me to make up stories in my head to help me get to sleep. That's probably the single piece of advice I love the most. I still do it, and use it as a coping mechanism when I'm stressed.

I like things that aren't done because it's customary, something spontaneous and has meaning to me. The person may not know they've made me feel loved, but when they do it without feeling like they have to, it means a lot to me.

Another couple of questions, I've come across is in regards to my anxiety is "who made you feel worthless" or "what I am protecting myself form". I'd have to say that I have a tendency to make myself feel worthless. I'm extremely harsh and judgemental of myself, I know this and believe me I'm trying to work on it. Someone may trigger something, by making fun of my makeup or outfit, and I take to whole new level. I will spent hours criticizing every little detail of that conversation and mentally hitting myself for looking like an idiot or embarrassing myself. It wasn't my problem, someone else was being an idiot. I'm still trying to remember that whenever I feel judged or criticized. If I like the way I look, no one else's opinion should matter.

I also don't know how to answer that second question. I don't know what I'm protecting myself from. Embarrassment, public humiliation? Those are my only two guesses. I have a hard time stepping out of my comfort zone (most people do) and I have a hard time making myself vulnerable. I only like being the centre of attention if it's for something I feel control in. For example, presenting or teaching a subject to a class. I love it. I like sharing the information I've gathered, it makes me feel very happy and confident. At a party, I'd rather slink away into the background or be glued to a friend's side.

I've probably mentioned this before, but a previous therapist of mine asked me "Is a person ever worthless?" It arose when I told her, I felt worthless because I didn't have a job and was having trouble with school. I was also afraid I'd spend the rest of my life living with my parents and never doing anything of value. I thought about it for a week straight, and finally came up with no. As long as I am able to think, I'm not worthless. Most of my work is done mentally; I like to think, write and read. You're not going to see physical results for those most of the time.

I'm not saying that I don't ever want to have a job, as I wrote in my last post, I'd really like the freedom it offers. My problem is getting myself there. In happy news, I did manage to hand in a resume the other day. My aunt and I were at DQ and she spontaneously asked me if I could ask for an application form. Spontaneous and something I like to avoid usually ends up with me staring into space like a deer in headlights. And yes, at first I was just like that. I did manage to make up the courage to go to the counter, got an application form, and filled it out, handing it in before I left. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I actually felt really confident.

My aunt has been great in helping me over come some of my fears about handing in resumes. I admitted that I often lied about handing in resumes, just because I didn't want to disappoint someone or look stupid. She suggested a code phrase that I could say every time I felt like lying about it, so that she would know that it's the time to be a bit more gentle with me.

It blew me away because I had tended to look at job applications as you hand it in, you succeed or you don't hand it in, you're a failure. There was never this grey area of, I tried. I never stopped to think about why I was unable to hand in a resume or what happened to prevent me from accomplishing my goal. All I know about past attempts was, tried and failed. Not why I failed. Or what I could do differently to allow me to succeed.

Either way, I'm feeling more optimistic today. Even if I have to hand in two resumes tomorrow. It shall be done!

Archery, Indecisiveness and Over-Thinking

So, random thought of the day: I'd like to learn how to use a bow and arrow. I loved archery the very few times I got to try it at some camp or something, and ever since have wanted to learn more. I haven't really told a lot of people about this desire of mine, partially because when ever I say something random like that, people think I'm joking or it's my interest of the week. Now, that could very well be. Maybe it is just one of my random desires that will disappear and rewaken the next time I watch a Robin Hood movie. Somedays I can't tell if it's just an impulse want or not.

The other reason is, for the last few years we've had a small yard and I can be very shy. By that I mean, I almost need a bow, target and a few arrows so I can learn by myself in the backyard because I'd be far to nervous to go somewhere to learn all by myself. I could be wrong, but I doubt that any member of my immediate family would want to go with me. I say immediate family because my friend group is limited and I don't think the two close friends of mine would be interested. (Note: I like having a small group of friends and have no desire to become more 'popular'). Either way, I'm sad that I can't just set something up in my backyard and start practicing. If I could, there would be archery-related things all over my Christmas list. :P

Going back to my random impulse to learn some new random thing (it happens a lot), it makes it insanely hard to settle on something. When I go shopping, I know exactly what clothes I want or what kinds of things I like. I'm very decisive when it comes to stuff like that. However, when it comes to my goals in life, I am the most indecisive person in the universe and I hate it. It is so frickin' irritating not knowing what the heck to do with yourself. The best goal I got is "get a job", which I actually would like to accomplish (it would be a lot more freeing to have extra money lying around, not to mention something to get my ass out of the house), but suck at working towards.  I procrastinate and skirt around the issue like it's my job. And my excuses are pathetic:

Hand in resumes today? Naw, I don't feel like putting on makeup today. It's more of a Friday activity. Don't feel like getting dressed up. I forgot and now it's too late in the day. It's after 5 and during the worst shopping time, don't feel like looking like an idiot in front of a crowd. Etc, etc, etc!

That's not even including my actual attempts. I can't count how many times I've done my make up, put on something nice and driven to the place only to chicken out and drive right on by. Maybe I'll actually go into the store and just wander around because I can't work up the courage to hand my resume to the person at the counter. Or, I'll manage to get myself to the counter, but wuss out at the last minute and buy a chocolate bar instead.

So, that's how the job quest is going. And the worst part is, I'll lie to people about it. My mom asks how the job hunt is going, I'll tell her I just handed in a few resumes. Yeah, I handed those things in a month ago and haven't bothered since. Or, I'll just try and avoid the subject completely by shrugging and going "haven't gotten a call back". No duh, I haven't handed anything in for a month! Granted, I have handed in a quite a few resumes and just haven't gotten a call back for any of them, but after that random spurt of bravery, I don't bother going back to hand in another. So, sorry parents. Your daughter has been lying to you and, to be truthful, doesn't see herself handing in anything anytime soon. She knows she has issues and that she needs the responsibility, so giving her another lecture will result in eye-rolling and probably an argument.

I have no idea what I want to do for school. I have no idea what kind of job I'd like after post-secondary. I don't know what kinds of beliefs I have. I don't know how to take people's advice. I am feeling insanely lost. All I want is a goal, it doesn't have to be big, but I need one. Even having another novel to write would be awesome, but I can't decide which one to write next! I hate the fact that my days revolve around googling things on the internet and just reading every article I can find. I can't even get myself to finish one of the books I've picked up from the library. Not to mention that I'm not sure when I'll move back in with my parents. Right now, I'm bouncing from relative's house to relative's house. It's so frustrating!

I know this comes from over-thinking and not shutting my brain off. I got that. I'm very aware of what's good or not good for me, I just have a hard time figuring out how to stop these bad habits. I just don't know how and it's a very helpless feeling. My dad keeps telling me to do stuff, volunteer and to act rather than think my way out. I sorta get what he's saying but at the same time it's like a foreign language. I need a goal before I can act; a solid one that won't disappear in a few days. How can I act if I don't know what to act on? It's like "Ok, I'll act. Now what? Do I write a novel, or learn archery, or go to school, or get a job, or learn to sew, or learn to cook, etc?"

Either way, I'm starting to reach the point where I'm tired of talking to people about my problems because I keep getting the same answers that are no use to me. I feel like I'm back where I was a few months ago, just feeling helpless and not knowing how to get out. I don't even know how I pulled myself out of this mood back then. The level of frustration is so hard to convey in words. I could use a poetic "falling into the fit of despair and being surrounded by a heavy veil of darkness so thick and confusing that I can't find a way to pull myself out", but it's almost too corny to me. It's more fit for a fictional story that to describe my life or feelings, or so it seems.

Sigh, so that's my update. Don't you love how I get the desire to write only when I'm in a depressed mood?

Giving up?

I know I wrote in a previous post (again, I'm too lazy to go back and figure out exactly which one) that I was going to make myself read a few books on Christianity as a last ditch effort. Now I'm wondering if I'm too far gone for that. I was talking to a few people about what I struggled with and as I described the Bible, it hit me that while I enjoyed the history, I hated the actual stories of people. To me it feels like mythology or a child's storybook. Some myth like Santa Claus that has been retold and dramatized to provide more entertainment for the viewing audience.

Don't misunderstand me, I don't look at Christians as brainwashed idiots for believing in it, I"m just telling you how I feel when I think of the Bible. I can't exactly travel back in time and prove or disprove all the stories in the Bible, so for all I know I could be the idiot.

My point is, how can I believe in a Christianity when I don't believe in its most important source? Is it even worth it to continue trying? I know, that as soon as you start thinking of giving up, it usually means you will, which concerns me. A relationship with God isn't worrisome, I find more comfort in that, but the Bible to me seems like a wall I can neither go over or through to reach Him. I suppose I'm very cautious and don't like placing my trust in a book. You can tell me God gave people the inspiration to write it, but people still wrote it, and then translated it, and translated it again and again. Not to mention over the course of history, how many parts of the Bible have been lost or added as filler or to further a political stance? People are corruptible and I have a hard time believing that the Bible has never been touched by that corruption.

I'm starting to think I'm a very negative person. Maybe because I've watched far to many crime shows, I've been left very wary of people. You know that "everyone is a suspect" line, I may have been taking that too literally...

Doggy Withdrawal

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that when I moved I found myself missing my dog more than my family, not that I don't love my family. Well, it's been a few months and I still find myself missing him like crazy! It's horrible, absolutely horrible! I'm writing this very early in the morning because as I was lying in my bed, I couldn't stop thinking about my puppy. It is a little sad, I know.

It's gotten to the point where I see a dog in a movie or out on the street and I'll spend the next few hour lamenting on the fact that I don't have on. I just want to pet and hug and love a dog. I really, really do. Why, you ask, don't you just get a dog then? Excellent question random web user, because I'm currently living with some extended family members who are very against having a dog in their house or on their yard. Trust me, I've tried. And tried and tried.

I have the possibility of moving in with an aunt who would be for having a dog, however it's going to cost some money to get one from the shelter. Contrary to my child-like mind's belief, they are not free if you rescue them. You still need to pay for all the vaccinations and such that the dog received at the shelter. Stupid rules.

So, here comes the fun part that speaks to my desperation. I am going to get a job, save up a bunch of money and buy a dog. Not only that, but my groggy brain is now explaining to me that I'll have to move here semi-permantly (originally, it was just for a few months, but now I'm thinking a year or more) for my future dog that I have yet to hold in my arms and love. Here's why, because back at home my puppy is an anti-social, yappy idiot (that I adore!) who would probably tear a new puppy to shreds, even though he's a little guy. So, my brain has informed me that a longer stay would be required to train a new puppy before introducing it to the devil dog that I haven't been able to love or hug and is making me go through all this doggy withdrawal.

Stupid emotions making me miss things. I need a do so badly! It's so hard to get how desperate I am across to people. They take it as a joke, but it hurts so much not to have a dog to love. Honestly, I can't even look at dogs anymore because it makes me far too sad and just leaves me with the mantra "I need a dog, I need a dog, I need a dog" that never shuts up! I've gotten to the point of hugging cats! I hate cats! I even have a favourite now. It doesn't even have a name, but I like it better than the other black cat that hangs around this house. I really don't like cats, but I'll hug nearly any type of animal companion. Reptiles, insects and birds excluded. Pretty much any type of loving furry mammal I would take. Notice the pretty much, there are exclusions there.

Ugh! Help me, I need a puppy. This sucks!

My Struggles with Christianity

'Sup random web-users and a few people I do know that are beginning to think I need some serious help. Guess what? I've been feeling frustrated and confused again! Yay! Yes, I do know that pretty much the entire course of this blog has been about confusion. Welcome to my chaotic life, you may want to leave before I drag you into the pit of despair.

Truth be told, I'm not really in despair at the moment. I actually feel relatively cool and calm, which is slightly shocking. I'm also relatively happy. What weird alien creature has taken over my body, you ask? I'm hoping a really cool one that plans to take me to its planet it to be revered as a wise and superior individual. Fingers crossed!

What am I here today to complain about? Excellent question, I'm glad you've asked. It continues the religious debate I had in my last post. And there goes all the random web-users leaving only the people I know to shake their heads whist sighing. I love you guys too! :) You may wish to preserve your delicate belief that I am doing things the way you'd be comfortable with by leaving this page now.

I don't think I'm a Christian. I mean, I haven't called myself a Christian in several months, but I still tried to fight to be one. Again, this is mostly based on the people within Christianity verses the actual religion (although there are quite a few parts of the religion I do struggle with. Yeah, I'm talking about the Bible. I'll get to that in a minute). I realize that people shouldn't be the ones who get to decide my own view on a religion. I get that, but I think everyone must admit that those around you need to be compatible for a mutual friendship to work. By compatible, I don't mean they have to like the same things you do or believe the way you believe, I mean that there has to be a connection. You can't hang around people who belittle or constantly judge you, you want to hang out with people who accept and have compassion for you.

Though Christianity preaches love and forgiveness, I usually regard the people who practice Christianity as hypocrites who preach hatred. I understand if you don't agree with someone's beliefs. I get that. But you still must show them some respect and treat them as if they have some value. You can't spend your entire life judging someone who is a little different and saying that they're going to hell. No, bad Christian! Stop judging and start showing some compassion. How can you expect people to want to be Christian if you're spending your time making them feel bad? I find myself far more willing to at least learn more about something if you approach me with kindness and respect than an all out verbal war. I've met some fantastic Christians who do that, but I see far to many that don't.

That could be because once you start looking for bad things you're going to find them. If you start looking for faults with a fine-toothed comb you're going to find tons of them, I understand. That's what I've been busy doing. I have been nit-picking. So, here comes another one of those semi-embarrassing moments where I get to say that I may have been over-analyzing some things and may be biased in someways. Shut up, it happens.

So, the people are a big factor and so is the Bible. I don't really see the Bible as a rule book. I, personally, have a hard time doing so for various reasons. First off, it was written by people not God. God may have given them the inspiration to write, but it was people's words. By the same account, couldn't any book written by a pastor inspired by God be of similar worth. I have a hard time understanding the Creation story, but I have a hard time understanding any creation story (includes scientific theories) because it will never be proven. Ever. We will never know how this universe came to be.

I also don't like the book of Revelation. Not because it scares me or is confusing as heck, but because I have a hard time wrapping my head around how a compassionate and forgiving God turns on people and obliterates the world. What about the younger people who live at that time, they wouldn't have had much of an opportunity to discover God. Some people only accept him in old age. But these young people wouldn't have as much time before they're doomed to suffer because they didn't have a chance to discover Him. I asked someone and they told me that the appeal of God would be so much stronger in that time, but the verdict's still out on that one for me.

I see the Bible more as a collection of thoughts by some very wise people and a historical record. I do not see it as the end-all holy book that must be obeyed to the letter and more as a guide where you don't have to agree with everything said, but offers some advice. I think it is a very valuable book, even if you're not Christian.

Anyway, I'll stop musing because I am losing my train of thought and that usually is not good. End point is the same as my last posts: I do not see myself becoming a Christian any time soon, if at all.

Tainted Religion

I think I'm done being logical for awhile. I say that now as I feel stressed and overwhelmed, but for some reason I have a voice giggling and saying "yeah right. Even this post will be filled with logical back-and-forth arguments." I'm not so fond of this voice right now, I think she may be in cahoots with both Reason and Logical Thought.

For the sake of my three com-pain-ions (Haha, see what I did there. It's ok to chuckle, I'm doing it right now. Yes, I do laugh at my own jokes), I feel as if I should aid a disclaimer. This should probably go for all posts on this blog: past, present and future. First off, what I write is what I'm feeling at the moment. It doesn't represent the entire course of my life or full spectrum of emotions. If it did, then this blog would represent a depressed and somewhat neurotic individual who is emotionally unstable and self-absorbed. While I am self-absorbed about 75% of the time, I like to pretend that I have control over my emotions. Since what I write is "in the moment", I will have many embarrassing moments that start with "There is a chance that I was wrong...". Also, for all you nit-picking readers (DAD!), I cannot cover all my bases in just a single post. It would take an entire novel to backtrack and include every possible vantage point. I still love you nit-pickers (Dad), but try not to read between the lines. Sometimes an author chooses to make a character wear black because it was the first colour to pop into her head, not as a symbol of mourning over the downfall of society and the rules imposed on people to make them fit into society (aka- loss of colour or loss of individuality). Sorry, it's true.

Whew! Anyway, the point of this post was to be completely open and honest about my religious struggles and my current state. I'm feeling very mad and helpless right now. I wish that I hadn't been raised in a particular religious group because even though I try to see it as something freeing, I can't help but see it as a restrictive idea. I feel as if the idea of spirituality has been polluted for me, as if my spiritual mind has been violated and dirtied, by the people I grew up with. I wasn't given a chance to find it on my own, my mind was molded with particular religious ideas imbedded in me and now that I'm looking for something spiritual, I'm still stuck with thoughts of how I should be not what I want to be.

It's horrible, because I can't break free. I can't explore other religions, I can't think of my childhood religion in any other light and I can't find peace in anything. I forever stuck on this repeating loop filled with guilt, habit and bitterness. I can't think of Christianity as anything other than what has been shown to me, even though I'm trying so hard to look. It ruined it for me. It's so frustrating, because now no matter what I choose, I will have to work through all this shit people have created for me. If I did it to myself, then I could understand the consequences and realize that I am to blame. But this sucks! It's like getting in trouble for something you didn't do and having to sit through your punishment while those who did it are out playing with their friends.

In all honesty, I don't want to be Christian. It doesn't feel right. I don't have the desire to learn more about and I feel little connection to it. The only reason I'm trying so hard to be it, is because it would cause far less guilt and disappointment for my friends and family, and I wouldn't been criticized for it. It's only for their sake that I'm trying. I don't hate it as a religion or spiritual path, I know many sincere and loving people who get comfort and happiness from it and I'm very happy for them. However, I don't see a spot for me in it. I can't imagine myself being happy with it and although I'm sure that it can be completely different from what I've known, it's always going to be tainted by my past experiences.

I've tried so hard to redeem it. And yes, I was very bitter for awhile. I far less bitter now and can see that it does good and isn't just filled with hypocrites. I have no desire to read any literature on it, but I'll try so I can at least say I've tried everything before giving up. I want to believe what I want and I've found some ideas I really agree with, but feel as if I can't accept them because it would disappoint my family. Because if I did I would be rejecting a big part of all their lives, and make people take a step back and see me as someone who is crazy or out-there. Everyone I've talked to says they hope my final outcome will be Christian. That's what they wish/pray for. Every part of me rebels against that, but is too afraid to tell the truth or show it.

Writing this down scares me because people I know can read this. Even scarier is to admit this face-to-face and have to tell people "I'm not a Christian anymore" or have them mock or make-fun of the things I do believe because they don't fall into mainstream ideas. I'm already the butt of the joke in my extended family by being different. I've been told that I've put on too much makeup or have 'black eyes' by trying out some more dramatic makeup looks. I've heard so many "Oh, dear" sighs of laughter after admitting one of my life goals or wants. It's frustrating because I want to be me, but I have to deal with a lot of bullshit even just to try something different. If someone walked into my room and saw the collection of books on my bedside table, I would never live it down. I've got a few books by the Dalai Lama, "Exploring the Levels of Creation", "Positive Energy", "The Power of Tact", "Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner", "The Other Side of Normal" etc. I don't necessarily believe in everything these books say, but I'm curious and I think that's ok, but I would suffer a lot of jokes and ridicule for having these books in my possession.

I'd better stop soon before I do manage to complete a novel filled with my feelings. I don't see myself as being Christian anytime in the near future. I see myself disappointing my family, dealing with ridicule and having a wide-varitety of beliefs. I'm clinging to what I know would be easier for my family to deal with, but longing for what I want.

Elusive Happiness

It's been quite awhile since I've last posted anything on here, and now I have a lot to say. Not in one shot, so don't you worry. I'll do my best to spread it out. ;) The last time I wrote, I spoke about my anxiety and fears about universities/colleges. That hasn't changed. Every time I read a facebook post from one of my friends on how they've moved into their dorm room or just began class, I feel ashamed and worthless. Like I've somehow failed my life and am now doomed to live an unfulfilled life. Yes, I realize how dramatic that sounds, but when is the last time emotions haven't been dramatic?

But looking back on all that has happened over the course of the last year, I'm proud of myself. I came very, very close to quitting high school. Very close to running away and giving up on school, to the point where I had everything planned out and a check-list prepared. My mind was an absolute mess and I couldn't sleep or pay any attention in class. Granted, near the end of the school year I used my anxiety as a crutch and an excuse, but I finished. I was seriously sick for nearly 5 months, missed over 60 days of school, and I'm very lucky to have graduated.

Even though I recognize that, I still feel ashamed that I'm not continuing my education...at least right now. I've also been greatly dissatisfied with my life. I don't know why nor to I know how to fix it. Being curious and interested in other's views, I picked up a book by the Dalai Lama called "The Essence of Happiness". Halfway through, I came to the conclusion that I don't think happiness is possible. At least right now, in this moment, I find that a life full of happiness seems impossible to obtain.

Perhaps, I'm far too objective and cynical or have a hard time thinking back to when I've felt happy. Maybe I'm just a moody teen who likes to wallow in sadness and whine about how awful the world is with a bunch of hipster quotes. (Side note: those really do get irritating after awhile. Like "Where's the good in goodbye"? Seriously, use your brain). I think I do have something wrong with me, however, because I've noticed that when I'm thinking back on emotions I have a very hard time thinking that my life has ever been different.

Because I'm a weird child, the other day I had to journal my thoughts on missing my family. I moved away recently and was a little worried about the fact that I haven't really felt a sense of loss after being away from my family. Haha, I even questioned whether or not there was something wrong with the way I bond with others. I quickly dismissed the fact that I'm a cold-hearted bitch, since I've missed my dog far too much and still cry while watching sad movies.

Therefore, my conclusion is that I'm slightly insane and need to practice on connecting my emotions now to my emotions of the past. :P