It's a good day when...

You know, today has been a good day and I'm going to tell you why. Remember a couple of posts ago where I wrote that I was suffering with self-image and all that lovely stuff. Well, today has been the complete opposite. I feel completely ok with myself, and actually love myself. It is an absolutely amazing feeling, especially when you feel that way even though you think your wardrobe needs a little work or that you may need a haircut since your bangs love covering your eyes as you type.

On another awesome note, I just came up with a new story idea this morning as I was still waking up and I'm excited about it. However, it's a dystopia idea and I'm already bummed out with all the dystopia work we did in school lately so I will hold off on writing it until I've been detoxed.

I've also been looking at some of my old writing/stories and have discovered that it still has some potential. I don't think you ever realize how your writing does not suck until a few years later when you can look back on it from a different, non-obsessive perspective. If you ever have the odd desire to read any of my writing, to the left of the page under "links" you should be able to find 2 of my writing sites. One's on Deviantart and the other on Writerscafe. Feel free to check them out and leave me some constructive criticism since that's always helpful. Ok, maybe not always, but I'm going to pretend that you know what I mean. It's a whole lot better than the English teachers who give a "good job" and a 100% without bothering to help you improve.

I hope you've enjoyed one of my only positive posts on this blog. I guess the 'hate the world' thing got old, and I've decided to become less of a negative nelly. Although, I'm sure my previous perspectives will come back as soon as school resumes.

Have an awesome Christmas break, and a happy new year!

-Asiemens

Greedy Ambition

Ok, so it's the middle of the night and now I have these thoughts that are plaguing me and refusing to let me sleep until I get them out. So here I am, 12:30am, sitting at my computer and relieving myself of this need to sort things out.

Let's begin with school, since that happens to be one of my major stress and issue factors. I happen to be in an AC English program, but I hate it. However, my parents want me to take it again next year; I don't want to. It is the most pointless academic program that I've ever come across. The only skill you learn or develop is the skill to twist anything into what you want it to be. Basically the whole class is about reading a book, dissecting it into meaningless little bits and then bull-shitting it. Everything you hear is basically a load of b.s. This is not what a high level course should be like. In my own perfect little world, it would consist of learning from other writers, improving your writing skills and getting decent feedback instead of the "good job" most of my (past) English teachers have given me. I don't give a shit if I did a good job, I want to know what I did wrong and what I can improve on! So those are my English class woes.

My parents keep telling me that I have awhile to figure this next thing out. I don't. I've got only a year. I moved last year to a new school. I'm not very fond of this school, and I'm not sure if it's my stress talking but I'm starting to despise it. Next year I'm graduating. Guess what? I'm still the new kid with a microscopic amount of friends here. I don't want to graduate here. I don't want to be associated with this school for the rest of my life. I want to go back and graduate with all my true friends and with my family there to see.

Unfortunately, I can't do this because I have to take that stupid AC program next year and it goes all year long, so I can't move back for the last semester. I miss my friends and my family, and as time goes by I'm starting to feel forgotten and ignored. I feel as if my friends are slowly separating from me; slowly drifting apart. Somedays I feel so alone, and lost. I don't have friends that can share common experience with. They're at another school, in another province. They don't have the same teachers, or have to be alone. If I had just one friend out here, maybe I could be myself and not this stupid shy, muted girl I am right now.

Now, let's get away from school. Well, not entirely away from school...this happens to be connected. I'm so frustrated with society. My parents keep telling me that I have to get better grades otherwise I won't get into university and then I won't have a good job, and so on. Why do I need a good job? Why can't I just do something that I love? Why can't I flip burgers by day, and write at night? Because society dictates that we must have certain things to have a "good life". Somedays I just want to ditch all this crap.

Honestly, somedays I wouldn't care if I lived in a small, one room (with adjacent bathroom. There are somethings that I just won't give up) cabin in the middle of nowhere. I think it's so pointless that we always have to strive to get better cars, a better house, and so forth. If it works, can't we still use it. Ha! I say that now, but as soon as someone starts questioning on some of my own things, I'll have to admit that I still want better things.

Do you ever want to revert back to the past? Sometimes I want to. I want to forget this obsessive need to be better, and just live. Even if it means some hard work. Heck, maybe that would be good for me. Is it possible to want to work hard? I almost do. Maybe in the future I'll by a deserted cabin on a farm and live like a pioneer or something. Save for the plumbing. I'm still a little spoiled and want to have a functioning toilet.

Speaking of the future, throughout several of my classes we've been talking about the future. A lot of dystopias. It makes me feel depressed and hopeless, and I don't understand why I should imagine that in 10 years I'll be a brain-washed follower of some government cult. Honestly, I want to live in the present. Living 10 years in the past is too stressful and depressing. There are so many things that can happen in 10 years, and I don't want to spend my time coming up with the gazillion things that might happen.

Right now, I feel so lost and disappointed. I hate this notion that intelligence is defined by what job you have. I'm sure that there's a lot of burger-flippers out there that are smart. Yet we devalue them because they get paid less. Right now I want to quit school, but I don't know what I'd do without it. Right now, I really want to tell my parents off and tell them that I just don't care anymore. I've hit a certain point and I honestly am so conflicted that I just don't care. Ha. That would go over well. That would just mean another worthless lecture that would make me feel even worse.

I so need someone to talk to. Someone who's not my parents, or my teachers, or my siblings or my friends. I want someone who's not completely biased. I want someone who won't disregard my statements as stupid. I don't think my parents even realize that they do see them as stupid. Yet, I feel like that's what they're telling me. I'm not stupid. I don't get low grades because I'm stupid. I get low grades because I don't care. I get low grades because I'm stressed and want out. I procrastinate to keep stress away, but it's only a short-term solution.

I feel like I'm a volcano about to erupt. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my life has already been planned out for me, and I don't get a say in it. I feel trapped. I feel like the walls are closing in, and I want them to stop. I can't pretend anymore. I try to stay somewhat happy and cheerful, but optimism is slowly going away.

I honestly don't know what to do, and that scares me. Feeling hopeless and stressed is one of the hardest things to deal with.

Why yes, it has been a bad week

It seems as if my idea of posting just articles has been demolished, and this blog has been turned into my own ranting place. Oh, well. I'll attempt to post a few new articles eventually...but for right now, I'll just rant.

My week has been terrible! Horrible! Actually turn that week into a month and you've got my life. School has been becoming unbearable. There are some moments where I come across a topic or something that interests me, but the incredible stupidity of people in my classes amaze me.

First off, not everyone gets on my nerves. Since I've hit my stress level, little things have started to bother me more. When some idiot decides to use a fake British accent (that isn't even close!), or when a teacher takes the entire class to explain something that should have taken 15 minutes, that ticks me off. I especially hate when that teacher expects you to pay complete attention to every little detail even though you've already gone over it. I don't have a terribly short attention span, but if you can't keep me interested or focused and drag on and on, then I will focus my attention on something productive. Aka- writing my novel.

On a good note: my novel is almost complete. On a bad note: I've hit the wall. It's not writer's block (I know what I'm going to write and I know how to say it), but I just don't have the will or desire to continue. I feel like life's drained me of all ambition, and I no longer want to learn about things I'm interested in or even read books. Right now I'm feeling numb as far as ambition and the will to do things go.

To top it off, I've been having a wonderful time with teenage insecurity. I feel like I have nothing to wear, that I'm too shy, that I look like a loser, etc, etc, etc. Being shy is one of my biggest insecurities. It's hard to explain how you've got so much to say, but you won't say it. If someone comes into my environment where I feel at home or in charge, I have no issues with chatting with them or being myself. However, when I'm put into a strange environment I become mute and shy. I know that a lot of people have the same issues, and being new doesn't help confidence levels. Oh, and the whole not knowing who you are or what you like is a big issue. Sometimes I feel as if I like things only because I know I'm supposed to like them. That's what a geeky asiemens would like, or that's what a teen's supposed to like.

I realize that all that I've ranted about will go away eventually. Or at least, my feelings towards it will decrease in frustration and anger. I get into these moods every year or so, and I absolutely hate them. Unfortunately, my parents are also pushing for me to get a job, and I'm going to explode soon if this all doesn't go away. Every time they push me, I really want to push harder and be difficult. It's the whole "It's my life, and I can do what I want" thing. Plus, I'm still feeling new and alone at school, and I really have no desire to deal with those same issues at a new job.

Christmas break (yes, Christmas break. Not winter break or holiday break) is looking very good right now. Only 3 more weeks to go. Ugh! It seems too far away.

The ranter extraordinaire,
asiemens

School issues

I haven't been writing much lately, and you can blame that on school. My schedule is so booked up and my teachers tend to give enough homework to drown in. I've been getting really frustrated with school lately. One of the things that got me to think was this article I read (I can't seem to find the link anymore) asking if we need high school or to what extent do we need it. It got me thinking about what I'd like to see change when it comes to school.

To give a background on my situation, I have four classes this semester: Social Studies, Pure Mathematics (aka: Pre-Calculus), Language Arts (highest level) and Chemistry. Now, out of these four there are only 2 that I'm somewhat happy with. They are Social and Math.

My Social Studies class has been a wonderful experience for me. My teacher has managed to incorporate technology into the course. However, I find that the course content barely scratches the surface of the issue. The course is based around the question of "To What Extent Should We Embrace Nationalism?" They grasp at straws in order to connect some of the subjects to the main point. It's like reading an essay in which the writer forgets to connect his thesis to his subjects until the end, and then scrambles to connect it as he runs out of time. I prefer the way my old school worked with Social Studies. In grade 9, we would take a general Social Studies in order to get us all on the same page. Then in grade 10, we took geography which focused on the economy, the land itself and politics. In grade 11, we took a history course. It focused on subjects like the French Revolution, Canada history in general, and the wars. I can't really recall what happens in grade 12, but I think we get to choose what kind of social we want to do.

Math has generally been good this year. My teacher is understanding and knows how to teach. There's not too much I'd change in that class.

Language Arts. Ugh! Basically all we do is analyze writing. It bores me to tears, and most of the books suck. I feel like I'm not learning any particular skill in that course, and I'm sad to report, but improving one's writing skill (as far as creative writing) does not seem part of the curriculum. We did a bit on poetry, but I'm not a huge poetry fan or poet myself. I feel as if I'm falling behind; in my last school I have a friend who's also an author and she's able to take a course dedicated to creative writing.

Chemistry is by far my least favourite course...in fact I pretty much hate it. My teacher does not know how to teach in a manner that allows students to learn and retain what they've learned. We have fill-in-the-blanks notes, that are never properly explained and her use of technology is just switching from an overhead projector to a computer. Nothing else is different, and I find that a waste of resources.

The general grievances I have include things like my student services person (I don't quite know what to call her) being a little bit of a bully. She stands her ground and attempts to make me feel like I'm the one that's wrong, but as soon as I bring my parents in the equation she backs down and acts like I just didn't ask the right questions.

I think if the school create or offered things like a creative writing course, or a history course, or more specialized courses. I think they've done a wonderful job with the sciences by adding medical sciences and forensic sciences and so forth. If they expanded that idea to include other courses, I think that would make school a lot more interesting. The majority of our schedules are taken up by the core courses since we only have 4 full day courses a semester, and some half day courses. Once again, drawing on my experiences at my previous school, I liked how we had 5 or 6 classes a day and had them everyday for the entire semester. You had a lot more choices and opportunities to try something new, and to take a break from traditional courses which can be a bit boring and draining.

Whew! Well, now that I got that all out, I do feel a bit better. NOTE: I have been having a bit of a bad week, so if it seems harsh keep in mind that that's what I feel right now. School hasn't been all too bad, although I find that teachers try their best not to know their students. In my Social class the use of technology like email and wikispaces makes it easier to contact a teacher and maybe start a conversation. If teachers could progress to the point of knowing their students and maybe the issues surrounding their life at the moment, it could potentially make school a better experience.

-A. Siemens

Looong time

Woah, have I been neglecting my blog or what? Sorry guys. I plan on doing a couple of Halloween posts today (aka-werewolves, zombies, etc) to keep the holiday season in mind. I'll do my best to get some articles to you asap.

I'm so glad it's almost the weekend...only a few more short hours and I'm out of here. ;)
Have a happy Halloween, and get ready for some more awesome articles!

-Asiemens

Up Early

Well, it's now 5:19 in the morning where I am. I was sleeping just fine for the past 5 hours until...well, I don't know why. I just decided to get up and found a moth hanging around my bedroom door. Oh, great. I hate moths. They're pretty harmless, but I just don't like them. So, after debating if I should wake up my friend who happened to be in the next room again (a few days ago, I heard some rustling in the middle of the night and thought that it was someone breaking in. Then I realized that would be stupid, and thought a bunch of bugs were tunnelling into my room. That made me so not happy so I woke her up and she came into my room to check it out. It ended up being a moth stuck in my cheap, paper blinds. I think my friend just likes being up at 3am every morning) in order for her to kill it or if I should just suck it up and be a somewhat brave girl, I grabbed something and attempted to work up the courage to go close enough so I could kill it. By the time I did, the moth flew up into my light fixture and now I'm here beside my computer feeling like I don't really want to step into that room until the bug's gone.

Yes, I don't like bugs. Killing flies, mosquitos or spiders; I'm used to. Killing moths...not so much. And this is the second time this week that one's gotten into my room. Greeeaaaat. I don't know how they get in there. I keep my window closed and locked, and my door closed. There's no other way in! Unless they're some sort of super bug that has it out for me, but I don't know how that would work. Maybe some sort of evil genius is behind it. Either way, I'm up at 5am, wishing it was gone.

Well, Ill try to work up the courage to go into the room, because a girl needs her 9 hours of sleep. Wish me luck!

LATER: Well, my friend ended up waking up just as I was finishing this post, so she double check my room for my chicken-self. Apparently the moth flew out, so I did finally get to sleep. And no, I did not wake up my friend. She got up all on her own. :)

Werewolves

Ok, I'm back! :) Again. Well, today I'm going to give you a sneak peek into my new novel, Daughter of Wolves. Remember the first article on vampires. Well, it got me interested in some other medieval supernatural events. So I decided to download a History Channel special off of itunes about werewolves. It ended up being about the 1760s Gévaudan 'werewolf' attacks in France. It was really interesting and I think you should check it out. It's an hour and 45 mintues of good quality investigation into the attacks for only $2. I think that's a good deal.

Anyway, after watching the episode, I got inspired to write a story about it. It's basically about a girl from the 1760s who lives in a small village called Gévaudan. (Note: Gévaudan was actually a province in France, but I chose to use it as a village instead) She doesn't really believe in the supernatural, but when strange things start happening to her and with something attacking her fellow villagers, she starts to discover that she isn't really who...or even what...she thought she was. Here's the intro:

You can't grow up in my lifetime not knowing about the supernatural. Werewolves, vampires, and witches are talked about as normally as the weather. The myths of those supernatural "creatures" were regarded as facts. Only an idiot in our little village wouldn't know that witches loved using children as ingredients because they added extra power (the power of pure innocence was very rare, and there for very powerful), vampires can live forever unless a stake is driven into their heart, and all werewolves are male. Such were the tales told throughout the village.

I happened to be more of a skeptic than most. Almost everyone I knew (save for a very select few that I kept very close) believed in those creatures. I thought they were all idiots; a population of crazies. Ironically, those crazies would soon become the only people I trusted; and then I would come to realize that I had been terribly mistaken about...well, almost everything I once thought and believed in. Either way, I believed what I believed then, and nothing else can be done about it now.

I was born in 1748. I don't know the exact date of my birth; I was abandoned in the countryside around Gévaudan by my parents. Luckily for me, I was found by local farmer and was adopted by him. I knew him only as Father, though in reality he was quite older and could have been my grandfather. I loved him dearly, and regarded him with great admiration. He never thought to beat me, and never raised his voice. He believed as I did, or rather I believed as he. He thought that the supernatural was just a silly tale; I agreed. As far is farmers went in those days, he was fairly educated and tried his best to drill into my head how important knowledge was. He believed more in science than anything else. He taught me how to read and write (as well as to think about what I'm reading, and use my head to distinguish the truth from the fiction), which was a rare education for a simple farmer's daughter like me. How he learned how to read and write, I never did figure it out. Most commoners were illiterate, but for those who weren't, reading was more of a fad than a tool for gaining knowledge. I tried not to brag about my literacy too much, and I held a special annoyance to those who flaunted it. My best friend happened to be one of those people, she came from the wealthiest family in Gévaudan (which isn’t saying much considering we were all on the lower class scale) and had managed to get an education through tutors. She never tired of showing off her knowledge and mocking those who didn’t know what she did. Sometimes I think the only reason we were friends is because I happened to be the only one close to her level.

As I mentioned previously, I grew up and lived in Gévaudan, which happened to be a small village in France. The people of Gévaudan (including myself) usually were born and died there. Hardly anyone had the “absurd” desire to explore anywhere else. Gévaudan was safe…at least it was until I turned sixteen.

It was the summer 1764 when my life changed dramatically. Like I said earlier, it was my sixteenth year. That year was already odd. It was a leap year, which of course, made everyone in the village weary. They kept saying “something bad will happen. It’s not right to have a year with an extra day. This year will be a terrible one”. My father and I scoffed at them and declared them lunatics in private. Saying that to ones face could get you into trouble.

Anyway, I was sixteen years old. Ever since January, I had been feeling weird. Every night I woke up in the darkness, feeling like I should be outside in the forest with all the other creatures. I’d force myself to lay back down and close my eyes, even though every part of me wanted to bolt out of bed and run barefoot through the forests of Gévaudan like all the animals. I would force my mind to work on numbers until I fell back asleep. When I woke up in the morning, I’d laugh it off, as if it was some kind of strange dream. I thought it had to be; no one dared to go into the forests at night. That’s when the wolves roamed. Though they left us alone during the day, we weren’t quite sure what would happen in the pitch black of night.

Not only did I wake up every night with the urge to run through the darkened forests, every time I saw a rabbit I wanted to chase it. For no reason! I just wanted to run after that rabbit and grab hold of it. It wouldn’t have done me any good, but I wanted to catch a rabbit. And I kept thinking my nails were too short. I wanted them to grow longer. I barely trimmed them like I used to, and whenever I did, I felt like it was so wrong. If you think all that was weird, I also developed a craving for meat; because we were poor we usually just ate bread or some fruits that we picked while exploring the forests. Meat was just for occasions, and I hadn’t ever eaten much of it. The only meat I’d really eaten was rabbit or chicken. Now, every time I went to milk our cow, I had the odd desire to kill her and eat her, although I knew she’d be more profitable to keep alive.

I was confused and didn’t know what was happening. I just chalked it up to growing older or maybe to my overactive imagination. Maybe I’d just been craving meat, so my mind twisted it and made it into this whole weird thing.

I was afraid to tell anyone about my urges. Those I kept close like my father, and my best friend, Chantelle, would probably deem me as insane as the rest of them. At least that’s what I thought would happen. Chantelle already thought I was a little off my rocker because I liked to be by myself or because I enjoyed nature. She was almost the opposite. She loved being surrounded by a bunch of people and she hated anything dirty, which included nature. Sometimes she mocked me for it, she say something like “You’d make it big one day, if you weren’t such a loner”. In a way I agreed with her. I’d never make it as one of those big shots in Paris if I kept my anti-social rules, but I just wished that she’d be more supportive.

My dream was to one day move away from Gévaudan, and to Paris. All the important people lived in Paris, and I wanted to be one of them. I was smart and a quick-learner, but it wasn’t just what I knew, but who I knew as well…and I had no idea how to make friends of those rich and important people, but I was determined to make it. I always told myself I would. I wasn’t going to be a nobody, I wanted people to know my name, and Gévaudan just wasn’t the place to do that.

As I was making my plans to free myself of this annoying village, a creature was beginning to stalk the forests of Gévaudan. It was a creature sometimes whispered about in myths and legends, but soon we, the people of Gévaudan, would find out find out the hard way that legends can transform into reality.