Let's begin with school, since that happens to be one of my major stress and issue factors. I happen to be in an AC English program, but I hate it. However, my parents want me to take it again next year; I don't want to. It is the most pointless academic program that I've ever come across. The only skill you learn or develop is the skill to twist anything into what you want it to be. Basically the whole class is about reading a book, dissecting it into meaningless little bits and then bull-shitting it. Everything you hear is basically a load of b.s. This is not what a high level course should be like. In my own perfect little world, it would consist of learning from other writers, improving your writing skills and getting decent feedback instead of the "good job" most of my (past) English teachers have given me. I don't give a shit if I did a good job, I want to know what I did wrong and what I can improve on! So those are my English class woes.
My parents keep telling me that I have awhile to figure this next thing out. I don't. I've got only a year. I moved last year to a new school. I'm not very fond of this school, and I'm not sure if it's my stress talking but I'm starting to despise it. Next year I'm graduating. Guess what? I'm still the new kid with a microscopic amount of friends here. I don't want to graduate here. I don't want to be associated with this school for the rest of my life. I want to go back and graduate with all my true friends and with my family there to see.
Unfortunately, I can't do this because I have to take that stupid AC program next year and it goes all year long, so I can't move back for the last semester. I miss my friends and my family, and as time goes by I'm starting to feel forgotten and ignored. I feel as if my friends are slowly separating from me; slowly drifting apart. Somedays I feel so alone, and lost. I don't have friends that can share common experience with. They're at another school, in another province. They don't have the same teachers, or have to be alone. If I had just one friend out here, maybe I could be myself and not this stupid shy, muted girl I am right now.
Now, let's get away from school. Well, not entirely away from school...this happens to be connected. I'm so frustrated with society. My parents keep telling me that I have to get better grades otherwise I won't get into university and then I won't have a good job, and so on. Why do I need a good job? Why can't I just do something that I love? Why can't I flip burgers by day, and write at night? Because society dictates that we must have certain things to have a "good life". Somedays I just want to ditch all this crap.
Honestly, somedays I wouldn't care if I lived in a small, one room (with adjacent bathroom. There are somethings that I just won't give up) cabin in the middle of nowhere. I think it's so pointless that we always have to strive to get better cars, a better house, and so forth. If it works, can't we still use it. Ha! I say that now, but as soon as someone starts questioning on some of my own things, I'll have to admit that I still want better things.
Do you ever want to revert back to the past? Sometimes I want to. I want to forget this obsessive need to be better, and just live. Even if it means some hard work. Heck, maybe that would be good for me. Is it possible to want to work hard? I almost do. Maybe in the future I'll by a deserted cabin on a farm and live like a pioneer or something. Save for the plumbing. I'm still a little spoiled and want to have a functioning toilet.
Speaking of the future, throughout several of my classes we've been talking about the future. A lot of dystopias. It makes me feel depressed and hopeless, and I don't understand why I should imagine that in 10 years I'll be a brain-washed follower of some government cult. Honestly, I want to live in the present. Living 10 years in the past is too stressful and depressing. There are so many things that can happen in 10 years, and I don't want to spend my time coming up with the gazillion things that might happen.
Right now, I feel so lost and disappointed. I hate this notion that intelligence is defined by what job you have. I'm sure that there's a lot of burger-flippers out there that are smart. Yet we devalue them because they get paid less. Right now I want to quit school, but I don't know what I'd do without it. Right now, I really want to tell my parents off and tell them that I just don't care anymore. I've hit a certain point and I honestly am so conflicted that I just don't care. Ha. That would go over well. That would just mean another worthless lecture that would make me feel even worse.
I so need someone to talk to. Someone who's not my parents, or my teachers, or my siblings or my friends. I want someone who's not completely biased. I want someone who won't disregard my statements as stupid. I don't think my parents even realize that they do see them as stupid. Yet, I feel like that's what they're telling me. I'm not stupid. I don't get low grades because I'm stupid. I get low grades because I don't care. I get low grades because I'm stressed and want out. I procrastinate to keep stress away, but it's only a short-term solution.
I feel like I'm a volcano about to erupt. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my life has already been planned out for me, and I don't get a say in it. I feel trapped. I feel like the walls are closing in, and I want them to stop. I can't pretend anymore. I try to stay somewhat happy and cheerful, but optimism is slowly going away.
I honestly don't know what to do, and that scares me. Feeling hopeless and stressed is one of the hardest things to deal with.
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