I think I'm making it up or exaggerating it. It's weird because I go through periods where I'm completely calm and wonder why it was ever an issue, but a few hours later will burst into tears. And when I'm calm again, it's like it never happened.
It feels like I'm just pretending; maybe I am. I stayed home from work, yet I feel like I should be there. There's no real guilt for missing it, which was a little surprising. It helps me to conclude that I'm not heading into another avoidance pattern, at least not yet.
It's nice, though. Staying home where everything's quiet and not having any guilt. I feel like I'm being nice to myself, as if I'm treating whatever's going on as if it's an actual illness. It feels good. For once, I'm not really pressuring myself to get something done or enjoy the time off while I have it. I really like the feeling.
Obviously, I'm calm right now. My head still feels sore and over-filled, and I still have a lot of confusion. I think one of the reasons I'm having such a hard time figuring out why I have a freak out is that once it's over, my mind erases the details. I freaked out last night before bed, started crying and such, but I don't know why. I don't remember what lead up to it, just what happened afterwards.
In good news, my mom was really great at helping me out last night. She spent the evening trying to distract me and let me know that I could wake her up and she'd spend the night talking with me too. It was nice to know I had that option, even if I didn't need it. I'm often worried about inconveniencing people, so I usually won't wake them up I'll just wait until they're up. I know my parents said that I was always able to wake them up for anything, but I still don't like to.
I feel very weird. I'm calmer than I've been for quite awhile, peaceful even, but I don't think it's going to last. At least it's nice to post something less negative for once
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