Why do I do this to myself? What the heck is wrong with me? I feel so judged by everyone. My mother is really getting tired of me missing school and I can understand why. She wants the best for me and wants me to try as hard as I can. I'm not sure if she fully understands how desperate I feel, and every time I answer her question with a "no, I didn't go to school" she looks so disappointed in me. I feel as if she judges me like everyone else.
I don't like it when she thinks all this is my fault. I don't like it when my sister says that everything I'm going through is no big deal. I understand why she's upset and doesn't like when I'm always talking with my dad. She feels as if she never gets any time to talk with him because of me and I understand that. I feel bad for taking up all his time and for being such a disappointment to my mother.
To be honest, at this point I'm just waiting for someone to give up on me. I'm waiting for the moment when someone just snaps on me. You want to hear why I'm avoiding school? I'm afraid of my teachers judging me for missing so much school, I'm afraid of my classmates remarks when I return, I don't want to do the lip dub in French and I want to wait until it's finished before going back, I'm afraid of the work that I'll have to do to catch up and I'm terrified of telling my teachers that I'm missing a week of school to go to Manitoba.
That's what I'm afraid of. That's why I won't go to school. I'm not oblivious to the fact that by avoiding it I'm making the situation worse and I'm just prolonging my stress. I realize this, but I can't help it!
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