Regretfully Sorry

I'm going slightly crazy right now, and I apologize but I just need to get it out of my head. I'm trying really hard to be nice to myself, but it's so hard. I'm so mad at me right now. I'm so frustrated and it's all my fault. I'm a complete idiot. And I know this will come out as an over-reaction, but I don't think I should ever have kids. There are multiple reasons for it, but I'll just focus on the trigger right now.

I'm such an idiot, why do I care so much about being helpful to others. I know I shouldn't, everyone knew I shouldn't, but I'm an idiot. Why can't I see it? Why do I get so stubborn and ignore all reason for the sake of trying to be worth it? God, I hate myself right now.

I now have this damn kitten that I desperately need to get rid of. I tried to be helpful. I just made myself an inconvenience. I know they're talking about me, I know they think I'm completely stupid. Why did I have to inconvenience them?

I took it in because someone needed help and I just wanted to be helpful, but of course I'm unable to sense the reality of a situation. I was only supposed to have it for a week and then my friend backed out, and there was someone who wanted to adopt it, but I haven't heard back. It's just been a hell of a week.

I feel bad for the poor thing because our dogs refuse to get along with it and it has to stay in a crate most of the day. I unable to care for it like it deserves, and it seems this terrible week has suddenly caught up with me and I'm left feeling extremely frustrated.

So, I'm very sorry that my poor siblings are stuck with this kitten. It was rude and inconsiderate of me to stress them out. And I'm sorry to my dad, who's advice I refused to listen to because I have a compulsion to be helpful. Dammit self, get your shit together and remember to always sleep on it first.

Dating Doubts at Midnight

It's currently the middle of the night and my brain refuses to take a break. I've had a bit of a rough week which has caused me to have underlying frustration that I don't know how to deal with, which would be fine but it has pushed a few small worries to the surface. Here's my attempt to deal with those by getting them out of my head.

I've tried talking about relationships before, maybe not on this blog, but to various people and in my journal. However, they have been very little to no help at all. I think the fact that I've been struggling with this one for awhile and that it always seems to be hiding just below the surface is the reason why it popped up so strongly now.

Over the last few months I've felt a strong need or desire for a relationship. Maybe it's because I just feel that by now I should have had something like one or maybe it's because I've just been feeling a strong need for physical interaction like hugging or just touching someone. I don't really know how to explain it and I'm sure I come off as slightly crazy, and I know I'm way overthinking.

I'm not really ashamed that I haven't had a real relationship yet, because I don't think I was ever ready for one before now. I needed to become more confident in myself and figure some shit out. At least that's what I think 80% of the time. Every now and then that evil little whispering voice creeps in and says there's something wrong with me.

It doesn't help when someone else jumps in to point out what might be wrong. They learn that I haven't really had much dating opportunities and they can't help but try to fix what's broken. They say I send out a "certain vibe" of someone who's anxious or shy, that I have a baby face and look too young, that I'm too smart and intimate guys (solution was to dumb myself down), I'm too quiet, etc. Fyi, I actually have had all these pointed out to me.

Anyway, every time I enter a new social environment like a new job or school, I can't help but hope that I might meet someone who may just think I'm dateable. Hell, I've even thought of online dating already, but I made a promise to myself to try the real life stuff first and wait until my mid 20s before giving it a go.

Then let's take a step back and realize that I'm not even sure if I need a boyfriend. Sometimes, and I know this is a little stupid, I feel pre-destined for a solitary life, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I could quite easily see myself living by myself and enjoying it. There's just this feeling of there is nobody for you, you're just not meant to have a relationship.

Either way, I am waaaaay overthinking my life, as per always.