Why Blog?

Awhile ago I wrote a couple of blog posts on religion and admitting my uncertainty was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. A lot of my friends and family are very religious and I was afraid that they would reject me because of my different views. I ended up mentioning this to someone and they asked why  I would post something like that if I was so worried.

I don't even know my exact reasons for posting it, but I'm glad I did. I think that it was my way of trying to get people to understand or trying something risky. Like I said, no matter my reasons at the time I'm so glad I did it. Becoming an open book and revealing almost every thought is such a freeing experience. I don't think I could ever convey the amount of peace and pride in myself I feel by writing my thoughts down.

I just wanted to address that because I had never thought about why I had done it. On to what's really bothering me. I'm getting worse. I chicken out continually. I can't even make myself go to the store at certain hours because I think, in this twisted mind of mine, that it's socially wrong to go shopping at hours before or later than 12pm-7pm. I feel ashamed. I feel like I'm a disappointment, like I've somehow failed life and that there's no hope for me.

I spoke with my therapist today and she asked what I plan about doing for the next school semester (how I'll face going to school). I don't know. I don't have a plan. In fact, in all honesty, I'm at the level of giving up. I just want to drop out of school, but what will happen when I do? What's going to change and what will happen with my life? Will I give up completely on everything? Will I become more of a burden than I am already? Help me, please. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to face this or how to get better. I need help but I don't know where to get it.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why am I so stupid? I ask myself these questions constantly and I realize what I'm doing to myself. I realize that I shouldn't hit myself when I do something "embarrassing" or "wrong", but all the same, hitting myself makes the feelings of shame and guilt go away. I'm not stupid in the fact that I don't realize what is wrong or right, I'm stupid because I continually listen to the irrational side of my brain and choose to run away from everything.

I realize that I'm harming myself being not going to school, avoiding certain areas and refusing to get a job. I know that I'm somewhat irrational. I don't think people realize how aware you are of your own problems. There's this constant awareness of everything that's going on and what influences my reactions. It's really interesting to know that, but I'd rather not have this much first-hand experience.

On another note, I'm even more nervous for my doctor's appointment. I'm very cautious about what doctors say to me now. I'm fearful that I'm going to go to this appointment and she'll think that I only have minor problems that she can't do anything about. I'm worried that they're missing something and I'll suddenly become extremely ill all over again. I feel like they've all just stopped listening and just assume what's wrong with me. I'm tired of all this crap; I'm tried of having no follow up and moving from one doctor to another.

That's all I can rant about for today, lest I break into tears. Hopefully, I'll get better. Hopefully, I'll figure out a way to go back to school again. Hopefully, I'll stop disappointing my mother. I'm tired of her looking at me like I've failed her and that I'm just a big pain. I want my parents to be proud of me so badly and I don't want to be a burden to them. I don't want them thinking I'm worthless and that's how I feel right now.

Wish me luck!