Thoughts: The November Edition

Some more thoughts from my notebook, enjoy! If I keep up with all this writing, I might have to have a monthly edition. :P


Words are meant to be powerful and emotional; any word that does not help to create meaning is not meant to be used. (This is more of a reminder to myself. I tend to add in a lot of filler words and I need to try and avoid that. Guaranteed, you'll find a lot of those filler words throughout all my blog posts)

Minutes without seconds; weeks without days. We cannot describe one without the other nor should we describe ourselves based upon one moment or one thought. As constantly evolving individuals, it's not possible to categorize us using only a brief moment in time. 


I fear what will be left behind when my physical body returns to the Earth. The recent deaths and the absolute grief and disruption among the school causes me to rethink what I want to happen after I'm gone. The selfish, attention grabbing me would want everyone to know of my physical death and to have memorials devoted to me. However, knowing myself and the shy individual I am, few would know me alive or remember me dead. Those who would miss me, I wouldn't want to feel grief. I would want them to read all of my writings and for them to understand the person I am (or was). I would want every last written thought, story or idea published and shared whether it be on paper or a blog or website. I'd hope that someone like me would read them and find comfort for themselves in it. I once thought of burying my body as an Egyptian pharaoh; to be mummified and buried in an underground tomb with all of my prized possessions. The idea behind this was to give future people a glimpse of what life was like for me. Although I still wish to be of use and give a window into the past, I'd prefer my writing to speak not my physical body which only served as a vessel for my being. Now, I'd say 'burn my dead body, give my organs to those who need them and don't bother to set up a tombstone.' My life was not spent in one place and neither should my body. Allow only my memory, things left behind and my writing to remain as a testament to my existence.


Remember not which should be forgotten
Shed tears not for memories that deserve a smile
Love all not only those who have earned it
Mourn not for a lost life that has been well lived
But rejoice in the blessed moments you were given


My mind is a constant, spinning mess and often I wish it would slow down for a minute so I could rest. Yet within that mess there are solid ideas and I'd rather spend days searching for them, then lose them for a little peace. 


Perhaps I'm too analytical about social relationships and the on-going chaos in my life has drifted into my thinking processes. Maybe my inner need for control in one of my last controlled areas amidst my own personal chaos has lead me to view everything in a very procedural, analytical manner. My mind, lately, has been on hyper-drive and keeps flipping between hundreds of ideas, not bothering to hang onto one for more than a moment. The idea may be returned to in the future, but still as only a flash, not with any substance or depth. 


I have noticed some changes within myself, such as the greater need for silence and peace as well as distance between myself and other people. I don't like being around people, listening to their mindless chit-chat that doesn't lead to any ideas, and I don't want to be disturbed by them. I want to be as free of restrictions and irrelevant subjects in my life as possible. Conformity and authoritarian structure bothers me to a great degree; I want to be able to learn and do what I'd like without being judged (marks or otherwise). 


I realize that there must be a constant standard used in school to compare individuals and determine the amount of knowledge gained. I am a believer in the thought that intelligence cannot be determined or 'graded'. Intelligence is such an indeterminate quality that involves itself in every aspect of life. How an individual communicates with others, memorization abilities, the ability to relate information to other topics and others, vary among individuals. There are so many factors to an individual's intelligence level that we can't possibly create an accurate measuring system to compare them all. It would be like comparing an octopus' ability to fit through the smallest hole with a plant's ability to photosynthesize. That's why I hate it when people try to determine someone's intelligence; fyi, IQ tests are a bunch of crap.


Yay! My fingers and wrists made it through all this typing! Hurrah! This means I deserve something chocolately. Oh, yeah. I know you're jealous. ;)