Hopeless

Yay, another relapse into a depressed state. Please try to understand me, I know it'll be difficult in this post, but please try. I don't want to go to school. I'd rather have a packet from each of my teachers that I can complete on my own time at home and only have to go to school to write tests. At least for the next few weeks until Christmas vacation. It my just be my delusional mind, but nothing seems wrong about that to me.

A part of me sees nothing wrong with living life away from people or at least limiting the amount of people I have around me. The other part already thinks I'm bat-crap crazy and is calling the lovely hospital that gives people sweaters that let them hug themselves. The only problem I could foresee is the lack of money and inability to provide for myself. Maybe internet blogging or novel-writing would work for me. Yeah, I realize that it's an improbability.

I feel like everything is hopeless. I think that I've already missed so much school, causing this semester to go to crap and there's no way to salvage it. What will high school do for me? What am I getting out of it? Other than the opportunity to go to another school that restrains me in the same way that this school does. Why can't I learn what I want to? Why does there have to be restrictions on things? Is the amount of time spent in high school too much? Are there too many restrictions on teens as far as learning goes? Do we restrict learning to a point in which it becomes a useless, hopeless endeavour? What would work better?

Sticking with the topic of post high school, what will happen to me? Is there a job out there that would suit me or am I too much of a 'flip-flopper' to decided on one? Am I to the point where I've become hopeless? Will I always have this anxiety, will it always confine me and will I always give into it? Maybe I'm just not a fighter. Maybe I can't fight my way out of this or fight to get what I want in life. At which point should I just give up?

I fear that I will become nothing. I fear that I will become a waste of time and that nothing I do will ever have an impact. I fear regretting every single moment of my life and realizing that I screwed up everything. I fear what people will think of me if I do. I fear rejection. I fear abandonment. I fear the moment that I ruin everything and people will just get tired of trying to help me. I'm tired of asking people to help me. I'm tired of needing help. I fear the time that I lose everything; the moment that my friends and family finally have enough and say 'Get Out!'. I fear reality.


The fear that grips my heart
The fear that mars my being and deems it worthless
The fear that makes me hopeless
The fear that leads to more fear

The tears that run down my face
The tears that represent my struggles
The tears that prove my fragility
The tears that lead to the human within


The stories that make me laugh
The stories that let me live in a different world
The stories that I dream up
The stories that lead to more stories


The morning chai tea that's brought to me
The morning tea that makes me feel like someone cares
The morning tea that says 'someone remembered you'
The morning tea that leads to smiles


The music that makes me sing
The music that makes me dance
The music that makes me feel like a happy dork
The music that leads to my soul


The thoughts that threaten to destroy me
The thoughts that encourage my reconstruction 
The thoughts that remain hidden for fear of rejection
The thoughts that lead to understanding


The moments that darkness clings to
The moments that hope refuses to lose
The moments that cause me to think
The moments that lead to my creation