Well, my dad and I were talking today and I may have shown some signs of agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder in which people start to avoid certain situations and places because of the fear of having a panic attack in a place where it may be difficult or embarrassing to escape from. Let's look at why this might apply to me! :)
I really, really don't want to go back to school. In fact, I've just recently begun to think of going to Student Services and trying to figure out a way to do my school work here at home...at least until Christmas break. I'm afraid of falling too far behind in class or being judged by my teachers, I'm afraid of having my stomach start up and being embarrassed in front of the entire class, and I don't want to talk to anyone there. Maybe by getting my homework ahead of time and having the ability to work through it on my own without worrying about the same deadlines that the class has would give me the opportunity to catch up and I would worry less about problems with my teachers. This may be very flawed thinking, but my mind right now thinks it's a brilliant idea.
It's possible that I've always had agoraphobia. If I was late for class or couldn't find the right class and was afraid of being embarrassed, I would simply skip it. I don't like going to new places by myself because I might embarrass myself. Of course certain places are worse than others, going to a specific appointment or place is more nerve-wracking than going to a mall and just looking around. I also tend to really freakout whenever I get lost, because I may be late and make a complete fool of myself. I've never really looked at all these little 'quirks' at one time, but there's a definite pattern. I've also never really considered them to be too much of an issue, but seeing them all together it makes me feel like I'm way more screwed up than I thought.
Luckily, I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow so hopefully I'll have some idea of what I can possible do to help it. I still don't want to go to school (and I'm loving the idea of doing all my work at home) and I probably won't go tomorrow. I'm being honest here. For some reason, I don't want to be forced to go to school before Christmas break and have the, what I am almost sure is a, flawed idea that returning after Christmas break will be so much easier.
Anyway, that's all I have to say for now. Avez-vous une bonne soirée!
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