As I go through all of this inner chaos, I find myself questioning everything. What do I believe in? Is the religion I'm currently in what I believe in? Do I want to start looking into 'changing' religions? I don't know. Do I romanticize certain ideas over others just because they're different and 'exotic' to me?
There's a piece of me that wishes to believe that the soul/mind is a separate entity from the body and that there is never an 'end' for it. Part of me rejects the idea of a heaven or hell. To have a final place that is so definite makes me feel at unease. Maybe the soul/mind is recycled and bodies are simply its 'hosts'. Maybe I just like the idea of a host body because it makes for a good story. I don't know.
I don't reject religion in its entirety. I can't just stop believing in it...there has to be something there. Even if there isn't, I have to believe there is. The idea of all religion stemming from one tree, is a nice way to tie everything up in a neat little package, maybe that's why I like that idea. Is religion merely a human need to make life seem worth it or is true?
I almost feel the sting of rejection just for thinking these things. What I fear most is for my friends and family to reject me because of my questioning. I feel like it's such a taboo topic; to even dare to think these things feels like betrayal. But I can't be the only one who has ever gone through this, I'm sure tons of my friends and family have had these thoughts, they just don't talk about it. Sometimes I feel that people put up this air of perfection and unwavering devotion to God, but as humans we can't truly have that. We are flawed beings. Shouldn't we instead talk freely about our flaws and our doubts when it comes to religion, instead of falsifying our being?
It bothers me when people constantly use God as an excuse, as if using his name in a phrase will hold some sort of magic over everyone. "God wanted it to happen" or "If God wills it to"...maybe God allows it to happen to give us the opportunity to grow and fight for it. I doubt God hands us everything on a silver platter, we can't just wait around uttering those magic phrases and believe that something will just happen. We need to work for it.
All-in-all (as I go in a round-a-bout way, as my thoughts generally are), I believe that our flaws should be displayed and celebrated. Or at least, how we manoeuvre around these flaws should be celebrated. Perfection will never and can never be obtained by us, why do we act like perfection is the only option? We work so hard to cover up all of our flaws and give the illusion of perfection; it bothers me to no end! Besides, is there only one kind of perfection? Imperfection is perfection; our flaws make us who we are, they make us human. God created us with flaws for a reason, for what reason I don't know. Yet, He sees us as his perfect creation.
Arrgh! Confusion. So much confusion! I love how I start off with one idea and my brain completely goes of topic. It's a channel flipper, that's all I can say. Topic to topic to topic and back to topic A, then topic C and back to A, then B, etc. You should really read my notebook. I must spend the majority of my day writing down random and disconnected thoughts. Maybe I'll post some more, but for right now I'm tired and I need to quiet my brain not fuel the fire.
No comments:
Post a Comment