Chores and Nagging

I'm going to attempt to write this post without saying that all parents suck and teenagers should be able to do anything they want. We'll see if I'll be successful or not, but that's my goal.

I've discovered that I get a lot more satisfaction out of things that I complete when I want to and without the help of parents informing me that something needs to be cleaned up. Granted, I am horrible at cleaning and occasionally I due deserve a kick in the pants, but I feel a lot happier if I come up with the idea to clean up by myself and accomplish it without the nagging support that most parents are eager to give.

I am a basement dweller. It's not that I particularly like to be underground, it's just the area with less traffic and people that might want me to do something or like to lecture me on how I am screwing up my life. Lectures, if repeated more than 10 times, are very ineffective and most of the time I'll tune out and pretend that every time we go out of the house as a family I do not get lectured. In fact, lectures will automatically make me aggressive and prone to having freak outs or arguments. Just as vacuum cleaners, alarm clocks, paper shredders and my mother yelling at me to clean up do. Those are the moments when I grit my teeth, try my best to hold my tongue and not say something that would cause things to escalate, and pop some earbuds in my ears to drown out annoyances.

Positive comments are more effective than negative (Hint: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar). So rather than force me to do something, attempt to give me more free reign while still suggesting a complete a task. For example, "Clean up now!" will cause me to get angry, but giving me a set 'due date' like "I'd like this cleaned up before supper" will make it easier for me to handle. Telling me anything in command form,  "You need to go back to school tomorrow" or "You need to get a job", is frustrating to me, but making small goals like "Try to be at school for at least 3 days next week" or "By the end of the week, you should have handed in at least two resumes" are less stressful for me and I'm more likely to do them.

I understand how I can be very frustrating. I understand how it can be hard not to order someone around when you need a task done. I'm aware of the fact that if I was in my parents situation, I probably would order my child around too. It's hard to break the mindset of ordering someone and transitioning to making small goals. I'm having a hard time doing this myself. I'm trying not to have bad self-talk, but to encourage myself and it's incredibly hard.

Nagging causes me more stress than you could imagine. It is one thing to bring up a particular topic, like "this room needs to be cleaned up" or "a job would allow you to have some extra spending cash", but when that topic is continually forced upon me I grow frustrated and angry. It makes me less likely to do it, because I want that satisfaction I get from accomplishing it when I want. Ask me once, set a goal and let me take care of it. If I don't, then you have full reign to stress me out and take away any of the privileges you deem to be fair punishment.

Today, the basement (where I dwell) was a mess because of me. When I was up this morning, I noticed that and made a mental note to clean up. All is well. Then my dearest father comes down and tells me to clean it up. The stress level rises. I get more frustrated because I already had the idea to clean it up and now he's ordering me to do it, robbing the satisfaction of being able to say "I did it all by myself without anyone asking me to". He didn't know that I already had the thought, so really I can't blame him for that. However, then he comes down every hour and tells me to clean it up. More importantly, he interrupts my de-stressing time (usually when I'm in my room listening to music) to tell me. Stress level grows even higher. In my mind, I'm refusing to clean up right after he asks me to because he's robbed that good feeling of doing something by myself again. I want to do it when I want to. Then he finally snaps and orders me to do it right away. The stress level has hit critical levels and my main job is trying not to start an argument that would probably result with me getting even angrier.

I finished said task when he ordered me to that time, to avoid another lecture. I was not happy and I do not feel like I've accomplished anything. In fact, I feel as if I've just cleaned up and he'll come down stairs to point out something I missed. That will be the level where my head will pop off and I will inwardly kill myself. (Note: here he comes, tell him to go away!!!!!) (Now he's ordering me to go on a drive with him, and to stop blogging until later. Go away!)  (He's gone)

So, in conclusion I'm a little bit psycho. I have issues with people ordering me around and my dad likes to both lecture and order me around. Somedays I can take it better, today I am in a crappy mood. Now, I will stop blogging and go on a drive with him (Code word for: "Let's talk and grab some coffee"), just to see what he has to say and maybe get a snack out of it.

Why Blog?

Awhile ago I wrote a couple of blog posts on religion and admitting my uncertainty was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. A lot of my friends and family are very religious and I was afraid that they would reject me because of my different views. I ended up mentioning this to someone and they asked why  I would post something like that if I was so worried.

I don't even know my exact reasons for posting it, but I'm glad I did. I think that it was my way of trying to get people to understand or trying something risky. Like I said, no matter my reasons at the time I'm so glad I did it. Becoming an open book and revealing almost every thought is such a freeing experience. I don't think I could ever convey the amount of peace and pride in myself I feel by writing my thoughts down.

I just wanted to address that because I had never thought about why I had done it. On to what's really bothering me. I'm getting worse. I chicken out continually. I can't even make myself go to the store at certain hours because I think, in this twisted mind of mine, that it's socially wrong to go shopping at hours before or later than 12pm-7pm. I feel ashamed. I feel like I'm a disappointment, like I've somehow failed life and that there's no hope for me.

I spoke with my therapist today and she asked what I plan about doing for the next school semester (how I'll face going to school). I don't know. I don't have a plan. In fact, in all honesty, I'm at the level of giving up. I just want to drop out of school, but what will happen when I do? What's going to change and what will happen with my life? Will I give up completely on everything? Will I become more of a burden than I am already? Help me, please. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to face this or how to get better. I need help but I don't know where to get it.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why am I so stupid? I ask myself these questions constantly and I realize what I'm doing to myself. I realize that I shouldn't hit myself when I do something "embarrassing" or "wrong", but all the same, hitting myself makes the feelings of shame and guilt go away. I'm not stupid in the fact that I don't realize what is wrong or right, I'm stupid because I continually listen to the irrational side of my brain and choose to run away from everything.

I realize that I'm harming myself being not going to school, avoiding certain areas and refusing to get a job. I know that I'm somewhat irrational. I don't think people realize how aware you are of your own problems. There's this constant awareness of everything that's going on and what influences my reactions. It's really interesting to know that, but I'd rather not have this much first-hand experience.

On another note, I'm even more nervous for my doctor's appointment. I'm very cautious about what doctors say to me now. I'm fearful that I'm going to go to this appointment and she'll think that I only have minor problems that she can't do anything about. I'm worried that they're missing something and I'll suddenly become extremely ill all over again. I feel like they've all just stopped listening and just assume what's wrong with me. I'm tired of all this crap; I'm tried of having no follow up and moving from one doctor to another.

That's all I can rant about for today, lest I break into tears. Hopefully, I'll get better. Hopefully, I'll figure out a way to go back to school again. Hopefully, I'll stop disappointing my mother. I'm tired of her looking at me like I've failed her and that I'm just a big pain. I want my parents to be proud of me so badly and I don't want to be a burden to them. I don't want them thinking I'm worthless and that's how I feel right now.

Wish me luck!

Judgement

Why do I do this to myself? What the heck is wrong with me? I feel so judged by everyone. My mother is really getting tired of me missing school and I can understand why. She wants the best for me and wants me to try as hard as I can. I'm not sure if she fully understands how desperate I feel, and every time I answer her question with a "no, I didn't go to school" she looks so disappointed in me. I feel as if she judges me like everyone else.

I don't like it when she thinks all this is my fault. I don't like it when my sister says that everything I'm going through is no big deal. I understand why she's upset and doesn't like when I'm always talking with my dad. She feels as if she never gets any time to talk with him because of me and I understand that. I feel bad for taking up all his time and for being such a disappointment to my mother.

To be honest, at this point I'm just waiting for someone to give up on me. I'm waiting for the moment when someone just snaps on me. You want to hear why I'm avoiding school? I'm afraid of my teachers judging me for missing so much school, I'm afraid of my classmates remarks when I return, I don't want to do the lip dub in French and I want to wait until it's finished before going back, I'm afraid of the work that I'll have to do to catch up and I'm terrified of telling my teachers that I'm missing a week of school to go to Manitoba.

That's what I'm afraid of. That's why I won't go to school. I'm not oblivious to the fact that by avoiding it I'm making the situation worse and I'm just prolonging my stress. I realize this, but I can't help it!

Ashamed

I feel like such a loser today. I feel weak and pathetic because I'm unable to make myself go to school. I haven't been at school since Thursday of last week; the only class I've attended is English because I had to hand-in an essay. I've even started lying about it. I told my mom I went to Chem class yesterday, in reality I drove around downtown Edmonton for an hour. I can't believe I lied to her about that, I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about it.

This morning I tried to make myself go to Social, but as I was putting on makeup I made a mistake and couldn't fix it in time for class, so I skipped class. What the heck is wrong with me? And my stupid mind actually tried to rationalize it. My stomach randomly starts up every now and then (and has been a pain all morning), so I'm "sick". Then my mind reminds me of having to use public bathrooms or leaving class and how embarrassing that would be. And being judged by my teachers, that scares me so of course avoiding it will make it all better. Believe me, I know the faulty logic in every one of these excuses, yet they make me feel better for missing school.

I'm so stupid! In my last post I suggested that I might not be a fighter and I might not have the ability to get what I want out of time. My question still stands: At what point should I give up? All these ideas still hold true to me. I can't help it. I'm getting more and more desperate. I keep hoping for something to change, but nothing does.

 I'm in a constant limbo; like walking on a tightrope with no solid ground in sight. I want to runaway from everything, to just pack up and leave all my problems here, but I know that it won't work. My problems will follow me no matter where I go. I wrote an essay and in it I said that "when people run away from responsibility and towards their perceived happiness, in reality they're running from true happiness and peace" and "In order to accept responsibility, one must realize that by doing so they will gain inner-peace and pride in themselves". Hypocritical, isn't it? Sometimes I feel like everything I write is just a bunch of lies, even I feel like a lie.

Hopeless

Yay, another relapse into a depressed state. Please try to understand me, I know it'll be difficult in this post, but please try. I don't want to go to school. I'd rather have a packet from each of my teachers that I can complete on my own time at home and only have to go to school to write tests. At least for the next few weeks until Christmas vacation. It my just be my delusional mind, but nothing seems wrong about that to me.

A part of me sees nothing wrong with living life away from people or at least limiting the amount of people I have around me. The other part already thinks I'm bat-crap crazy and is calling the lovely hospital that gives people sweaters that let them hug themselves. The only problem I could foresee is the lack of money and inability to provide for myself. Maybe internet blogging or novel-writing would work for me. Yeah, I realize that it's an improbability.

I feel like everything is hopeless. I think that I've already missed so much school, causing this semester to go to crap and there's no way to salvage it. What will high school do for me? What am I getting out of it? Other than the opportunity to go to another school that restrains me in the same way that this school does. Why can't I learn what I want to? Why does there have to be restrictions on things? Is the amount of time spent in high school too much? Are there too many restrictions on teens as far as learning goes? Do we restrict learning to a point in which it becomes a useless, hopeless endeavour? What would work better?

Sticking with the topic of post high school, what will happen to me? Is there a job out there that would suit me or am I too much of a 'flip-flopper' to decided on one? Am I to the point where I've become hopeless? Will I always have this anxiety, will it always confine me and will I always give into it? Maybe I'm just not a fighter. Maybe I can't fight my way out of this or fight to get what I want in life. At which point should I just give up?

I fear that I will become nothing. I fear that I will become a waste of time and that nothing I do will ever have an impact. I fear regretting every single moment of my life and realizing that I screwed up everything. I fear what people will think of me if I do. I fear rejection. I fear abandonment. I fear the moment that I ruin everything and people will just get tired of trying to help me. I'm tired of asking people to help me. I'm tired of needing help. I fear the time that I lose everything; the moment that my friends and family finally have enough and say 'Get Out!'. I fear reality.


The fear that grips my heart
The fear that mars my being and deems it worthless
The fear that makes me hopeless
The fear that leads to more fear

The tears that run down my face
The tears that represent my struggles
The tears that prove my fragility
The tears that lead to the human within


The stories that make me laugh
The stories that let me live in a different world
The stories that I dream up
The stories that lead to more stories


The morning chai tea that's brought to me
The morning tea that makes me feel like someone cares
The morning tea that says 'someone remembered you'
The morning tea that leads to smiles


The music that makes me sing
The music that makes me dance
The music that makes me feel like a happy dork
The music that leads to my soul


The thoughts that threaten to destroy me
The thoughts that encourage my reconstruction 
The thoughts that remain hidden for fear of rejection
The thoughts that lead to understanding


The moments that darkness clings to
The moments that hope refuses to lose
The moments that cause me to think
The moments that lead to my creation

School and Agoraphobia

Well, my dad and I were talking today and I may have shown some signs of agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder in which people start to avoid certain situations and places because of the fear of having a panic attack in a place where it may be difficult or embarrassing to escape from. Let's look at why this might apply to me! :)

I really, really don't want to go back to school. In fact, I've just recently begun to think of going to Student Services and trying to figure out a way to do my school work here at home...at least until Christmas break. I'm afraid of falling too far behind in class or being judged by my teachers, I'm afraid of having my stomach start up and being embarrassed in front of the entire class, and I don't want to talk to anyone there. Maybe by getting my homework ahead of time and having the ability to work through it on my own without worrying about the same deadlines that the class has would give me the opportunity to catch up and I would worry less about problems with my teachers. This may be very flawed thinking, but my mind right now thinks it's a brilliant idea.

It's possible that I've always had agoraphobia. If I was late for class or couldn't find the right class and was afraid of being embarrassed, I would simply skip it. I don't like going to new places by myself because I might embarrass myself. Of course certain places are worse than others, going to a specific appointment or place is more nerve-wracking than going to a mall and just looking around. I also tend to really freakout whenever I get lost, because I may be late and make a complete fool of myself. I've never really looked at all these little 'quirks' at one time, but there's a definite pattern. I've also never really considered them to be too much of an issue, but seeing them all together it makes me feel like I'm way more screwed up than I thought.

Luckily, I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow so hopefully I'll have some idea of what I can possible do to help it. I still don't want to go to school (and I'm loving the idea of doing all my work at home) and I probably won't go tomorrow. I'm being honest here. For some reason, I don't want to be forced to go to school before Christmas break and have the, what I am almost sure is a, flawed idea that returning after Christmas break will be so much easier.

Anyway, that's all I have to say for now. Avez-vous une bonne soirée!

Stability!

I've been feeling surprisingly stable these past few days, and all the noise in my head has quieted down to a manageable level. There's still some chaos, but I don't feel on the edge...at least for right now. I haven't been feeling the greatest physically, which could explain why I'm doing well mentally. I can't recall exactly what my dad said but it falls along the lines of when something's going wrong, our mind goes calm and focuses in on trying to fix that one aspect. At least, that's what I got out of that conversation. :P

Either way, I welcome peace with open arms! It took long enough for my mind to get to this point and honestly, I feel like I can tolerate the physical pain better for the time being. Give me a couple more days and I'll start whining about that too. ;)

Sleep still hasn't been the greatest, but I've been getting more. I can't seem to sleep more than 8 hours though, and an uninterrupted sleep is still unattainable. School is still the very last place I want to be, even the thought gives me stress, and I still can't get myself to read any of the books from English. They're too depressing for me and so I've been reading nothing but fluff for the past few weeks in an attempt to keep my brain from exploding. Too many opinions and debates for a girl that needs to think everything through and doesn't like to choose one side.

My appetite is on and off. Today I had two lunches, but yesterday my portions of food were fairly small. I still fear losing too much weight and I'm hoping that I can gain some when I visit my relatives for Christmas. Luckily, both my grandmas are excellent chefs and I doubt that I will ever have an empty stomach while visiting them.

I have been keeping to myself a bit, and like to spend most of my time in the basement (which is usual for me), but I have no deserve to talk things through with people anymore. Like I said in an earlier post, now I just want something to be done and talking about it isn't helping. So, I've also tried not to have that many 'deep' conversations with my dad about how to handle my mind's craziness, partially because I don't want to talk anymore and I'm finding myself disagreeing with a lot of what he says. Although, I know I may have to agree with him in the future when all this is sorted out. Stupid smart side of my brain. Quit it! Just say he's wrong!

Anyway, I think that's about it. Nothing much has been going on and no more 'big' debates on politics, religion or human behaviour, which has been appreciated!