Bad thoughts

I've discovered something rather terrifying as I underwent a meltdown (alright, I'm still in it but it's slightly better). I have many bad thoughts when I fail at something. I used to slap or pinch myself when I thought I'd failed or caused myself shame. (Random side thought: shame is my new favourite word to describe that emotion. I used to use guilt which is equally valid, but guilt more implies that I feel it solely because I've done something wrong to someone. Shame is my belief that I have failed, embarrassed myself, and/or somehow failed my family or their expectations. It's the feeling of wanting to flee and disappear and hide away so no one knows and so I don't fail them. {Side note to the side note: yes I'm melodramatic in the midst of a meltdown})

It's like that look that a dog has on its face after it knows it's done something wrong, except less cute and more like "I need to vomit to purge myself of this shame and as a representation of how terrible I am". So yeah, less cute.

Every time I get a moment of shame I have the sudden desire to bang my head against something hard. The worst part about it is that I don't feel bad for thinking it, I kinda like the idea but logic always stops me. Don't do it, you'll regret it. You'll go brain dead and then you'll be totally useless. Your parents will hate you even more for making them suffer and pay to keep you alive or for their subsequent therapy because they know their daughter is that pathetic. 

I hate how pathetic I am. I had that my reaction is to hide or not even try because I think I'm a failure. I hate how I can just fight through stuff, I just roll over and take it. I'd never ever be one of those fearless warrior women I like to imagine I am; I'd just be one of their mothers telling them not to be different, to fit in, and just give up, it's not possible.

Damn I hate myself sometimes, I just want to be different. I want to be the opposite of me. I want to be someone brave, I want to be a fighter, I want to face things head on and I want to succeed rather than constantly fail, or at the very least not care that I failed and push on and try harder. Anyone but me would be nice right now