Chickening Out

Right now, I'm incredibly disappointed in myself...and I'm nervous about what I plan to write in this post. I hate what I do to myself. I hate that I like to ruin things for myself. I've talked about my agoraphobia in some previous posts and the fact that I have a really hard time forcing myself to go to school. As soon as I get one little excuse, I continue to use it. It's incredibly hard for me to make myself go to school and I don't know why. Yes, the agoraphobia does play a role, but I want to know why I chicken out so much.

Today's Truth: I went to school to go to math class, but I'd forgotten that we had an assignment due. I didn't want anyone to know, so I rationalized in my head that I was sick and needed to go home. Ten minutes into class and I left. I have not been feeling well for the last week. I've had a terrible cold that doesn't let me get much sleep (I sleep about 4 hours max. I usually wake up at 2am and just lie there until it's time to get up) and I feel very bloated. I constantly feel full, even when I haven't eaten anything, and when I do it, I feel like I've gorged myself and need to throw up. I still try to get, but all I can manage for a meal is a few crackers and a small drink. So, I haven't been sleeping and I haven't been eating, which has given me huge headaches and I have a hard time paying attention in class. So, yes, I have been sick although I probably could have toughed it out enough to go to class. 

Why is it so hard for me to push myself to do things? Why do I default to avoidance stragegies when something goes wrong, no matter how little? I'm ashamed of myself and at times I hate not myself, but the things I do. Why the hell did I just leave class? Why am I willing to screw up my grades and my future? Is there I future for me or am I so flawed that I'll never be able to have a real life? I want to know why I do this. I need to figure out how to stop myself from chickening out. Why I am so weak in self-control?

I've been trying to be as honest as possible when it comes to these blog posts and I've failed in some regards and succeded in others. There is a chance that my rationalizing has made me lie to you and I can't bring myself to admit it because I don't want people to hate me as much as I hate myself sometimes. 

I'm wondering if the fear of judgement or disappointment causes me to avoid things. The fear that if I go to class and I don't have my homework done, that my teacher will think I'm a loser or that I've some how let them down and now I need to face a form of humilation in order to make it better. The fear that if I let my parents know I've chickened out again, they'll reject me and yell at me, although they've done neither. I'm afraid of disappointing others, yet I continue to repeat the same actions over and over which leads me to disappoint them. 

I can sit in the car and yell at myself for everyone else. I did it on the way back from school today. I sat there and yelled, "Why can't you just go to class? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you really that stupid? You're screwing up your life. You're never going to be anything unless you man-up and work for it. You're nothing until you can provide for yourself. You're nothing because you won't ever be able to fend for yourself. You can't even get a frickin' job!" Over and over, I let myself know. It's much easier to hear it from myself that to have someone else tell me the same things in a nicer way. It's much harder to face my parents and have them tell me that I need to try to go to school than telling myself that I'm worthless because when I let someone else down it kills me, but when I only let myself down then it's more like "we already know you can't do it, why should you pretend to be worth something?". It's a horrible concept. They still have hope for me, I apparently have very little for myself. 

I feel like the worst child ever. They want the best for me, they want me to be able to do whatever I want to with my life; that's why they're disappointed every time I fail to follow through. My fear is that 10 years from now, I still won't have a job. I'll still be mooching off my parents because I suck at pushing myself to do something. I won't have a life. That's what I fear. I've contemplated a lot of things and in the back of my mind, there's the thought of running away or living on the streets because I don't want to be a burden. When's my breaking point? When will I hit rock bottom and finally figure out that I need to work hard to get out? 

I'm writing this post with full knowledge that I will be lectured by my parents. I'm writing this in all truthfulness, knowing that I a lot of what I wrote is dramatics, but it's how I feel. I'm writing this so that I don't have to kept this all inside, because even if no one reads this I can pretend that someone did and they understand. 

NOTE TO PARENTS: I'm so, so sorry! I'll be spending my day cleaning and cooking, and mentally reminding myself that I shouldn't chicken out. 

The Problem with Family Living

Recently, I've been wanting more and more space, to the point where I'm actually wanting to move out and live on my own. First off, to my great annoyance, I know my parents are going to say that I need a job. Understood. To some degree I want a job and I plan on finding one. Save that lecture for Saturday.

The constant questioning of the things that I'd like to do with my life bothers me a lot and makes me feel almost like a loser. Every time I mention something I'd like to do in my future, I feel like I always have to brace myself to defend my own personality and wants. My dad has this terrible habit of saying that the things I'd like don't fit my personality. It bothers me so much that he "knows" more about me than me. "Knows" because I'm not entirely sure he really does. I don't like telling my parents about my dreams, because I feel like they'll rip them apart in seconds. That's one of the things I'd like to move away from.

I'd like to learn how to cook, but I hate it when my sister walks into the room and starts pretending to gag because she doesn't like it. I don't make her eat it, in fact I've started only cooking for myself because my siblings are picky eaters. Nonetheless, it still bothers me that I have to listen to my sister whine about whatever I choose to make for myself.

I'd like the ability to choose things without having to compromise for others. I'd like to be able to buy foods that are organic or healthy without my dad going all "this is stupid" on me. I'd like to be able to fail without having people re-affirm that failure as soon as they notice it. Living alone intrigues me, yet I understand how it can be difficult. There are somethings I'd like to try just to see if it works for me or not. My dad constantly questions my ability to be alone. He doesn't believe that I could live alone because I need the family communication. True, I do need family communication, but I'm not planning on moving to the other side of the world. I'd still still like to live in the same area and the ability to visit my family when I feel like it, but I think I'd like the freedom of living alone.

Now, we wait until my dad sends an email detailing why my thinking is flawed. I don't mind his emails, but for once a positive "maybe that would be something that would work for you" would be helpful.

Guilt

It's seems as if my life has been ruled by guilt lately. Almost every action I do either causes guilt or redeems me from my guilt. Going to school redeems me from the guilt of becoming nothing or throwing my life away, and to avoid the guilt I'd feel if I skipped it. Hiding the guilt has become a daily part of my life, though one can argue that guilt always remains and is one of the things that influences what we do to a good extend, but I'll try not to enter an argument about it. Either way, I'm tired of hiding it. I'm tired of being so confined in my own mind, and over-analysis of things. I enjoy my mind, but every little thing gets magnified and drives me into a tear-filled corner. 

I screwed up today and I feel a lot of guilt for what happened, yet at the same time I don't think it was my fault. My sister and I were supposed to have a hair appointment today, but she didn't remember that it was today (I wasn't given much information on the day and time of the appointment, over 2 weeks ago I was told that it was on the 19, but it didn't stick. I'll admit to that). So, her alarm went off an hour before. However, it was in downtown in an area that I was unfamiliar which made nervous because I wouldn't have enough time to figure out where it is. I get extremely upset when I get lost, especially when there's a set time I need to get somewhere. Not to mention the fact that I still needed to get dressed, wasn't feeling well at all and the car needed to be refilled!

I didn't realize that by cancelling the appointment it would cost my mom any money. I thought that it would be no big deal, that I was doing myself a favor by not going. I thought it would save myself undue stress and we could just rebook a later appointment. I seriously thought I was doing something right and that's what bothers me more than anything because I have even more stress right now. My mother is stressed out because I cost her money and, I'm guessing, she had a bad day. Meanwhile, I'm already emotionally (and physically) unstable and now I'm crying because I am a horrible person who just ruin the lives of everyone on the planet. That was an exaggeration (or over-exaggeration. Yes, Dad, that was meant for you) of how I'm feeling, but it still feels terrible. 

Well, I'm done for now. I just wanted to rant and try to figure out what just happened. Thanks for your consideration of my twisted thoughts and feelings.

Chores and Nagging

I'm going to attempt to write this post without saying that all parents suck and teenagers should be able to do anything they want. We'll see if I'll be successful or not, but that's my goal.

I've discovered that I get a lot more satisfaction out of things that I complete when I want to and without the help of parents informing me that something needs to be cleaned up. Granted, I am horrible at cleaning and occasionally I due deserve a kick in the pants, but I feel a lot happier if I come up with the idea to clean up by myself and accomplish it without the nagging support that most parents are eager to give.

I am a basement dweller. It's not that I particularly like to be underground, it's just the area with less traffic and people that might want me to do something or like to lecture me on how I am screwing up my life. Lectures, if repeated more than 10 times, are very ineffective and most of the time I'll tune out and pretend that every time we go out of the house as a family I do not get lectured. In fact, lectures will automatically make me aggressive and prone to having freak outs or arguments. Just as vacuum cleaners, alarm clocks, paper shredders and my mother yelling at me to clean up do. Those are the moments when I grit my teeth, try my best to hold my tongue and not say something that would cause things to escalate, and pop some earbuds in my ears to drown out annoyances.

Positive comments are more effective than negative (Hint: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar). So rather than force me to do something, attempt to give me more free reign while still suggesting a complete a task. For example, "Clean up now!" will cause me to get angry, but giving me a set 'due date' like "I'd like this cleaned up before supper" will make it easier for me to handle. Telling me anything in command form,  "You need to go back to school tomorrow" or "You need to get a job", is frustrating to me, but making small goals like "Try to be at school for at least 3 days next week" or "By the end of the week, you should have handed in at least two resumes" are less stressful for me and I'm more likely to do them.

I understand how I can be very frustrating. I understand how it can be hard not to order someone around when you need a task done. I'm aware of the fact that if I was in my parents situation, I probably would order my child around too. It's hard to break the mindset of ordering someone and transitioning to making small goals. I'm having a hard time doing this myself. I'm trying not to have bad self-talk, but to encourage myself and it's incredibly hard.

Nagging causes me more stress than you could imagine. It is one thing to bring up a particular topic, like "this room needs to be cleaned up" or "a job would allow you to have some extra spending cash", but when that topic is continually forced upon me I grow frustrated and angry. It makes me less likely to do it, because I want that satisfaction I get from accomplishing it when I want. Ask me once, set a goal and let me take care of it. If I don't, then you have full reign to stress me out and take away any of the privileges you deem to be fair punishment.

Today, the basement (where I dwell) was a mess because of me. When I was up this morning, I noticed that and made a mental note to clean up. All is well. Then my dearest father comes down and tells me to clean it up. The stress level rises. I get more frustrated because I already had the idea to clean it up and now he's ordering me to do it, robbing the satisfaction of being able to say "I did it all by myself without anyone asking me to". He didn't know that I already had the thought, so really I can't blame him for that. However, then he comes down every hour and tells me to clean it up. More importantly, he interrupts my de-stressing time (usually when I'm in my room listening to music) to tell me. Stress level grows even higher. In my mind, I'm refusing to clean up right after he asks me to because he's robbed that good feeling of doing something by myself again. I want to do it when I want to. Then he finally snaps and orders me to do it right away. The stress level has hit critical levels and my main job is trying not to start an argument that would probably result with me getting even angrier.

I finished said task when he ordered me to that time, to avoid another lecture. I was not happy and I do not feel like I've accomplished anything. In fact, I feel as if I've just cleaned up and he'll come down stairs to point out something I missed. That will be the level where my head will pop off and I will inwardly kill myself. (Note: here he comes, tell him to go away!!!!!) (Now he's ordering me to go on a drive with him, and to stop blogging until later. Go away!)  (He's gone)

So, in conclusion I'm a little bit psycho. I have issues with people ordering me around and my dad likes to both lecture and order me around. Somedays I can take it better, today I am in a crappy mood. Now, I will stop blogging and go on a drive with him (Code word for: "Let's talk and grab some coffee"), just to see what he has to say and maybe get a snack out of it.

Why Blog?

Awhile ago I wrote a couple of blog posts on religion and admitting my uncertainty was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. A lot of my friends and family are very religious and I was afraid that they would reject me because of my different views. I ended up mentioning this to someone and they asked why  I would post something like that if I was so worried.

I don't even know my exact reasons for posting it, but I'm glad I did. I think that it was my way of trying to get people to understand or trying something risky. Like I said, no matter my reasons at the time I'm so glad I did it. Becoming an open book and revealing almost every thought is such a freeing experience. I don't think I could ever convey the amount of peace and pride in myself I feel by writing my thoughts down.

I just wanted to address that because I had never thought about why I had done it. On to what's really bothering me. I'm getting worse. I chicken out continually. I can't even make myself go to the store at certain hours because I think, in this twisted mind of mine, that it's socially wrong to go shopping at hours before or later than 12pm-7pm. I feel ashamed. I feel like I'm a disappointment, like I've somehow failed life and that there's no hope for me.

I spoke with my therapist today and she asked what I plan about doing for the next school semester (how I'll face going to school). I don't know. I don't have a plan. In fact, in all honesty, I'm at the level of giving up. I just want to drop out of school, but what will happen when I do? What's going to change and what will happen with my life? Will I give up completely on everything? Will I become more of a burden than I am already? Help me, please. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to face this or how to get better. I need help but I don't know where to get it.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why am I so stupid? I ask myself these questions constantly and I realize what I'm doing to myself. I realize that I shouldn't hit myself when I do something "embarrassing" or "wrong", but all the same, hitting myself makes the feelings of shame and guilt go away. I'm not stupid in the fact that I don't realize what is wrong or right, I'm stupid because I continually listen to the irrational side of my brain and choose to run away from everything.

I realize that I'm harming myself being not going to school, avoiding certain areas and refusing to get a job. I know that I'm somewhat irrational. I don't think people realize how aware you are of your own problems. There's this constant awareness of everything that's going on and what influences my reactions. It's really interesting to know that, but I'd rather not have this much first-hand experience.

On another note, I'm even more nervous for my doctor's appointment. I'm very cautious about what doctors say to me now. I'm fearful that I'm going to go to this appointment and she'll think that I only have minor problems that she can't do anything about. I'm worried that they're missing something and I'll suddenly become extremely ill all over again. I feel like they've all just stopped listening and just assume what's wrong with me. I'm tired of all this crap; I'm tried of having no follow up and moving from one doctor to another.

That's all I can rant about for today, lest I break into tears. Hopefully, I'll get better. Hopefully, I'll figure out a way to go back to school again. Hopefully, I'll stop disappointing my mother. I'm tired of her looking at me like I've failed her and that I'm just a big pain. I want my parents to be proud of me so badly and I don't want to be a burden to them. I don't want them thinking I'm worthless and that's how I feel right now.

Wish me luck!

Judgement

Why do I do this to myself? What the heck is wrong with me? I feel so judged by everyone. My mother is really getting tired of me missing school and I can understand why. She wants the best for me and wants me to try as hard as I can. I'm not sure if she fully understands how desperate I feel, and every time I answer her question with a "no, I didn't go to school" she looks so disappointed in me. I feel as if she judges me like everyone else.

I don't like it when she thinks all this is my fault. I don't like it when my sister says that everything I'm going through is no big deal. I understand why she's upset and doesn't like when I'm always talking with my dad. She feels as if she never gets any time to talk with him because of me and I understand that. I feel bad for taking up all his time and for being such a disappointment to my mother.

To be honest, at this point I'm just waiting for someone to give up on me. I'm waiting for the moment when someone just snaps on me. You want to hear why I'm avoiding school? I'm afraid of my teachers judging me for missing so much school, I'm afraid of my classmates remarks when I return, I don't want to do the lip dub in French and I want to wait until it's finished before going back, I'm afraid of the work that I'll have to do to catch up and I'm terrified of telling my teachers that I'm missing a week of school to go to Manitoba.

That's what I'm afraid of. That's why I won't go to school. I'm not oblivious to the fact that by avoiding it I'm making the situation worse and I'm just prolonging my stress. I realize this, but I can't help it!

Ashamed

I feel like such a loser today. I feel weak and pathetic because I'm unable to make myself go to school. I haven't been at school since Thursday of last week; the only class I've attended is English because I had to hand-in an essay. I've even started lying about it. I told my mom I went to Chem class yesterday, in reality I drove around downtown Edmonton for an hour. I can't believe I lied to her about that, I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about it.

This morning I tried to make myself go to Social, but as I was putting on makeup I made a mistake and couldn't fix it in time for class, so I skipped class. What the heck is wrong with me? And my stupid mind actually tried to rationalize it. My stomach randomly starts up every now and then (and has been a pain all morning), so I'm "sick". Then my mind reminds me of having to use public bathrooms or leaving class and how embarrassing that would be. And being judged by my teachers, that scares me so of course avoiding it will make it all better. Believe me, I know the faulty logic in every one of these excuses, yet they make me feel better for missing school.

I'm so stupid! In my last post I suggested that I might not be a fighter and I might not have the ability to get what I want out of time. My question still stands: At what point should I give up? All these ideas still hold true to me. I can't help it. I'm getting more and more desperate. I keep hoping for something to change, but nothing does.

 I'm in a constant limbo; like walking on a tightrope with no solid ground in sight. I want to runaway from everything, to just pack up and leave all my problems here, but I know that it won't work. My problems will follow me no matter where I go. I wrote an essay and in it I said that "when people run away from responsibility and towards their perceived happiness, in reality they're running from true happiness and peace" and "In order to accept responsibility, one must realize that by doing so they will gain inner-peace and pride in themselves". Hypocritical, isn't it? Sometimes I feel like everything I write is just a bunch of lies, even I feel like a lie.