Guilt

It's seems as if my life has been ruled by guilt lately. Almost every action I do either causes guilt or redeems me from my guilt. Going to school redeems me from the guilt of becoming nothing or throwing my life away, and to avoid the guilt I'd feel if I skipped it. Hiding the guilt has become a daily part of my life, though one can argue that guilt always remains and is one of the things that influences what we do to a good extend, but I'll try not to enter an argument about it. Either way, I'm tired of hiding it. I'm tired of being so confined in my own mind, and over-analysis of things. I enjoy my mind, but every little thing gets magnified and drives me into a tear-filled corner. 

I screwed up today and I feel a lot of guilt for what happened, yet at the same time I don't think it was my fault. My sister and I were supposed to have a hair appointment today, but she didn't remember that it was today (I wasn't given much information on the day and time of the appointment, over 2 weeks ago I was told that it was on the 19, but it didn't stick. I'll admit to that). So, her alarm went off an hour before. However, it was in downtown in an area that I was unfamiliar which made nervous because I wouldn't have enough time to figure out where it is. I get extremely upset when I get lost, especially when there's a set time I need to get somewhere. Not to mention the fact that I still needed to get dressed, wasn't feeling well at all and the car needed to be refilled!

I didn't realize that by cancelling the appointment it would cost my mom any money. I thought that it would be no big deal, that I was doing myself a favor by not going. I thought it would save myself undue stress and we could just rebook a later appointment. I seriously thought I was doing something right and that's what bothers me more than anything because I have even more stress right now. My mother is stressed out because I cost her money and, I'm guessing, she had a bad day. Meanwhile, I'm already emotionally (and physically) unstable and now I'm crying because I am a horrible person who just ruin the lives of everyone on the planet. That was an exaggeration (or over-exaggeration. Yes, Dad, that was meant for you) of how I'm feeling, but it still feels terrible. 

Well, I'm done for now. I just wanted to rant and try to figure out what just happened. Thanks for your consideration of my twisted thoughts and feelings.