Right now, I'm incredibly disappointed in myself...and I'm nervous about what I plan to write in this post. I hate what I do to myself. I hate that I like to ruin things for myself. I've talked about my agoraphobia in some previous posts and the fact that I have a really hard time forcing myself to go to school. As soon as I get one little excuse, I continue to use it. It's incredibly hard for me to make myself go to school and I don't know why. Yes, the agoraphobia does play a role, but I want to know why I chicken out so much.
Today's Truth: I went to school to go to math class, but I'd forgotten that we had an assignment due. I didn't want anyone to know, so I rationalized in my head that I was sick and needed to go home. Ten minutes into class and I left. I have not been feeling well for the last week. I've had a terrible cold that doesn't let me get much sleep (I sleep about 4 hours max. I usually wake up at 2am and just lie there until it's time to get up) and I feel very bloated. I constantly feel full, even when I haven't eaten anything, and when I do it, I feel like I've gorged myself and need to throw up. I still try to get, but all I can manage for a meal is a few crackers and a small drink. So, I haven't been sleeping and I haven't been eating, which has given me huge headaches and I have a hard time paying attention in class. So, yes, I have been sick although I probably could have toughed it out enough to go to class.
Why is it so hard for me to push myself to do things? Why do I default to avoidance stragegies when something goes wrong, no matter how little? I'm ashamed of myself and at times I hate not myself, but the things I do. Why the hell did I just leave class? Why am I willing to screw up my grades and my future? Is there I future for me or am I so flawed that I'll never be able to have a real life? I want to know why I do this. I need to figure out how to stop myself from chickening out. Why I am so weak in self-control?
I've been trying to be as honest as possible when it comes to these blog posts and I've failed in some regards and succeded in others. There is a chance that my rationalizing has made me lie to you and I can't bring myself to admit it because I don't want people to hate me as much as I hate myself sometimes.
I'm wondering if the fear of judgement or disappointment causes me to avoid things. The fear that if I go to class and I don't have my homework done, that my teacher will think I'm a loser or that I've some how let them down and now I need to face a form of humilation in order to make it better. The fear that if I let my parents know I've chickened out again, they'll reject me and yell at me, although they've done neither. I'm afraid of disappointing others, yet I continue to repeat the same actions over and over which leads me to disappoint them.
I can sit in the car and yell at myself for everyone else. I did it on the way back from school today. I sat there and yelled, "Why can't you just go to class? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you really that stupid? You're screwing up your life. You're never going to be anything unless you man-up and work for it. You're nothing until you can provide for yourself. You're nothing because you won't ever be able to fend for yourself. You can't even get a frickin' job!" Over and over, I let myself know. It's much easier to hear it from myself that to have someone else tell me the same things in a nicer way. It's much harder to face my parents and have them tell me that I need to try to go to school than telling myself that I'm worthless because when I let someone else down it kills me, but when I only let myself down then it's more like "we already know you can't do it, why should you pretend to be worth something?". It's a horrible concept. They still have hope for me, I apparently have very little for myself.
I feel like the worst child ever. They want the best for me, they want me to be able to do whatever I want to with my life; that's why they're disappointed every time I fail to follow through. My fear is that 10 years from now, I still won't have a job. I'll still be mooching off my parents because I suck at pushing myself to do something. I won't have a life. That's what I fear. I've contemplated a lot of things and in the back of my mind, there's the thought of running away or living on the streets because I don't want to be a burden. When's my breaking point? When will I hit rock bottom and finally figure out that I need to work hard to get out?
I'm writing this post with full knowledge that I will be lectured by my parents. I'm writing this in all truthfulness, knowing that I a lot of what I wrote is dramatics, but it's how I feel. I'm writing this so that I don't have to kept this all inside, because even if no one reads this I can pretend that someone did and they understand.
NOTE TO PARENTS: I'm so, so sorry! I'll be spending my day cleaning and cooking, and mentally reminding myself that I shouldn't chicken out.
Ok, so I just commented on another one of your posts and I promise you I won't stalk you and I am just going to write this one more post to hopefully help you feel like you are not alone. I think I must have been meant to stumble on your blog because you could be the twin of my 15 1/2 year old daughter who I just wrote won't go to the movies with me. She actually won't go anywhere with me or anyone else, hardly. Once in a blue moon I can get her out.
ReplyDeleteShe often felt like you do at school. And she would do exactly what you did. This year, half way through tenth grade, I pulled her to homeschool her. Her stress level got way too high and we even tried a different high school and her principal said in a meeting in front of all her teachers that she took too much time. Unbelievable. Could have sued so many times...
She has something called Aspergers...it's a social skills disability and it's on the autism spectrum. Most kids aren't diagnosed until age 11 and it's even harder with girls. It may be something you could read up on and see if you feel like it fits you. You could talk to your parents and a good child psychologist familiar with Aspergers could help you if you wanted to talk with them. Or not. If that is what is going on, it may give you some peace of mind if it does as it could explain why you feel like odd man out and school is so difficult. It has nothing to do with intelligence...You can be brilliant... and in one on one social situations, it's much better and often you can't even tell my daughter has a disability. She talks up a storm, not like the movies about autism at all...she comes across more as just shy unless she knows you.
Please don't beat yourself up. Gear your job searching to what you like and you will succeed. Maybe a bookstore? Negative self-talk is not helping you I can assure you. Start seeing how you feel when you give yourself positive self talk instead. You are still so young and most of us don't know what we want to be when we grow up even when we are grown up which is why people change jobs and careers an average of 7 times or more.
You don't have to have a disability to justify your feelings, they're pretty typical...we all tend to be hard on ourselves; but feeling understood is so important! And if you do have a disability, they can quietly write you what's called an individual education plan (IEP) that nobody has to know about so it's not socially awkward, but so that you can have extra time on assignments without penalty if you do freak out and leave class for instance.
Nobody is put on this earth perfect. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and as long as we are trying, that's all we can expect of ourselves.
Take the pressure off yourself to be perfect and just try to learn. Really that's what we're here for...to learn...and it would be nice to make a positive difference in other's lives in the process...what you give comes back to you in triplicate...
I did read it and I do understand. (And if my daughter cleaned and cooked for me, it would be a miracle lol.) You are doing great! Ask your English teacher for advice on how to get an editor or if she'll read your books.
You are trying. You do care about yourself. You will survive and even thrive. Hang in there. This feeling will pass. You will be ok.