Some more thoughts from my notebook, enjoy! If I keep up with all this writing, I might have to have a monthly edition. :P
Words are meant to be powerful and emotional; any word that does not help to create meaning is not meant to be used. (This is more of a reminder to myself. I tend to add in a lot of filler words and I need to try and avoid that. Guaranteed, you'll find a lot of those filler words throughout all my blog posts)
Minutes without seconds; weeks without days. We cannot describe one without the other nor should we describe ourselves based upon one moment or one thought. As constantly evolving individuals, it's not possible to categorize us using only a brief moment in time.
I fear what will be left behind when my physical body returns to the Earth. The recent deaths and the absolute grief and disruption among the school causes me to rethink what I want to happen after I'm gone. The selfish, attention grabbing me would want everyone to know of my physical death and to have memorials devoted to me. However, knowing myself and the shy individual I am, few would know me alive or remember me dead. Those who would miss me, I wouldn't want to feel grief. I would want them to read all of my writings and for them to understand the person I am (or was). I would want every last written thought, story or idea published and shared whether it be on paper or a blog or website. I'd hope that someone like me would read them and find comfort for themselves in it. I once thought of burying my body as an Egyptian pharaoh; to be mummified and buried in an underground tomb with all of my prized possessions. The idea behind this was to give future people a glimpse of what life was like for me. Although I still wish to be of use and give a window into the past, I'd prefer my writing to speak not my physical body which only served as a vessel for my being. Now, I'd say 'burn my dead body, give my organs to those who need them and don't bother to set up a tombstone.' My life was not spent in one place and neither should my body. Allow only my memory, things left behind and my writing to remain as a testament to my existence.
Remember not which should be forgotten
Shed tears not for memories that deserve a smile
Love all not only those who have earned it
Mourn not for a lost life that has been well lived
But rejoice in the blessed moments you were given
My mind is a constant, spinning mess and often I wish it would slow down for a minute so I could rest. Yet within that mess there are solid ideas and I'd rather spend days searching for them, then lose them for a little peace.
Perhaps I'm too analytical about social relationships and the on-going chaos in my life has drifted into my thinking processes. Maybe my inner need for control in one of my last controlled areas amidst my own personal chaos has lead me to view everything in a very procedural, analytical manner. My mind, lately, has been on hyper-drive and keeps flipping between hundreds of ideas, not bothering to hang onto one for more than a moment. The idea may be returned to in the future, but still as only a flash, not with any substance or depth.
I have noticed some changes within myself, such as the greater need for silence and peace as well as distance between myself and other people. I don't like being around people, listening to their mindless chit-chat that doesn't lead to any ideas, and I don't want to be disturbed by them. I want to be as free of restrictions and irrelevant subjects in my life as possible. Conformity and authoritarian structure bothers me to a great degree; I want to be able to learn and do what I'd like without being judged (marks or otherwise).
I realize that there must be a constant standard used in school to compare individuals and determine the amount of knowledge gained. I am a believer in the thought that intelligence cannot be determined or 'graded'. Intelligence is such an indeterminate quality that involves itself in every aspect of life. How an individual communicates with others, memorization abilities, the ability to relate information to other topics and others, vary among individuals. There are so many factors to an individual's intelligence level that we can't possibly create an accurate measuring system to compare them all. It would be like comparing an octopus' ability to fit through the smallest hole with a plant's ability to photosynthesize. That's why I hate it when people try to determine someone's intelligence; fyi, IQ tests are a bunch of crap.
Yay! My fingers and wrists made it through all this typing! Hurrah! This means I deserve something chocolately. Oh, yeah. I know you're jealous. ;)
Friday, December 2, 2011
More Thoughts on Religion
It's a very new experience for me to question religion and try and figure out what it means to me. I've done so many google searches on various religions in order to get a little bit of an understanding of what is important to me. I don't feel 100% comfortable about speaking of other religions and their beliefs, just because I've only taken a very generalized look at everything. Not to mention that I still feel that forbidden/taboo feeling attached to speaking about it and questioning what I've been taught. Did I mention that I'm afraid of rejection? 'Cause I still am, although it has been getting better.
The concept of pacifism, I haven't really addressed with myself all that much. I like the idea of non-violence, but I do believe that people do have a right to defend themselves. Some religions that believe that all life is sacred (I do believe this in some regard, but not to the extent of others) and must wear a veil to prevent the harming of anything due to their speech or must sweep the ground in front of them, I think are taken too far. Though, to each its own. The killing of an individual is not necessarily something I believe in, whether the death is caused from direct or indirect actions. Yes, I do realize that elaboration is needed, but I'm not going to give it now. I haven't really developed a strong opinion on death penalties; keeping someone in prison for life when you know they'll never get out ever again is very costly. Oh, dear. I feel like a cold, heartless b***h right now for even comparing a human life to economics and money, but that is an argument that some people use.
I looked at various religions that dealt with the idea of reincarnation to try and get a better idea about it. My 'theory' (if you can even call it that) about 'host bodies' as merely a vehicle used to carry the soul around doesn't sit that well with me. First off, I don't at all feel like my soul has been through any other lifetimes and the thought of everyone using a 'recycled' soul over and over again just doesn't feel right. Then there are no (or very few) new souls and people wouldn't necessarily be individuals anymore. I don't believe in the idea that the soul would travel across species, I just can't believe that. Humans have a higher functioning power (at least that's what we like to think. It's just like the idea that dolphins are smart; so smart that they can train a human to stand at the edge of a pool and toss them fish) and we were built in God's image. Therefore, why would God move our unique souls through less sophisticated beings. Sadly, I have a feeling that when cockroaches take over the world I'll be the first one to go thanks to that comment. ;)
Anyway, one of the religions I took a quick look at was Sikhism and on Wikipedia (yes, I do realize that it isn't an accurate source) they had neat bullet points that explained some of their beliefs. One of them in particular, I found to be quite interesting: the idea of "blind spirituality" is prohibited. Maybe I don't view it the way they do, but I found it to be an interesting idea. I believe that blind spirituality is a danger. In my opinion, anything that is done blindly is a danger. Following certain rituals, prayers and so on without thinking of what you're saying or doing it without any meaning is just a display to others; to "prove" that you are spiritual. This goes back to my previous blog post, people are not perfect. We are flawed beings and by covering up our flaws to give the illusion of perfection, we prevent learning how to work around these flaws and are unable to help others in the same situation. Sikhism also prohibits any sacrifice (human or animal) or the eating of meat in a ritualistic manner, which I agree with as well.
Whew! My fingers are getting tired and there are still so many thoughts running through my head in regards to religion! :P Onwards I shall go!
If I choose to accept (and I am very close to doing so) the idea that all religions are merely branches on a tree and they are all connected to one holy being (displayed differently throughout them), I therefore must look at the various religious texts. I don't accept every idea that is present throughout the Bible, and I don't take the books of the Bible as the direct, authoritative word of God. I believe that people who were close to God wrote them, however, it was not God's hands that did so. They merely wrote down the histories and events, as well as their own interpretations and beliefs. We must interpret those ideas for ourselves and question what we read, as well as the circumstances surrounding the writing of the Bible's books. If a religious man today published a book about events in today's world and his theories under the umbrella of God, would we add that to the Bible? When did we stop adding books and why? If we did add the religious man's book, would we then blindly follow it as the true word of God? Is it possible for one of the books in the Bible to contain inaccurate information regarding history? If it is, is it then plausible to say that the books contain a slant on an issue?
Should we be allowed to possess property and other physical items or is the owning of such only fuelling greed and false ideas of superiority over those who don't own the same stuff? Should church be a rigid structure? I don't think so, I think church as everything should be fluid (in some regards) and move with society while maintaining moral standards. I don't believe that there should be a direct head of a church because as I've mentioned, humans are full of flaws and we have the potential to take advantage of a higher position. No one person should be given absolute power save for God.
Ok, I'm so done thinking for now. Gosh, my brain feels frizzled, but less chaotic than last night. Although I shouldn't rule out another breakdown, because as soon as I rest my head on my pillow, I'll get a plethora of thoughts and ideas. I might add another post with some of the ideas in my notebook (which is where I do most of my brainstorming) tonight, but we'll see how my wrists will hold up. ;)
The concept of pacifism, I haven't really addressed with myself all that much. I like the idea of non-violence, but I do believe that people do have a right to defend themselves. Some religions that believe that all life is sacred (I do believe this in some regard, but not to the extent of others) and must wear a veil to prevent the harming of anything due to their speech or must sweep the ground in front of them, I think are taken too far. Though, to each its own. The killing of an individual is not necessarily something I believe in, whether the death is caused from direct or indirect actions. Yes, I do realize that elaboration is needed, but I'm not going to give it now. I haven't really developed a strong opinion on death penalties; keeping someone in prison for life when you know they'll never get out ever again is very costly. Oh, dear. I feel like a cold, heartless b***h right now for even comparing a human life to economics and money, but that is an argument that some people use.
I looked at various religions that dealt with the idea of reincarnation to try and get a better idea about it. My 'theory' (if you can even call it that) about 'host bodies' as merely a vehicle used to carry the soul around doesn't sit that well with me. First off, I don't at all feel like my soul has been through any other lifetimes and the thought of everyone using a 'recycled' soul over and over again just doesn't feel right. Then there are no (or very few) new souls and people wouldn't necessarily be individuals anymore. I don't believe in the idea that the soul would travel across species, I just can't believe that. Humans have a higher functioning power (at least that's what we like to think. It's just like the idea that dolphins are smart; so smart that they can train a human to stand at the edge of a pool and toss them fish) and we were built in God's image. Therefore, why would God move our unique souls through less sophisticated beings. Sadly, I have a feeling that when cockroaches take over the world I'll be the first one to go thanks to that comment. ;)
Anyway, one of the religions I took a quick look at was Sikhism and on Wikipedia (yes, I do realize that it isn't an accurate source) they had neat bullet points that explained some of their beliefs. One of them in particular, I found to be quite interesting: the idea of "blind spirituality" is prohibited. Maybe I don't view it the way they do, but I found it to be an interesting idea. I believe that blind spirituality is a danger. In my opinion, anything that is done blindly is a danger. Following certain rituals, prayers and so on without thinking of what you're saying or doing it without any meaning is just a display to others; to "prove" that you are spiritual. This goes back to my previous blog post, people are not perfect. We are flawed beings and by covering up our flaws to give the illusion of perfection, we prevent learning how to work around these flaws and are unable to help others in the same situation. Sikhism also prohibits any sacrifice (human or animal) or the eating of meat in a ritualistic manner, which I agree with as well.
Whew! My fingers are getting tired and there are still so many thoughts running through my head in regards to religion! :P Onwards I shall go!
If I choose to accept (and I am very close to doing so) the idea that all religions are merely branches on a tree and they are all connected to one holy being (displayed differently throughout them), I therefore must look at the various religious texts. I don't accept every idea that is present throughout the Bible, and I don't take the books of the Bible as the direct, authoritative word of God. I believe that people who were close to God wrote them, however, it was not God's hands that did so. They merely wrote down the histories and events, as well as their own interpretations and beliefs. We must interpret those ideas for ourselves and question what we read, as well as the circumstances surrounding the writing of the Bible's books. If a religious man today published a book about events in today's world and his theories under the umbrella of God, would we add that to the Bible? When did we stop adding books and why? If we did add the religious man's book, would we then blindly follow it as the true word of God? Is it possible for one of the books in the Bible to contain inaccurate information regarding history? If it is, is it then plausible to say that the books contain a slant on an issue?
Should we be allowed to possess property and other physical items or is the owning of such only fuelling greed and false ideas of superiority over those who don't own the same stuff? Should church be a rigid structure? I don't think so, I think church as everything should be fluid (in some regards) and move with society while maintaining moral standards. I don't believe that there should be a direct head of a church because as I've mentioned, humans are full of flaws and we have the potential to take advantage of a higher position. No one person should be given absolute power save for God.
Ok, I'm so done thinking for now. Gosh, my brain feels frizzled, but less chaotic than last night. Although I shouldn't rule out another breakdown, because as soon as I rest my head on my pillow, I'll get a plethora of thoughts and ideas. I might add another post with some of the ideas in my notebook (which is where I do most of my brainstorming) tonight, but we'll see how my wrists will hold up. ;)
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Contemplating Religion
As I go through all of this inner chaos, I find myself questioning everything. What do I believe in? Is the religion I'm currently in what I believe in? Do I want to start looking into 'changing' religions? I don't know. Do I romanticize certain ideas over others just because they're different and 'exotic' to me?
There's a piece of me that wishes to believe that the soul/mind is a separate entity from the body and that there is never an 'end' for it. Part of me rejects the idea of a heaven or hell. To have a final place that is so definite makes me feel at unease. Maybe the soul/mind is recycled and bodies are simply its 'hosts'. Maybe I just like the idea of a host body because it makes for a good story. I don't know.
I don't reject religion in its entirety. I can't just stop believing in it...there has to be something there. Even if there isn't, I have to believe there is. The idea of all religion stemming from one tree, is a nice way to tie everything up in a neat little package, maybe that's why I like that idea. Is religion merely a human need to make life seem worth it or is true?
I almost feel the sting of rejection just for thinking these things. What I fear most is for my friends and family to reject me because of my questioning. I feel like it's such a taboo topic; to even dare to think these things feels like betrayal. But I can't be the only one who has ever gone through this, I'm sure tons of my friends and family have had these thoughts, they just don't talk about it. Sometimes I feel that people put up this air of perfection and unwavering devotion to God, but as humans we can't truly have that. We are flawed beings. Shouldn't we instead talk freely about our flaws and our doubts when it comes to religion, instead of falsifying our being?
It bothers me when people constantly use God as an excuse, as if using his name in a phrase will hold some sort of magic over everyone. "God wanted it to happen" or "If God wills it to"...maybe God allows it to happen to give us the opportunity to grow and fight for it. I doubt God hands us everything on a silver platter, we can't just wait around uttering those magic phrases and believe that something will just happen. We need to work for it.
All-in-all (as I go in a round-a-bout way, as my thoughts generally are), I believe that our flaws should be displayed and celebrated. Or at least, how we manoeuvre around these flaws should be celebrated. Perfection will never and can never be obtained by us, why do we act like perfection is the only option? We work so hard to cover up all of our flaws and give the illusion of perfection; it bothers me to no end! Besides, is there only one kind of perfection? Imperfection is perfection; our flaws make us who we are, they make us human. God created us with flaws for a reason, for what reason I don't know. Yet, He sees us as his perfect creation.
Arrgh! Confusion. So much confusion! I love how I start off with one idea and my brain completely goes of topic. It's a channel flipper, that's all I can say. Topic to topic to topic and back to topic A, then topic C and back to A, then B, etc. You should really read my notebook. I must spend the majority of my day writing down random and disconnected thoughts. Maybe I'll post some more, but for right now I'm tired and I need to quiet my brain not fuel the fire.
There's a piece of me that wishes to believe that the soul/mind is a separate entity from the body and that there is never an 'end' for it. Part of me rejects the idea of a heaven or hell. To have a final place that is so definite makes me feel at unease. Maybe the soul/mind is recycled and bodies are simply its 'hosts'. Maybe I just like the idea of a host body because it makes for a good story. I don't know.
I don't reject religion in its entirety. I can't just stop believing in it...there has to be something there. Even if there isn't, I have to believe there is. The idea of all religion stemming from one tree, is a nice way to tie everything up in a neat little package, maybe that's why I like that idea. Is religion merely a human need to make life seem worth it or is true?
I almost feel the sting of rejection just for thinking these things. What I fear most is for my friends and family to reject me because of my questioning. I feel like it's such a taboo topic; to even dare to think these things feels like betrayal. But I can't be the only one who has ever gone through this, I'm sure tons of my friends and family have had these thoughts, they just don't talk about it. Sometimes I feel that people put up this air of perfection and unwavering devotion to God, but as humans we can't truly have that. We are flawed beings. Shouldn't we instead talk freely about our flaws and our doubts when it comes to religion, instead of falsifying our being?
It bothers me when people constantly use God as an excuse, as if using his name in a phrase will hold some sort of magic over everyone. "God wanted it to happen" or "If God wills it to"...maybe God allows it to happen to give us the opportunity to grow and fight for it. I doubt God hands us everything on a silver platter, we can't just wait around uttering those magic phrases and believe that something will just happen. We need to work for it.
All-in-all (as I go in a round-a-bout way, as my thoughts generally are), I believe that our flaws should be displayed and celebrated. Or at least, how we manoeuvre around these flaws should be celebrated. Perfection will never and can never be obtained by us, why do we act like perfection is the only option? We work so hard to cover up all of our flaws and give the illusion of perfection; it bothers me to no end! Besides, is there only one kind of perfection? Imperfection is perfection; our flaws make us who we are, they make us human. God created us with flaws for a reason, for what reason I don't know. Yet, He sees us as his perfect creation.
Arrgh! Confusion. So much confusion! I love how I start off with one idea and my brain completely goes of topic. It's a channel flipper, that's all I can say. Topic to topic to topic and back to topic A, then topic C and back to A, then B, etc. You should really read my notebook. I must spend the majority of my day writing down random and disconnected thoughts. Maybe I'll post some more, but for right now I'm tired and I need to quiet my brain not fuel the fire.
The Need to Get Away
I can't handle this much more. The inconsistency with everything is driving me crazy. My health has improved, but still isn't the best. Plus my stomach is very vocal which leads to both embarrassing and funny moments. My emotions fluctuate so often, I'm starting to feel insane. I can feel fine and stable for an entire day and then, without any warning, I'm back to feeling terrible. Usually I have a good sense of when I'm about to hit that level, but not anymore.
I need to get away. The few moments I have alone when I stay home from school isn't enough. I need an actual break from everything, not these little ones. I need to go to an entirely different place, away from this house and everything here. There's too much chaos and emotions attached to here. I want peace so badly. I'm at my limit. I can't stress that enough. There's no longer an "I don't want to school to school" attitude, but an "I'm never going back" one. It's no longer an "I want more space" situation but an "I NEED to be alone or I'll explode" one. There's no maybe/if thing going on, I'm not longer just feeling a certain way, I'm following through with it.
My only issue with trying to get away is where do I go? I can't just walk out of this house and stay with a friend, not that I necessarily would if I could. I don't know if I could ever convey with words the desperation that I feel. I need to get away from this place. I need to be transplanted into a different environment, something new. Maybe this is my so-called "need for perfection" talking, but I just feel that being in a new environment that allows me to be solitary would help. I don't know if it actually will, but I want to try and find out.
I need something to happen soon. I need a break from my habits, I need my world to be thrown upside down so I don't fall back into those habits. That's why I think a new environment would help because it would give me an opportunity to rebuild different habits. Maybe it wouldn't, but I need to try something new.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Back to Old Habits
It's official, I've reverted back to the incredibly stupid habit I gave up over three years ago. Every time I embarrass myself (not matter how small of an embarrassment) I pinch or slap myself and call myself mean names. I swear, I am my own bully. I know how bad it is and I hate myself every single time I do it.
My situation keeps getting worse and worse. My head feels like it will explode any second now and I want everything to stop. I'm not just feeling that way anymore, I NEED more space. I can't go back to school. I can't do any of this any more. I'm just done. D-O-N-E, done! I think I've hit my breaking point, because all of this chaos has driven me insane.
I'm done talking with people to figure it out, I'm done feeling like crap. I don't want to hear any noise, I don't want to speak with anyone and I need to be alone. Make it stop! Please just make it all normal again! I can't take it.
It's so easy for me to jump from one emotion to another, without any warning...even to myself. I'll feel perfectly fine one second, like I'm finally on a stable level, then one little thing will send me back into craziness. Last night, I felt fine. I had a nice chat with my aunt and grandma, and felt 100%. I was happy. Then all of a sudden, I'm finished with all this crap and I want it to stop. I don't know what suddenly made me feel this way or when it started happening. Did I wake up this way? Did something happen at school? I don't know!
Just make it go away. I just want to be done with this.
My situation keeps getting worse and worse. My head feels like it will explode any second now and I want everything to stop. I'm not just feeling that way anymore, I NEED more space. I can't go back to school. I can't do any of this any more. I'm just done. D-O-N-E, done! I think I've hit my breaking point, because all of this chaos has driven me insane.
I'm done talking with people to figure it out, I'm done feeling like crap. I don't want to hear any noise, I don't want to speak with anyone and I need to be alone. Make it stop! Please just make it all normal again! I can't take it.
It's so easy for me to jump from one emotion to another, without any warning...even to myself. I'll feel perfectly fine one second, like I'm finally on a stable level, then one little thing will send me back into craziness. Last night, I felt fine. I had a nice chat with my aunt and grandma, and felt 100%. I was happy. Then all of a sudden, I'm finished with all this crap and I want it to stop. I don't know what suddenly made me feel this way or when it started happening. Did I wake up this way? Did something happen at school? I don't know!
Just make it go away. I just want to be done with this.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Finding Help
I call the Kids Help Phone yesterday in the middle of the night because I still couldn't sleep and I actually found it to be pretty helpful. It was a little weird at first since it was my first time trying anything like it, but the guy on the other end gave me some helpful suggestions on how to deal with my trouble-some teacher. I'm almost tempted to give all my teachers the link to this blog so they can try to understand everything a little better, but I'm afraid about what they might think and if they'll take offence to things I've written. Partially because I can be a drama queen at times and I often blog when I'm emotionally unstable or want to rant about something that's bothering me.
I do want to be understood. I so badly want to tell everyone what I'm think and how I'm feeling, but I'm so afraid of what will happen if I do. Will they judge and reject me? I don't know. I wish I could give out this blog address to every extended family member so they can know what I'm thinking. I want to be understood, almost everything I choose to do is about getting people to understand me. I write this blog for that very purpose; my novels showcase different sides and opinions I have and my own journal was written for 'future' people who want to learn more about people of this generation. What is it about me that makes me so hard to understand?
My mind is both my comfort and my curse. I am comforted by its dreams, yet driven insane by its reasoning and the chance for insanity. It worries me that I may one day grow insane. Insanity itself doesn't scare me as much as the possibility of loosing my ability to think, reason and create; that would devastate me. Same with becoming a danger to myself and others by forcing a strict, one-sided idea onto them. I prefer fluidity and the ability to change to fit the needs of people, to the strict, ridged moulds that regulate everyone.
I want less in life. I'd like a smaller house, no TV and no school. The main thing I'd like in life (for now), excluding all non-physical things, is a smaller one-floor, open concept house. That's about it.
I do want to be understood. I so badly want to tell everyone what I'm think and how I'm feeling, but I'm so afraid of what will happen if I do. Will they judge and reject me? I don't know. I wish I could give out this blog address to every extended family member so they can know what I'm thinking. I want to be understood, almost everything I choose to do is about getting people to understand me. I write this blog for that very purpose; my novels showcase different sides and opinions I have and my own journal was written for 'future' people who want to learn more about people of this generation. What is it about me that makes me so hard to understand?
My mind is both my comfort and my curse. I am comforted by its dreams, yet driven insane by its reasoning and the chance for insanity. It worries me that I may one day grow insane. Insanity itself doesn't scare me as much as the possibility of loosing my ability to think, reason and create; that would devastate me. Same with becoming a danger to myself and others by forcing a strict, one-sided idea onto them. I prefer fluidity and the ability to change to fit the needs of people, to the strict, ridged moulds that regulate everyone.
I want less in life. I'd like a smaller house, no TV and no school. The main thing I'd like in life (for now), excluding all non-physical things, is a smaller one-floor, open concept house. That's about it.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Continuation...
I feel as if I should both vent and clarify some things for my sanity. I wrote about my understanding of my childhood and how I can't see the girl I was as myself. I do feel as if they were friends that I was unable to save. I'm sure a lot of people can't really understand the connection to their past self, and feel the same way.
For me, I don't see the transition from girl to girl as an evolution of myself. I see it as a failure of one and the success of another. All civilizations have to end, eventually they are unable to keep up with the demands of a society and a new power must take over. This doesn't necessarily mean that the new power is better than the old one, it only solves a problem the old one couldn't.
My mind continues to feel separated from everything else. It's as if it's the only thing that is myself. I feel almost like the main character in "The Host" by Stephanie Meyer; my body is not my own, but my mind is me. It's a really hard concept for me to explain, but I feel as if I'm only borrowing this body. As if it's only a vehicle that I use to get around. My thoughts lead me to ideas of reincarnation. Traditionally, I've never believed in it, but it feels like my mind has been around many more places than my body.
Which leads me to another thought-jump about different religions. I once watched a documentary about Ancient Egypt and a member of an excavating team said something that I've always found interesting. He believed that all religion steams from the same tree, none are "wrong". Couldn't God appear to different people in different ways? It feels wrong, almost as if I'm betraying my own religion, to believe that. Yet, it makes sense to me. All religions have similar pieces between them like a story of a great flood, an evil serpent and so forth. So, is it so unreasonable to believe that God, using his divine wisdom, decided to appear to people of certain regions in ways that would be understood by them. Just a thought.
I've been way less trusting of people and their opinions lately. I've just noticed it today, but I think it's been going on for awhile. I used to agree with most of my dad's ideas, but right now I feel as if we're not quite on the same wavelength. The things he says, although very reasonable and possibly true, don't feel as if they connect to my particular situation. I understand the reasoning behind them and where he gets the ideas from, but I can't accept anything he says right now. I can't really accept anyone's opinions.
One thing I've always had issues with when my dad and I talk is how he always seems to try and analyze me. Sometimes it can be very useful, but other times it can make me feel as if I'm not conveying my thoughts clearly enough or he just selectively chooses what will fit his ideas. He's always been a great person to talk to and usually understands exactly what I'm going through. Maybe he does now, but my mind won't accept it just yet.
I want to return back to my thought of isolating myself. I'm not sure if I posted it on this blog, but before summer I had the idea that I want to stay in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. I didn't want to have any distractions (no TV, internet), I just wanted to be there by myself with a few recipes, some books to read and a notebook or laptop to record my thoughts. For a weekend or maybe a week, I'd spend my time in silence in a different location away from the clutter of the house (not physical clutter, but the emotional clutter and distractions all around me) with some room to think. I'd really like that now. I just want silence and space with no restrictions on what I can or can't do around someone else's schedule. I don't want those annoying interruptions of having to drive someone somewhere or pick up something from the store. No yells of "clean up this!" or that annoying vacuum cleaner that makes me want to scream out in frustration (I swear, it's like the focus of all my annoyances. Every time I hear it, I have the urge to smash it with a sledgehammer).
One thing I thought was interesting during that conversation with my dad was the idea of volunteering. I think I'd like to do something like that where maybe I could mentor someone or talk with some people one-on-one. I've always wanted to feel a connection with someone younger than me and I'm constantly looking for similarities between myself and my sister or cousins. I want to be able to have someone confide in me freely and understand that I'm here to help them and won't judge. I want to help someone with their emotional issues and just sit there and listen. I've wanted to do something like that for a long while, but I'm just not sure how to go about doing it.
Ok, I think that's all for right now. Hopefully my mind has stabilized enough to give me a few hours of decent sleep.
For me, I don't see the transition from girl to girl as an evolution of myself. I see it as a failure of one and the success of another. All civilizations have to end, eventually they are unable to keep up with the demands of a society and a new power must take over. This doesn't necessarily mean that the new power is better than the old one, it only solves a problem the old one couldn't.
My mind continues to feel separated from everything else. It's as if it's the only thing that is myself. I feel almost like the main character in "The Host" by Stephanie Meyer; my body is not my own, but my mind is me. It's a really hard concept for me to explain, but I feel as if I'm only borrowing this body. As if it's only a vehicle that I use to get around. My thoughts lead me to ideas of reincarnation. Traditionally, I've never believed in it, but it feels like my mind has been around many more places than my body.
Which leads me to another thought-jump about different religions. I once watched a documentary about Ancient Egypt and a member of an excavating team said something that I've always found interesting. He believed that all religion steams from the same tree, none are "wrong". Couldn't God appear to different people in different ways? It feels wrong, almost as if I'm betraying my own religion, to believe that. Yet, it makes sense to me. All religions have similar pieces between them like a story of a great flood, an evil serpent and so forth. So, is it so unreasonable to believe that God, using his divine wisdom, decided to appear to people of certain regions in ways that would be understood by them. Just a thought.
I've been way less trusting of people and their opinions lately. I've just noticed it today, but I think it's been going on for awhile. I used to agree with most of my dad's ideas, but right now I feel as if we're not quite on the same wavelength. The things he says, although very reasonable and possibly true, don't feel as if they connect to my particular situation. I understand the reasoning behind them and where he gets the ideas from, but I can't accept anything he says right now. I can't really accept anyone's opinions.
One thing I've always had issues with when my dad and I talk is how he always seems to try and analyze me. Sometimes it can be very useful, but other times it can make me feel as if I'm not conveying my thoughts clearly enough or he just selectively chooses what will fit his ideas. He's always been a great person to talk to and usually understands exactly what I'm going through. Maybe he does now, but my mind won't accept it just yet.
I want to return back to my thought of isolating myself. I'm not sure if I posted it on this blog, but before summer I had the idea that I want to stay in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. I didn't want to have any distractions (no TV, internet), I just wanted to be there by myself with a few recipes, some books to read and a notebook or laptop to record my thoughts. For a weekend or maybe a week, I'd spend my time in silence in a different location away from the clutter of the house (not physical clutter, but the emotional clutter and distractions all around me) with some room to think. I'd really like that now. I just want silence and space with no restrictions on what I can or can't do around someone else's schedule. I don't want those annoying interruptions of having to drive someone somewhere or pick up something from the store. No yells of "clean up this!" or that annoying vacuum cleaner that makes me want to scream out in frustration (I swear, it's like the focus of all my annoyances. Every time I hear it, I have the urge to smash it with a sledgehammer).
One thing I thought was interesting during that conversation with my dad was the idea of volunteering. I think I'd like to do something like that where maybe I could mentor someone or talk with some people one-on-one. I've always wanted to feel a connection with someone younger than me and I'm constantly looking for similarities between myself and my sister or cousins. I want to be able to have someone confide in me freely and understand that I'm here to help them and won't judge. I want to help someone with their emotional issues and just sit there and listen. I've wanted to do something like that for a long while, but I'm just not sure how to go about doing it.
Ok, I think that's all for right now. Hopefully my mind has stabilized enough to give me a few hours of decent sleep.
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