Continuation...

I feel as if I should both vent and clarify some things for my sanity. I wrote about my understanding of my childhood and how I can't see the girl I was as myself. I do feel as if they were friends that I was unable to save. I'm sure a lot of people can't really understand the connection to their past self, and feel the same way.

For me, I don't see the transition from girl to girl as an evolution of myself. I see it as a failure of one and the success of another. All civilizations have to end, eventually they are unable to keep up with the demands of a society and a new power must take over. This doesn't necessarily mean that the new power is better than the old one, it only solves a problem the old one couldn't.

My mind continues to feel separated from everything else. It's as if it's the only thing that is myself. I feel almost like the main character in "The Host" by Stephanie Meyer; my body is not my own, but my mind is me. It's a really hard concept for me to explain, but I feel as if I'm only borrowing this body. As if it's only a vehicle that I use to get around. My thoughts lead me to ideas of reincarnation. Traditionally, I've never believed in it, but it feels like my mind has been around many more places than my body.

Which leads me to another thought-jump about different religions. I once watched a documentary about Ancient Egypt and a member of an excavating team said something that I've always found interesting. He believed that all religion steams from the same tree, none are "wrong". Couldn't God appear to different people in different ways? It feels wrong, almost as if I'm betraying my own religion, to believe that. Yet, it makes sense to me. All religions have similar pieces between them like a story of a great flood, an evil serpent and so forth. So, is it so unreasonable to believe that God, using his divine wisdom, decided to appear to people of certain regions in ways that would be understood by them. Just a thought.

I've been way less trusting of people and their opinions lately. I've just noticed it today, but I think it's been going on for awhile. I used to agree with most of my dad's ideas, but right now I feel as if we're not quite on the same wavelength. The things he says, although very reasonable and possibly true, don't feel as if they connect to my particular situation. I understand the reasoning behind them and where he gets the ideas from, but I can't accept anything he says right now. I can't really accept anyone's opinions.

One thing I've always had issues with when my dad and I talk is how he always seems to try and analyze me. Sometimes it can be very useful, but other times it can make me feel as if I'm not conveying my thoughts clearly enough or he just selectively chooses what will fit his ideas. He's always been a great person to talk to and usually understands exactly what I'm going through. Maybe he does now, but my mind won't accept it just yet.

I want to return back to my thought of isolating myself. I'm not sure if I posted it on this blog, but before summer I had the idea that I want to stay in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. I didn't want to have any distractions (no TV, internet), I just wanted to be there by myself with a few recipes, some books to read and a notebook or laptop to record my thoughts. For a weekend or maybe a week, I'd spend my time in silence in a different location away from the clutter of the house (not physical clutter, but the emotional clutter and distractions all around me) with some room to think. I'd really like that now. I just want silence and space with no restrictions on what I can or can't do around someone else's schedule. I don't want those annoying interruptions of having to drive someone somewhere or pick up something from the store. No yells of "clean up this!" or that annoying vacuum cleaner that makes me want to scream out in frustration (I swear, it's like the focus of all my annoyances. Every time I hear it, I have the urge to smash it with a sledgehammer).

One thing I thought was interesting during that conversation with my dad was the idea of volunteering. I think I'd like to do something like that where maybe I could mentor someone or talk with some people one-on-one. I've always wanted to feel a connection with someone younger than me and I'm constantly looking for similarities between myself and my sister or cousins. I want to be able to have someone confide in me freely and understand that I'm here to help them and won't judge. I want to help someone with their emotional issues and just sit there and listen. I've wanted to do something like that for a long while, but I'm just not sure how to go about doing it.

Ok, I think that's all for right now. Hopefully my mind has stabilized enough to give me a few hours of decent sleep.