Story: Chronicles of a Gryphon Keeper

Hey! I'm in a pretty good right now after two hours of some serious pampering and meditation, so I thought I'd share one of my newer stories with you. My writing has seriously changed since last year and I'm loving, so hopefully you will too! :)


3rd Day of the Rainy Season
6th Year of Reign of Amaranth,
The 17th Gryphon Keeper


To Whom It May Concern,

To think of the passage of time as if it's solely linear and as unstoppable as a stampeding elephant would cause me to laugh. For it is as far from such as I am from ever obtaining a stable level of sanity. Sanity happens to be a great enemy of mine for it only produces what has already been invented. Insanity is the realm of the greats, a place where thoughts are created and inventions made. For no one but one who is insane could ever dream of accomplishing what those who are sane deem as impossible.

These letters that I am writing to you, my unknown friend, might very well be the very spawn of my insanity. For some reason, the desire to write letters that detail my life and thoughts spring upon me while, in all places, I was trying to remove the gryphon that clawed at my hair with a vigor that only someone who has never lost the hope of having a great and glorious life.

So, read my letters if you suddenly have the odd desire to do so (I certainly hope that you don't discover said desire whist having a tiny devil rip out your hair) and learn how not to become a great gryphon keeper, for learning from others mistakes is most definitely better than learning from your own. Onwards now to my undoubtably wonderful thoughts! If such things do exist...

There must have been a time when I was normal, when the noise didn't affect me or cause me to run for the safety of a darkened alleyway. The must have been a time where I had a name and a family who cared for me; a time where I wasn't always alone and didn't have to fight for my own survival. There must have been something else or I wouldn't recognize the absurdity of my own situation.

I often wonder of my family and why I am no longer with them. It really can't be helped since people are always curious of what they do not know. As a girl I faintly recall being submerged in the idea that I was once a princess who was adorned in jewels and beloved by everyone. I would have had both a pet elephant that would carry me around not allowing my feet to touch the ground for even a split second and a striped tiger that would lay at my feet when I went to sleep, guarding me from the evils of the night. I knew, as that little street girl dressed in rags, that I must have lived that life. How could I have been born into this poverty and desperation?

So, I lived as a runaway princess for many years, a princess who was forced to scrounge in garbage bins for food and cut the clothes off a dead man so I could be warmed, until I grew to realize that I couldn't be the lovely princess I thought I ought to be. To come to such a realization is painful and heartbreaking. It made me give up on myself and caused me to become worthless in my own eyes. Yet I couldn't have lived my entire life in the bubble I had created for myself and the whole process was simply something I had to go through.

At what age I went through this process, I do not know for I am unsure of my own birth year. However I do believe to be after the Naesean wars and before the first attempted murder of Kalajhan's fifty-second king, making me no younger than six according to the diviners.
Shortly after the first attempted murder of the king, I began to be extremely bothered by noise, and therefore people by default. Instead of spending my days playing with my fellow street children, I choose to hide in dark, secluded alleyways until darkness took over and the noise began to fade. My odd habits did undermine my pickpocketing and stealing, since there were few people to steal from and those that were out late were people that you quickly learned you should not steal from lest you wish to have your head forcefully removed from your body.
Nonetheless, I was able to get by at the expense of many decent people who awoke to find both food and silver missing. On several occasions I barely escaped being found as I crawled out of windows with my dirty pockets filled with day-old bread and clanging bracelets. Fortunately, my love of silence allowed me to blend into the dark shadows.

Maybe it is that same silence that let me remain faceless and nameless, even to myself, for all those years. I do not regret those years I spent out on the streets living in a prison I crafted myself. I do not regret a single moment in my short life, for regretting even the smallest of moments would allow the darkness that drove the king's fourth son to his murderous ways to enter my own heart. One commits to darkness and evil only to prove their perceived worthiness. However, that worthiness is only an illusion and darkness only vanquishes the true worth of the individual.

To end this letter, I offer only an obvious piece of advice. Allow your worth not to come from what you possess, whether it be material things or intelligence, but from the acts you preform while using all that you possess. Is someone good because of the pureness of their thoughts or the kindness of their actions?


May the sand fall slowly in your glass
Amaranth, the 17th Gryphon Keeper

I know what I'm doing...mostly

I honestly don't know what to write. I'm tired of writing about what's bothering me, because I always feel like have to defend myself. Every time my name gets called, for anything, I'm immediately on edge and prepared to fight back. My name has become my most hated word and I cringe even when writing it on tests.

I'm so stressed and I feel so lost. I can't talk to my parents anymore and they were my go-to people when I got stressed or didn't know what to do. I resent them a little bit right now, because I don't feel like I can talk to them. Everything that comes out of my mouth has to be defended or I'll get called out on it, even if it's obviously an emotional state or when I'm really confused. It's stressful to have to defend both sides all the time. I have to state how I'm feeling, how I know it's wrong, how I want to change it, how I don't know what to change it, but I still know you're opinion on it, etc. I just want to be on my side right now. I'm tired of having to play both sides of the field; it's draining.

My friends feel distant, my extended family will probably think the same way as my immediate family and I can't talk to my therapist for 2 weeks. I don't really find that I have any opportunity to talk to any of my teachers this semester because I'm not really close to any of them, and frankly, student services causes me so much stress than help. I really, really need someone to talk to and I don't who.

I'm not going to defend or back up anything in this post. I don't care if you think I'm irrational, it's how I feel right now. I'm having a really hard time attending classes again. It's being to show physical signs now. If I feel like I'm doing something I don't like or if I feel extreme guilt, I get the urge to vomit. My neck muscles haven't un-tensed for over a week, I get constant headaches and I'm over-eating. Every day I have to go to school I feel that way. Everyday I feel guilt over something like procrastinating, lying to my parents about my attendance or skipping class, I feel that way. On the weekends when I lie in bed, I'll have panic attacks about having to go to school or finishing homework that I've procrastinated on. I haven't slept for a full night without waking up, for over 3 weeks.

I can't apply for a job. I'll go to the stores and park outside, only to wander around the store or walk past it because I can't work up the nerve to hand in a resume. I almost need someone to go with me and sit in the car while I apply; they don't have to come in, I just need someone there so I vent when I get out of the store. I'm tired of my dad saying "Just go in and do", because I can't. This may be an unfair comparison, but it's like telling a smoker to quit cold-turkey. It relieves my stress in one way because I don't have to go through that one unpleasant situation, but it causes more stress because I'm constantly feeling extreme guilt over it.

The more I skip class or can't hand in a resume, the worse it gets. I can be fine, then I miss one day of class and suddenly I can't do it. Last week, I missed Thursday because bad roads and then I couldn't get myself to go on Tuesday because I was afraid that I'd missed too much math and would now be deemed stupid.

I know what I'm doing hurts me, that's why I'm so stressed. So much guilt and anxiety have built up, and now there's a constant battle between the two. Generally, guilt wins because I really hate disappointing people, but every now and then the anxiety crushes me. I want help. I want to know what to do, but I can't ask anyone. If I tried, I'd probably get the "just do it" advice which doesn't help at all. My parents are frustrated, it's easy to see. They're as tired of it as I am and it shows in how they choose to handle the situation now. I can understand that, but every time they point it out, every time there's an argument over it, it only makes me feel worse.

It only makes everything harder. It makes it harder to sleep, to relax or to do work because I'm trying to de-stress and can't. I've tried watching tv, reading a book, taking a bath, listening to music, writing, etc, but nothing's helped. I've tried meditation to relax both my muscles and my mind, but I can't focus. I sit in class and remind myself of how much of a loser I am: "Why the heck couldn't you have gone to school yesterday? Honestly, how stupid are you? Get your frickin' life together!", "You're too quiet, why can't you be normal? Everyone else in this class has friends, but you're too shy to go and talk to someone. Even if you did, you'd probably be so awkward that they'd spend the next week making fun of you", "Why can't you do any of your homework? It would only take like half-an-hour, but you're too busy wasting time on those stupid 'did you know' sites. Can you imagine what your marks would be like if you did your work? Maybe then you wouldn't always feel guilty about disappointing your teachers" and "At least you used to write novels; you had a project and could say you were productive. But now, all you have is short paragraphs of random stories or thoughts. Who would want to read those?".

I'm really aware of what's going on in my head. I know what's right and what's not. Don't tell me to 'just do it', I've tried. Don't explain to me the consequences, I know what they are. If I didn't would I being feeling as crappy as I am? Every moment in a day that I procrastinate my stress levels go up. Every day that I sit at home watching shows on my computer, I feel like I've wasted it. I don't have much to look forward for. Weekends are now just days where my parents are around more often, which means more chances to get lectured. Holidays are the same. What do I have that I care about? I don't know. I care about my thoughts, that's it.

I'm back to the point of hating myself for being worthless. I hate myself because I know that I'll never amount to something. If I can't hand in resumes or go to high school, how can I get a job or go to university. If I don't have any money, how will I even be able to live? I've mentioned this before and my parents can disagree all they want but I still fear it. I fear the day that my parents are done with me, where they say that I'm too much work and I need to move out. I don't know what I'd do or where I'd go. I can just imagine myself having to live on the street and out of soup kitchens, because I'm doubtful that I'd ever get better once that's happened. Even now, I'm doubtful that I'll ever get better. I don't think I have enough courage or bravery to get better. I don't have the drive, and that's going destroy me.

The Family Reject

I really hate that I'm writing this. Partially because I find the topic to be something from an over-emotional mind and partially because I feel stupid that I feel this way. Let's start off with this: although I often complain and rant about my parents and siblings, I love them like crazy. My parents are so supportive of me and they do their best to help me get the best life I could have. My siblings I love because of their many other traits that are often looked-over when I'm upset, and a little bit out of obligation on those days where I want to ring their necks. I know I'm loved in this family, however somedays I can't help but feel like the family reject. 

I think the biggest factor for these "emotional confessions" of mine is the compilation of many little irritants that are ignited by one or more small events that one would think to be inconsequential, but they wind up triggering either a rant or, in rarer cases, tears. The general event for today's rant/tears is "movie night". My dad and my visiting uncle, as well as my brother, decided to go see Safe House in the theatres. I usually love action movies, and my dad tends to (I blame this on him being unable to learn from past mistakes rather than something he does on purpose) over-look me, asking my brother instead. This time he did ask, but it just wasn't my kind of action movie so I passed. No big deal really, besides my mom and my aunt were planning on renting a movie, I could just watch with them. 

I should have known how it would turn out. It usually turns out this way every time my mom rents a movie. She and I have very different interests when it comes to movies. She likes drama and romance, the "chick-flicks" if you will, and the only time I watch romance is when it's piggy-backing on an action/comedy. Five minutes before we went to rent the movie, we had a conversation about my dislike of romance and drama. Ten minutes after, they rented a...chick flick. Yup, she has ears that don't hear. Of course, after I got up to go downstairs she makes a big deal about how I should have told her that I didn't want to watch that particular movie. Gee, thanks for making me feel like you care. 

And when I get downstairs, I start tearing up. I hate crying, it doesn't make me feel any better when I cry, in fact I feel worse because I wind up with a headache and a leaky faucet for a nose. I don't know why I want to cry, I just know the things that bother me. 

I feel like the outcast; the person who's always on the outside looking in. It seems that no one in my immediate family likes the things I do. It's hard for me to find some middle-ground or something in common with anyone. At least that's how I feel like at the moment, ask me again in a few days. I feel like what I enjoy isn't of any importance to anyone else, that they just don't care. 

My mom won't even watch 30 seconds of one of my favourite tv shows because it isn't her "kind of show". How the heck would you know? You haven't given it a chance. You have no bloody idea what it's about. I have a hard time finding someone to go to the theatre with me because they don't like the movies I do, in fact I've stopped asking them because it's the same thing. I'll go and watch the movies I don't have an interest in at all because I enjoy the company every now and again, and I believe that you need to allow people to watch what they want. 

That's one of the things that bugs me the most, especially when it comes to my siblings, and I'm sure they often have the same grievance with me. The fact that I feel like I constantly give, but that I never get any retribution. I often take my sister to Tims or Subway and pay with my own money, but it's extremely rare (like only once in the history of EVER) that she does the same for me. In fact, we've gotten into a few arguments about this. I'll often listen to them tell me about their day, but often when I try to tell them about my life they don't even bother to pretend to care. They never allow me to watch the movies I like with the rest of the family, I'll usually just watch them alone in my room on the laptop. They don't care that I've written two novels, my dad's the only one to have read even one. I spend over 1 year working on each one and I don't even get a good job smoothie or the opportunity to do something I want to do with the family. Granted, I didn't do something special when my dad finished his PhD, but if he wants, I'm game to do something he'd like to do. 

Somedays, today included, I feel as if I'm the one puzzle piece too many. I just don't mesh in with everyone else. Maybe it's my own fault. I enjoy being alone, so often they don't realize what I'd like because I tend to keep it more hidden. Not on purpose, it just goes along with that when you do things alone, people don't know what you do. Maybe I have, without knowing it, shaped myself into a puzzle piece from an entirely different puzzle. 

Thoughts: February Edition

It's been awhile since I've written down the thoughts from my green notebook, so there might be a lot. I actually really enjoy reading these after the fact because I think that there's some valid ideas...as well as a bunch of emotional rants. ;)

Irrational, illusionary fear. A fear that when thought about with a logical mind proves the individual an idiot. A fear that in the moment reduces me to a state of desperate escape. 


To release your mind to the world and say all that you want to say is the most freeing experience I ever was a part of. To let go of all concerns involving the fear of judgement in a maker that doesn't directly harm another person is to understand and learn about yourself. To constantly hide yourself from view and pretend to be someone else is to deceive yourself and lose your connection to your true thoughts and problems. By allowing yourself ftp opening show your flaws you prove yourself to be an individual and a human being. The flaws that we spend our lives hiding are badges of our own humanity. How dare we even try to cover them up. As long as our flaws do not harm others, then they should be exposed in, at the very least, a selective environment. Our flaws are also our strengths; my paranoias and the extreme way I experience them is a testament to my creative and imaginative abilities. If we hide our flaws, do we not also hide our strengths?


The goal of all things is to be perfect. Chemical solutions search for a state of equilibrium, the earth desperately tries to strike a balance between all elements, and humans cover up their flaws and are constantly searching of the fountain of youth. Perfection isn't a bad thing to aim for, but it must be kept perspective. Perfection is not possible for a human to obtain. We are too flawed. To be the best we can possibly be is what we should aim for, but we also must be aware of our limits and accept them rather than deny them.


I most certainly do not believe that people are inherently good, nor do I believe that they are inherently bad either nor are we entirely a blank slate. Genetics play a role in shaping an individual as does experience, but the general rule is that it is far easier to get what you want with bad intentions. Therefore, people will always have a tendency to take the bad path because it is the easiest. 


Can someone just "be"? Or must there be a purpose to life? Do we need to be productive to be deemed worthy? Does everything we do have purpose in some form? By thinking and reflecting, we still are productive because we create ideas, by exercising we fortify our bodies and by reading we strengthen our minds. Is there anything that can be considered just "being"?


I believe that everyone fears criticism; it's natural, no one likes to have their ideas belittled. However, criticism is what lies bad ideas and beliefs to rest, with some exceptions, and without it people become engulfed in a world created by their own minds. 


To what extent are my views governed by fantasied notions of honour and tradition. I have the desire to pass on something of myself to be remembered by, yet I wonder if it's a pointless endeavour. Does it matter whether I am forgotten years after I'm gone? Would I feel sad, angry or nothing at all? What good could I do after I've disappeared and what would leaving behind a trinket or piece of writing do?


I worry that I over-analyze and refuse to see the emotional side of things at times. It's almost laughable considering the mess of emotions I'm always jumping in and out of, although that could be the reason why I choose to analyze without them present. I find myself to be very conflicted between emotions and "rationalized" views. How can I find the balance?


I don't like conflict. I find it to be mostly pointless and more like the idea of brinkmanship than anything else. It doesn't resolve anything and only leads to stress as well as a high, unnecessary tension between people. The only solid way to resolve issues without too much backlash is by using forms of compromise. 

Chickening Out

Right now, I'm incredibly disappointed in myself...and I'm nervous about what I plan to write in this post. I hate what I do to myself. I hate that I like to ruin things for myself. I've talked about my agoraphobia in some previous posts and the fact that I have a really hard time forcing myself to go to school. As soon as I get one little excuse, I continue to use it. It's incredibly hard for me to make myself go to school and I don't know why. Yes, the agoraphobia does play a role, but I want to know why I chicken out so much.

Today's Truth: I went to school to go to math class, but I'd forgotten that we had an assignment due. I didn't want anyone to know, so I rationalized in my head that I was sick and needed to go home. Ten minutes into class and I left. I have not been feeling well for the last week. I've had a terrible cold that doesn't let me get much sleep (I sleep about 4 hours max. I usually wake up at 2am and just lie there until it's time to get up) and I feel very bloated. I constantly feel full, even when I haven't eaten anything, and when I do it, I feel like I've gorged myself and need to throw up. I still try to get, but all I can manage for a meal is a few crackers and a small drink. So, I haven't been sleeping and I haven't been eating, which has given me huge headaches and I have a hard time paying attention in class. So, yes, I have been sick although I probably could have toughed it out enough to go to class. 

Why is it so hard for me to push myself to do things? Why do I default to avoidance stragegies when something goes wrong, no matter how little? I'm ashamed of myself and at times I hate not myself, but the things I do. Why the hell did I just leave class? Why am I willing to screw up my grades and my future? Is there I future for me or am I so flawed that I'll never be able to have a real life? I want to know why I do this. I need to figure out how to stop myself from chickening out. Why I am so weak in self-control?

I've been trying to be as honest as possible when it comes to these blog posts and I've failed in some regards and succeded in others. There is a chance that my rationalizing has made me lie to you and I can't bring myself to admit it because I don't want people to hate me as much as I hate myself sometimes. 

I'm wondering if the fear of judgement or disappointment causes me to avoid things. The fear that if I go to class and I don't have my homework done, that my teacher will think I'm a loser or that I've some how let them down and now I need to face a form of humilation in order to make it better. The fear that if I let my parents know I've chickened out again, they'll reject me and yell at me, although they've done neither. I'm afraid of disappointing others, yet I continue to repeat the same actions over and over which leads me to disappoint them. 

I can sit in the car and yell at myself for everyone else. I did it on the way back from school today. I sat there and yelled, "Why can't you just go to class? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you really that stupid? You're screwing up your life. You're never going to be anything unless you man-up and work for it. You're nothing until you can provide for yourself. You're nothing because you won't ever be able to fend for yourself. You can't even get a frickin' job!" Over and over, I let myself know. It's much easier to hear it from myself that to have someone else tell me the same things in a nicer way. It's much harder to face my parents and have them tell me that I need to try to go to school than telling myself that I'm worthless because when I let someone else down it kills me, but when I only let myself down then it's more like "we already know you can't do it, why should you pretend to be worth something?". It's a horrible concept. They still have hope for me, I apparently have very little for myself. 

I feel like the worst child ever. They want the best for me, they want me to be able to do whatever I want to with my life; that's why they're disappointed every time I fail to follow through. My fear is that 10 years from now, I still won't have a job. I'll still be mooching off my parents because I suck at pushing myself to do something. I won't have a life. That's what I fear. I've contemplated a lot of things and in the back of my mind, there's the thought of running away or living on the streets because I don't want to be a burden. When's my breaking point? When will I hit rock bottom and finally figure out that I need to work hard to get out? 

I'm writing this post with full knowledge that I will be lectured by my parents. I'm writing this in all truthfulness, knowing that I a lot of what I wrote is dramatics, but it's how I feel. I'm writing this so that I don't have to kept this all inside, because even if no one reads this I can pretend that someone did and they understand. 

NOTE TO PARENTS: I'm so, so sorry! I'll be spending my day cleaning and cooking, and mentally reminding myself that I shouldn't chicken out. 

The Problem with Family Living

Recently, I've been wanting more and more space, to the point where I'm actually wanting to move out and live on my own. First off, to my great annoyance, I know my parents are going to say that I need a job. Understood. To some degree I want a job and I plan on finding one. Save that lecture for Saturday.

The constant questioning of the things that I'd like to do with my life bothers me a lot and makes me feel almost like a loser. Every time I mention something I'd like to do in my future, I feel like I always have to brace myself to defend my own personality and wants. My dad has this terrible habit of saying that the things I'd like don't fit my personality. It bothers me so much that he "knows" more about me than me. "Knows" because I'm not entirely sure he really does. I don't like telling my parents about my dreams, because I feel like they'll rip them apart in seconds. That's one of the things I'd like to move away from.

I'd like to learn how to cook, but I hate it when my sister walks into the room and starts pretending to gag because she doesn't like it. I don't make her eat it, in fact I've started only cooking for myself because my siblings are picky eaters. Nonetheless, it still bothers me that I have to listen to my sister whine about whatever I choose to make for myself.

I'd like the ability to choose things without having to compromise for others. I'd like to be able to buy foods that are organic or healthy without my dad going all "this is stupid" on me. I'd like to be able to fail without having people re-affirm that failure as soon as they notice it. Living alone intrigues me, yet I understand how it can be difficult. There are somethings I'd like to try just to see if it works for me or not. My dad constantly questions my ability to be alone. He doesn't believe that I could live alone because I need the family communication. True, I do need family communication, but I'm not planning on moving to the other side of the world. I'd still still like to live in the same area and the ability to visit my family when I feel like it, but I think I'd like the freedom of living alone.

Now, we wait until my dad sends an email detailing why my thinking is flawed. I don't mind his emails, but for once a positive "maybe that would be something that would work for you" would be helpful.

Guilt

It's seems as if my life has been ruled by guilt lately. Almost every action I do either causes guilt or redeems me from my guilt. Going to school redeems me from the guilt of becoming nothing or throwing my life away, and to avoid the guilt I'd feel if I skipped it. Hiding the guilt has become a daily part of my life, though one can argue that guilt always remains and is one of the things that influences what we do to a good extend, but I'll try not to enter an argument about it. Either way, I'm tired of hiding it. I'm tired of being so confined in my own mind, and over-analysis of things. I enjoy my mind, but every little thing gets magnified and drives me into a tear-filled corner. 

I screwed up today and I feel a lot of guilt for what happened, yet at the same time I don't think it was my fault. My sister and I were supposed to have a hair appointment today, but she didn't remember that it was today (I wasn't given much information on the day and time of the appointment, over 2 weeks ago I was told that it was on the 19, but it didn't stick. I'll admit to that). So, her alarm went off an hour before. However, it was in downtown in an area that I was unfamiliar which made nervous because I wouldn't have enough time to figure out where it is. I get extremely upset when I get lost, especially when there's a set time I need to get somewhere. Not to mention the fact that I still needed to get dressed, wasn't feeling well at all and the car needed to be refilled!

I didn't realize that by cancelling the appointment it would cost my mom any money. I thought that it would be no big deal, that I was doing myself a favor by not going. I thought it would save myself undue stress and we could just rebook a later appointment. I seriously thought I was doing something right and that's what bothers me more than anything because I have even more stress right now. My mother is stressed out because I cost her money and, I'm guessing, she had a bad day. Meanwhile, I'm already emotionally (and physically) unstable and now I'm crying because I am a horrible person who just ruin the lives of everyone on the planet. That was an exaggeration (or over-exaggeration. Yes, Dad, that was meant for you) of how I'm feeling, but it still feels terrible. 

Well, I'm done for now. I just wanted to rant and try to figure out what just happened. Thanks for your consideration of my twisted thoughts and feelings.