Pretending

I think after awhile whining about your problems to people just becomes boring or pointless. That doesn't include this blog, by the way, here I mostly whine to myself. Constantly talking about being down just makes relationships awkward, no one likes the person that goes on an on about how shitty their life is. So, I just spend my time pretending that I'm ok. Of course, the frustration sneaks out every now and then, so someone asks why you're so quiet or how you're feeling. Usually I just brush it off with an I'm just tired today or I can't think of anything to say, it's just easier that way.

The only thing about pretending is that eventually it can get dangerous and you can wind up in an endless thought cycle, and no one knows. Which is why I like to blog about it rather than writing in a private diary. A few people I know have access to this so they at least know where I'm at and can attempt to intervene if it gets bad. 

I hate having to burden people with my problems, plus I'm old enough that I shouldn't have to rely on someone else to solve things for me, although I recognize that every now and then you do need help, but every down cycle shouldn't require someone.

Pretending is just easier than having to explain everything to someone who's heard it a million times. It helps to avoid lectures or the same envitable advice always given, and sometimes talking to someone just makes you feel more like shit than before. I hate explaining to others when I feel self-conscious about my appearance and would rather leave the store and deal with it myself. I don't want pity or people trying to cheer me up or make me feel better about myself.

I just don't want the stupid sympathy or deep talks. I want someone to know what's going on so they understand that I'm not trying to offend them, but I don't want pitying talk afterwards.