One of my more annoying emotional warning systems is my dreams, as soon as they begin to get chaotic or seem more realistic, to the point where I can't tell if an incident occurred in my dreams or reality, then I know something is wrong. For quite awhile I've been having really odd ones, and the reason why I haven't communicated my stress to anyone is because I'm having a really difficult time defining the cause.
The best I've come up with is my anxiety over how people at work perceive me and my fear that I'm not capable of being an independent adult. I have no doubt that there are many small anxieties that are lying underneath. Just identifying something helps me to calm down.
After making a few minor errors at work, I've been embarrassed and worried about work. It's worse because I respect these people and want them to see me in a good light. As I wrote yesterday, I learned that I may have accidentally offended people, and while I don't think I was wrong, I don't want to offend people.
My problem is that I care far to about what other people think of me and I'm not entirely sure how to "not give a shit". Constantly worrying about other people takes up too much of my energy, and it's rarely worth while. It's impossible to think that I will be everyone's friend or always be seen in a good light, so I need to stop trying.
I've also been worried that I just don't have the ability to mindset to care for myself on my own. It's embarrassing to say, but I've even thought that it would just be easier for me to be committed to a mental hospital. I think I'd even enjoy a little, but that's beside the fact. I have no idea how to get what I want out of this society. I've tried thinking of the way I could, but I'm still having trouble. I've debated trying to get an online writing job, but I doubt it would pay much. I've thought about creating a company on etsy, but I'm not sure what I could offer.
To throw in a little optimism, I will figure it out eventually and I'm still a bit unsure of everything, but I just have to trust that eventually it will all come together. I tend to think far into the future, but the amount of variables that could effect my life render any future plans worthless. Having a few future goals is a good idea, but they need to be flexible. All I can do is pick the choices that seem best in the moment and deal with what ever happens in the future. I'll need to remind myself more often
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