There are quite a few things that have been tossing around in my mind lately and I've had a really hard time trying to place them into a format that makes sense to anyone, including me. I'll give it a go in this post, just to get a few things out there so they don't screw up my dreams for a fourth night.
Lately, I've been thinking about going off my medication. It's something I've been pondering for awhile, but has increased since I've gotten to know the expense it adds. I'm not sure why I had this idea, but I think it's because I haven't been quite feeling like myself. I feel as if my struggles with anxiety are part of me and it's as if I've skipped a few perception changing experiences that would have made me redefine myself. In other words, I feel like I've changed too quickly and a piece of my identity remains with the anxiety I've left. Rather than a slow transition and understanding of identity, it feels as if I've surgically removed part of my being.
I miss having that desperate need for alone time, because while I feel it lingering, I can't get satisfaction from solitude. It's as if I haven't really recognized that I needed my alone time for so long, because I haven't gotten that warning that says "hey, slow down the socializing or you'll burn out", and while I still haven't gotten that subconscious warning, my mind seems to have caught up and is now trying to let me know that I need it. But I just can't get that satisfied feeling of being alone.
I loved being an introvert, but now it feels like I'm caught in the middle. I don't feel like myself anymore and it worries me because even though I still had some issues to work out, I loved myself. I still have some lingering introverted desires, but I don't derive any comfort from allowing myself to give into them. I'm not re-energizing when I'm alone, I'm not enjoying taking time to read or write, and I just feel this state of not knowing where I stand.
I also want to learn how to deal with my anxiety on my own. I feel like its a project that unfinished, and someone decided to do it for me. I want to learn how to change my thinking process and anxiety is like having a warning, where now I'm still functioning under the same thinking process but I don't have the flashing lights that tell me I'm going too far, so I'm not working on changing it. While I'm grateful for its benefits and I have no doubt that even if I do go off it, I'll probably end up taking it again while I go to university until I'm a bit more settled. It's something I'll have to think about.
In a slightly un-related stream of thought, it's so annoying being a more introverted person. The amount of information I have to think about daily in order to fit into a more social group is exhausting. I've only found out the last little while that a lot of people at work were a little on-edge about me because I was quiet. It wasn't that I ignored them, no I said "Hi, how's it going?" every day and participated in any conversation that was initiated, but several people were really shocked to learn that one of my co-workers was able to have long conversations with me.
Do you release how exhausting it is to have to first remember (and as I mentioned this was something I had already been doing, and I still had to remind myself every day) to say hi and try to do at least a little small-talk, and now I feel obligated to try and force myself to converse because I don't want anyone to feel offended by my lack of speech. It's difficult and it's adding un-needed clutter to my head.
If I don't know you all that well, or we don't connect immediately, I'll fine pulling out a book and reading if the conversation dies down. It does not mean I don't like you or want to talk to you, it's not awkward for me at all, I just feel like the conversation is over and my obligation to be friendly has been met and now I can relax. I wish people would understand this! Eventually, I'm going to start learning that I don't need to be everyone's friend or add stress by worrying over who I'm going to offend next.
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