Back to usual! I'm here to complain to you about my problems. ;)
I have to start my first day of work tomorrow and I'm beyond nervous. I've been having mini panic attacks for three days now. All it takes is a word or thought that sends my heart pounding, luckily it doesn't last long, but when you get one every hour it kinda ruins your day.
This time I'm really not sure I can do this. For once I really, really don't want to fight with myself to go somewhere. I just want to give in and not be so worried. Just to feel all this stupid stress dissipate. Even if I make it through tomorrow, I'll have to fight again the next and the next. Why can't I find something that I actually want to do enough to fight? I just fight out of responsibility, not because I want to have this job or because I'd like to learn something.
I'm tired of guilt being my motivation. There has to be something other than obligation that compels me to do something.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Monday, March 3, 2014
The Problem With Book to Movie Adaptations
This is kind of an extension from the post I wrote yesterday, simply because I have opinions that need to be shared; for what reason, I don't know.
I wrote a bit about how switching mediums as a way to breathe new life into a previously done idea. Each medium has a different way of telling a story, so you can actually take a story and plop it into a different medium to show different aspects within the story. For example, books allow a reader to create their own setting using their imagination, so every reader will essentially make the story their own. How they envision a character's appearance can be party due to a writer's description, but the reader also fills in a lot of blanks themselves based on their own experiences.
A movie is a more visual format. Costumes, scenery and characters are viewed by the audience rather than created in their minds. Movies usually have to fall within a certain time range, roughly an hour-and-a-half to two hours, with a few variances. They're usually completed in one shot, whereas a book can be put down and read during the course of several days.
There are a few things that make book to movie adaptations difficult. Just like I wrote yesterday about originals or classics, they already have a fan base. When someone decides on a book to turn into a movie, it's usually a pretty popular one. Which means a bunch of people have read it and enjoyed it in the original book format.
When you switch mediums, you have to alter the story. You can't fit as many details in two hours on screen as you can in a couple hundred pages in a book. That's usually the number one complaint a reader will have when viewing the movie. The second would be any changes in the plot. They alter the plot, usually to create more excitement, romance, etc for viewers because that's what viewers want. For people who didn't read the book, it makes the movie more entertaining.
There's a couple of things you can do to really make a book-to-movie adaptation successful, and the most important rule (in my own personal opinion, since I am a bookworm) is to treat it like a classic. This means follow some of the guidelines I posted yesterday:
I wrote a bit about how switching mediums as a way to breathe new life into a previously done idea. Each medium has a different way of telling a story, so you can actually take a story and plop it into a different medium to show different aspects within the story. For example, books allow a reader to create their own setting using their imagination, so every reader will essentially make the story their own. How they envision a character's appearance can be party due to a writer's description, but the reader also fills in a lot of blanks themselves based on their own experiences.
A movie is a more visual format. Costumes, scenery and characters are viewed by the audience rather than created in their minds. Movies usually have to fall within a certain time range, roughly an hour-and-a-half to two hours, with a few variances. They're usually completed in one shot, whereas a book can be put down and read during the course of several days.
There are a few things that make book to movie adaptations difficult. Just like I wrote yesterday about originals or classics, they already have a fan base. When someone decides on a book to turn into a movie, it's usually a pretty popular one. Which means a bunch of people have read it and enjoyed it in the original book format.
When you switch mediums, you have to alter the story. You can't fit as many details in two hours on screen as you can in a couple hundred pages in a book. That's usually the number one complaint a reader will have when viewing the movie. The second would be any changes in the plot. They alter the plot, usually to create more excitement, romance, etc for viewers because that's what viewers want. For people who didn't read the book, it makes the movie more entertaining.
There's a couple of things you can do to really make a book-to-movie adaptation successful, and the most important rule (in my own personal opinion, since I am a bookworm) is to treat it like a classic. This means follow some of the guidelines I posted yesterday:
- Wait a Generation: Wait for the hype to die down a little before trying to adapt a book into a movie. An example might be Lord of the Rings. When the movies came out most of the viewers who would be interested probably didn't read it before watching the movies. This is obviously a generalization, but I think LotR inspired a lot of people to pick up the books after watching the movie.
- Add to it Don't Re-Do It: Rather than try to copy the original plot, do a prequel, sequel or have it focus on different events going on at the same time. Unfortunately, I can't really think of an example for it, although personally it's my favourite choice.
Both of these rarely happen because often studios like to borrow the popularity of the original book to draw attention to the movie. In my opinion, this means that the quality isn't there. The worst they can do is break up the plot by trying to stretch it over multiple movies. There is a way you can do this, but every movie must have its own separate plot with rising action, climax and falling action under the major plot line that will span over all the movies. If you don't, you risk a movie that does nothing but build up and then its over. It's a big disappointment to viewers who now have to wait another two years for its sequel. Think of it being as disappointing and hated as the "she woke up and realized it had all be a terrible dream" line.
I think remakes/adaptations should generally be avoided, with some exceptions. Going from a play to the big screen works due to the similar format that is just elaborated on. Going from book to tv show allows for a lot of detail, think Game of Thrones. If you are going to switch mediums, please choose to simply add on. It's a lot more interesting and it allows for creation rather than to simply reuse other ideas to death, plus you still get to use a bit of the original premise or world.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Why Movie Remakes (Almost) Always Suck
Ok, guys. Check this out. I'm not going to rant about my life today. I know! First I start being positive and then won't rant about my life, what kind of trauma have I been through lately?
Anyway, because I have opinions and currently have no one to share them with (except my dog who just sticks his tongue out at me and mocks me with his clueless brown eyes), therefore I shall pretend that you care about my opinions.
So, anyway, movie remakes! Actually, let's scratch that and put remakes of any kind of popular media including books, music, etc. Remakes generally occur when technology advances, and someone looks back at their favourite old movie/tv show/book/song and thinks "imagine what this would look like with todays technology". It's a valid thought, one I have often pondered myself. Could you imagine something like Star Wars with the technology that Avatar used? I'd love to see that!
Here's the problem, though. The favourite movie usually tends to be many people's favourite or a "classic". That's great, but that means that the original movie has a huge fan-base that have every second of that movie memorized and consider it a part of their childhood or what have you. That's a big issue because generally these fans do not like having someone mess with a classic.
One of the things you could do to avoid this, is wait until a new generation grows up; one who doesn't really remember the original. A good example of this would be Evil Dead. Evil Dead came out in 1981and became a cult classic. In 2013, a remake was released. For those less mathematically inclined, that's a 28 year period from the original to the remake. Now, the age range targeted for horror movies is approximately 13-30 years. If you're paying any attention, those 28 years means that the people who are likely going to see this movie probably didn't watch the original or experience the hype that followed, which could be why the remake ended up being successful.
However, that doesn't always work. Sometimes a film is such a classic, that even being generations apart doesn't work. Take Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho". It's probably one of the most popular movies to date. Did you know that in 1998 there was a remake? It flopped, big time. Unlike some remakes change the plot a little, it was a scene-to-scene remake, but it used modern (at the time) equipment. The reason it flopped was because the hype never died. It's such a classic that it's nearly everyone understands what you're talking about if you reference the famous shower scene.
Now, let's look back at Star Wars, simply because it's one of my favourites and the first thing that comes to mind when I think of a classic. Also, because it has been messed with over the years. The original trilogy was a huge hit, that fans are still geeking out about decades after it first hit theatres. Then the second trilogy came out, which didn't hit nearly the popularity the first did. Although to be honest, I don't have a huge issue with it. Jar Jar Binks probably wasn't needed, but I kinda liked the movies and they did moderately well in the box office.
Then came the sacrilege that was the editing of the original trilogy years after it was released. Just check out some of the amazon pages for the movies and you'll really see the disappointment and anger people feel towards it. You just can't mess with a classic.
The other way you can avoid a lacklustre remake, is by doing what Stars Wars did with the second trilogy. Take inspiration from the original and take part of it, but change the perspective by either making it from the view of a secondary character, filing in background story by doing a prequel, fast-forward into the future to view the repercussions of the original story's events, or by setting the focus on an alternative event occurring at the same time or a different world/country/etc. You still get to play around with the wonder of the world created by the original, but you're not replacing the original in any way, just adding to the story.
That kind of adding rather than replacing is why the second trilogy didn't completely fail. Buffy the Vampire Slayer changed the focus of the main character in Angel; which wasn't as much of a classic, but did manage to last for 5 years.
Another thing you can do is switch mediums. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was originally a tv show, but is currently being continued in comic format. You see that a lot when a book becomes a movie. Harry Potter and Star Wars both have continued their stories through approved fan-fiction. If you like Star Wars, you need to check out their comic omnibuses; if you love learning about back stories as much as I do, they're enjoyable.
Something to remember about switching mediums is that you can't keep the exact same story when you switch over. It's one of the things readers hate about when their favourite book becomes a movie (you've heard it, "The book is always better!"). They liked the book because of all the little added details, but whereas a book doesn't really have a time or page limit, a movie does. Condensing what took you days to read into only a couple of hours requires taking some stuff out and editing to allow it to work in its new format.
I could go on, but I think this post is long enough already. Long story short, I'm smarter than most of the people in Hollywood and they should really pay me millions to tell them how to do things. Remakes aren't always crap, but they are trickier to pull off when you're toying with a successful original. The easiest way to pull one off is to pick a shitty movie that didn't make a ton of waves but has a decent plot and turn it into a classic.
Thanks for satisfying my need to converse (my favourite conversations have always been the ones where only I talk, blame my dad). I'm sure I'll wind up giving you another rant in the future. :)
Anyway, because I have opinions and currently have no one to share them with (except my dog who just sticks his tongue out at me and mocks me with his clueless brown eyes), therefore I shall pretend that you care about my opinions.
So, anyway, movie remakes! Actually, let's scratch that and put remakes of any kind of popular media including books, music, etc. Remakes generally occur when technology advances, and someone looks back at their favourite old movie/tv show/book/song and thinks "imagine what this would look like with todays technology". It's a valid thought, one I have often pondered myself. Could you imagine something like Star Wars with the technology that Avatar used? I'd love to see that!
Here's the problem, though. The favourite movie usually tends to be many people's favourite or a "classic". That's great, but that means that the original movie has a huge fan-base that have every second of that movie memorized and consider it a part of their childhood or what have you. That's a big issue because generally these fans do not like having someone mess with a classic.
One of the things you could do to avoid this, is wait until a new generation grows up; one who doesn't really remember the original. A good example of this would be Evil Dead. Evil Dead came out in 1981and became a cult classic. In 2013, a remake was released. For those less mathematically inclined, that's a 28 year period from the original to the remake. Now, the age range targeted for horror movies is approximately 13-30 years. If you're paying any attention, those 28 years means that the people who are likely going to see this movie probably didn't watch the original or experience the hype that followed, which could be why the remake ended up being successful.
However, that doesn't always work. Sometimes a film is such a classic, that even being generations apart doesn't work. Take Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho". It's probably one of the most popular movies to date. Did you know that in 1998 there was a remake? It flopped, big time. Unlike some remakes change the plot a little, it was a scene-to-scene remake, but it used modern (at the time) equipment. The reason it flopped was because the hype never died. It's such a classic that it's nearly everyone understands what you're talking about if you reference the famous shower scene.
Now, let's look back at Star Wars, simply because it's one of my favourites and the first thing that comes to mind when I think of a classic. Also, because it has been messed with over the years. The original trilogy was a huge hit, that fans are still geeking out about decades after it first hit theatres. Then the second trilogy came out, which didn't hit nearly the popularity the first did. Although to be honest, I don't have a huge issue with it. Jar Jar Binks probably wasn't needed, but I kinda liked the movies and they did moderately well in the box office.
Then came the sacrilege that was the editing of the original trilogy years after it was released. Just check out some of the amazon pages for the movies and you'll really see the disappointment and anger people feel towards it. You just can't mess with a classic.
The other way you can avoid a lacklustre remake, is by doing what Stars Wars did with the second trilogy. Take inspiration from the original and take part of it, but change the perspective by either making it from the view of a secondary character, filing in background story by doing a prequel, fast-forward into the future to view the repercussions of the original story's events, or by setting the focus on an alternative event occurring at the same time or a different world/country/etc. You still get to play around with the wonder of the world created by the original, but you're not replacing the original in any way, just adding to the story.
That kind of adding rather than replacing is why the second trilogy didn't completely fail. Buffy the Vampire Slayer changed the focus of the main character in Angel; which wasn't as much of a classic, but did manage to last for 5 years.
Another thing you can do is switch mediums. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was originally a tv show, but is currently being continued in comic format. You see that a lot when a book becomes a movie. Harry Potter and Star Wars both have continued their stories through approved fan-fiction. If you like Star Wars, you need to check out their comic omnibuses; if you love learning about back stories as much as I do, they're enjoyable.
Something to remember about switching mediums is that you can't keep the exact same story when you switch over. It's one of the things readers hate about when their favourite book becomes a movie (you've heard it, "The book is always better!"). They liked the book because of all the little added details, but whereas a book doesn't really have a time or page limit, a movie does. Condensing what took you days to read into only a couple of hours requires taking some stuff out and editing to allow it to work in its new format.
I could go on, but I think this post is long enough already. Long story short, I'm smarter than most of the people in Hollywood and they should really pay me millions to tell them how to do things. Remakes aren't always crap, but they are trickier to pull off when you're toying with a successful original. The easiest way to pull one off is to pick a shitty movie that didn't make a ton of waves but has a decent plot and turn it into a classic.
Thanks for satisfying my need to converse (my favourite conversations have always been the ones where only I talk, blame my dad). I'm sure I'll wind up giving you another rant in the future. :)
Friday, February 28, 2014
A New Job
So, apparently that lasted roughly a day. In my defence, I have been busy. Yesterday, I went in for a job interview and was hired on the spot, which means that challenge is technically over. I also went to that university Welcome Night thing, which was ok. Didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know, but I still made it there.
I'm pretty sure I don't give myself enough credit for doing all that. I made it through some pretty awkward situations without running for the hills, and I don't really feel happy about it. I feel really anxious about that first day of work and the next university event. Like really anxious.
I'm very worried that this job isn't going to be a good one. Just because it's so unlike something I'd normally be interested in. Everyone I met seems really friendly and nice, and it looks like there'll be less pressure placed on employees vs the last job I had.
What worries me is just all the little social things you have learn. I know this sounds ridiculous, but there isn't really a specific place where employees park so I have to find a spot, then double check with someone to make sure its ok, and that really stresses me out. I hate those little things that you're unsure of, and although I know no one really cares or even remembers them, but I'm stressed about those tiny embarrassments.
I'll make it through it ok, it's just the anticipation and going through those experiences that kill me. In positive news, I did manage to hang out with and chat with a few people at the university thing. Other than the first ten minutes or so, I didn't really feel all that awkward. I also made it through quite a few little embarrassments with that job interview. They sent me to the wrong place, but I was very kindly directed to the correct spot. I made it through all those intact so that's saying something.
And most importantly, I went to both of those events without bailing or even thinking of bailing as a real possibility which is huge for me. Running away from something is my go-to reaction. Even when I was younger and got in trouble, I hide in closet to avoid facing it head on. Or like the time my mom got a ticket because my brother and I didn't have our seat belts on. I felt so bad I hid in my grandma's bathtub.
I would even say I'm pretty close to feeling proud of myself for not avoiding it.
I'm pretty sure I don't give myself enough credit for doing all that. I made it through some pretty awkward situations without running for the hills, and I don't really feel happy about it. I feel really anxious about that first day of work and the next university event. Like really anxious.
I'm very worried that this job isn't going to be a good one. Just because it's so unlike something I'd normally be interested in. Everyone I met seems really friendly and nice, and it looks like there'll be less pressure placed on employees vs the last job I had.
What worries me is just all the little social things you have learn. I know this sounds ridiculous, but there isn't really a specific place where employees park so I have to find a spot, then double check with someone to make sure its ok, and that really stresses me out. I hate those little things that you're unsure of, and although I know no one really cares or even remembers them, but I'm stressed about those tiny embarrassments.
I'll make it through it ok, it's just the anticipation and going through those experiences that kill me. In positive news, I did manage to hang out with and chat with a few people at the university thing. Other than the first ten minutes or so, I didn't really feel all that awkward. I also made it through quite a few little embarrassments with that job interview. They sent me to the wrong place, but I was very kindly directed to the correct spot. I made it through all those intact so that's saying something.
And most importantly, I went to both of those events without bailing or even thinking of bailing as a real possibility which is huge for me. Running away from something is my go-to reaction. Even when I was younger and got in trouble, I hide in closet to avoid facing it head on. Or like the time my mom got a ticket because my brother and I didn't have our seat belts on. I felt so bad I hid in my grandma's bathtub.
I would even say I'm pretty close to feeling proud of myself for not avoiding it.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
The Happiness Challenge
Originally this post was going to be entitled "Why Basements and I Don't Get Along" and I was going to whine to you about how my future house will not have a basement (except a tornado shelter for when my sister comes to visit) because basements are a source of sleepiness and unhappiness for me. Probably due to the lack of sunlight.
However, after watching several TD Talks (because I hit my boredom level after practicing guitar, watching Looney Tunes and pinteresting for several hours), one in particular from Shawn Achor on "The Happy Secret to Better Work", I've decided to try something revolutionary for this blog. I am going to try positive blogging.
I know! How the hell am I going to do that? If you've read any of my past blog posts, you'll find only slivers of positivity usually because blogging is my way of venting frustrations and randomly thinking about things. Well, here's my plan: I'm going to attempt to set a goal. Now, usually my goals and I don't get along simply because I procrastinate to either set them or complete them. Tends to be a bit of both, I think. So, I give you permission to openly mock me if this goal falls through after three days.
Backstory time! I quit my semi-awful job a couple of weeks ago before I went on vacation. I'm now attempting to find another job and am struggling with a bit of frustration and anxiety. It happens when most of your day consists of Netflix marathons, Pinterest and microwaved meals. So, I feel bored, unhappy and stressed at the same time.
So, here's the goal. Until I get a new job, I will post something on this blog every day. The rule is as follows: every post must be positive. Even if I feel like crap and I tell you a sob story, I must list at least three positive things and the post must end on a happy note. (NOTE: I was going to add the additional rule of No Rants, but decided that I like ranting about random things, I'm just going to do it with a positive outlook now)
We'll see how this goes. Wish me luck, cross your fingers and send out a prayer because I will need it.
To begin the reign of positivity, here's a few tidbits. I've nearly caught up on the guitar lessons on Coursera. I may have had a solid fifteen minutes of frustrated crying over the weekend, but I did figure out how to play a chord and practiced reading music again.
In other news, I got accepted to university which is pretty cool. I'm going for a Bachelor of Arts and although I'm pretty nervous about it, I'm heading to a Welcome Night thing this week. So yay for me for trying to go!
I've also began story writing again. After such a long break, I'm not very confident that they'll be any good especially since I seem to be writing more for potential fame than for myself, so I keep working on the story concepts and reading articles like "Worst Story Openers" which I should never do because nearly every type of story opener is on there.
Besides, I consider writing to be extremely personal and, although I agree that you shouldn't use extremely over-used ideas like "Once upon a time" or the awful "it was all a dream" stuff, all you really need to know is grammatical and spelling rules for the most part. Everyone has their own preferences and it's always good to have people read it and give suggestions, but if I'd rather explore a character's internal struggles verses their outward appearance, I can totally shoot a "no thanks" your way.
Anyway, hope you have a good day. I will post something tomorrow with this new positive flair of mine, so stay tuned to see how that goes! :)
However, after watching several TD Talks (because I hit my boredom level after practicing guitar, watching Looney Tunes and pinteresting for several hours), one in particular from Shawn Achor on "The Happy Secret to Better Work", I've decided to try something revolutionary for this blog. I am going to try positive blogging.
I know! How the hell am I going to do that? If you've read any of my past blog posts, you'll find only slivers of positivity usually because blogging is my way of venting frustrations and randomly thinking about things. Well, here's my plan: I'm going to attempt to set a goal. Now, usually my goals and I don't get along simply because I procrastinate to either set them or complete them. Tends to be a bit of both, I think. So, I give you permission to openly mock me if this goal falls through after three days.
Backstory time! I quit my semi-awful job a couple of weeks ago before I went on vacation. I'm now attempting to find another job and am struggling with a bit of frustration and anxiety. It happens when most of your day consists of Netflix marathons, Pinterest and microwaved meals. So, I feel bored, unhappy and stressed at the same time.
So, here's the goal. Until I get a new job, I will post something on this blog every day. The rule is as follows: every post must be positive. Even if I feel like crap and I tell you a sob story, I must list at least three positive things and the post must end on a happy note. (NOTE: I was going to add the additional rule of No Rants, but decided that I like ranting about random things, I'm just going to do it with a positive outlook now)
We'll see how this goes. Wish me luck, cross your fingers and send out a prayer because I will need it.
To begin the reign of positivity, here's a few tidbits. I've nearly caught up on the guitar lessons on Coursera. I may have had a solid fifteen minutes of frustrated crying over the weekend, but I did figure out how to play a chord and practiced reading music again.
In other news, I got accepted to university which is pretty cool. I'm going for a Bachelor of Arts and although I'm pretty nervous about it, I'm heading to a Welcome Night thing this week. So yay for me for trying to go!
I've also began story writing again. After such a long break, I'm not very confident that they'll be any good especially since I seem to be writing more for potential fame than for myself, so I keep working on the story concepts and reading articles like "Worst Story Openers" which I should never do because nearly every type of story opener is on there.
Besides, I consider writing to be extremely personal and, although I agree that you shouldn't use extremely over-used ideas like "Once upon a time" or the awful "it was all a dream" stuff, all you really need to know is grammatical and spelling rules for the most part. Everyone has their own preferences and it's always good to have people read it and give suggestions, but if I'd rather explore a character's internal struggles verses their outward appearance, I can totally shoot a "no thanks" your way.
Anyway, hope you have a good day. I will post something tomorrow with this new positive flair of mine, so stay tuned to see how that goes! :)
Friday, December 6, 2013
Just a Bit of Self-Loathing
I still can't believe how small a trigger can be to turn me into a wreck. I can be completely fine, dealing with nothing but a few manageable anxieties, and then they began to nag until I get the smallest indication that they might be true. It gets even worse when I know it's my fault since I do not handle guilt well.
So, here's how today's story goes. It starts with me being an asshole and ends with me getting my just desserts. Aesop would love to write down. Basically, my friend moved to Europe to work as an au pair a few months ago. I was excited for her, since it was a big step but also pretty envious. Not that I'd like to work as an au pair or would like to live with another family, more because she did something incredibly brave. Something I could never do. She gets to experience so many new things, like being immersed in another culture, learning a new language and meeting all sorts of new people. And here I am, still dealing with all my shit.
Time for a few confessions that I haven't really told anyone. They'll make me come across as more of a jerk, but I like to be brutally honest. I'm a bit of an egotist. I can also be a little competitive with my friends, like I'm sure most are. The thing is, I've always seen myself as the successful one. The smart one who was going to go out into the world and achieve things. The one who would brave it alone, away from my small home town. Yup, I'm an asshole.
News flash! I'm still living a home with my parents, I have yet to go to university (and I'm terrified to do so), I'm on anti-anxiety meds because I can't control it anymore, and I hate myself. Every time I see a photo of one of my old school friends on Facebook at their university, I hate myself more.
I really don't like me all that much. I don't feel like I can be anything special. I feel like half the time I'm just pretending to be someone sweet, when I really feel like the complete opposite. I know this is one of those downward cycles of mine and I'm sure it'll be over soon, but that doesn't really diminish my feelings.
I'm worried about going home to the small town where I grew up. I don't really want to talk to anyone there. I'm worried about being asked what I plan on doing for university. I'm worried about people bringing up a God conversation or telling me they're praying for me or that God has a plan. Thinking about it makes my head hurt. I may decide to spend Christmas alone.
So, here's how today's story goes. It starts with me being an asshole and ends with me getting my just desserts. Aesop would love to write down. Basically, my friend moved to Europe to work as an au pair a few months ago. I was excited for her, since it was a big step but also pretty envious. Not that I'd like to work as an au pair or would like to live with another family, more because she did something incredibly brave. Something I could never do. She gets to experience so many new things, like being immersed in another culture, learning a new language and meeting all sorts of new people. And here I am, still dealing with all my shit.
Time for a few confessions that I haven't really told anyone. They'll make me come across as more of a jerk, but I like to be brutally honest. I'm a bit of an egotist. I can also be a little competitive with my friends, like I'm sure most are. The thing is, I've always seen myself as the successful one. The smart one who was going to go out into the world and achieve things. The one who would brave it alone, away from my small home town. Yup, I'm an asshole.
News flash! I'm still living a home with my parents, I have yet to go to university (and I'm terrified to do so), I'm on anti-anxiety meds because I can't control it anymore, and I hate myself. Every time I see a photo of one of my old school friends on Facebook at their university, I hate myself more.
I really don't like me all that much. I don't feel like I can be anything special. I feel like half the time I'm just pretending to be someone sweet, when I really feel like the complete opposite. I know this is one of those downward cycles of mine and I'm sure it'll be over soon, but that doesn't really diminish my feelings.
I'm worried about going home to the small town where I grew up. I don't really want to talk to anyone there. I'm worried about being asked what I plan on doing for university. I'm worried about people bringing up a God conversation or telling me they're praying for me or that God has a plan. Thinking about it makes my head hurt. I may decide to spend Christmas alone.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Body Issues
One of the hardest things about being a girl is the constant attention payed to your body. I'm not just talking about other people, in fact I'd have to say that it's my own constant thoughts that cause the most damage. Almost every hour my mind turns to how I look. Did I gain weight, why isn't my stomach perfectly flat, my thighs look fat, does it look like I have a double-chin. Now, if you know me in real life, you'd probably laugh. I'm petite. Not super thin or willowy, but I'm not even slightly overweight.
I suppose I could blame this on my mom, I did grow up hearing her call herself fat, or media messages about how woman should look, or a misogynistic culture where woman with wrinkles or grey hair aren't beautiful and on men it becomes distinguished. However, today I really don't feel like blaming anyone.
I just feel sad. I'm sad that I spend so much of my time obsessing over how I look and basing my value on something so superficial. Why can't I value myself for my intelligence or kindness? Why does the way I look matter so much? Why do I stress myself over something that I don't really care about?
Granted, I probably should start exercising more for my health, I know being stationary all the time is less than beneficial. Not to mention exercise is as good for mental health as for physical. I just feel as if lately my mind has been dominated by feelings of inadequacy in terms of my physical appearance. It's very tiring to spend so much time disliking parts of yourself or obsessing.
I suppose I could blame this on my mom, I did grow up hearing her call herself fat, or media messages about how woman should look, or a misogynistic culture where woman with wrinkles or grey hair aren't beautiful and on men it becomes distinguished. However, today I really don't feel like blaming anyone.
I just feel sad. I'm sad that I spend so much of my time obsessing over how I look and basing my value on something so superficial. Why can't I value myself for my intelligence or kindness? Why does the way I look matter so much? Why do I stress myself over something that I don't really care about?
Granted, I probably should start exercising more for my health, I know being stationary all the time is less than beneficial. Not to mention exercise is as good for mental health as for physical. I just feel as if lately my mind has been dominated by feelings of inadequacy in terms of my physical appearance. It's very tiring to spend so much time disliking parts of yourself or obsessing.
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