Just a Bit of Self-Loathing

I still can't believe how small a trigger can be to turn me into a wreck. I can be completely fine, dealing with nothing but a few manageable anxieties, and then they began to nag until I get the smallest indication that they might be true. It gets even worse when I know it's my fault since I do not handle guilt well.

So, here's how today's story goes. It starts with me being an asshole and ends with me getting my just desserts. Aesop would love to write down. Basically, my friend moved to Europe to work as an au pair a few months ago. I was excited for her, since it was a big step but also pretty envious. Not that I'd like to work as an au pair or would like to live with another family, more because she did something incredibly brave. Something I could never do. She gets to experience so many new things, like being immersed in another culture, learning a new language and meeting all sorts of new people. And here I am, still dealing with all my shit.

Time for a few confessions that I haven't really told anyone. They'll make me come across as more of a jerk, but I like to be brutally honest. I'm a bit of an egotist. I can also be a little competitive with my friends, like I'm sure most are. The thing is, I've always seen myself as the successful one. The smart one who was going to go out into the world and achieve things. The one who would brave it alone, away from my small home town. Yup, I'm an asshole.

News flash! I'm still living a home with my parents, I have yet to go to university (and I'm terrified to do so),  I'm on anti-anxiety meds because I can't control it anymore, and I hate myself. Every time I see a photo of one of my old school friends on Facebook at their university, I hate myself more.

I really don't like me all that much. I don't feel like I can be anything special. I feel like half the time I'm just pretending to be someone sweet, when I really feel like the complete opposite. I know this is one of those downward cycles of mine and I'm sure it'll be over soon, but that doesn't really diminish my feelings.

I'm worried about going home to the small town where I grew up. I don't really want to talk to anyone there. I'm worried about being asked what I plan on doing for university. I'm worried about people bringing up a God conversation or telling me they're praying for me or that God has a plan. Thinking about it makes my head hurt. I may decide to spend Christmas alone.