Giving up?

I know I wrote in a previous post (again, I'm too lazy to go back and figure out exactly which one) that I was going to make myself read a few books on Christianity as a last ditch effort. Now I'm wondering if I'm too far gone for that. I was talking to a few people about what I struggled with and as I described the Bible, it hit me that while I enjoyed the history, I hated the actual stories of people. To me it feels like mythology or a child's storybook. Some myth like Santa Claus that has been retold and dramatized to provide more entertainment for the viewing audience.

Don't misunderstand me, I don't look at Christians as brainwashed idiots for believing in it, I"m just telling you how I feel when I think of the Bible. I can't exactly travel back in time and prove or disprove all the stories in the Bible, so for all I know I could be the idiot.

My point is, how can I believe in a Christianity when I don't believe in its most important source? Is it even worth it to continue trying? I know, that as soon as you start thinking of giving up, it usually means you will, which concerns me. A relationship with God isn't worrisome, I find more comfort in that, but the Bible to me seems like a wall I can neither go over or through to reach Him. I suppose I'm very cautious and don't like placing my trust in a book. You can tell me God gave people the inspiration to write it, but people still wrote it, and then translated it, and translated it again and again. Not to mention over the course of history, how many parts of the Bible have been lost or added as filler or to further a political stance? People are corruptible and I have a hard time believing that the Bible has never been touched by that corruption.

I'm starting to think I'm a very negative person. Maybe because I've watched far to many crime shows, I've been left very wary of people. You know that "everyone is a suspect" line, I may have been taking that too literally...

Doggy Withdrawal

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that when I moved I found myself missing my dog more than my family, not that I don't love my family. Well, it's been a few months and I still find myself missing him like crazy! It's horrible, absolutely horrible! I'm writing this very early in the morning because as I was lying in my bed, I couldn't stop thinking about my puppy. It is a little sad, I know.

It's gotten to the point where I see a dog in a movie or out on the street and I'll spend the next few hour lamenting on the fact that I don't have on. I just want to pet and hug and love a dog. I really, really do. Why, you ask, don't you just get a dog then? Excellent question random web user, because I'm currently living with some extended family members who are very against having a dog in their house or on their yard. Trust me, I've tried. And tried and tried.

I have the possibility of moving in with an aunt who would be for having a dog, however it's going to cost some money to get one from the shelter. Contrary to my child-like mind's belief, they are not free if you rescue them. You still need to pay for all the vaccinations and such that the dog received at the shelter. Stupid rules.

So, here comes the fun part that speaks to my desperation. I am going to get a job, save up a bunch of money and buy a dog. Not only that, but my groggy brain is now explaining to me that I'll have to move here semi-permantly (originally, it was just for a few months, but now I'm thinking a year or more) for my future dog that I have yet to hold in my arms and love. Here's why, because back at home my puppy is an anti-social, yappy idiot (that I adore!) who would probably tear a new puppy to shreds, even though he's a little guy. So, my brain has informed me that a longer stay would be required to train a new puppy before introducing it to the devil dog that I haven't been able to love or hug and is making me go through all this doggy withdrawal.

Stupid emotions making me miss things. I need a do so badly! It's so hard to get how desperate I am across to people. They take it as a joke, but it hurts so much not to have a dog to love. Honestly, I can't even look at dogs anymore because it makes me far too sad and just leaves me with the mantra "I need a dog, I need a dog, I need a dog" that never shuts up! I've gotten to the point of hugging cats! I hate cats! I even have a favourite now. It doesn't even have a name, but I like it better than the other black cat that hangs around this house. I really don't like cats, but I'll hug nearly any type of animal companion. Reptiles, insects and birds excluded. Pretty much any type of loving furry mammal I would take. Notice the pretty much, there are exclusions there.

Ugh! Help me, I need a puppy. This sucks!

My Struggles with Christianity

'Sup random web-users and a few people I do know that are beginning to think I need some serious help. Guess what? I've been feeling frustrated and confused again! Yay! Yes, I do know that pretty much the entire course of this blog has been about confusion. Welcome to my chaotic life, you may want to leave before I drag you into the pit of despair.

Truth be told, I'm not really in despair at the moment. I actually feel relatively cool and calm, which is slightly shocking. I'm also relatively happy. What weird alien creature has taken over my body, you ask? I'm hoping a really cool one that plans to take me to its planet it to be revered as a wise and superior individual. Fingers crossed!

What am I here today to complain about? Excellent question, I'm glad you've asked. It continues the religious debate I had in my last post. And there goes all the random web-users leaving only the people I know to shake their heads whist sighing. I love you guys too! :) You may wish to preserve your delicate belief that I am doing things the way you'd be comfortable with by leaving this page now.

I don't think I'm a Christian. I mean, I haven't called myself a Christian in several months, but I still tried to fight to be one. Again, this is mostly based on the people within Christianity verses the actual religion (although there are quite a few parts of the religion I do struggle with. Yeah, I'm talking about the Bible. I'll get to that in a minute). I realize that people shouldn't be the ones who get to decide my own view on a religion. I get that, but I think everyone must admit that those around you need to be compatible for a mutual friendship to work. By compatible, I don't mean they have to like the same things you do or believe the way you believe, I mean that there has to be a connection. You can't hang around people who belittle or constantly judge you, you want to hang out with people who accept and have compassion for you.

Though Christianity preaches love and forgiveness, I usually regard the people who practice Christianity as hypocrites who preach hatred. I understand if you don't agree with someone's beliefs. I get that. But you still must show them some respect and treat them as if they have some value. You can't spend your entire life judging someone who is a little different and saying that they're going to hell. No, bad Christian! Stop judging and start showing some compassion. How can you expect people to want to be Christian if you're spending your time making them feel bad? I find myself far more willing to at least learn more about something if you approach me with kindness and respect than an all out verbal war. I've met some fantastic Christians who do that, but I see far to many that don't.

That could be because once you start looking for bad things you're going to find them. If you start looking for faults with a fine-toothed comb you're going to find tons of them, I understand. That's what I've been busy doing. I have been nit-picking. So, here comes another one of those semi-embarrassing moments where I get to say that I may have been over-analyzing some things and may be biased in someways. Shut up, it happens.

So, the people are a big factor and so is the Bible. I don't really see the Bible as a rule book. I, personally, have a hard time doing so for various reasons. First off, it was written by people not God. God may have given them the inspiration to write, but it was people's words. By the same account, couldn't any book written by a pastor inspired by God be of similar worth. I have a hard time understanding the Creation story, but I have a hard time understanding any creation story (includes scientific theories) because it will never be proven. Ever. We will never know how this universe came to be.

I also don't like the book of Revelation. Not because it scares me or is confusing as heck, but because I have a hard time wrapping my head around how a compassionate and forgiving God turns on people and obliterates the world. What about the younger people who live at that time, they wouldn't have had much of an opportunity to discover God. Some people only accept him in old age. But these young people wouldn't have as much time before they're doomed to suffer because they didn't have a chance to discover Him. I asked someone and they told me that the appeal of God would be so much stronger in that time, but the verdict's still out on that one for me.

I see the Bible more as a collection of thoughts by some very wise people and a historical record. I do not see it as the end-all holy book that must be obeyed to the letter and more as a guide where you don't have to agree with everything said, but offers some advice. I think it is a very valuable book, even if you're not Christian.

Anyway, I'll stop musing because I am losing my train of thought and that usually is not good. End point is the same as my last posts: I do not see myself becoming a Christian any time soon, if at all.

Tainted Religion

I think I'm done being logical for awhile. I say that now as I feel stressed and overwhelmed, but for some reason I have a voice giggling and saying "yeah right. Even this post will be filled with logical back-and-forth arguments." I'm not so fond of this voice right now, I think she may be in cahoots with both Reason and Logical Thought.

For the sake of my three com-pain-ions (Haha, see what I did there. It's ok to chuckle, I'm doing it right now. Yes, I do laugh at my own jokes), I feel as if I should aid a disclaimer. This should probably go for all posts on this blog: past, present and future. First off, what I write is what I'm feeling at the moment. It doesn't represent the entire course of my life or full spectrum of emotions. If it did, then this blog would represent a depressed and somewhat neurotic individual who is emotionally unstable and self-absorbed. While I am self-absorbed about 75% of the time, I like to pretend that I have control over my emotions. Since what I write is "in the moment", I will have many embarrassing moments that start with "There is a chance that I was wrong...". Also, for all you nit-picking readers (DAD!), I cannot cover all my bases in just a single post. It would take an entire novel to backtrack and include every possible vantage point. I still love you nit-pickers (Dad), but try not to read between the lines. Sometimes an author chooses to make a character wear black because it was the first colour to pop into her head, not as a symbol of mourning over the downfall of society and the rules imposed on people to make them fit into society (aka- loss of colour or loss of individuality). Sorry, it's true.

Whew! Anyway, the point of this post was to be completely open and honest about my religious struggles and my current state. I'm feeling very mad and helpless right now. I wish that I hadn't been raised in a particular religious group because even though I try to see it as something freeing, I can't help but see it as a restrictive idea. I feel as if the idea of spirituality has been polluted for me, as if my spiritual mind has been violated and dirtied, by the people I grew up with. I wasn't given a chance to find it on my own, my mind was molded with particular religious ideas imbedded in me and now that I'm looking for something spiritual, I'm still stuck with thoughts of how I should be not what I want to be.

It's horrible, because I can't break free. I can't explore other religions, I can't think of my childhood religion in any other light and I can't find peace in anything. I forever stuck on this repeating loop filled with guilt, habit and bitterness. I can't think of Christianity as anything other than what has been shown to me, even though I'm trying so hard to look. It ruined it for me. It's so frustrating, because now no matter what I choose, I will have to work through all this shit people have created for me. If I did it to myself, then I could understand the consequences and realize that I am to blame. But this sucks! It's like getting in trouble for something you didn't do and having to sit through your punishment while those who did it are out playing with their friends.

In all honesty, I don't want to be Christian. It doesn't feel right. I don't have the desire to learn more about and I feel little connection to it. The only reason I'm trying so hard to be it, is because it would cause far less guilt and disappointment for my friends and family, and I wouldn't been criticized for it. It's only for their sake that I'm trying. I don't hate it as a religion or spiritual path, I know many sincere and loving people who get comfort and happiness from it and I'm very happy for them. However, I don't see a spot for me in it. I can't imagine myself being happy with it and although I'm sure that it can be completely different from what I've known, it's always going to be tainted by my past experiences.

I've tried so hard to redeem it. And yes, I was very bitter for awhile. I far less bitter now and can see that it does good and isn't just filled with hypocrites. I have no desire to read any literature on it, but I'll try so I can at least say I've tried everything before giving up. I want to believe what I want and I've found some ideas I really agree with, but feel as if I can't accept them because it would disappoint my family. Because if I did I would be rejecting a big part of all their lives, and make people take a step back and see me as someone who is crazy or out-there. Everyone I've talked to says they hope my final outcome will be Christian. That's what they wish/pray for. Every part of me rebels against that, but is too afraid to tell the truth or show it.

Writing this down scares me because people I know can read this. Even scarier is to admit this face-to-face and have to tell people "I'm not a Christian anymore" or have them mock or make-fun of the things I do believe because they don't fall into mainstream ideas. I'm already the butt of the joke in my extended family by being different. I've been told that I've put on too much makeup or have 'black eyes' by trying out some more dramatic makeup looks. I've heard so many "Oh, dear" sighs of laughter after admitting one of my life goals or wants. It's frustrating because I want to be me, but I have to deal with a lot of bullshit even just to try something different. If someone walked into my room and saw the collection of books on my bedside table, I would never live it down. I've got a few books by the Dalai Lama, "Exploring the Levels of Creation", "Positive Energy", "The Power of Tact", "Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner", "The Other Side of Normal" etc. I don't necessarily believe in everything these books say, but I'm curious and I think that's ok, but I would suffer a lot of jokes and ridicule for having these books in my possession.

I'd better stop soon before I do manage to complete a novel filled with my feelings. I don't see myself as being Christian anytime in the near future. I see myself disappointing my family, dealing with ridicule and having a wide-varitety of beliefs. I'm clinging to what I know would be easier for my family to deal with, but longing for what I want.

Elusive Happiness

It's been quite awhile since I've last posted anything on here, and now I have a lot to say. Not in one shot, so don't you worry. I'll do my best to spread it out. ;) The last time I wrote, I spoke about my anxiety and fears about universities/colleges. That hasn't changed. Every time I read a facebook post from one of my friends on how they've moved into their dorm room or just began class, I feel ashamed and worthless. Like I've somehow failed my life and am now doomed to live an unfulfilled life. Yes, I realize how dramatic that sounds, but when is the last time emotions haven't been dramatic?

But looking back on all that has happened over the course of the last year, I'm proud of myself. I came very, very close to quitting high school. Very close to running away and giving up on school, to the point where I had everything planned out and a check-list prepared. My mind was an absolute mess and I couldn't sleep or pay any attention in class. Granted, near the end of the school year I used my anxiety as a crutch and an excuse, but I finished. I was seriously sick for nearly 5 months, missed over 60 days of school, and I'm very lucky to have graduated.

Even though I recognize that, I still feel ashamed that I'm not continuing my education...at least right now. I've also been greatly dissatisfied with my life. I don't know why nor to I know how to fix it. Being curious and interested in other's views, I picked up a book by the Dalai Lama called "The Essence of Happiness". Halfway through, I came to the conclusion that I don't think happiness is possible. At least right now, in this moment, I find that a life full of happiness seems impossible to obtain.

Perhaps, I'm far too objective and cynical or have a hard time thinking back to when I've felt happy. Maybe I'm just a moody teen who likes to wallow in sadness and whine about how awful the world is with a bunch of hipster quotes. (Side note: those really do get irritating after awhile. Like "Where's the good in goodbye"? Seriously, use your brain). I think I do have something wrong with me, however, because I've noticed that when I'm thinking back on emotions I have a very hard time thinking that my life has ever been different.

Because I'm a weird child, the other day I had to journal my thoughts on missing my family. I moved away recently and was a little worried about the fact that I haven't really felt a sense of loss after being away from my family. Haha, I even questioned whether or not there was something wrong with the way I bond with others. I quickly dismissed the fact that I'm a cold-hearted bitch, since I've missed my dog far too much and still cry while watching sad movies.

Therefore, my conclusion is that I'm slightly insane and need to practice on connecting my emotions now to my emotions of the past. :P

Anxiety and Education

There is an absurd amount of fear running through me right not, all regarding having to get an education. Aside from the chaos that is the post-secondary system, I am really afraid of my anxiety hindering me. I know that I'm already psyching myself out by thinking so, but I'm worried that I won't be able to cope with finding my way around a campus, having to talk to others or stepping way out of my comfort zone. I'm still struggling to force myself to go do recycling on my own, although I've done so a few times already.

I think that's why I've started to look more at distance courses and I'm just using a temporary move as an excuse. I don't know how I'll be able to continue on with any kind of productive life if I continue to give into my fear. Even if I did manage to complete a program completely on line, how will I be able to get myself a job?

The worst part about this is that I have no idea how to combat it. Saying "Just do it" doesn't help, nor do cliches like "Just think of it as a small step", in fact I've heard them too much and now I just completely ignore them. They hold no meaning or comfort to me, they're just like singing "Oh Canada"; you've done it so much on auto-pilot it's unlikely that you know the words off the top of your head or even stop to consider the meaning behind the song's words.

If getting out of a habit is like rewiring the brain, like I've heard so many times, then how do I do that? If I've been running the same script over and over again in response to a certain situation, it's not as simple as writing a new script and clicking enter. I've been struggling with religion lately and it's the same problem. How can I even try to learn about something else if I've been engrained with a certain belief since I was born? It has been wired into me and it then becomes incredibly difficult into believing something that, even if I do agree with the philosophy, goes against it.

Months ago, I wrote that I was afraid of being nothing. Of having no purpose or being a worthless waste of space. I still have that fear, although I've discovered that its core is guilt. I'm not worried of being someone who sits at home writing, researching and making little money. I'm worried about not being able to support myself and having to add to someone else's burden. It's the same thing with my religious worries, I fear having my family members tell themselves (if I agree with something outside of what I've been taught) that they're the reason for my different beliefs.

I am not nothing, I will never be nothing unless my brain no longer functions. There is always value of an individual so long as they continue to create, whether it be abstract or material. Yet, I worry that I will disappoint my family if I do not become the traditional idea of 'something' and that's why I fear not getting over my anxiety.

I'm Not Worthless

There are times when I wonder if I'll ever have a life worth living. All too often what should be a new and fun activity turns into a fear fest with me slamming on the brakes. Every time I fail at an attempt to face my fears, I feel as if I have just lost my shot at a future. As if this one activity or challenge determines all my future attempts at facing my fears. The only time I have ever succeeded at over-coming any fear is when my feelings of guilt outweigh it. Even as a little girl, when my mom was pulled over because I wasn't wearing a seatbelt, I couldn't take the guilt and hid in my grandmother's bathtub. I'm out of high school and I'm still hiding. Not once have I done something for myself. Never. Always for my parents or friends or grandparents or teachers...etc.

My mom finally cracked at me today and said probably the worst thing that could ever reach my ears, "You can't help someone who doesn't want it". Granted it was after I told her to stop telling me to "think of it as a small step" because it was too cliche and didn't hold any meaning, and after 2 hours of discussing my fear with her, I'm sure that she was tired of it.

I want to be able to face my fears. I want to walk outside my house without worrying about every little social interaction. I want to be able to get a job and do things I want to. I want help, but it can be hard to accept it.

I am not worthless, I am fearful. There is a difference. Every word that is written on a page or typed into a computer is not a word from someone who is worthless. I have worth. I'm still trying to figure out how to show others that worth, and it's not easy to. I feel as if every second spent with my family is a second that tries to destroy me. Every minute in the presence of any family member, extended or immediate, is a minute in which everything I do is criticized. In which, I am mentally beaten to the point where all I can do is curl up into the fetal position in a corner.

Right now, I am thinking of where I can sleep away from them. I have a cousin in my room, my brother sleeping on the couch, my parents upstairs. There is no where private. I need not to speak to them. I need them to ignore me as if I don't exist. I don't want them talking to me, I don't want them acknowledging me or worst of all giving me advice. I need to be somewhere without anyone. I've debated sleeping outside or in the car or in a closet because I don't want them to be here.

I don't hate them. I feel extreme loyalty and devotion to them, but I can't live with them anymore. I can't have them lecturing me any more. I don't need them to tell me to get a job, face my fears, just do it or try to read my mind. I would like them to leave me alone. I just need to be alone.

I'm tired and confused right now. I need to go to sleep, but I don't want to because then I'll have to deal with them in the morning. I wish I could go somewhere else, but I don't know where. I want help, but once something is said too many times it isn't help. Just like at a grad ceremony, after ten inspirational speeches, suddenly all those comforting words become uninspirational and draining.