Tainted Religion

I think I'm done being logical for awhile. I say that now as I feel stressed and overwhelmed, but for some reason I have a voice giggling and saying "yeah right. Even this post will be filled with logical back-and-forth arguments." I'm not so fond of this voice right now, I think she may be in cahoots with both Reason and Logical Thought.

For the sake of my three com-pain-ions (Haha, see what I did there. It's ok to chuckle, I'm doing it right now. Yes, I do laugh at my own jokes), I feel as if I should aid a disclaimer. This should probably go for all posts on this blog: past, present and future. First off, what I write is what I'm feeling at the moment. It doesn't represent the entire course of my life or full spectrum of emotions. If it did, then this blog would represent a depressed and somewhat neurotic individual who is emotionally unstable and self-absorbed. While I am self-absorbed about 75% of the time, I like to pretend that I have control over my emotions. Since what I write is "in the moment", I will have many embarrassing moments that start with "There is a chance that I was wrong...". Also, for all you nit-picking readers (DAD!), I cannot cover all my bases in just a single post. It would take an entire novel to backtrack and include every possible vantage point. I still love you nit-pickers (Dad), but try not to read between the lines. Sometimes an author chooses to make a character wear black because it was the first colour to pop into her head, not as a symbol of mourning over the downfall of society and the rules imposed on people to make them fit into society (aka- loss of colour or loss of individuality). Sorry, it's true.

Whew! Anyway, the point of this post was to be completely open and honest about my religious struggles and my current state. I'm feeling very mad and helpless right now. I wish that I hadn't been raised in a particular religious group because even though I try to see it as something freeing, I can't help but see it as a restrictive idea. I feel as if the idea of spirituality has been polluted for me, as if my spiritual mind has been violated and dirtied, by the people I grew up with. I wasn't given a chance to find it on my own, my mind was molded with particular religious ideas imbedded in me and now that I'm looking for something spiritual, I'm still stuck with thoughts of how I should be not what I want to be.

It's horrible, because I can't break free. I can't explore other religions, I can't think of my childhood religion in any other light and I can't find peace in anything. I forever stuck on this repeating loop filled with guilt, habit and bitterness. I can't think of Christianity as anything other than what has been shown to me, even though I'm trying so hard to look. It ruined it for me. It's so frustrating, because now no matter what I choose, I will have to work through all this shit people have created for me. If I did it to myself, then I could understand the consequences and realize that I am to blame. But this sucks! It's like getting in trouble for something you didn't do and having to sit through your punishment while those who did it are out playing with their friends.

In all honesty, I don't want to be Christian. It doesn't feel right. I don't have the desire to learn more about and I feel little connection to it. The only reason I'm trying so hard to be it, is because it would cause far less guilt and disappointment for my friends and family, and I wouldn't been criticized for it. It's only for their sake that I'm trying. I don't hate it as a religion or spiritual path, I know many sincere and loving people who get comfort and happiness from it and I'm very happy for them. However, I don't see a spot for me in it. I can't imagine myself being happy with it and although I'm sure that it can be completely different from what I've known, it's always going to be tainted by my past experiences.

I've tried so hard to redeem it. And yes, I was very bitter for awhile. I far less bitter now and can see that it does good and isn't just filled with hypocrites. I have no desire to read any literature on it, but I'll try so I can at least say I've tried everything before giving up. I want to believe what I want and I've found some ideas I really agree with, but feel as if I can't accept them because it would disappoint my family. Because if I did I would be rejecting a big part of all their lives, and make people take a step back and see me as someone who is crazy or out-there. Everyone I've talked to says they hope my final outcome will be Christian. That's what they wish/pray for. Every part of me rebels against that, but is too afraid to tell the truth or show it.

Writing this down scares me because people I know can read this. Even scarier is to admit this face-to-face and have to tell people "I'm not a Christian anymore" or have them mock or make-fun of the things I do believe because they don't fall into mainstream ideas. I'm already the butt of the joke in my extended family by being different. I've been told that I've put on too much makeup or have 'black eyes' by trying out some more dramatic makeup looks. I've heard so many "Oh, dear" sighs of laughter after admitting one of my life goals or wants. It's frustrating because I want to be me, but I have to deal with a lot of bullshit even just to try something different. If someone walked into my room and saw the collection of books on my bedside table, I would never live it down. I've got a few books by the Dalai Lama, "Exploring the Levels of Creation", "Positive Energy", "The Power of Tact", "Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner", "The Other Side of Normal" etc. I don't necessarily believe in everything these books say, but I'm curious and I think that's ok, but I would suffer a lot of jokes and ridicule for having these books in my possession.

I'd better stop soon before I do manage to complete a novel filled with my feelings. I don't see myself as being Christian anytime in the near future. I see myself disappointing my family, dealing with ridicule and having a wide-varitety of beliefs. I'm clinging to what I know would be easier for my family to deal with, but longing for what I want.